A State of Jane (12 page)

I was searching for a tie-breaker when Bob called out, “Janey!” and pulled me into a hug. As I embraced him, I looked at Trish to gauge her reaction to seeing her new live-in boyfriend with his arms around his ex-girlfriend of nine years. She was smiling and although I looked really hard, I saw no jealousy or insecurity behind her beady eyes.

When Bob and I separated, Trish jumped up and down. Clapping her hands excitedly, she came barging at me, squeezing me with full force. Although her mouth was eye-level to my neck, I was able to make out her muddled version of, “I'm so happy to finally meet you!”

Taken aback, and somewhat frightened, if truth be told, I pulled away and straightened the top of my scoop neck sweater. Offering my hand, I forced a smile and said, “Hi. I'm Jane.”

Jumping up and down again, Trish squealed, “I know! Bob's told me so much about you. And I've seen all of Arlene's photo albums. Love the ones from the high school prom.” Winking at Bob, she said, “He looked so cute in his tux.”

I glanced at Bob, hoping he'd roll his eyes and we'd share a silent laugh, but he had his hand on Trish's shoulder and was beaming as brightly as she.

While I counted the number of tiny freckles on her nose, Trish continued, “Looking at the pictures, part of me wished I knew Bob back then. But you were such a great girlfriend to him. Thanks to you, I got him un-jaded. Unlike some of these other NYC guys.”

When I heard a cough in the background, I remembered Todd was next to me. “Oh, I'm so sorry,” I said. Gesturing towards Todd, I said, “This is Todd. My, uh, my -”

Interrupting my eloquent introduction, Todd nodded at Bob. “Todd. Jane's lucky date. Nice to meet you. Jane baked this potato soufflé for you guys.”

Taking the platter from him, Trish said, “Thanks so much! Bob said you were a really good cook. Me, not so much!” Her eyes dilating in interest, she looked from me to Todd and asked, “How'd you guys meet?”

I started to explain. “Todd's a lawyer and my friend Marissa's sister thought we'd …”

“At a party,” Todd cut in.

“Cute! When was the party?” Trish asked.

Wanting to keep the duration of my relationship with Todd vague, I started to answer, “I don't really remember…”

“Last Saturday,” Todd said. “Jane liked my Red Sox hat.”

“That's funny since Jane has zero interest in sports,” Bob said, laughing.

“Yeah, Bob told me about the time his boss got tickets to a Ranger's game and you fell asleep in the second half.” After she said this, Trish covered her mouth with her hand. I wasn't sure if she was regretful for embarrassing me or just trying to contain her laughter. The former would mean she was nice so I hoped for the latter. But I guessed the former.

I shrugged. “Yeah, well. It was a week-night game. Long day of work.”

Patting my back like a child would a pony, Todd said, “Aw, she's a good sport. Watched basketball with me this week and even accompanied me to my firm's bowling tournament. And we've only been dating a week.”

Feeling busted, I reluctantly met Bob's glance. His eyebrows raised, he nodded, “Yup. A great sport indeed.”

“I'm gonna get another beer. Anyone want anything?” Todd asked.

In unison, all three of us replied, “No, thanks.”

After Todd was out of ear shot, Trish said happily, “He seems nice! There are too many people here tonight for us to really talk, but you guys should come over for dinner sometime. Bob speaks so highly of you. I would truly like us to be friends.”

I examined Trish's face again for some sign that she secretly hated my attendance at her party. Some indication that late at night when Bob was asleep, she stuck needles in a Jane-inspired voodoo doll wishing that my existence would be removed from Bob's memory and that all pictures of me would magically disappear from Mrs. Krauss's photo albums. But what stood before me was a truly nice person who was neither fat nor ugly and seemingly not fatally flawed in any way. Trish was sincere. She was not threatened by me. She was not jealous. She was not insecure. She was in love, she was happy, and she wanted me to be happy too. And she actually wanted to be friends.

My whole charade was failing miserably. It was obvious Todd and I were not on our way to cohabitated bliss like Bob and Trish, and worse, pretending to be right behind her in the line to romantic happiness was pointless and would only serve to make me look even more pathetic than I already did. I had to change directions and fast.

I leaned in toward Bob and Trish and motioned with my finger for them to close the space between us. When they moved in, I confided, “If you must know, I don't think Todd is the one.”

