A Pretty Pill (36 page)

We
’re meant to be going in two weeks, and I’ve only just now received the damn thing back via express delivery this morning.

“
Hallelujah...” I say to the courier guy as I sign his little computer screen.  “I never thought it would actually come.”

“We hear that a lot.” He says, giving me a smile.

The house is sold, the furniture is either going to the Salvation Army, or we’ve already sold it... we’re sleeping on mattresses on the floor.  We’re using plastic plates and cutlery, and we’re buying takeout rather than cooking anymore.  I feel like I’m camping inside a house.

Even my clothes are
being pulled out of a suitcase; and we use the Laundromat to wash.

I’m glad it’s warmed up, because otherwise it would be ridiculous
, I’d need more suitcases.

Ben and I have fought nearly every day about something... usually something dumb; but we’re both feeling the tension.  He is getting anxious because until this moment, I couldn’t book a flight, which of course means I can’t fly out with him and Silas... I’m just getting nervous about the whole damn thing.

I am about to go inside, phone him and
then get on the internet to look at flights.

“Hello?” he answers.

“It arrived.” I chime.

“It arrived?  The US government felt your terrorist conviction wasn’t an issue and ASIO are letting you walk free?” he mocks.

“Not funny... actually, it sort of is, but yeah!  I’m all legit... so, I’m hopping online to buy a ticket.” I explain.

“Wait for me.  Silas and I are done; we’ll be there in a minute.” He states, before hanging up and I assume, running to get on his bike.

Ten minutes later, I hear them both gunning along the back streets and then roaring up ours.

“Okay... we need to arrange a flight that sees us leaving and/or arriving around the same time.” Ben says, bringing his ticket over and sitting on the floor in the bare lounge room; where I am currently situated on my stomach, with my laptop before me.

“That’s mental... we’re not going to manage that.” I reason.

“It doesn’t have to be the same airline.” He reasons.

We go through everything.  We finally settle on paying an extra thousand dollars to get a ticket that will see me get in half an hour after them
despite leaving one hour after them from here.

“You’ll have to hang around the airport.” He says.

“So will you... at the other end.” I counter.

“I’ll have company though.” He says.

“True... Silas can be quite entertaining.” I laugh.

He pulls me up off the floor and dumps me on his lap.  “I’m so happy this is sorted now.” He says.  “I’m sorry for being so grumpy lately.”

“Yeah... you’re a bit of a meanie!” I pout.

He begins to smile, and then he’s trailing his hand up my leg.  “I have a mind to spank your arse for that... after I get you naked and in the bathroom.” He threatens.

“No need... I still haven’t got them.” I sigh.

“What does that mean?” he asks.

“I’ll do a pregnancy test and make sure everything is okay... and if it’s negative, I’ll go to the doctor and check things out.  Could be stress related.” I reason.

“You’re not worried?” he asks, his eyebrows raised.

“I haven’t really thought about it till now.” I reason, and I haven’t.

“I’m going to go down the road... I’ll be right back.” He says, sliding me off his lap.

I hear the Yamaha fire up, and I then hear Ben leave.

“Where’s Ben off to?” Silas asks, coming up the stairs.

“Probably to get a pregnancy test.” I say, feigning nonchalance, but feeling a little worried now that I’m thinking about it more.

“You’re pregnant?” he gasps.

“I hope not!” I grumble.  I’m looking on the internet at contraceptive pill failure rates.

“Is it possible?” he queries.

I groan... “According to this web site it is.” I sigh.

“What does it say?” Silas asks, coming around behind me, but not sitting down.

“
Anywhere between a one and five percent failure rate.” I moan.

“Well let’s hope for the sake of a kid you aren’t... you suck at parenting.  Look at me!” he says, trying to lighten my mood. 

“I’ll probably get an abortion if I am.” I say.

“You what?” Silas
gasps.

“You heard... I can’t do this right now.” I reason.

“If it turns out that you are, wait till I go for a ride to see Shae before you tell him that.  I don’t want to be anywhere near ground zero when you drop that bomb.” He says.

“Why?  He’ll be okay... we already had
an incident like this, and he didn’t say a thing.  He was really supportive.” I say, giving him a comical look.

“I don’t care what you think... give me a heads up!” he says.

“Okay.”  I say, rolling my eyes.

Ben.

She’s been a few minutes in the toilet
, and then I hear her... she’s flushing and then she’s opening the door.

“Well?” I ask.

“It’ll take a couple of minutes to show.” She says.

“Where is it?” I ask, following her into the bathroom where she’s washing her hands.

“On the back of the toilet.” She says.  She looks like she’s nervous, but then so am I.

“The site that Jade looked up says there’s between one and five percent failure rate for
the contraceptive pill.” Silas says, sauntering down the hallway.

“Does that mean we should be buying a lotto ticket if she is
, because that’s a sign she’s lucky?”  I ask, trying to act light-hearted, but coming off as strained and uncomfortable.

“Where’s the box?” Jade asks.

“Here.” I give it to her.  She pulls out a folded piece of paper and unfolds it.

“It
’ll have one line if it’s negative and two if positive.” She says, reading the paper.  “Pretty easy really.” She sighs.

“Do you want me to look?” I ask.

She goes to open her mouth, and then she closes it and leans into the wall to tap her head on it... a couple of times. “Yes please.” She pleads weakly.

“Okay
, I’m going to go and look now then.” I say.

