A Walk in Heaven (10 page)

“He was a good man.
Better than me.”

She turned those wide, watery eyes on him again. “I wish I understood why God took him from me so soon. Just as I found the man of my dreams, he was snatched from my arms. Did you know we had just left the church when he was shot?”

Shock hit Joshua square in the chest, contorting his insides.
Right after the wedding?
He shook his head. He’d been avoiding details like this…shirking the true pain of Matthew’s death.

“I had his blood on my wedding dress.” Her voice cracked. “I don’t know how many times I replayed that in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently – or even
if
I could have done something different.”

Visions of blood spattered on white lace flashed through Joshua’s mind. He shuddered.

“Forgive me,” Careen said quickly. “I’m upsetting you.”

“
It’s
fine, Careen.” He waved of her concerns. “And don’t apologize. We all mourn in different ways, so don’t feel bad about showing your pain. We are all grieving with you. Don’t forget that. We loved him, and miss him, too.”

She nodded. “It’s hard to show my feelings when I grew up with people who thought it a weakness to show such vulnerability in front of others.”

“Not here. The
Graysons
believe that if you don’t show your heart to others – you probably don’t have one.”

He turned to leave, needing some space and time to gather his thoughts, but she grabbed his arm.

“Thank you, Joshua.”

He nodded. “I’ll collect your other things, but why don’t you look through Matthew’s room. Maybe you’ll get to know him better that way.”

She smiled sweetly. “Yes, I’ll do that. Thank you, again.”

He quit the room, giving himself a mental shake.
What just happened?
He really wasn’t sure, but after that…
conversation
with Careen, the picture he’d painted of a scheming mail-order bride no longer resembled her.

Time… That’s all he needed.
A little time to come to grips with Matthew’s death and remind himself that not all women were like Emma.

* * * *

Bathed and dressed in a fresh gown, Careen left her room in search of Mrs. Grayson. Careen had rummaged through Matthew’s things; even pulled out his clothes and imagined him wearing them. Her stomach twisted in knots as guilt consumed her, and she knew she had to leave. She must do something to keep her mind off her dead husband.

She found Mrs. Grayson in the front yard with Joshua’s daughters, their laughter carried in the afternoon breeze as their grandmother pushed them on a two-seat swing tied to the large oak tree.

Careen strolled down the porch steps, closer to the joyous threesome. When the twins noticed her, they waved as their blue eyes gleamed.

“Hello, Aunt Careen,” they chimed together.

Elizabeth turned her head and smiled. “I’m glad you found your way out of Matthew’s bedroom.”

Chuckling, Careen walked closer to them and stopped by the tree. She felt so happy here with these people. So accepted and loved unconditionally – well, except from Joshua. How long this feeling of acceptance would last, she did not know, but she’d take as much as she could and enjoy it. “Yes, I thought it best I get out and mingle with my new family.”

One of the twins stopped the swing with her foot then jumped off and ran to Careen. The adorable little girl took Careen’s hand. “Come here.” She tugged, pointing toward the side of the house.

Elizabeth laughed. “I think Jessica wants to show you the new baby carriage her Pa made for her.”

The little girl nodded; her blonde curls bounced around her head.

“All right.”
Careen grinned and let Jessica lead the way. Frances and Elizabeth followed. Along the corner of the porch, blankets had been tied to boards and nails, constructed like a tent.
Next to the makeshift hut stood a baby carriage with a rag doll inside.

Careen gasped and knelt beside the toy, recalling her childhood. Her parents had spoiled her with toys, but never had she been given a carriage so beautifully crafted. Her father hadn’t worked a lot with wood, either.

The handle was curved just perfectly for a girl’s small hands, and the wheel brackets were also made with polished wood. The carriage bed itself was made of fine wicker, dark brown to match the wood. Four spoke-wheels all the same size held up the toy that appeared as regal as any wealthy woman’s baby carriage. A fancy umbrella opened up over the top to bring shade.

“This is beautiful, Jessica.”

Frances tugged on Careen’s other arm and pointed to a cradle. “That’s mine.”

Just like her sister’s toy, the wood was beautifully carved. Pine was the casing for this cradle, and the boxed bed perched on a swing-type stand. Hearts were carved into the wood at the top of the bed, and white and yellow painted flowers along the sides.

Joshua’s love for his daughters showed through his talent. “This is so very lovely, Frances.” Careen met Elizabeth’s gaze. “Joshua is very talented.”

“Yes, he is.” Elizabeth beamed. “During the winter months, he makes things like this and sells them to people in town as Christmas gifts.”

Careen ran her fingers across the smooth wood of the carriage again. “I never had anything so precious when I was little.” She winked at Frances. “You and Jessica are very lucky to have such a loving Pa.”

They giggled and picked up their dolls, cuddling them against their chests. Now she could see the difference in the twins. Jessica’s face was a little thinner, and Frances had a small dimple in her right cheek when she smiled. They were both so adorable, Careen wanted to take them in her arms and cuddle them, knowing she’d never get tired of it. It made her long for children of her own.

