A Walk in Heaven (22 page)

They sat in silence.
Except for Joshua.
He paced the floor, wanting to let out his frustration, but not knowing how. As a young boy, his mother had taught him that anytime he needed the Lord’s comforting hand, to pray or sing a hymn. Since Emma’s death, Joshua had questioned the Lord quite a bit, but His help was needed now, and Joshua must believe. Suddenly, he knew what to do to bring relief – if only just a small amount.

Clearing his throat, he thought of his favorite hymn,
Amazing Grace.
He’d always enjoyed singing in the choir in church before he married Emma, and since his marriage he hadn’t gotten the chance. He closed his eyes and remembered the words, singing with his heart. Soon voices from his father and brothers joined in until the room filled with love.

Joshua’s chest wrenched, yet emotion built inside him. He’d felt the Lord’s comfort before, and he could certainly feel it now. Tears gathered in his eyes, yet he continued to sing with all of his heart.

One song led into another song, until the men had sung for an hour straight. Joshua’s throat hurt, and his body grew weary, but he continued.

Soon the parlor door opened and his ma stood inside the room. Her expression withered as her eyes watered.

Agony washed over Joshua. No! Careen couldn’t be dead!

William quickly stood and rushed to his wife, taking her in his arms. “How is she?”

Elizabeth studied her husband’s face and smiled with shaky lips. “We heard your singing up in her room. The Lord was with us, I know it.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “Careen’s fever finally broke, and she’s doing much better.”

The men cheered, hugged, and gave praise to the Lord. Joshua cried with happiness as he hugged his parents. He
had
felt the Lord’s comfort – a feeling he’d always cherish. Joshua now prayed the Lord would help him forgive Careen for lying to him. Hopefully within time he’d be able to trust her once again.

But he must forgive her. A Bible verse he’d remembered from his childhood returned to his mind.
Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of
thine
heart may be forgiven thee.
This verse told Joshua his heart was not right in the sight of the Lord, and that was something only Joshua could change.

This would be one of those tests the Lord saw fit to put Joshua through. Question was – would he pass this time?

Careen had never been so sick in her life.

She adjusted on her bed, grimacing from the aches her body experienced. Her mother-in-law had told her these
kind
of pains were to be expected and would eventually disappear. Careen couldn’t wait for that day. Hurting like this made her so weak. But at least she didn’t cough as much now.

Amazingly, Elizabeth’s poultices worked well, for which Careen was thankful. But her mother-in-law said it was God’s help that made Careen’s fever break. Both Elizabeth and Betsy talked about the men’s heavenly voices lifted in song during the time Careen’s fever had escalated out of control. She wished she could have remembered. She’d give anything to hear that now.

Her bedroom door opened and Betsy bustled in, carrying a tray of food. When the maid’s eyes rested on Careen, a smile spread across the girl’s face.

“You’re awake.”

Nodding, Careen folded the blankets around her a little more.
“Yes, just barely.
I declare, I cannot stay awake for very long before sleeps claims my time once again.”

“That’s to be expected,” Betsy said cheerfully as she set the tray down on the small table beside the bed. “We are just thankful you are on the mend. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the
Graysons
in such a dither and worried so much as when they were fretting about you.”

“But you must remember, Betsy, we haven’t been here very long. I’m certain they fret like that over any of their family members.”

Betsy’s smile widened. “Yes, which means they hold you in that regard. Isn’t it wonderful? That means they’ve accepted you.”

Heartache crept back in Careen’s body, souring her mood. The
Graysons
felt this way now, but would soon think differently when she told them the truth.

“Here, let’s sit you up so I can feed you lunch.” Betsy helped Careen to sit up in bed, stuffing more pillows behind her to keep her propped.

Already Careen wished she could gain her strength back. Having other people care for her as if she were an invalid made her frustrated.

Being weak wasn’t the only thing knocking down her spirits; it was that Joshua knew the truth now. And just as she’d expected – he hated her. She’d wanted to die a few times knowing he would never love her again. Why would he? She was the reason his brother died. Soon, the whole family would hate her.

