A Tragic Heart (20 page)

“Mason hit you?” Kate asks in complete shock.

I’d forgotten that I never spoke of Mason’s physical abuse. The only one who knows about that besides Mason and me, is Peyton. Oh yeah, and Lauren.

“It was only twice—but that’s why I went over to Peyton’s apartment: out of anger. Or so I thought,” I say, wiping away my tears.

“Sweetie, it happened more than once. That’s the problem right there. I’m not justifying what you did with Peyton, but you were angry, like you said. You were acting out of character. Now, I don’t doubt that you forgave Mason, but there’s a part of you that is still angry with him. You think it’s okay now, because that’s what you are telling yourself, but that’s why you are so quick to say that you love Peyton more. Maybe you really do—I am not in your body; I can’t tell you what you feel—but you still resent Mason, and
he’s making it hard for you to resent him because of all of the nice gestures he’s been making lately. It’s making you feel guilty,” she says. Kate crosses her legs and tucks her short dark hair behind her ear. I never realized how pretty she is. She looks almost too young to be a therapist but maybe that’s why it’s so easy to talk to her.

“Let me ask you this,” she continues. “If Mason were to hit you again, would you go back to him, or would you leave for Peyton?”

I think about that question for a while. Would I go back to Mason, or would I run straight into Peyton’s arms? I know the answer.

“Peyton. It would be Peyton, because it has always been Peyton,” I finally admit.

“Well then, I think you know what you have to do, Taylor. You have to tell Mason and you shouldn’t wait any longer. He’s put you through terrible things, and it’s time to let him know your feelings. He’s let you know his feelings, and you forgave him. Maybe he can forgive you also. He will be angry; that’s only natural. But there’s no way out of this situation until you tell him the truth. Even though he was wrong for a lot of things, he doesn’t deserve to be led on. You have to tell him, Taylor.”

She is telling me what I already know, but hearing it from someone else only confirms it.

“I know,” I say softly. “I just don’t know how to tell him.”

“How about tomorrow in our session? That way, I will be here with you, and hopefully that will make it less scary,” she says in the sweetest voice.

I think about it. That would make everything easier. That way, if Mason gets too angry and tries to hit me, she’s here to stop him. This is it. I’m going to agree to it. Tomorrow will be the day that I tell the man with whom I once wanted to spend the rest of my life that I’m in love with his cousin. I mustn’t be afraid, because after all, according to Shakespeare, “
Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once
.”

I would like to only die once—just in case Mason does decide to kill me.

***

Last night, when I went home to Mason, I treated him like a king. I gave him a massage, cooked for him, and told him that I loved him more than a thousand times. It was kind of like giving a prisoner his last meal before he’s executed. That’s what it felt like I was doing to Mason. It felt like I was preparing to execute him.

In school today, whenever we got the chance, we cuddled up together. That has never been my style, but I feel like Mason deserves this last dose of PDA. I saw Peyton and got the chance to tell him privately that today is the day I will break the news to Mason. He feels guilty; I could see it on his face.
None of us thought it would end this way
. None of us thought this would ever happen. At least, I know I didn’t.

I know what it feels like to be heartbroken; to have someone you love let you down; to hate someone you once loved. I know the feeling all too well. That’s why I know there will be no easy way to do this. I never intended to make anyone feel the pain that I once felt. I would rather die than to see Mason go through that same pain. I feel like a murderer. I am going to kill Mason in all ways but physically.

During lunch, I have to run out of the cafeteria and into the bathroom. I throw up. I’m sure it’s due to stress. Just the thought of what I have to do is torturing me. I feel less than human. I’m not worthy of being looked at or loved. I have ruined Peyton and Mason forever. They will never be friends like they were before. I just broke up a family.
I am a horrible person
. I cry until the end of the period in the bathroom stall. I can’t live with myself. I didn’t know this is how bad someone feels after they cheat. I wonder if this is how Mason felt when he cheated. But then again, Mason didn’t cheat on me with Kristen. He cheated with a stranger; not my sister or cousin.

