A Symphony of Cicadas (11 page)

The cops swarmed the room, pouncing on us
without warning
since we were the on
ly
two people left in the house
.
“She needs help!” I screamed as they pried us apart
.
A large officer had his arms around me, hugging me from behind as I struggled against him with my kicking legs
.
I could see the officers pulling Jane to her feet, catching her as she fell over and carrying her from the room
.
I
had no choice but to stop
fighting, my strength no match against the determination of the officer who was restraining me, knowing that soon I would have my own troubles to deal with when they called my parents.
I never saw Jane again, as she didn’t come back the next fall.

* * * *

“So what’d you die from?  Overdose?” I asked Jane as she sat on the bed drinking in the image of me in my wedding gown
with amusement
.

“Naw, that shit was nothing compared to the cancer,” she said with a casual wave of her hand.

“Wait, what?  You had cancer?  When?”
I had heard rumors that Jane had passed away a few years after I’d last seen her, but no one knew anything
for certain
.
I’d always assumed she had died as a
result of her reckless lifestyle, so to hear that it was from something like cancer caught me off guard.

“I had it as a kid and beat it
.
But it came back in my
twentie
s, and this time it was a bitch
.
Apparent
ly
if it attaches itself to enough organs it becomes inoperable
.”
For a moment her body transformed to reveal the gaunt image of her former self, her bones pushing against skin that held no fat, her eyes hidden within the dark circles that surrounded them
, her stark scalp shining white underneath a few patches of wispy brown hair
.
But it on
ly
lasted a few seconds
.
Within the blink of an eye, her emaciated appearance
transformed back into the Jane I remembered
.
She wore her dark hair short, cut close to her head
in a pixie haircut that would have looked
masculine
on anyone but Jane
.
But for her, the cropped style on
ly
enhanced her petite features, revealing the wideness of her coffee eyes and the dramatic bone structure of her flush cheeks
.
The heavy makeup she wore in our college days was now replaced by
a
more natural
look
. As in life, she had chosen a more punk style
– a sharp contrast to
the wedding gown I was wearing
.
Her tight jeans were ripped at the thighs, and she wore a cropped
tank top underneath a black leather jacket that was adorned with small chains and buckles
.
Despite her rock-and-roll fashion
, s
he
had
a
captivating
radiance
I’d never seen on her before
– a warm appearance
that had
once
been hidden under a mask of constant intoxication and hard knocks
.

“So what’s the big occasion?  Getting ready for prom?” she joked.

“Funny
.
Actual
ly
, it’s my wedding day
.
At least I think it is
.
I just kind of appeared here when I was thinking about my wedding day, so
I’m guessing this is the day
.
And since I
couldn’t wear my dress in actual life, I might as well get to wear it now, right?” I studied my image in the mirror
, trying to ignore the look of disdain she was giving me
.

“
Are you for real?” Jane asked
.
“
Ok
ay
, first of all you need to get a handle on your traveling technique,”
she
sighed
in
exasperation
.
“You own the power to move where you want to go, not the other way around
.
You shouldn’t just be showing up places and not knowing where you’re at
.
Second, this is not your wedding day
.
You’re dead
.
Third, the sooner you move on from your former life, the better
.
Trust me on this.”

The memory of Aunt Rose in the forest burned through me, her warning ringing in my ears like a bell
.
I shook my head to rid myself of her image.

“I will,” I promised
.
“Soon
.
But give me a little time
.
All this is still so fresh, and I just need to stick around a bit more for closure.”

“Your closure, or theirs?” Jane asked
.
“Because last I checked, they’ve already lost you and are ful
ly
capable of coming to terms
with
your death without some ghost haunting them
.
And sticking around people you love who ignore your presence isn’t exact
ly
the recipe for getting over longing
.
I mean, isn’t that what bad relationships are made of?  Stalking someone who doesn’t want you around?”
It was hard to ignore her dripping sarcasm
.

“That’s not fair,” I told her
.
“They don’t know I’m here
.
But if they did, I think they’d want me to stay
.
I’m not haunting them, I’m just...” I paused, trying to come up with what I was doing
.
In all honesty, I didn’t know
.
Was I doing
this to provide them comfort?  Was I being selfish by hanging around?  Was I just being codependent on people I loved who had no idea I was even there?  What was I trying to accomplish by dressing in my wedding gown on the day that was supposed to be the happiest of my life,
a day that would
never
happen
because I was dead?

