A Pretty Pill (31 page)

“Yes
, I know what I took on with you guys, and I know what you both took on with me.” I counter.

“One big happy family...” Silas drawls
, “Now all I need to do is marry Shae, and we’ll be set!”

“You’re thinking of marriage?” I ask shocked.

“Always,  but she’ll never marry me!” he says matter-of-fact.

“Why?” I ask.

“She thinks she’s a freak!”  He states.

“What?  What do you mean?” I ask.

“She can’t have kids.” He says, picking his nails.

“Really?  How does she know that?  She’s really young!” I reason
, surely that’s not something you’d know at 17.

“No
, she knows!” he says, looking out the window again.

“Okay...” I reply.

“If I tell you, will you keep it a secret?  I probably shouldn’t tell you, but I don’t get to talk to anyone about this stuff!” he says pleadingly.

“If you need someone to talk to
, I’ll listen.” I assure him.

“You can’t even tell Jade!” he begs.

“I’ll keep it entirely to myself!” I promise. 

He nods, and breaths deeply.

“Shae was born without a uterus, no womb, nowhere to carry a baby!” he says.

“Fuck!  That can happen?” I ask incredulously.

“Yep, some girls don’t have anything... no vagina, no ovaries, nothing!” he says, “Look it up on the internet!” he challenges me.

“So, Shae has nothing too?” I ask a little bewildered.

“No man; she has everything else, just no uterus.  We have fantastic sex, and there’s no time of the month; no need for condoms; no accidents.” he explains, ticking each off on his fingers.

“Oh...” I
say pathetically.

“The thing is... I want a kid
, or two!  But I don’t want mine!” he says.

This is a foreign concept to
me; if I’m having a kid; it’s definitely going to be mine!

“Really?” I ask.

“Really!  So Shae’s absolutely perfect for me. We are simply perfect for each other.  I wouldn’t wish my illness on anyone.  I couldn’t live with myself if I passed this shit on to my child.  It’s hereditary you know!” he explains.

“With Jade too?” I ask selfishly.

“Yeah, there’s about a 5% chance that her kid will develop it.  It comes from our father’s side; but Dad didn’t have it.  His Dad did, and his sister did.  I got it, of course.  The funny thing is that we didn’t know why we never saw my Dad’s family till after I was diagnosed, and Jade did some digging around.” He explains.

“What about you... what are your chances?” I ask.

“15-20% chance of passing it on!” he says deflatedly.  “Jade is good, one in twenty is a good bet.  One in five isn’t!  Not good enough for me!” he reasons.

I work through the idea that Jade and I could have a kid like Silas.  It makes my stomach feel like lead, but I quickly reorganise the thoughts and recognise that I’ll risk it
, I’ll risk it for one kid!

“So, how are you planning on having these kids that aren’t yours?” I ask.

“Adopting!” he says, smiling.  “There are heaps of kids that need a loving home!”

“You might adopt kids that have bigger problems!” I argue.

“Yeah, but it won’t be my fault!” he reasons.

“
Touché!” I grant him his argument.  “Silas, you’re older and in many ways wiser in the head than anyone I’ve ever met at your age!” I compliment him.

“Thank you
, tell Shae that!  She thinks I deserve better!  I think she’s delusional and should accept that we’re meant for each other!” he laughs softly.

“Keep working on her
, she’ll come around!” I offer.

“I know
, I’m a stubborn bastard.” He announces.

We pull up outside the truck hire company and fill the tank with petrol at the depot.  Afterwards, we hop on our bikes and ride for home.

Jade.

“Sabrina, you’re looking really worn out today, let me grab the moisturiser and I’ll give your hands and feet a massage while the men are getting dinner ready.” I inform her, jumping up from the stool, where I had been enjoying a cup of coffee and a quick chat to Silas and Ben about their day moving stuff... and a counter conversation about mine at work.

“You don’t have to do that
, you’ve been working hard all day!  Your feet must be killing you!” she argues.

“My feet are
, but they’re not what are going to be rubbing your hands and feet!  I’ll try using my hands this time!” I joke.

She smiles at me from over in her recliner.

I walk down the hallway and into her room to grab the moisturiser.  Turning around, I bump up against Ben.

“You trying to get on my Mum’s good side?” he says, pulling me into him.

“I’m already there!” I brag.

He smiles his big dimpled grin at me.  “So are you trying to win points to get into my pants!” he says sexily, leaning forward and kissing me softly on the lips.  His lips are warm, inviting and tempting.

“I’ve already been there too!” I say breathlessly as I fall under his spell and slowly return his soft kissing movements with movements of my own, lightly tracing the bottom edge of his top lip and slipping my tongue inside to taste him deeper.

I feel his groan in his chest rise up and rumble through his throat.

“Can I tempt you to a quick diversion in our room?” he asks me, sliding his hands over my arse and cupping my cheeks to pull me in tighter.

“I’m tempted, but I offered to take care of your Mum’s feet and hands!” I say, pulling back from him
, at least my chest is pulling back.  He still has my arse in his hands.

“
I’m taking a rain check on that then, in bed tonight!” he insists.

“Well you’ll be getting cataclysmic blow jobs
, because I got my period today.” I reason.

“Win win!  I get to lay back and be satisfied... you get to have a break
, except if I catch you in the shower, you can’t escape me in there!  And best thing ever...” he says with serious joy... “No.  More.  Condoms!” he whisper shouts and then does a really stupid sound that’s meant to sound like crowds of people cheering; because I’ll now be covered by the pill.

