A Walk in Heaven (19 page)

He’d tried to love his wife, but it was a struggle because she never showed any love. Then he’d discovered she’d held secrets from him – things that would help him understand why she acted in such a way. One lie turned into two, then more, until he couldn’t believe a word that came from her mouth. A few days before Emma
died,
Laura had told him about his wife’s mentally insane uncle. Laura mentioned to him that Emma had wondered if she had this disease as well. Joshua wished she would have shared the bit of information with him because maybe he could have helped her – or found her help. When she died, he mourned more for the fact that his daughters wouldn’t remember their mother than him losing a wife.

He still feared his daughters would someday become like their mother, but seeing their happy faces and knowing they loved life, it helped ease his worry.

Careen groaned in her sleep and shifted ever so slightly in his arms but didn’t wake. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. A foreign feeling grew inside his chest, confusing him more. He still held doubts about Careen, but right now he wanted to trust her. He wanted to be happy once and for all.

It wasn’t until realizing Careen could have frozen to death in the blizzard, when Joshua started thinking about his life for the first time. Life was meant to be lived to the fullest – and embraced with both arms. There were no guarantees in life. Matthew’s death taught Joshua that. His brother hadn’t known he’d die, and he followed his heart. Matthew had definitely lived his life to the fullest.

It was hard not to think about the arguments that tore Joshua and his brother apart as young men. Matthew always seemed to recover from their disagreements, and went on with his life making it the best he could. Joshua needed to learn from his brother’s example – to
live
his life without any regrets.

Never had Joshua wanted anything Matthew had.
Until now.
But Matthew wasn’t here any longer, and Joshua couldn’t deny the desires growing inside his heart since meeting Careen.

Dare he think of her as a lifelong companion?
A mother for his daughters – one like they’d never had before?
And a woman to finally love that he could give his whole heart to? Fright of the unknown controlled his thoughts, and deep inside, he still suspected she held secrets from him like Emma had. Until that was all out in the open, how could he fully give her his heart?

Regardless, he felt he must. Life was short, and he wanted to feel the happiness his brother had.

The morning sun peeked through the curtains. He needed to see how much snow was on the ground and if there was a chance they could return home today.

Carefully, he shifted Careen on the cot and slid away from her. He lifted a blanket over her body to keep her warm in his absence. As he studied her lovely face, his heart wrenched, remembering what she’d gone through on her wedding day. How could any woman go through what she had and still have faith in God? But Careen had, and his respect for her grew.

He brushed his fingertips along her cheek and over her lips. Kissing her had been wonderful.
Magical.
Very sweet and unforgettable.

Joshua stood and shook out the kinks in his legs, arms. He stretched his neck before moving to the window. The snow still fell, but not as heavily. A good four inches lay on the ground.
Normal for about this time of year.

He could probably take Careen home, yet for some reason he wanted to spend more time with her to get to know her better. Staying at the cabin was the only way he could accomplish this without the interruptions from his curious brothers and parents.

Joshua shook his head. Then again, he was being selfish. His family was probably worried about him, and especially
Careen
. Joshua needed to get them back home as soon as possible.

Scrubbing his hands over his face, he walked to the cupboard for more jerky. Although he was in the mood for pancakes, there
wasn’t
enough ingredients to make that or the proper stove to cook them on. He still couldn’t figure out why most of the food had been depleted. In fact, the way the stove had looked last night, he received the impression somebody had been staying here, frequently. He’d have to ask his brothers if they knew anything.

As he chewed on his jerky and gazed out the window, Careen’s voice carried through the small room. Joshua glanced her way and listened closer. From her sobs and the high-pitch tone in her voice, he could tell she was having a bad dream.

She tossed and turned on the cot, so he knelt on the floor and gathered her in his arms to calm her. Her eyes were closed, but she struggled against him, pressing her palms against his chest.

“No. Get away from me.”

“
Shh
… Sweetheart, it’s only a dream.”

“No, don’t.” Her body jerked. “Luther…
don’t…
kill him!”

Doubt snuck in his mind and he glanced down at her.
Luther?
Who was that?

“Matthew!” she screamed then bolted up straight, her eyes wide with fright.

“Careen,” Joshua hushed as she stroked her hair, encouraging her back into his arms. “It was just a nightmare. I’m here and I’ll protect you.” Her body trembled this time, but she willingly snuggled against him. “Are you all right?”

“I…I had another dream about that day.”

“Yes, I’d gathered that, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead.

“Oh, Joshua.
Will I ever stop remembering Matthew’s horrible death?”

“Probably not, but my family and I will be here to help you through it.” He withdrew enough to lift her chin until she met his eyes.
“Honey, who is Luther?”

Her face paled, making her eyes appear hollow. “Lu...Luther? I said that name?”

“Yes. Who is he?”