“Mrs. Grayson made some delicious beef stew.” Betsy picked up the bowl. “I’ve not tasted anything so scrumptious in my life.”

She dipped the spoon in the stew and carefully lifted it to Careen’s mouth. Feeling like a weak kitten, she allowed her maid to feed her.

After swallowing the mouthful, she asked, “What has the family been doing lately?”

“Well, Mr. Grayson, Joshua and Gage are gone most of the time. The snow is nearly gone and there is a lot for them to do on the ranch.” She lifted another spoonful to Careen’s mouth. “Peter still gets in his mother’s way, which is quite comical at times, if I must say.” She giggled. “But he is getting around the house quite well, I believe. The twins caught an injured bird the other day and brought it in the house. Mrs. Grayson was such a kind woman and explained they couldn’t keep it as a pet.”

Careen laughed. She missed seeing those adorable girls and playing with them.

“Although, that Frances is a crafty one.
She took the bird to her room and hid it in a box. Mrs. Grayson caught on quickly to her granddaughter’s secret, and reasoned with Frances to let the bird go.” A soft smile bracketed Betsy’s face. “Do you know what Frances’ excuse was for caring for the bird?”

“No, what?”

“Because she wanted to make it better like her grandmother was making you better.”

Tears stung Careen’s eyes. She’d grown to love this family in the short weeks she’d been here. It would tear her apart when she and Betsy would have to leave. Her days here were limited, because once she had gained her strength, she
would
tell them the truth.

“How…” Careen paused, wondering how to ask the next question. “How has Joshua been acting lately?”

Betsy shoveled another spoonful of stew in Careen’s mouth. “He’s such an odd man. I can never figure him out from one day to the next.
 
He acted so upset when you were first sick, but when you nearly died, it was as if his whole attitude changed.” She giggled. “I think he’s sweet on you.”

Careen managed a weak smile. Joshua
had been
sweet on her. He wasn’t any longer. “I must admit, Joshua has been very attentive to me lately.”

“The only times I see him anymore are early in the morning as he’s leaving to work on the ranch, and late in the evenings when he returns.” She shrugged. “But really, his father and brother are busy with the ranch, as well.”

Careen finished the stew, and took the linen napkin from Betsy to wipe her lips. She coughed, but could actually feel the looseness in her chest. The fact she could breathe easier also let her know she was on the mend.

Betsy picked up the tray and walked to the door. Just as she opened it, Peter hobbled inside with his crutch. Folded underneath his arm, he carried a newspaper.

He gave Careen a cheerful smile. “Are you up for some company?”

“Certainly.”

He walked better, and she was relieved to see one of them healing nicely. “How is your leg?” she asked.

“I think I’m almost ready to get back to work. I can manage without my crutch a little more now, and although I can’t yet ride a horse, there is still a lot I can do around the ranch.”

She gave him a weak smile. “Thank the Lord.”

He sat beside her and patted her arm. “You’re next to recover, you know. Soon you won’t even remember coughing.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I thought you’d like me to read you the newspaper.” He held it up. “When we live on the ranch and rarely venture out, it’s good to have news from the outside world.”

“I agree. I remember during the war, we waited on bated breath for the newspaper, mainly to see who had been killed.”

Peter frowned. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

“Me, too.”
She nodded toward the paper. “But please, read to me.”

As he read, she stared at him and listened to his voice. If she’d close her eyes, she’d think Joshua was sitting by her instead. Although Peter resembled Matthew in appearance, he sounded more like the oldest brother.

Nothing exciting happened in Montana, she noted, just ranchers getting ready for the summer and their cattle drives. Peter reached a section in the paper that sounded more like a gossip column than actual news. She grinned. This was a lot like the newspaper in Charleston.

When Peter read a name she recognized, she blinked and became more alert. Why was Miss
Checketts
in the paper? The more Peter read
,
the more Careen wanted to roll her eyes. Miss
Checketts
was in charge of a few charities in the community, and the mayor’s daughter was having a charity ball in two weeks.