Nostalgic memories of her home in Charleston settled inside her once again. Since she’d left South Carolina, she’d felt lost. After coming to this ranch, she’d begun to feel like she may actually have a new home here.
A place where she could experience love, and laughter.
Although she wanted to embrace the new emotion, she didn’t dare. Happiness didn’t stay in her life for very long.

She stood and faced her mother-in-law. “So, what can I do to help clean the room I almost burned down?”

Elizabeth chuckled. “Oh, dearie, don’t worry yourself. My hired girls, Martha and Jane, are doing that right now. Even your maid, Betsy, is with them.”

“Well what can I do to help you out? I feel like I need to do something to keep myself busy.”

“Is there something you’d like to learn? Something I could teach you?”

“Actually, yes.”
Heat crept to Careen’s cheeks. “Besides lessons in building fires, I think I’ll need a lot of teaching in other things. I grew up with servants who did everything for me. I know I won’t be able to have servants all my life, so I’ll need to know how to do things myself.”

“Very true.”
Elizabeth linked her arm through Careen’s again. “You are a very wise woman, my dear. Although we enjoy being waited on, the truth of the matter is,
women
need to
know
how to be a good wife. Not every girl is fortunate enough to marry a wealthy man.” Elizabeth led the way toward the house. “Do you know when I met
William,
he was as poor as a church mouse.
Maybe poorer.
In fact, I think the rats fed us for a while.”

Careen laughed.

“We didn’t have anything when we first married,” Elizabeth continued her story. “William worked at a lumber yard for years just to earn enough money to purchase a piece of land for us to live. The little money we had left over was hardly enough to build a two room hut.”

“Was that this land?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t as much as we have now. William went into business with Wilbur Jones who bordered our land, and they decided to raise cattle. After another five years, the business blossomed, but Wilbur’s health was poor, and he died soon afterwards. He was widowed with no children, so all his land went to us. From that point, William bought more land for our ranch, and that’s what you see here.” She motioned toward the fields.

“Mr. Jones had no other relatives?”

“Well, he had a brother who had his own family and they lived up north, but since Wilbur willed the property to William upon his death, the land went to my husband.”

“How very interesting.”

“My point is
,
if I didn’t know how to clean or cook, we would have never made it once our boys started arriving.”

Careen stopped and gazed into Elizabeth’s eyes. “That reminds me, will you help me make a widow’s black dress for my mourning period? I feel
it’s
right that I grieve the proper way.”

Elizabeth nodded as tears filled her eyes. “Yes, I’ll help you make the dresses.”

“That would be wonderful.”

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. Elizabeth kept Careen busy as they made black dresses, which was what she wanted. She was eager to learn new things. Once in a while Frances and Jessica interrupted by jabbering about something. They spoke well for their age, yet when they got excited; it was hard to understand them. Careen loved the time she spent with the girls, only because she soon came to realize how affectionate the twins were. They gave her unconditional love, much the same way Elizabeth had. Never in Careen’s life had anyone shown her this kind of affection.

Although Careen was spoiled as a child, her parents rarely gave her hugs and kisses. When she went to live with Aunt Charlotte and Luther, they weren’t very warm-hearted people, either. Luther only became bothersome this past year, and then Careen couldn’t get him to stop putting his arm around her or kissing her cheek.

Now, being with the very loving Grayson family, Careen could see what she’d been missing. After spending time with these people, why would she want to go back to her old life? Plain and simple she’d found a new home – one she loved – and she prayed God would let her stay.

Then again, once the family discovered what Luther had done, they’d send Careen back to Iowa. Inwardly, her heart broke. Would happiness ever be part of her life?

Dinnertime came quickly, and Careen was pleased with herself for helping with the meal. Elizabeth’s cook did most of the work, but Careen assisted with slicing vegetables, and stirring the soup. Elizabeth even let her knead the bread.

The whole family gathered around the long table, and William offered a prayer. Careen tried not to smile when he thanked the Lord once again for allowing Careen to come to their family. It made her heart warm to know they were so loving and kind.

As the dishes of food were passed around, Joshua’s gaze kept straying to her. She hoped he’d soon get used to her so they could become friends. After all, Matthew would have wanted that. Yet this time when he studied her, his eyes weren’t shooting out fires of hatred. He now had a different expression. This one she couldn’t read very well – and made her extremely uncomfortable because she couldn’t read his thoughts. At least when he glared, she surmised what he was thinking.

Peter and Gage took over the conversation and discussed the upcoming cattle drive. By their excited expressions – as were the faces of the other’s around the table – she received the impression this was the highlight of the season. Even Frances and Jessica joined in the conversation, talking as if they looked forward to the drive.

Out of the corner of Careen’s eyes, she noticed Peter studying her. For some reason he directed his storytelling toward her. Joshua was being quiet, but then she was used to that.

“What do you think,
Careen
?” Peter asked.

She’d just lifted a forkful of potatoes to her mouth, but quickly lowered it to her plate. All eyes were upon her. Apparently, she hadn’t listened to the conversation close enough because she didn’t know how to answer. “You want my opinion on the cattle drive?”