Panic filled her expression, making Joshua more curious…and concerned. His heart hammered with uncertainly, and he wondered if he wanted to know who this other man was or not. More importantly, how this Luther person was involved with Matthew and Careen?

Careen’s head pounded, and her stomach twisted. Why had she mumbled Luther’s name? Joshua could never know about her cousin. Her body shook with fear, the dream still very real to her. But it wasn’t a dream. Everything had happened, and Matthew was really dead.

“Sweetheart?”
Joshua’s voice wavered. “Who is Luther?”

“Oh, Joshua.”
She covered her face with her hands and turned away from him. “Please leave me alone. I can’t think. I don’t want to think about that day anymore.” She lay back on the cot, facing away from him.

“Careen?” Joshua’s hand caressed her hair. “Please tell me. I want to know why this man upsets you so much.”

“It’s nothing. Please don’t ask.”

Silence lasted a few minutes before Joshua lifted the blanket back over her and walked to the potbelly stove.

“I’m going outside for more firewood,” Joshua said before the door squeaked open and close.

Tears threatened to fill her eyes again, but she willed them away. She could not let Joshua see how much her cousin’s name bothered her. Somehow, some way, she must put Joshua at ease. She didn’t need him suspicious, especially now.

Although, if she gave him a hint to the kind of person her cousin was, perhaps Joshua would understand. Silently, she prayed that’s what would happen. Eventually, she’d have to tell his family the truth, so easing the information about her cousin may just be the very key to keep them from blaming her.

As her body relaxed, she recalled the tender way Joshua had comforted her last night, stroked her hair and caressed her back. He’d held her in his strong arms all night and shared in her grief. They’d become closer, and she didn’t want anything to ruin that.

But she had ruined it by saying Luther’s name. How was she going to make Joshua forget about it now and trust her again?

The door opened. She peeked over her shoulder to see him bring in an armful of wood, kicking the door closed with his boot. As he knelt in front of the stove and shoved in more pieces of wood, she slowly turned on her side to watch.

Running her fingers through her hair, she tried untangling the knots. Now she wished she had kept her hair in the ponytail. On weary legs, she stood and slowly walked toward him. Joshua had his back to her. He had a piece of food in one hand while stirring the fire with the poker with his other hand. His stiff body told her of his mood. Of course he was upset! No doubt she confused him when she called out her cousin’s name.

She crouched beside him and touched his shoulder. He jumped and spun around, holding the pieces of wood. Sawdust decorated his shirt.

Smiling, she brushed off his shirt. “How does the storm look today?”

“Better than last night.”

His clipped answer let her know of his irritation. It hurt to see him this way. She wanted him back the way he was last night, understanding and cuddly.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” he asked, imploring her with his eyes.

Her heart twisted again, knowing she was the reason he was so confused. “Yes, I will. I just had a very bad night…week…month actually.” She shrugged. “It’s hard to forget about everything.”

He brushed the sawdust off his hands,
then
captured her hands in his. “Careen, please talk to me. Please tell me everything.”

Gazing deep into his brilliant blue – and very dreamy – eyes, she nodded. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Who is Luther?”

She took a deep breath and stepped away from him and to the window. “Luther is my cousin.”

“Why did you call out his name in your dream? In fact, you told Luther not to
kill him
.”

She leaned her back against the wall, folded her arms and stared at the floor. “When my parents died, I was sent to live with my father’s brother, his wife and their son in Iowa. I’d only met them a few times while growing up, and when I went to live with them permanently, I dreaded every moment. Although my aunt and uncle are sweet people, their son is the devil himself, I swear it. Luther is a few years older than I and has wanted for nothing. His parents gave him everything he asked for, and when I came along, he made my life a living hell.” She shivered and her stomach churned. “Luther is a ruthless person and doesn’t take no for an answer. Unfortunately, he had set his mind on making me as his bride.”

Joshua arched an eyebrow. “What was Luther’s motivation?”

She lifted her gaze to Joshua. “I will get a large inheritance when I marry. My family’s plantation and the land surrounding it come with my inheritance. Luther believes he can do a lot with that piece of land. This reason alone is why he wants me for his wife. He’s why I put an ad in the newspaper for a mail-order-bride. I wanted to get away from my cousin. Matthew was my rescuer when he agreed to marry me.” She shrugged. “I think Luther was in my dreams because he still worries me. You know how dreams can become mixed-up with reality?”

Joshua nodded. “That makes sense.”

“In my dream, I relived my wedding day, but when Matthew and I walked out of the church, Luther was in my dream with a gun in his hand.” She shivered again.

Joshua moved to her and gathered her in his arms. The tenderness in his eyes made her want to cry all over again. “Does Luther know where you are now? Do you think he knows your husband is dead?”

“I hope he doesn’t know where I am.” She shook her head. “Besides that, the last I’d heard, he was in jail.”

“What about your inheritance? Have you received it yet?”