I can’t pay attention in my next class. I actually haven’t been able to pay attention all day. I wonder if Mason will ever forgive me. I wonder if he will ever look at me again. Today I am going to end the world that Mason and I know. I am going to shatter it into oblivion. It will be lost forever. Mason and I will be just a memory. It hasn’t even been a full year, but it feels like I am losing someone I’ve known my entire life. It is reminiscent of the feeling I had when
I lost Tyler. I am going to break again; I feel it. I love Mason and he will always have a piece of my heart; but I know that won’t be enough to save us. We’ve been over for some time now. There’s a part of me that wishes I never met him, but then I wouldn’t have any of the memories worth remembering. I want him to know that I didn’t mean it. It wasn’t an accident, but I didn’t mean to do it. I never wanted him to get hurt; I never wanted to hurt.

School is over, and I am now counting down the time until our therapy session. I feel nauseous again. I can’t control it; I am shaking. I see Peyton getting into his car in the parking lot. He tries to smile at me, but I can tell he can’t bring himself to smile. He is just as worried as I am. He is losing his best friend to gain the love of his life. I wonder if he wonders if it’s even worth it anymore. I guess the old saying is true.
When you gain something, you lose something else
.

I get into the car and wait for Mason. When he finally arrives, he kisses me on the cheek, and I want to fall apart. That will be the last time Mason kisses me out of love. My soul is dying, just thinking about the pain I am going to put him through. The only good thing that will come out of this is that at least I know I still have a conscience. I’m not a pure monster. At least, that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing this to play the role of the protagonist again. But some part of me already knows that once you play the villain, that’s all you will ever be known as. I am a bad person and I know it. I can only blame myself this time.

I am quiet the entire time Mason and I are at home. I know he notices the unusual silence, but he doesn’t ask about it. I’m relieved about that. My heart hurts more than ever when I see the clock reach seven. An hour from now, Mason will hate me and he will feel a pain he didn’t even know was possible to feel. He will be angry with Peyton and me and he may never forgive us. His parents will know everything and they will probably hate me, too. They won’t disown Peyton, because they aren’t the type to turn their back on family; but they will refuse to look at him the way they once did.

There is nothing I can think of that will make me feel any better. I try to remind myself that I am finally going to be with Peyton; the one I truly love. But the thought of Peyton only brings me back to Mason and how badly he is going to hurt. Before I know it, it is 7:30 and Mason and I are on our way to see Kate. It is only a matter of time.
Mason, I love you and I never meant to hurt you
.

***

We sit in Kate’s office, and I can tell she knows that I am nervous. I tap my fingers against the chair, and my legs shake. My body language is way off normal and unfortunately, it is telling on me.

“Are you okay?” Mason asks me.

I look at Kate with a face that asks for help. I think she catches the hint, judging by her first question.

“Taylor, is there something you would like to say? To me or to Mason?” she asks with a sorrowful look on her face.

She knows what is coming, and I don’t think even she is prepared for it. I can tell she is afraid for me. I love that Kate will show her emotions; unlike other therapists. I take a deep breath. “There is something I would like to say—to Mason,” I say, taking another deep breath.

He turns to look at me with those gorgeous, green eyes and that perfect face.

“What is it Taylor?” he asks, curious and worried.

I look him in the eyes. I grab his hand for support and as a gesture that I still care. I see the worry on his face. This is killing me.

“Mason, you know that I love you—I love you so much.” I’m beginning to scare him; I see it on his face. My eyes become a waterfall, but I continue speaking. “And what I want you to know is that I will always care about you.” My voice cracks.

“Taylor, what’s wrong?” he asks, his voice beginning to break.

“Mason, I’m so sorry. I’ve been blaming you for so long, but you weren’t the only one wrong in this relationship. I’ve done so many things that were wrong and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me the way I forgave you—but if you don’t, then I understand. I understand completely.”

“Taylor, what are you saying? What are you trying to say?” he asks, knowing I am going to say something to him that will change him forever.

“I never wanted to hurt you—I never intended for you to feel any pain. I know the feeling you are about to feel. But you may feel it even worse than I did, and for that I am sorry…I know sorry won’t fix anything…especially now…but I’m going to say it because there’s not much else I can say…I take full responsibility for my actions and for my decision. I don’t blame you for any of it…and I don’t want you to blame yourself. Mason, you are a great person, who is going to make a difference in someone’s life…I know that because you have already created a difference in me—you changed my life for the better. I was lost before I got to know you and I will always love you for that…But Mason, I can’t do this anymore…I can’t keep living this way and lying to you—lying to myself.” I say this with my heart breaking into pieces and falling to the pit of my stomach.

