A Tragic Heart (18 page)

“Now Mason, I understand that infidelity played a huge factor in this unfortunate situation. Do you have anything to say about that yet?”

I can see the guilt and hurt on his face and I have to look away. Especially since I should have that same look on my face right about now; and for some reason, I don’t. Does this mean I’m not really sorry? Or am I just a great actress?

“I do, actually,” Mason says. “I know that it was a mistake, but it’s a mistake that I can’t take back or make up for. I keep promising Taylor that I will make up for it, but I know that I can’t and I think now is a good time to admit that. I have no excuse for it because there is no excuse for adultery.”

That makes me highly uncomfortable. That statement makes me realize that no matter how much I try, or no matter how much I
blame Mason for pushing me toward Peyton, I have no real excuse for committing adultery.

“I can blame it on the other girl for flirting with me, or being attractive,” Mason says. “I could even use the lame, old excuse about me being a man so I’m naturally weak. But in the end, it was me who made the decision. It was me who caused this. Sure she was attractive, but so is my wife—even more so, if you ask me. And sure, she did flirt; and yes, I am a man who is easily tempted; but none of those excuses are actually logical. None of them justifies what I did, and I know that now. I’ve actually known that for a while; I just didn’t want to admit it. And I’m sorry, Taylor. I really am.” He looks me straight in the eyes, and I see the sincerity in his heart.

My eyes fill with tears, but I don’t let one fall. I am a bad person and I sit here wondering how that could’ve happened in such a short time. I let Mason believe that he’s the only one to blame in this situation; in our marriage. I want to tell Mason that he’s forgiven; and that I slept with Peyton, so we’re pretty much even. I want to say so much to him, but I can’t find the correct words. “Mason, I’m so sorry. For everything,” is all I can say.

Kate says we’ve made quite a breakthrough for a first-time couple’s therapy session. But the only thing I felt break in that room was my heart.

Peyton

I
lie in bed, just looking up at the ceiling. She still loves him, and that bothers me. I know it shouldn’t because I’m
“
the other man
”
in this scenario, but I can’t shake the thought of her being torn between us. I want her to make a decision: him or me. I know it won’t be easy for her to decide because she practically built a family with him and I just stepped in during the middle of it all. I love her more than he does and that’s one thing that I’m certain of. I do not doubt that he does love her, but I know Mason and I know that he’s selfish. He loves her, but he loves himself more; and if he thinks keeping her around for now will keep him complete, he will say and do anything to please her. That is, until he’s finished with her and starts acting out again. I just don’t want to see her hurt or upset again. I want her to be happy with whatever decision she makes. Is it so bad that I’m hoping she chooses me?

I know that she wants me but I’m afraid that it may not be enough. She says that’s she’s in love with me, but she’s not proving it. I know I made up the rule that we shouldn’t kiss, touch, or flirt until she’s officially through with Mason, but I just feel she could do a little more. I don’t think she really wants to leave him. I feel as if I’m her backup plan if Mason disappoints her. I don’t fancy this feeling at all.

If she asks me to give it all up for her, I would in less than a heartbeat; but I feel she wouldn’t do the same for me. If she really loved me, she would. I want to find out; I have to find out…tonight. I look at the clock next to my bed. It reads 2:05 a.m. I’m going to call
her and ask her to come over right now. I know this may be a bogus way of testing her feelings for me, but I want to know if she feels enough to even consider doing it. I understand it may be unfair to her, but if Mason can be selfish and she still loves him, then I have every right to be selfish, too.

I pick up my cell phone and browse through my contact list until I reach her name. I stare at the phone for a while, pondering whether I really should do this or not. Should I really judge her feelings for me on something so small? Will I be just as bad as Mason if I act out of selfishness?

I stop the thinking for a while and just call her cell number. She doesn’t pick up the first time, so I try again. It rings exactly four times before she answers. She sounds tired, so I know I awakened her.

“Peyton, is everything okay?” is the first thing she asks.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Look, I’m sorry to wake you up…but do you think you can come over now?”

I know it must sound crazy to her, but I feel like I need her at this moment more than ever before.