Bob laughed. “Oh really?”

Trish frowned. “That's too bad.”

“Nah! As you know, I had the same boyfriend for nine years. My first and only boyfriend, if you know what I mean.” I gave Trish a knowing look but she stared back at me blankly. “Bob was a good lover and all, but I've got serious oats to sow before I settle down.” I did a 360 of the room as if making sure no one could overhear my next words. “All the guys I'm dating now? Using them,” I whispered. “For sex.”

Bob let out a loud guffaw while Trish stared at me, her mouth agape. I knew Bob was waiting for me to say, “Just kidding” and I half wanted to but the words didn't come.

“OK then,” Trish said, her face red. After a minute, she recovered and said, “Good for you, Jane. Might as well take advantage of your independence while you're still single.” Then she gave Bob a pleading look and said, “Help me in the kitchen, sweetie? I want to warm Jane's soufflé in the oven.”

Trish kept her distance from me for the remainder of the party. Bob tried to corner me a few times, but when I saw him coming, I made sure to be on my way to the bathroom or in the foyer taking an urgent call from the dial tone.

I had no idea what had come over me. “I'm using them for sex.” I felt as if a piece of my sanity was slowly chipping away, yet I also felt empowered.

It was all a matter of perspective. Jim hadn't dumped me after we had sex. I had taken what I wanted and moved on. Cory hadn't disappeared on me seemingly for no reason. I was no longer interested in what he had to offer. Randall hadn't kicked me to the curb because I wouldn't sleep with him. I wouldn't sleep with him because I didn't want him!

It occurred to me, while sitting on the cold white toilet seat pretending to pee in order to avoid Bob, that I much preferred having the power over the man and deciding when to cut the cord, over being powerless and on the receiving end of the silent fade-away.

With my new found philosophy firmly in place, I was ready to leave and spotted Bob laughing with a few guys from his accounting office. I walked over to them and when there was a pause in the conversation, I coughed and said, “Bob, we're gonna leave now. Thanks so much for having us.” I glanced at Todd, who was standing quietly behind me.

Bob eyed me suspiciously but just said, “I'm really glad you guys could make it. I'm so happy you finally met Trish.” He turned around and called her name.

Trish looked to be in a dynamic conversation with an older woman but smiled brightly when she heard Bob call out to her. Then she looked over at me and frowned.

“Come say goodbye to Jane,” Bob said.

Trish looked at Bob and then back at me and slowly walked over. “It was nice to meet you, Jane,” she said flatly. Gesturing towards Todd, she said, “You too, Todd. Good luck to you.” Then she stood on her tippy-toes and tousled Bob's hair before walking away without another mention of us coming over for dinner.

Bob turned back toward us and shrugged. Extending his hand to Todd, he said, “Nice meeting you.”

“You too,” Todd said. “Thanks for having me. I totally forgot to talk to you about basketball. Jane told me you played.”

Bob muttered, “Of course she did. Next time.”

When Todd walked away first, I caught Bob's eye and he gave me a questioning look. I winked in response and followed Todd out the door.

Todd and I didn't talk much during our walk toward the 6 train after the party. My epiphany made me want to skip down the cobblestone village streets and nod knowingly at all of the girls I saw holding hands with some guy to see if they were in on the secret. But Todd was dragging his heels with his head bowed. I didn't very much care why he was suddenly sullen but out of some sense of obligation, I stopped walking. Todd walked a few steps before realizing I was no longer by his side, but finally stopped, turned around and asked, “What's wrong?”

“That's what I was going to ask you. You've been so quiet. What's up?”

Todd walked over to me and guided me to the steps of a brownstone. He motioned for me to sit.

I was reluctant. The steps were part of someone else's property. I really wanted to go to bed but I sat down anyway, patted the concrete step next to me and said, “Sit.”

Todd sat down and I waited for him to speak his mind. “OK, here goes nothing,” he said. “How come you didn't mention that Bob was your ex-boyfriend? You said it was a friend's party, not an old boyfriend and his new girlfriend's party.”

“I didn't think you'd want to go if I told you the truth.” I left out the part about desperately needing a date.

“Do you still love him? I know it's only our third date, but I need to know if you're still pining over an ex before proceeding to a…”

Interrupting him, I put my index and pointer fingers on his lips. “Shh,” I whispered. “I'll always love Bob, but we're not in love and haven't been in a long, long time. I've moved on. I wouldn't watch college basketball for just anyone, you know.”