“No. I never wrote to Aunt Charlotte and told her. I had more important things on my mind like taking my dead husband to his family.”

“That’s understandable.” He swept his hand over her hair. “Could you go through a lawyer to get your inheritance, instead?”

“That’s a splendid idea.”

Joshua stared into her eyes for the longest time without saying a word. Careen didn’t dare say anything, hoping he wasn’t trying to find a hole in her story.

Finally his expression relaxed and he smiled. “You don’t need the inheritance.”

She gasped. “I certainly do. How will I live?
Especially now?”

“You’ll stay here at the ranch. We are your family now.”

Her heart burst with happiness, making her want to weep all over again. But her conscience wouldn’t allow the joy, if even for a brief moment. Although he said this now, he may change his mind once she told his family who really killed Matthew. “Oh, Joshua, you’re too kind. But I can’t do that to you and your family. I need to make my own way in life.”

“No, sweetheart.
You’re not thinking clearly—”

“Joshua, please.” She placed her finger on his lips. “No more talk of this. I’m hungry and I have a headache.”

He nodded and pulled her closer to brush his lips across her forehead. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

He dropped his mouth to her lips, keeping her from saying anymore. At this point, her heart won the argument with her conscience, telling her mind she
needed
his kisses. She craved this affection, only because she didn’t know how long she’d have the pleasure in her life.

With a groan, she wrapped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss, sliding her lips in perfect rhythm with his. His warm breath mingled with hers; his teeth gentle scraping her tongue as he deepened the kiss. Explosions of delight burst inside her body as she fit herself closer against him.

He tasted like heaven – so pleasurable and glorious. For a fleeting moment, she wondered how she’d gotten so lucky to find a man like him. Pausing in thought, she remembered she’d felt that way about Matthew and look where that landed him.
Six feet under.

Thinking herself lucky was not healthy at all. It didn’t matter if Joshua was a wonderful man, she could not give her heart to him. Too many problems complicated her life and it wasn’t fair to burden Joshua or his family with her trouble.

She broke the kiss and laid her head on his chest so he wouldn’t have to see the sudden sorrow flowing inside her. “Is it time to eat yet? I’m starved.”

Chuckling, he released her and
strolled
the cupboard. “Let’s see, we have jerky, jerky, or—”

“More jerky?” she finished for him.

“Well, I was going to say apples.”

She managed a smile. Watching him softened her heart, and brought happiness to her soul. Quickly, she halted her thoughts.
Oh, dear! I think I’m in love with Joshua!

* * * *

Joshua held tight to
Careen
as she rode on his lap all the way back home. The snow drifted from the gray clouds lightly this afternoon, and visibility could be seen for several feet in front of him, so he knew they’d make it back without freezing to death. He should have let Careen sit behind him, but he enjoyed the closeness, and this way he could bury his face in her neck and breathe in her flowery scent whenever he wanted. Once they arrived at the house, all this cuddling would end. It was too soon to tell his family he was falling in love with Careen. They were all still in mourning, and falling in love so quickly was unheard of.

Guilt overrode his happiness. If he announced his feelings for Careen now, scandal would come upon his family. He couldn’t put them through that.

He didn’t want to tell Careen of his feelings, either. She needed time to grieve for Matthew, and Joshua would give her that space. He just hoped she was falling in love with him. She’d be a wonderful mother to his daughters, and he knew his daughters would be thrilled to welcome Careen into their family if she accepted his proposal of marriage.

Ever since she told him of her cousin, Joshua had the overwhelming urge to protect her. Strange, but he’d felt that way since meeting her, and had fought those feelings. He hadn’t known her then like he knew her now, and he vowed he couldn’t let anyone hurt her. It relieved Joshua to know her cousin was in jail. Nobody should live in fear like Careen had done.

She snuggled to him as she wrapped the blanket tighter around her shoulders. He grinned. She was so adorable, even when she wasn’t trying to be.

“Sweetheart, we’re almost home.”

She lifted her face to him. “We are?”

“Yes.”

She glanced ahead of them. “I can’t see the house yet.”

“It’s because of the falling snow, but
believe
me, we’re almost there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ridden in a snowstorm and always found my way home.”

“Then why didn’t you take us home last night?”

“Because you were frozen stiff.
I worried you’d get sick. You needed to be by a fire to thaw.”

She nodded. “You’re such a clever man.”

He chuckled. “And don’t you be forgetting that, sweetheart.” He pulled the horse to a stop before the house came into view.

“Why did we stop?”

“Because I want to kiss you one more time.”
He rubbed her cold cheek. “Once we reach home, I won’t be able to kiss you for a while.”

Heat scalded on her cheeks. “Joshua, you shouldn’t say such things.”

“Being with you makes me want to.” He touched his finger to her nose. “Because you’re in mourning, I think it best if we keep our feelings secret. Don’t you?”

“Joshua, really.
You mustn’t think this way. We can’t keep doing this.”