A State of Jane (11 page)

*   *   *

I gave Bob a reprieve from my hostility toward testicle-bearing beings. Even I had to concede that he had been a good boyfriend. Although he found someone else to remind him to get a haircut, we still spoke every couple of weeks.

I had just spent ten minutes feigning interest in his purchase of an “off the hook” 52-inch flat screen TV and how watching the Syracuse games on that piece of plasma would be “legendary.” Bob and his buddies described everything slightly more interesting than the 11:00 news as “legendary.” I wasn't really listening. I was wracking my brain for an excuse to bail on my plans with Marissa to go to Katherine's tree trimming party that night. Apparently Katherine's husband had a friend they thought would be perfect for me. Why? Because he was a lawyer and I planned on going to law school? Why did people think any common interest between two people automatically meant they'd make a good couple? I said I
wasn't interested (politely, of course) but supposedly there would be other single guys there and Marissa didn't want to miss out. She also didn't want to go alone.

“So, you'll be there, right?”

“Only because Marissa begged me!” I shouted.

“Huh? You lost me at ‘Marissa,’” Bob said.

Realizing that Bob wasn't privy to the internal thoughts in my head when I was supposed to be conversing with him about his “legendary” flat screen, I said, “Never mind. What are you talking about?”

“Mine and Trish's house warming next Saturday night. You'll be there, right? Feel free to bring a date,” he said. “Or Marissa. Word on the street is that you're not really dating right now.”

Word on the street? Was my relationship status suddenly worthy of street talking?

“I'm not bringing Marissa! I'll bring a date. Don't know who your source is but she doesn't know what she's talking about.”
And neither do I.

“Sweet,” Bob said. I could almost see the gleam in his super straight teeth as he said it.

“Yeah. Sweet,” I repeated.

Maybe I could have a thing for lawyers after all. A temporary thing. Like seven days.

Through the wall of my room, I called out, “Lainie? Can I borrow that denim zip-up dress? The pleather pants too?”

I was afraid it might take more than slimming black pants and a v-neck sweater to lasso a date on such short notice. Especially a date who thought I was the bee's knees and would hang on my every word at the housewarming party.

C
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20

I dipped a baby carrot in hummus and popped it in my mouth before scoping out the room. To Katherine's credit, there were a lot of attractive, professional looking people in attendance, although most were already engaged in conversation with someone of the opposite sex.

I caught Katherine's eye and she frantically waved me over. By her side was a nondescript guy with longish dark hair and blue eyes. The most original aspect of his appearance was his baseball cap. The logo was a red sock. With a single goal in mind, I straightened my dress, sucked in my stomach and walked over to her.

“Katherine! Hi!” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and turned to smile at Red Sock Guy before turning back to her. “Thanks so much for having me!” I did a 360 of the room. “Great party!”

“So glad you could make it. The exciting life of a single girl. Ah, the good ol' days!”

I bit my tongue to keep from debating the definition of “good.” “I can always make time for friends!” Glancing over at Marissa deep in conversation with her brother and sister-in-law, I said, “Marissa was so excited about it too.” Remembering my mission, I smiled shyly at Red Sock Guy. People assumed shy meant nice. “Hi. I'm Jane.”

Before he could respond, Katherine put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Oh how rude of me. Jane, this is Todd. He's a lawyer. Could probably give you advice on law school.”

“You're in law school?” he asked.

Shaking my head, I said, “Not yet. Just studying for the LSAT.”

Todd laughed. “Good times. Almost as good as studying for the bar!”

Katherine excused herself, claiming that she needed to get back to her hostess duties and that Todd and I probably had a lot to talk about. I found it odd that she was playing matchmaker to me, someone who barely liked her, instead of her own sister, but I needed a date for that coming weekend and so I tossed my concerns aside.

“Great hat,” I said.

Todd grinned. “You a Red Sox fan?”

“I usually stick to black socks. Or white if I'm working out, but red socks are certainly interesting.”

“Ha ha! Good one,” Todd said.

Flirtatiously, I asked, “Can I try it on?” Jim had said I looked sexy in his Detroit Tigers baseball cap and I really needed to speed up the pace of this conversation. If he didn't take the bait, I'd cut my losses while it was still early enough to fake interest in someone else at the party.

Todd removed his cap and, although I thought he was going to give it to me, he turned it around and planted it on his head backwards. He looked like an idiot, but I smiled as I awaited his response.

Shaking his head, he said, “I'm very superstitious. I let my ex wear it once last season and the Red Sox lost their first place position in the division. No one but me is wearing the cap ever again.”