“Yes
, no more condoms!” I chuckle.  “I swear, that’s all guys think of; dipping their wick in without the rubber!” I drolly say.

“No fucking way!  I was never without my trench coat buddy for all those years I was fucking meaningless chicks
. In no way did I want to dip my wick into any of those pussies without protection!” He says in all seriousness and shocked resignation.

“Well that’s... nice!” I respond, pushing back again for him to get the idea that he needs to release me.

“On Monday, Mum’s got that appointment.  Did you remember to ask if you could change to an afternoon shift?” he asks me.

“I did, and I can’t change.  But Steve my
NUM said that I can take my break whenever you need me to.  So, I’ll wait for you to call up to ICU, otherwise I’ll be sitting around not being any help in the waiting room; and then having to go back before you even get to see anyone.” I explain.  It’s the best I could do.  We’re short staffed this week coming.

“Okay
, sounds good.” He says.

I smile and
nod and he lets me go.  I know he’s desperately worried about his mum, because she is looking pretty ill, and she’s lost so much weight!  I’m thinking she hasn’t got long to go, in many ways, it’s been rather amazing she’s come this far.

“Okay Sabrina, put up or shut up.” I say, sitting down on the footstool and imploring her to give me her feet.  She laughs and slowly lifts her left foot, which I swoop in to grab and guide to my lap.

“A little bird told me that you have a birthday in two weeks.
” I say, as I begin smoothing moisturiser on her foot.

“What a cheeky bird!” she says softly, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of my massaging.

“She was a cheeky bird; she also told me you would be turning 58.” I whisper.

“That damned bird!  I was hoping nobody would remember!” she chuckles.

“Don’t worry; you don’t look a day over 56.” I reason.

Sabrina giggles and gives me a weak little kick with her foot.

I continue rubbing her foot and watch as she drifts off.  When I finish her left foot and place it to the floor, I go to retrieve the right foot, only to see her begin to lift it for me.

“You’
re a snake in the grass Sabrina; playing possum!” I joke with her.

She sighs and smiles.

“You’ll take care of him for me, won’t you!” she queries quietly, referring to Ben.

“If he’ll let me.” I whisper back.

“He already has, just don’t keep running away.” She begs softly.

“I won’t.” I respond.

“Please, please promise that you’ll never run away again... it’s such a waste of time!” she pleads and sighs, yet her eyes remain closed.

“I promise
, but I can’t say I won’t want to!” I reason.

“Fair enough
, I’m happy with that!” she nods in agreement.

“Sabrina?” I call
softly.

“Yes Jade.” She answers, finally opening her eyes to look at me.

“Thank you, thanks for letting me in.” I say in gratitude, smoothing the arch of her foot and then rubbing the heel.

“Thank you for letting me love you!” she says.

I can’t breathe; no way... I’ve stopped breathing, and I can barely swallow.  So instead, I push her foot to the side, lean up and give her a soft kiss on the cheek.

“I love you too.” I
manage to whisper in her ear.

“Good, I’m glad we sorted that out... I always wanted a daughter!  It’s good to finally have one!” she states, smoothing the palm of her hand over my cheek.

I sit back down and continue on with my massaging.

Ben.

I’m just standing there and swallowing the huge lump that’s formed in my throat
; and the fucking thing just won’t go down!  They think I can’t hear... they’re whispering away and think that I can’t hear because I’m cutting and peeling and preparing in the kitchen.  But I did hear Jade accuse my Mum of being a snake, which lead me to come and see what they were up to.

I watch as my Mum makes her pleas to Jade on my behalf
. I watch as Jade promises to stay with me, to stay and never run away again.  I watch my Mum tell Jade that she loves her, and I watch Jade get up and kiss her in response before leaning in and gravely and quietly tell her she loves her in return.

My Mum claims her in that moment, and my heart feels so much pain that I can’t understand how something so beautiful can hurt so much!

All I know is that Jade and Silas are now my family... that I found them when my other family were dying out.  I know that I love Jade so much it hurts, and I can’t change the horrible path I’m wandering down; only the people I get to share the journey with.

I can’t help the tears as they form in my eyes
, I can’t help the sting in my throat as the pain transcends the confines of my heart and travels up to burn through my oesophagus; I can’t prevent the gulping bubble of wrenching pain that erupts from my lungs; I can only place my hand over my mouth and ‘will it’ that nobody can hear me.  But Silas does, he’s behind me and pulling me back into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry.” He says, as he forces me away from them.

I can’t say anything just yet; I just shake my head and hold my mouth to stop all sound from erupting. I haven’t cried as yet; this is the first time.  

Silas is still holding me.  I realise that he’s holding me and hugging me fiercely to help me keep it all in.  I find myself leaning into him.

“You’re the best man I know... I wish I could help you more.” He says.

Who are you?
  I think. 
How did I manage to find you both and get to keep you?

I will my voice to settle.

“Silas... you’re one of the best people I know.” I manage to say in my gravelly and emotionally soaked voice.  “You understand things that people four times your age can’t fathom... you’re an old soul in a young body.” I argue, he let’s go of me and steps back.  “You do more than you could possibly know!” I explain.

“I’m a fuck up!” he says solemnly, “So I get to see the bad shit from the inside.  If it means that I can help in some way
, then I guess there’s some benefit to being the way I am.” He reasons, clapping me softly on the back and going back to his culinary preparations.

***

“Is there someone we can call for you Ben?” the nurse asks.  And I’m nodding, because I meant to ask a moment ago for them to call Jade down; before my Mum just dropped that bombshell on me... informing the doctor that she’s had enough... she wants to stop all treatment.