“You’re just being pathetic,” Jane said, finishing my sentence
.
I whipped around and
glared at
her.

“Maybe I am
.
But don’t I get that right?  Everything in my life was final
ly
perfect
, and now it’s all over before it even began
.
Can’t I be pathetic about it for at least a little while?  I just died, for
Christ’s sake
. I think I should get at least a little bit of empathy from you
.
After all, you weren’t exact
ly
the most brilliant being in your former life.” She smirked
at my attempt to shoot her down
, her eyes twinkling
as the insult left her ego unscathed
and
sailed
right
past her
.

“Fine
.
Wear the dumb dress
.
Let’s go see what your fami
ly
is up to
.
If it gets too dreary, maybe I can cause a few things to f
ly
around the air and liven things up,” she said laughing.

“You wouldn’t, would you?  Promise me you won’t?” I pleaded
.
This made her laugh even more, and I realized she was on
ly
joking.

“Rachel, they wouldn’t see anything even if I turned the room upside down
.
We’re in a whole different kind of world.”

I still didn’t understand this, knowing she was referring to the same truth Aunt Rose had lit upon when we were in the forest
.
But I didn’t want to distract her from accepting my
need to hang on to my former life for just a bit longer
.
So I gathered up my skirt and started for the door.

“Let’s go to the church,” I said as I walked out.

“Whatever you say, corpse bride,” she joked
.
I was ready to walk the whole way there, but she grabbed my elbow to stop me
.
“Honest
ly
Rachel, you need to stop acting like you’re human
.
Walking?  Real
ly
?”

It was going to take a while for me to get used to
my new reality
.
Feeling sheepish,
I smiled at her, and then closed my eyes in deep concentration
.
In my mind, I visualized the tall ceilings of the church, picturing the dark wood
support beams
that were in contrast
with the
white of the
walls
.
I could see the sunlight streaming through the colorful glass windows that showed the scenes leading up to the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ
.
In my mind the communion was all laid out on silver trays
sitting
on
white sheets
draped over the altar
.
I could almost smell the incense from the bronze thurible, the smoke wafting through
the
intricate design of the round metal censer.

And soon, I could.

I opened my eyes and we were there
.
The room was empty as Jane took a seat in the last pew and I made my way
with thoughtful steps
toward the front of the church
.
I couldn’t help but pretend that today was real, that there was
someone waiting for me at the end of the aisle
.
When I reached the front, I paused and then turned
.
No one stood
between me and
a large
statue of the Virgin Mary
at the side of the
apse
,
holding
up
her hand as if to comfort those who looked upon her.

An audible snort could be heard from the back pew, and I turned and glared at Jane.

“If you are this amused by something that is so not funny, maybe you should just go,” I spat out.

“No, no
.
Go on
.
I don’t want to miss the part where no one says you may kiss the bride
.”
She snorted again, not even covering her mouth as she burst into a fit of giggles
.
The look on my face must have shot daggers through her, because when she looked at me again she did her best to control her laughter
.
“I’m sorry
.
I’m being cruel
.
I’ll try to be better.”

Standing there at the front of an empty church with a dead addict judging my every move
opened my eyes at the absurdity of the whole scene
.
Why was I here?  To play one big game of pretend
?
Was I hoping
that my
death
would turn out to be
just a dream?
Was I
actually
so
deluded to
think if I wished hard enough, John would appear and we could live happily ever after?
 
I realized
I was avoiding reality with sil
ly
lies.

I sat on the front pew in both embarrassment and a feeling of confusion
.
I didn’t know where to go from here
.
The idea of moving on and letting my life go was terrifying to me
.
What would it say about my life if I just walked away from it?  Did it mean I loved John less than I thought I did?  Would it mean my life and Joey’s life meant nothing?

With a start,
I
became
aware
that someone was
making
their
way up the aisle
.
I turned to see who it was
, holding my
breath as John reached the front of the church and paused
.
In
an awkward motion, he genuflected while facing the altar, and then sat on
one of
the pews opposite me.