“Hold on, Peyton.” I hear rustling in the background. “Sorry, I just had to leave the bedroom. I didn’t want to wake Mason up. Now, what is it that you want?”

“I want you to come over now,” I say, being as upfront as possible.

“Now? Peyton, it’s after two in the morning. We have school tomorrow!” she whispers.

“Yeah, I know, but I just really need to see you right now. Please.” I am practically begging.

She’s quiet for a short while. Then she says, “Peyton, it’s pouring outside.”

“Taylor, please.” This is the last time I’ll ask. If she doesn’t come, then I have my answer.

“Okay. I’ll be there soon,” she says, finally surrendering.

I don’t want to use her like this, but I can’t wait until later to see her. I need her now. It is 2:45 a.m. by time she reaches my apartment. She’s soaking wet and she’s never looked more beautiful. I let her in and just admire her for a few seconds. She must care;
she drove in the pouring rain to see me at two in the morning. That speaks words that I don’t need to actually hear.

“Peyton, are you okay?” she asks, taking off her jacket.

“You’re drenched.”

“Well, it is raining—pretty bad, if you ask me,” she says, taking off her shoes.

“Thank you, Taylor—for coming,” I say, as I watch her.

“You said you needed me—I had no choice.”

“You did—and you chose to come,” I say, correcting her.

“Peyton, what is this about?” she asks, confused.

“Take off your clothes—you’re soaked. I’ll give you a T-shirt and some shorts,” I say, walking toward my bedroom. She follows me.

“Peyton why did you need me?” she asked now worried.

“I just had to see you,” I say as I hand her some dry clothes.

“For what?” she says, taking them from me.

She took off her clothes in front of me. Perhaps this is a sign that she’s comfortable around me. Maybe it’s her way of trusting me; or even loving me. I watch her every move.

“Peyton!” she yells, snapping me out of my trance. “Why did you have to see me?”

She’s putting on the shirt and shorts that I gave her.

“The truth?” I ask.

“That would be nice,” she says, standing directly in front of me.

“I wanted to test you…to see if you love me enough, or even care enough to come over if I say I need you.”

She just stares at me for a while, and I can’t read her thoughts. Her expression changes, and suddenly she slaps me.

“What the hell, Taylor?” I yell, holding the left side of my face.

“You called me over here at two in the morning on a school night to test me? What the hell, Peyton?” she’s yelling at me, and I find it sexy.

“You asked me to give you the truth. I could’ve lied and made up a story,” I say calmly. “Besides, I wasn’t sure how you felt about me.”

“You weren’t sure how I felt about you?” she repeats. “Peyton, when I say I care about you and that I love you, I mean it! You shouldn’t have to test me—you should trust me!”

“Look, I know it was a little selfish but—”

“A
little
selfish, Peyton?” she says, cutting me off. “You’re damn right it was selfish! You made me drive in the pouring rain where I could’ve possibly gotten into an accident and died!”

She has a point. I didn’t think about those possibilities. I would kill myself if anything ever happened to Taylor; especially if it was because of me.

“Taylor, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking that you really didn’t care about me—that you were just using me as a plan B if Mason disappointed you again. I didn’t—”

She stops me again. “This has to do with you being jealous of Mason. Peyton, why do you feel like you need to compete with him?” she asks, yelling even louder.

“Maybe because he’s your husband, Taylor! I’m ‘the other guy,’ remember? The guy who only gets you sometimes; whenever Mason isn’t around. I have to sit and wait for you to leave him just so I can have you. And let’s be honest, there’s a huge chance that you won’t leave him!” I’m raising my voice now, too.

“Peyton, I said I’ll leave. And I always do what I say,” she says, her voice breaking. She’s tearing up.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into an argument, especially at two in the morning.

“Yeah, well, you said that right after Mason hit you. You’re a woman—how do I know that you didn’t just say that out of anger? That you didn’t just tell me you loved me because I told you first, and Mason just happened to screw up even more after that? How do I know that you’re not going to stay with him and forget about me? How do I know that? Huh, Taylor? How do I know?” I yell.