My heart rate is really high.  It’s probably nothing.  It’s probably one line.
.. I’m overreacting.  It won’t say shit!

I enter the tiny closet sized room and look at the stick seated on the cistern.

Fuck... two lines. 

“Jade,” I begin
to say cautiously, and retreat back out to the hall.  I pull her to me and hug her head to my chest.

“Two lines?” she squeaks.

“Yes.” I respond.

“Why?” She begins to
wail.  “Why me?  Why now?” she cries

“Me too
, I’m in this too.  We’ll figure it out Red.” I say, but I feel flat.  This is like the most unexpected thing to have occurred in this moment.

My life recently is
like someone said, here... have this great girl, she’s everything you need and all you’ll ever want.  But, the journey alongside her will be the hardest fucking obstacle course ever designed in the history of human kind!

“I can’t do this Ben
, I can’t do it!  This isn’t the right time, this isn’t the right anything!” she moans, her tears soaking my shirt.

“Look, we need to get some distance from this.  We need to stand back and then we’ll think about it later.  I want to think about stuff, and then we’ll talk.  Okay?” I explain and ask.

“Okay.” She responds.

I just hope everything is... okay.

***

“Ben, I’ve got an appointment at a clinic in Broadmeadow today.” Jade says, waking me from a dream in which I was fighting an octopus that was really a spider and trying to suck my insides out.

“What?” I’m groggy, I definitely heard her say that she’s got some clinic appointment, but I don’t know what she’s trying to say.

“I’ve got an appointment
; at a clinic!” she repeats.

“What for?” I ask, turning on my side to look at her.

We leave in two days... Jade’s been morose and distant since she found out about the pregnancy, and she’s pretty much stopped being any fun to be around.  But I get it.  I’m still reeling from the shock myself.  But I’ve come to accept it, and I’m kind of happy about it too now.

“It’s a clinic where I can
, you know...” she states, not looking at me and not finalising her message.  But there’s no need to, I’ve worked out what she’s not saying and I feel sick.

“You’re getting rid of him aren’t you!” I accuse, looking pointedly at her stomach.

“It’s not an anything yet... it’s an it, not a him or a her!” she states.

“We talked about this
, you said you’d wait till we got there to decide; that we’d decide together.” I reason.

“It’ll be too late then.  Right now it’s classified as a medical abortion... because I can just take a co
uple of pills under supervision and miscarry.  In a few weeks time, I’ll have to have a surgical abortion... it’s more invasive and risky!” she laments.

“When did you know you were going to do this?” I growl.

“What do you mean?  I didn’t know till just now!” she says.

“It’s six in the morning Jade
, you don’t just decide at six on a Tuesday morning that you’re going to get an abortion and suddenly have an appointment to go to.” I argue, I’m getting worked up.

“I made it the day after I found out; but I didn’t know if I’d keep the appointment till now.” She says sheepishly.

I’m seeing stars... go figure.  I’m about to explode and I see pin points of light indicating that I’m light headed and about to pass out.

“What about me?” I groan; sitting up and placing my head in my hands.

“It’s not about you. It’s my body.” she states, like it’s a fact and what say do I actually have?

I’m
fuming; I’m instantly on nuclear alert.

“It fucking is about me... that’s my fucking child too!” I shout.

Jade is taken aback.  I can’t believe that she’d think this is okay.

“It’s my body Ben
, it’s my decision!” she shouts back.

“Yeah... you fucking did that didn’t you
, decided!  You fucking knew that this was going to happen ten days ago; you kept that out of our conversations, you lied to me!” I shout at her.

“I didn’
t lie...” she begins, but I cut her off.

“You kept that little tidbit of information from me Jade... that’s the same as lying.” I growl.

“It’s not your choice, it’s my choice.” She suddenly screams at me, jumping off the mattress and standing up.

She’s dressed... I hadn’t quite noticed till now, but she’s ready to go... she knew she was going to have an argument with me, and she prepared.  I feel betrayed
, I feel like hell opened up and poured some rage into me.

“Your fucking right it’s not my choice... it’s our choice; not yours, not mine...
OURS.
  And you didn’t even give me that.  You went ahead and under cover made that decision for me.  You fucking decided weeks ago, and then strung me along, giving me hope; giving me hope that maybe you’d let me have this little miracle that somehow got to make itself happen despite our best efforts to prevent it.  You fucking didn’t consult me at all, you just talked bullshit to me about our options and all the while didn’t take any of my thoughts and feelings into consideration.”  I’m shouting... I’m shouting so loud that Silas has heard me and is now standing in our doorway, dishevelled and ready to kill an intruder.

“I can’t do this!” she shouts and begins to walk away.

“So you’re fucking going to run from it!  You’re fucking going to run from being a Mum because you can’t do it!” I scream, getting up off the bed.

“Yes!” she turns and screams back.

“Did you even stop for a moment and think that it’s not just you that was going to be doing it?  That there was another person in this equation that maybe wanted to do it alongside you?  Did you think that Silas would stand back and not get involved in any way?  What did you fucking think, Jade?  Did you think about it at all?” I’m shouting, following her to the internal stairs... watching her booted feet clomp across the floor, and knowing she’s leaving and at some stage today killing the little dream that had been building up inside me.

She’s not answering me and I’m too scared to touch her
, because I may do something really stupid like restrain her against her will.

“Jade
you’re fucking shitting me!  You’re fucking throwing me aside and killing me... I want this baby; I fucking want it and I want to do this with you!” I scream down the stairs at her back.