A Pretty Pill (37 page)

“Fuck...” Silas says almost silently; watching from the sidelines
gripping his hair with both hands and helpless to do anything.

I’m falling down to the floor.  I feel the anguish erupt from me rather than hear it, and I slide down the banister at the top of the stairs and feel the floor beneath my arse.  I feel it on my hands, and I feel my body shaking in unspent rage and panic.

I hear the Kawasaki roar to life and I hear her running away from me... out of the garage and down the street; and the sound makes me feel like a chainsaw is grinding my heart from out of my body... and displaying it to me in all its messy anguish and betrayal.

Jade.

What am I doing?  What am I doing here?  What the fuck was I thinking and how could I be such a mega bitch?  Was I always like this... was I always so intent on destroying everything that is right in my life and fucking with other people who wanted to love me?

I was a precocious teenager... but that didn’t seem to matter at the time.

I was loving to
ward my parents, and I’ve always loved Silas.

But I’ve fucked up with Ben.  I’ve fucking broken him; for no reason other than he loves me
; I’ve taken his love and shit all over it.  And not once; I’m consistently and unendingly screwing him over!

I can’t do this to him... I need to fix it
, but I don’t know how.

“Miss Tayte?  Did you hear me?  I asked if there is someone who’ll take care of you after you leave here.  You need to be supervised because the medications can have some serious side effects, and if anything untoward happens, you’ll need to seek help immediately.” The doctor indicates.

“I heard, and I do have people who can take care of me... but I...” I’m choking.  I mightn’t want this baby... but I want to hurt and destroy my relationship with Ben even less.

“You know...” I begin to say gravelly.  “I don’t think I’m ready to do this... I think I may have changed my mind.” I explain.

“That happens... if you want to continue with your pregnancy... we can discuss prenatal options and help guide your decisions for prenatal care.” She says smiling.

“I... I have to go.  I am moving in two days time and I need to get my head together before I go and tell my boyfriend I’m sorry and... I have to go.” I explain... or actually I don’t, except to inform her that I’m leaving.

“Okay... I’ll inform my nurse that you won’t be going through with treatment today, and I’m sorry, but you’ll still need to pay for the consultation when you leave.  Just go to the receptionist and she’ll fix you up.” She says politely.

I stand and she shows me to the door.  She places her hand out in front of me, in a gesture to shake hands; and I do.

“You know, motherhood isn’t all that bad.  If you have the right person to help you, it can actually be kind of rewarding.” She smiles.

I smile weakly at her and leave.

I’m not sure where I’m going, but I decide to ditch my bike now, and go to a hotel to sleep and think.

Ben.

“Has she called?” I hear my gravelly voice ask Silas.  I’m lying on the bed
; she didn’t come home last night and she didn’t answer any of mine or Silas’ calls yesterday.  Her stuff is lying ready for tomorrow in a pile at the front door, as are Silas’ and mine.  Today, we’re meant to be taking the bikes to storage.

“No.” He says melancholic. I’m worried about him... this bullshit is going to fuck him up.  Luckily he was able to convince Shae’s parents that she should stay here for his last couple of nights; otherwise we wouldn’t be lifting off tomorrow at all.  We’d be visiting him in the unit for the next couple of weeks.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

“What are you sorry for?” I ask.  My chest is hurting and I feel like my stomach has chewed right through me, but if he goes here now, it’ll truly break me. 

I’m barely holding on and I’m hoping to hear from Jade.  I can still recover from this... I can still love her and I can still forgive her if she comes back today.  It’ll take me time... a lot of time; but I know I can do it because one day, it will be the right time.  We will make a decision based on the right circumstances, and I can’t let that slide because she hurt me so much yesterday.  She still has my heart in her hands; and I know I’ll never find peace without her, without my heart that she still carries with her.

“I feel like it’s my fault.” He explains.

“How is all this crap your fault?” I ask confusedly.

“I was a horrible teenager... I ruined Jade.” He says, taking the responsibility of Jade’s decisions on his shoulders.

“No fucking way!” I dispute, “Jade makes her own choices; you’re a great brother.” I reason.

“You didn’t know me back then.  I was really hard... I was a total arsehole!” he sighs.

“Silas, please, hang in there.  She’ll be fine.  She’ll return to us and we’ll be going tomorrow to LA together.  Go back to Shae and enjoy your last day together.  Is she still willing to drive us back here from the storage facility?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah
, whenever we’re ready.” He says, before retreating and leaving me to my grief.

***

Silas unlocks the sliding door to the storage unit, and I’m seated on my bike with my head down on the tank, feeling ill.  Still no signs from Jade.  She still hasn’t turned on her phone, and she still won’t return any of the dozens of messages left for her.

“Holy fuck!”  I hear Silas’ muffled shout.  He must’ve screamed it, because he has his helmet on, as do I, and the bikes are still run
ning; and yet I still heard him.

I’m looking at him for clarification, and he trundles over to me.  But all he does is nod his head to the unit.  We have three units now... this one will just be for the bikes... it should therefore be empty.

I pull forward a little, so I can see into the unit.

Jade’s bike is in position.  It’s a sign I cannot misconstrue.  She’s planning to come with us.  But where the fuck is she?

I urge my bike forward, to park alongside hers; and I hear Silas behind me, prepare to do the same.  I put the stand down and lever the bike back to catch and stay in position, before I hop off.

I’m tearing my helmet off and the gloves, and I’m leaning over the Kawasaki, feeling for heat smelling for recent use.

It’s cold.  She probably left it here yesterday.