She starts crying and she looks angry.

“Because I’m here, Peyton! I’m right here with you at two in the morning and its pouring rain outside; and Mason is at home, alone, in bed and didn’t even know that I was leaving. That’s how you know, Peyton! I’m here with you! Not there with him!” she yells. “You asked me to come and I did. I’m
here
Peyton!”

I can’t respond to that. I just walk up to her and kiss her. She loves me, and it’s
almost
clear. I push her against the wall and
continue kissing her. We can’t get enough of each other. I stop kissing her and whisper in her ear, “Leave him.”

She starts kissing me again, completely ignoring what I said. I stop it for the second time.

“Taylor, leave him.”

“Peyton, don’t ruin this moment,” is all she says before she starts kissing me again.

I can’t let it go on.

“Taylor, why is it so hard?”

“It’s not that simple,” she says, not answering the question.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m married to him! Peyton, I can’t go through this with you right now. I can’t leave Mason right now because he’s trying, and we both know that streak won’t go on forever. Our time will come.”

“What if it doesn’t? What if he’s decided to try and he remains that way? Then what, Taylor?” I ask, backing away from her.

“Peyton, I’m leaving. In fact, I don’t think we should speak for a while. Maybe some time apart would be good for us right now,” she says, walking out of the room.

I follow her. “You just said that you loved me,” I say, watching as she puts on her jacket.

“And I do. But for some reason, you’re not seeing that and you are having a hard time with me taking so long. So I think it would be best if we don’t speak until I’ve left Mason for good. That way you won’t have to obsess over him anymore,” she says, calm and angry at the same time.

“Taylor, look, let’s just forget I said what I said and continue being friends—or whatever we are,” I say, trying to fix what I have just destroyed.

“Good-bye, Peyton.” She walks out the door.

She proved her love for me, but I was too stupid to see it. I wanted it all too fast and now I have nothing—until she decides it’s the right time to come back to me. I don’t know what’s worse: the torture of being without her, or knowing that I’m definitely going to still be here whenever she’s ready to return to me—even if it is fifteen years from now.

Mason

I
woke up to find Taylor gone. I thought maybe she went into the bathroom or something, until I noticed her closet door open. I know it was closed before we went to bed. I get up, wearing only my boxers, and look for her. She isn’t in the living room, kitchen, guest room, or in any other room, for that matter. I try calling her twice, but she doesn’t pick up. By four in the morning, I’m worried. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend her in some way? I come up with nothing.

Maybe she just needed some alone time and decided to go for a drive. But it’s pouring outside and I know that she hates the rain.

I can’t go back to sleep because Taylor is on mind. I can’t rest until I know she’s okay. I call her again, but like the other two times, there’s no answer. Right after I hang up the phone, I hear the front door close. I wait until she comes into the bedroom to confront her.

“Where were you?” I ask, slightly upset that she left without telling me.

“Mason, you should go back to sleep. You have to get up in about two hours,” she says, avoiding my question.

“So do you. That’s why I can’t understand what would make you get up and leave at this hour, in the pouring rain,” I shoot back.

She’s quiet for a while and puts on her shorts and a T-shirt before coming back to bed. She lies down next to me and then turns on her side to look at me.

“It was Peyton. He needed me for something, and since he’s my best friend, I thought it would only be right for me to go over there and see what he wanted.”

“At two in the morning?” I ask, making it very clear that I am displeased with the situation.

“Yeah—I know I should have told you that I was leaving, but I didn’t want to wake you up,” she says.

“I tried calling you. Why didn’t you call back to at least let me know you were okay?” I ask, still annoyed.

“Mason, I’m sorry. I was in the middle of talking to Peyton when you tried calling and I left right after. I forgot to call, and the last time you called, I was walking through the door,” she says—as if that was a good enough excuse.

“What was so important that he needed you to drive over at this time of the morning in the pouring rain?” I ask.

“He was just having some trouble coping with something. I just thought I should be there for him. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to sleep because I’m tired,” she says. Then she gives me a kiss on the lips.