Peter stopped and met Careen’s eyes. “I hope you feel better by then so you can go with us.”

“Us?”

“Yes. Laura has these charity balls once a year, and everyone attends.”

Careen forced a laugh. “Why would I want to go when I cannot dance?”

“Why can’t you?”

“Peter, have you forgotten I’m in mourning? Although I’m wearing my white night clothes, I usually dress in a black gown.”

His cheeks darkened with embarrassment. “Forgive me. That had slipped my mind. But I think you can still attend. After all, it’s for charity. You won’t have to dance, but you can still visit with the other ladies like you did at the Parry’s barn raising.”

Careen pulled up the blankets a little more as she adjusted her position. “So tell me, Peter, how well do you know Miss
Checketts
?”

“I know her well enough, I suppose. In school, she stared with dreamy eyes at Joshua all the time, but she was friends with us all.”

“What did Joshua think of her in school?”

“He didn’t think anything, if I recall, except maybe she was a nuisance. She was a shy sort of girl, and he never encouraged her infatuation, but she followed him around and spied on him constantly.” He chuckled. “I had wondered if my big brother would ever tell her to leave him alone, but he was never mean. Perhaps he should have been, because she made me nervous just watching her
follow
Joshua around.”

“Did he have feelings for another girl – his wife perhaps? Is that why he didn’t find Miss
Checketts
interesting?” Careen realized Joshua didn’t talk about his wife, and suddenly Careen was eager to know everything about the woman who married Joshua.

“Not that I know about. Emma didn’t go to school with us. She lived in a different town.”

“Emma?”

“Yes, that’s Josh’s wife.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “So how did Emma and Joshua meet if she didn’t live around here?”

“Pa knew her father. Their marriage wasn’t really considered arranged, but it’s what her parents wanted. Josh had always been obedient, so he didn’t protest marrying her.”

“Do you think he loved her?”

“I don’t think he loved her at first, but I’m sure they grew to love each other.” Peter shrugged. “But I think Josh will do it differently with the next wife.”

She arched a brow. “He’s going to remarry?”

“Of course.
He hasn’t talked about it, but we all know he’ll remarry.
Those girls of his need a mother – and my brother needs
a good wife who can keep him in line.” He laughed. “And if Laura
Checketts
has her way, she’ll be Josh’s next wife.”

Tightness gathered in Careen’s throat that had nothing to do with her sickness. She didn’t want to imagine
that woman
being the mother to Jessica and Frances, and especially being married to Joshua. Careen wanted to be the woman in his arms and who the twins called Mother.

Bringing her thoughts to a quick stop, she inwardly groaned. She couldn’t have such dreams. She couldn’t allow herself to become so attached to them. And, she was certain Joshua hated her now, so her dreams could never become reality.

Careen swallowed the lump of regret in her throat. “Well, whomever Joshua marries, I hope his daughters will be happy. They deserve a good mother.”

“You are a good, caring woman to think about the twins like that.” Peter smiled and caressed her cheek.

For days now, she’d noticed the extra kindness Peter had been giving her, and that spark of interest in his eyes when he looked upon her. She wanted to withdraw from his touch, but didn’t want her feelings for him to be too noticeable. She really did love Peter, just not the way he wanted.

She grasped his hand and moved it away from her face. “You are also a very caring man, Peter. I’ve enjoyed your company, but I think I need to get up and move around to gain my strength. Would you find Betsy and have her come help me dress?”

“Of course.”
He squeezed her fingers then stood and limped out of the room.

Within an hour, Careen was dressed and being helped downstairs by her maid and Elizabeth to sit in the parlor by the window and enjoy the sun’s rays. Elizabeth placed a blanket over Careen’s legs to help keep her warm. Still exhausted from her sickness, she didn’t have much strength to do anything but peer out the window. Even reading a book sounded too tiresome right now, yet she didn’t want to just sit and stare, especially with the thoughts that had been on her mind lately.