I decided that not only did he look like an idiot, he
was
an idiot. I nodded. “I understand completely.” I glanced around the room hoping to spot the nearest eligible bachelor and was prepared to make my getaway when Todd said, “But… my firm is hosting a bowl-a-thon on Monday night and we need cheerleaders. If you go with me, maybe we'll get you your own ‘Schwetty Ballz’ team hat. I bet you'd look real cute in it.”

Mission accomplished, I saw no reason to hang around at the party any longer. So, after telling Todd I'd absolutely love to join him
and couldn't wait to watch their rivals, “Splitz Happen,” go down the gutter (his words, I just enthusiastically repeated them), I told Katherine that I wasn't feeling well and wanted to get a good night's sleep so that I'd be in tip-top condition for my date with Todd, who was way awesome. After thanking her for making the introduction, I gave a pouting Marissa an apologetic hug for leaving her stranded, waved to Todd across the room, and gave a satisfied smile as the front door of Katherine's apartment closed behind me.

C
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21

Exhausted, I fell back on my bed, still dressed in my souvenir “Schwetty Ballz” T-shirt. Todd was a decent guy, but boy was he a Chatty Cathy. The only time he stopped talking to me was when it was his turn to bowl and even then, he'd turn and wave at me first — which meant I had to be “on” all night. And I had to make moon eyes at him so his colleagues would buy that I was into him. We planned another date for Thursday night so I just had to bat my eyelashes and flip my hair one more night to secure a date to Bob and Trish's party. And since I slickly inquired about Todd's plans for the weekend, I knew he'd be around on Saturday night. Best of all, I felt no pressure to do more than kiss the guy since I only had to engage in the charade for three dates. Thankfully, he wasn't a bad kisser because even that could get tiresome.

In the meantime, Lainie noticed that I spent less time trying to recreate the recipes from
Top Chef
and more time out of the apartment. As we sat in the kitchen drinking coffee before work on Thursday morning, she inquired as to the extent of my interest in this “new dude.”

I threw out the used coffee filter and put my dirty mug in the dishwasher. “He serves his purpose,” I said.

Lainie raised her eyebrow at me. “Purpose? What purpose would that be?”

Shrugging, I said, “I need a date to Bob's party on Saturday. A male date. Todd's single and interested. Serves his purpose.”

“So you don't like him?”

“Why does it matter?”

Lainie stood up and put her coffee cup in the sink. “Not sure I follow your question,” she said.

I removed her coffee cup from the sink and placed it in the dishwasher next to mine. “Nothing to follow, Lainie. I've got it under control.” Since I had run out of yogurt, I stood on my tippy-toes so that I could reach the top shelf of our pantry and grabbed one of Lainie's granola bars. “You don't mind if I take one of these, do you?”

Lainie was staring at me oddly but shook her head and said, “No. Be my guest.”

“Thanks.” Tossing the bar in my pocket book, I flashed Lainie a smile and said, “I gotta run. Have a great day!”

*   *   *

Later that night, I tried to watch UCLA take on Arizona in college basketball at Bar Coastal but most of my brain activity was consumed with calculating the perfect way to ask Todd if he'd escort me to Bob and Trish's party. We were sitting next to each other at the bar. Todd was drinking a pint of beer and I was nursing a cider. I was still full from the pasta dinner we'd eaten at the Italian restaurant around the corner.

On a commercial break, Todd turned his attention to me. “Thanks for agreeing to watch the game with me. I'm usually more creative on a second date but the Bruins and Wildcats are major rivals. Like the Yankees and Red Sox! Or the Giants and Eagles. I couldn't miss this game!”

I got the distinct feeling that Todd was way more passionate about sports than torts. I flipped my hair and placed my hand over his. “No worries. This is fun!” I lied.

Todd grinned. “Great! I'd hate my addiction to ruin my chances of a third date.”

Not a chance. “I'm just happy you want to go out again,” I said sweetly.

The commercial break had ended and so, with one eye on me and the other watching the screen, Todd nodded. “Totally. The sooner the better.”

I couldn't ask for a better opening. “Funny you should say that.”

“Yeah? Why's that?” Todd turned his head to face me before quickly looking back at the game.

Crossing the fingers of my left hand under my thigh, I said, “I was wondering if you wanted to come to a party with me on Saturday night. A friend of mine just moved in with his girlfriend and they're having a housewarming party.” I paused. “Fun people. Should be a good time.”

Todd removed his attention from the game and angled his body toward mine. He grabbed my hand and said, “I'd love to, Jane.” Gesturing towards the television set, he said, “Any chance these friends of yours follow college basketball?”