Silas turns his bike off and saunters over.

“What are you thinking?” he asks.

“I’m thinking she’s coming with us tomorrow, but that she’s
hiding out till the last moment.” I reason.

“I’m fucking going to kick her arse for this.  I’m fucking going to tear her to pieces.” He seethes.

“No you aren’t.” I growl.

“Ben... you’re pathetically pussy whipped.” Silas grumbles.

“If this was Shae, you’d be the same.” I reason.

“No I wouldn’t be
, I’d fucking scream and shout and have my piece of her too!  I’m just lucky that this is not a Shae thing to do.” he argues.

“I never said I wouldn’t argue and shout... we do that all the time; but I’m not going to tear her to pieces.  At the moment I just want her back.  I’ll argue with her later.” I explain.  I will argue with her later.  I just want her to know I still love her first.  We’ll fix the broken pieces afterwards... it may involve shouting and swearing though... a lot of swearing.

Jade.

I have no idea how I got through the night.  It was absolutely the worst sleep I have ever had.  I should’ve called a taxi and went home, but I’m a coward.  I wanted more time to gather my cowardly arse together.

What if I return and he t
ells me he hates me and to fuck off?

What will Silas think... what is he thinking now?

How do we move forward from this moment... how do I have a baby with Ben and start a new life in another country?

And why can’t stop crying?

... I’m so fucking scared, that’s why...

The taxi drops me off at the house mid-morning.  The hotel’s policy is for guests to leave by 10:00am, and I didn’t want to make any more excuses by requesting a late checkout; I pay the driver and saunter up the driveway, letting myself in with my key that will stay on the kitchen bench come tomorrow.

I walk through the house...
its vacant; except for our suitcases at the front door, and a mattress in our room with a couple of pillows and a doona.  I’m assuming that Silas’ room is the same, and that the boys are out.  It makes me want to cry again.

Seb will be coming tomorrow to take the mattresses
, pillows and blankets before we leave in the shuttle... the house will be totally vacant then, awaiting the new owners.

I walk back into the lounge room, and I crash to the floor against the wall, pulling my feet in and waiting for the boys to return.

They’re not long.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if I opened this door and she was sitting there right now...” Ben is saying, and then he looks in and sees me, and he’s frozen.

Wrong... he’s so fucking surprised, he’s blocking the way in.  Silas looks over his shoulder to see what’s stopping Ben from entering; and his eyes squint into slits; informing me that he’s pissed.

He barges past Ben and storms over to me.

He’s aggressively tapping my foot, “Get the fuck up!” he shouts down at me.

I’m spent... I just do as he says.

He grabs me by the shoulders, his fingers are pressing into me almost bruisingly... ouch... actually no, he’s bruising me.

“Don’t you ever fucking do that again Jade... you’re fucking lucky you’re not a guy, or I’d fucking punch your head in.” He says, before pulling me fiercely in to his arms.

But Ben’s there and he’s ripping Silas’ arms from me.

“Fucking talk to her like that again Silas, and I’ll fucking punch you in the head.” He says.

“She’s my sister...” Silas argues.  “And she’s acting like a fucking stupid idiot!” Silas reasons.

“Still
, I’m not going to tolerate it.” Ben states, turning me to him.

“Are you
back?  Are you staying?” he asks, holding me at arm’s length.

“Yes.” I
sob... I’ve started to cry... I’m a fucking moron!

He pulls me into his arms and croakily says, “Good answer.”

I see Shae walking up to Silas and taking his hand to lead him away and give us some space.

“I didn’t do it... I couldn’t go through with it... I’m sorry.” I cry.

Ben holds me tighter.

“You’re still pregnant?” he asks.

“Yes.” I answer.

“Fuck... Red, what am I going to do with you?” He cries.

“Help me... help me do this, because I’m so scared I can’t think clearly.” I explain, tears streaming down my face.

“I’ll help... but no more running away, or I’ll pay to have a GPS chip installed in you.” He demands.

“Okay.” I say.

“You’re mine Jade... and I’m yours.  We’re in this together... so stop leaving me all the time.” He requests.  His words sit heavy, and I don’t actually know how to fix the damage I’ve created.

“How do I fix this Ben?  What can I say that will mend this?” I ask.  He’s still holding me tightly, enclosed in his arms.  His scent surrounds me, his hands are gripping me, and he’s silent except his breathing.

I wait for what seems like hours, when finally he says
...

“When it happens... when I get around to asking you to marry me; promise me that you won’t freak out, say no or run.” He demands softly.

“I promise.”

Silas.

It’s so much more different on this side of the octagon’s
barrier.  You don’t really notice all the crowds and screaming people when you’re focussed and inside the cage.

Ben’s standing inside the octagon, waiting to be announced.  It’s his
fourth fight since returning for this season’s UFC.  There can be quite a lot of time between bouts, and he’s looking hungry and desperate to get this one started.

He lost his first fight by decision.  He took it a bit hard, but he’s won e
ach fight since.

I’ve had two fights since my introduction, and won both of them... it won’t always be like that, but I’m pretty happy about it.  My
second fight was last weekend, my eyebrow is still swollen, and the stitches I required behind my ear hurt like a motherfucker when I pull my helmet off.  But I knocked the bastard out in the end.  No decision bullshit to contend with when that happens.

“Where’s Shae?  They’re about to start.” Jade asks, looking around.

“She had to go to the toilet.” I say, looking up to see if I can see her myself.  Her silvery blond hair used to be so easy to spot, but here in LA, every second woman has the same colour... not natural I’m sure, but confusing nonetheless.