When Todd's lips parted in a smile, I kissed him softly. We kissed for a few minutes before I claimed an upset stomach from too much red pepper and garlic hummus, and, promising a fourth date soon, asked if he'd walk me to the subway.

I lay in bed alone twenty minutes later and as my head hit the pillow, I knew one thing for certain:

There'd be no fourth date. But this time, it would be on my terms.

C
HAPTER
23

I woke up bright and early the next morning and felt so rested that I made it to the 8:00 spin class at the gym. Energized and famished, I walked through the entrance of H&H bagels but thought better of it, walked back out and stepped to a corner to call Lainie.

When she answered, “Hello” with a frog in her throat, I said, “Wanna go out for breakfast?”

After yawning loudly into the phone, she answered, “Calling me from the next room is really lazy. You could've just knocked on my door, Jane.”

Laughing, I said, “Yes, I'm so lazy, I just finished a spin class. It's beautiful out. Feels like Spring in December! Get up and meet me at EJ's. I'm all sweaty so no need to shower. I'll call Marissa and reserve a table.”

After a brief hesitation, Lainie said, “OK, but pick me up a coffee somewhere first. The wait will be long and I need coffee to deal with a perky Jane.”

Very happy to be “perky Jane” again, I agreed. “Sure thing! See you in a few.”

By the time I convinced Marissa to skip the shower, picked up coffees for all three of us, pushed my way to the hostess to put our names in for a table and returned to the waiting area, Marissa and Lainie had arrived. Forty-five minutes later, we were seated at a
corner table by the window, the huge menus stretched out in front of us. I took a quick look and slammed the menu shut. “Blueberry pancakes. No brainer. Just don't tell my mom.”

Looking up from her open menu, Marissa asked, “Why not?”

“Let me guess,” Lainie said. “She thinks protein is a better way to start the day?”

“And the winning answer goes to the curly haired southern belle in the pink hoodie!” I said cheerily.

“That's why you should order a side of bacon with the pancakes,” Lainie said matter-of-factly.

“Another brilliant idea from Lainie.”

Just then, my cell phone rang and before I could remove it from the table, Marissa looked over. “It's Todd,” she said. “You can answer it. We won't be mad.”

“Speak for yourself,” snorted Lainie.

I turned off the ringer and tossed the phone in my gym bag. “That's OK. I'm busy with my peeps.”

Marissa nodded. “I suppose that's the way to go. Don't want to appear too available. You can call him back later.”

“Or not,” I muttered under my breath.

“Katherine told me he really likes you.”

“Of course she did,” I said.

“She's happy that she fixed him up with a nice girl. He's had some bad luck,” Marissa said.

“Haven't we all,” I said. “But no matter.” I glanced out the window and at the same time a lanky dark-haired guy, probably about 5′7″, sporting black jeans, a white T-shirt, and a sexy five o'clock shadow was peering in. Catching my eye, he smiled. Despite skin sans makeup and my unwashed hair being up in a bun, I felt endorphins from my earlier workout and smiled back. He motioned at me to come outside and when I shook my head and motioned for him to come inside instead, he disappeared out of sight. I assumed he continued to his original destination and giggled at Lainie when she gave me a high five for my flirting effort.

Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and standing over our table was the guy from outside, lugging a bag of CDs. Smiling brightly, he said in a British accent, “I told the waitress my
friends were already in the back. Mind if I join you?” Not waiting for an answer, he sat down in the booth next to Marissa and across from me and dropped his bag on the floor.

Marissa stared at him with her mouth opened while Lainie looked out the window and snickered. Non-flustered, I motioned to the bag and said, “What's with the CDs?”

He looked from me to the bag and, said, “Oh those? I was bringing them across the park to Westsider Records when I saw you and realized how hungry I was for…” Removing a piece of bacon from my plate, he smiled, took a bite and said, “Bacon.”

“So, buddy,” Lainie interrupted, “Got a name?”

Flashing her a surprisingly straight-toothed smile, he said, “Buddy will do.” Directing his gaze back at me, he said, “More importantly, what's yours?”

“Frances.” Ignoring the questioning looks from Marissa and Lainie, I said, “Frances Jane.”