“Totally! Bob played basketball in college. He's practically addicted!” An embellishment more than a lie since Bob was on the basketball team in high school and even got to play a few games.

Beaming, Todd exclaimed, “Then it's a date!”

Beaming back, I said, “Yay!”

A moment later, Todd was again entranced by the game. He was still smiling and although he only spoke to me on commercials, he would occasionally squeeze my hand. I squeezed it back and while the tall men in red came back in the last twenty-eight seconds to score the winning point, I prayed that Claire would agree to do my hair and makeup the night of the party. As the ex-girlfriend of the host, I knew there would be silent comparisons between me and Trish and I refused to be outshined.

C
HAPTER
22

It was Saturday night at 7:45 and I was perched on my bathroom counter, legs dangling over the edge, while Claire applied my makeup. “So, let me see if I understand this correctly,” she said. “This makeover has nothing to do with trying to impress this guy Todd and everything to do with one-upping Trish?”

My mouth open as Claire applied a second coat of my mascara, I nodded my response.

“Do we know what she looks like?”

“Mom told me that Mrs. Krauss told her that Trish looks like she could be in a Ralph Lauren ad, except for the fact that she's barely five feet tall. She's got a perfect blunt haircut – a brunette, wears big round sunglasses all year round and a lot of polo shirts. Sounds like a freak to me, but it's Bob's life.”

Snorting, Claire said, “Not for nothing Jane but you're not exactly a hip dresser either. You always look like you just walked off of an Ann Taylor catalog.” After swiping my face with translucent powder, Claire put the big brush down and took a step back. “Voila! Makeover complete.”

I jumped off the counter and peered closely at my reflection. Claire had used just enough bronzer to give me a naturally sun-kissed look and my complexion looked perfect. I reached over and hugged her. “I love it! Thank you!”

“You're so easy to please, little sister!” she said, laughing. “You look pretty. Todd will be blown away.”

I waved my hand in dismissal. “Like I said, I don't really care what Todd thinks.”

Claire shook her head at me, “That's kind of mean, isn't it? How would you like it if some guy jerked you around just to one-up his ex-girlfriend?”

I felt a twinge of regret in my belly, but the last thing I wanted was a guilt trip. “I promise to be really nice to Todd, OK? And besides, Idon't want you worrying about me.” I pointed at her not yet growing belly. “You should be focusing on my unborn niece or nephew!”

Claire raised an eyebrow. “So it's fine for me to spend my evening doing your makeup, but showing concern about your love life is harmful to my pregnancy?”

“First of all, I don't have a love life and second of all, exactly!”

Laughing, Claire gave me a light push out of my bathroom. “Hurry up and get dressed. You're gonna be late!”

*   *   *

The first thing I noticed about Trish's apartment, correction, Trish and Bob's apartment was how white everything was. White painted walls, white leather couch and love seat, white porcelain countertops in the kitchen. Sure, there were pops of color here and there, red throw pillows on the couches, black wooden coffee and end tables, dark blue area rug, but pretty much everything was pristine white. Even the paintings were black and white Ansel Adams knock-offs. At least I hoped they were knock-offs, considering the only artwork in my apartment was ten dollar landscapes I picked up on the Second Avenue Street Fair the summer before. As I imagined Bob trying to eat a slice of pizza in front of the massive flat-screen television set without staining the couch, I laughed out loud.

Todd whispered, “What's so funny?”

Bored with him but happy to have survived the cab ride from uptown listening to him brag about how the Red Sox's acquisition of
some “ace” pitcher from the LA Angels during the off season would totally give the Sox an edge over the Yankees, I whispered back, “Nothing. Just thought of something silly.” I took Todd gently by the elbow and led him toward the back of the living room where I spotted Bob. A head taller than most of the people at the party, I couldn't see who he was talking to, but his gaze was focused downward and he was hunching slightly. I assumed Trish the midget was at his hip. I licked my dry lips, ran my free hand through my hair and stood quietly while I waited for Bob to notice me. I didn't want to interrupt and used the free moments to inspect Trish. She was thinner than me and I reluctantly concluded that despite being vertically challenged, she had a better body. My eyes focused on her boobs, hoping that with less body fat she'd be flat chested. They looked about the same size as mine which might have been the only thing we had in common, at least appearance wise. I noted that her nose was slightly long relative to her tiny face and her dark eyes were kind of small and unimpressive, which might explain her propensity to wear sunglasses. I definitely had a prettier face so, all things considered, it was a tie.