“Just tell me, Taylor----
please just tell me
,” Mason says, holding my hand tighter as his eyes fill up with tears.

I pause for a significant amount of time and then I say it.

“I slept with Peyton.”

He lets go of my hands.

“Mason—”

He cuts me off. “Don’t.” That’s all he says before he gets up and walks out of the room.

I look at Kate, but her expression tells me nothing.

“Do I go after him?” I ask through my tears.

“That’s your call,” Kate says, still with no expression on her face.

I stand up with the little strength I have and follow Mason. I find him down the hall, leaning his back against the wall, looking down at the floor. I am hesitant to go up to him, but I have to. I slowly touch his shoulder, and to my surprise, he hugs me and cries.

“Mason, I am so sorry…I really am…I don’t want you to hurt…I want you to be happy,” I say softly as I cry with him.

There is no way of breaking this off cleanly. It is going to end messily, no matter how I handle it. He doesn’t say a word; he just hugs me tighter and cries softly. He’s hurting worse than I imagined
he would; I can feel it in his heartbeat. After all, I’m still married to him, so it is easy for me to feel his pain.

***

I go back into Kate’s office alone to tell her we’re leaving, while Mason waits in the car. She says okay and wishes us both luck. I walk back to the car and sit on the passenger side. The entire drive home is silent. He keeps his eyes on the road, and I face the window. By the time we get home, we are drained and at a loss for words. That is, until Mason finally speaks. “I knew it…I just denied it…but I knew it,” he says in a broken voice.

“Mason, I didn’t mean to—”

“Hurt me. I know you didn’t, Taylor.
I know you didn’t
,” he is much calmer than I expected.

“It’s okay to be mad at me. You can even yell, if you want,” I say, sitting down and looking at him. Truthfully, yelling would make me feel better.

“I know. But I don’t want to yell…I want to work this out.”

That statement took me for a loop.

“Mason, we can be friends, if you want. But we can’t be together anymore. I’m going to say something that you may hate me for, but I love you—I just love Peyton more.”

There it is, the truth unveiling its ugly face. We sit in silence for a minute or two.

“So there’s no chance of putting us back together again?” he asks, still calm but broken.

“No. Mason, we’re done. We have been for a while now,” I respond just as calmly and just as broken.

“Okay. Just know that we can’t be friends—ever. I love you too much…And as for Peyton, he’s dead to me,” he says, staring at the floor.

“I’m leaving tonight. I won’t stay here because it’ll be too weird,” I say. “I’ll be back this weekend to get the rest of my things—you can work on the divorce papers, if you’d like.”

I can’t believe it’s happening like this. I stand up. I pack some clothes and my necessities, along with a few important wants.
Mason sits in the living room the entire time. I’m finally leaving, but it doesn’t feel right. I guess that’s to be expected.

“I’m sorry Mason, I really am.”

“I’ll be okay,” he says.

I hope he will, I think as I close the door behind me. I admire the contrast of his jet-black hair against his white skin and the way it complements his piercing, green eyes. The only thing I can’t admire is his smile, the perfect teeth and the dimples that once made me fall in love with him. Before driving off to Peyton’s, I sit in the car and cry; I can feel Mason doing the same. Mason and I are officially a memory. I just can’t tell if it is a bad one or a good one.
Maybe it’s both
.

***

I ring Peyton’s doorbell, and he answers to see me with blood-red eyes. He knows what’s wrong, so he just grabs my bags and lets me in without saying a word. After he puts my bags down, I just hug him and cry in his arms. He holds me but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I just murdered my past life and have to build a new one the same day. I can’t hold myself up anymore, so Peyton picks me up and lays me on the bed. He lies next to me as I cry Mason out of my system. We didn’t even make it a year, yet it feels like I’m giving up a lifetime of dreams. About an hour later, I finally stop crying. I just lie there lifelessly, staring at Peyton.