A Walk in Heaven (23 page)

Without knowing how it happened – and not
wanting
it to happen – she’d fallen in love with Joshua. Now she prayed for a way to reverse her feelings. Joshua had come to care deeply for her before he’d received the letter from South Dakota. From his anger she’d experienced the other day, she now knew differently. She tried to convince herself it was for the best, but then why did her heart continue to ache?

A one-horse buggy pulled up in front of the house, bringing Careen out of her despairing thoughts. She leaned closer to the window to see who had
come
visiting. When she recognized the two ladies stepping down from the vehicle, Careen’s heart dropped. Now was not a good time to visit with Miss
Checketts
or Miss Jones. One carried a basket and the other carried a crocheted shawl draped over her arm.

Careen didn’t want to witness the way the mayor’s daughter flirted with Joshua, and especially the way he flirted back. Careen couldn’t take that right now. She wanted to return to her room, but rushing was not an option and would only make her start coughing again.

She remained in the chair until the ladies knocked at the door and were shown inside. Elizabeth’s voice lifted in enthusiasm when she talked, and within minutes, the three walked into parlor. Careen smiled her best under the duress circumstances.

Miss
Checketts
was the first to move toward Careen. Gone was the basket on her arm.

“We heard you were sick, Careen. I hope you don’t mind that we came to visit you.”

“How very thoughtful,” Careen said, trying not to be rude, especially in front of
Elizabeth.
The older woman was such a great example with her giving and kind heart.

Miss Jones held out the crocheted shawl. “This is for you. I had pneumonia once, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I hope this keeps you toasty warm.”

Careen held out the shawl to admire the croqueted stitched.
“Oh, how lovely.
Thank you so much, Miss Jones.”

“Please call me Natalie.” She smiled.

Careen nodded and wrapped the shawl around her shoulders. Elizabeth asked their visitors to sit on the couch. Immediately, Miss
Checketts
opened the conversation with news about her charity ball – the same one Peter had read about in the newspaper.

As she listened to Miss
Checketts
, Careen realized why the mayor’s daughter did this every year. Apparently, the orphanage nearby was in dire need of funds. The way Laura spoke of the helpless children tugged at Careen’s heart, making her want to help.
If only I had my inheritance and could give a little.
It made Careen a little suspicious to why Laura would want to help an orphanage yet she wouldn’t take the time to get to know Joshua’s twins. Then again, Careen figured she was over-thinking once again in her life, since she tended to over-think quite a bit.

Betsy walked into the parlor just then carrying a tray of drinks. Laura stood and helped Careen’s servant.

“Careen,” Laura said, “this is my mother’s special blend of apple tea and honey. It will make you feel ten times better, I promise.” She handed Careen the cup of warm tea.

“It sounds delicious.” She took a sniff.
“And smells heavenly.”

As she sipped her drink, the others chatted about the guest list, and how much money Laura thought they’d bring in. From out in the hallway, the front door opened and closed as heavy boots stepped on the hardwood floor. Her heart quickened. Strange to think she knew the rhythm of that man’s walk by now.

Joshua entered the parlor, removing his dusty hat. Immediately, his gaze rested on Laura,
then
quickly moved to Natalie. “Good morning, ladies.”

Laura spun around and faced him, her eyes glowing. “Joshua. What a surprise it is to see you.”

Chuckling, Joshua moved closer to the mayor’s daughter, and not once did he look at Careen. Heaviness grew in her heart. She really didn’t want him to love her, yet she certainly didn’t want him to have feelings for another woman, either.

“Why should it be a surprise, Laura?” he asked. “After all, I live here.”

Laura giggled as her freckled cheeks filled with color. “I know that, silly. I just thought you’d be busy preparing for your cattle drive.”

“The whole ranch is getting ready for it, but we still have a few more weeks before that happens.”

“Really?”
Laura clasped her hands and rested them on her lap. “So will you be able to attend the charity ball I’m giving in ten days?”

“Well, I don’t know –”

“Oh, please, Mr. Grayson,” Natalie added with a plea. “The ball won’t be the same without your delightful presence.”

Joshua’s chest shook with his deep laughter. Tingles raced up Careen’s arms from his baritone voice, and she wished she didn’t respond to him in such a manner.

“What a flatterer you are, Miss Jones,” he said.

“Natalie is right,” Laura added as she stood, walked to his side and laid her hand on his arm. “You must come, Joshua. Many people in the community admire you, and if they know you’re coming, they’ll certainly attend as well.”

Careen studied the way Joshua’s gaze met the mayor’s daughter, charming the woman with his knee-buckling grin. Inward, Careen boiled with jealousy. How she wanted to jump out of her chair and run to the couple, separating them the best she could.

Closing her eyes, she rubbed her forehead. A headache grew worse the longer their visitors stayed. And it nearly killed her to see Joshua so sweet on the other women. Silently she prayed that the pain in her heart would disappear quickly.

“Joshua, dear,” Elizabeth said. “You mustn’t disappoint these lovely ladies. You can still attend the function and give yourself a few days to rest before the cattle drive.”

Careen hung on Joshua’s hesitation, keeping her eyes on him.

He exhaled a rush of air from his mouth and ran his fingers through his hair. “I suppose I’ll have to come now. I can’t disappoint two lovely ladies
and
my mother.”

Elizabeth, Laura, and Natalie cheered with enthusiasm. “Thank you, Joshua,” Laura said in a sultry voice as she stared into his eyes. He gave her a crooked smile.

“Well, now that we have that settled,” Natalie said as she stood, “I think we should leave.” She glanced at Careen. “I fear if we stay any longer, we’ll wear out our welcome.”

Careen didn’t have the energy to laugh, but she managed a weak smile.

“Allow me to walk you to the door.” Joshua held out his elbow and each woman hooked her hand around one.

Giggles from Laura and Natalie made Careen want to groan aloud. As soon as they walked outside, Elizabeth released a heavy sigh and smiled.

“Wasn’t that a pleasant visit?” the older woman asked.

“It was nice of them to bring the special tea and crocheted shawl,” Careen answered.

“You know, I’ve always liked the mayor’s daughter. She was such a shy girl in school, and she’s overcome her shyness quite a bit, which is good. I’ve noticed she still stares dreamily at Joshua, though.”

“Yes, I also noticed that.” Careen fisted her hands in the shawl, hoping the tension didn’t show on her face as well.

“I think Joshua needs to start searching for a wife, and if he’s smart, he’ll think about that young woman.” Elizabeth nodded toward the window.

Careen wanted to argue, but didn’t have the energy. She would not point out Laura’s flaws to her mother-in-law like she did to Joshua. But as long as Joshua knew Laura wasn’t the right woman… Careen’s thoughts stopped as she scrunched her forehead. If Joshua knew Laura wouldn’t make a good mother for the twins, why was he flirting with her? He was flirting, wasn’t he? Or was Careen just being overly sensitive right now?

“Yes, I agree Joshua needs to find a mother for his daughters.” Careen couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“You know,” Elizabeth stood and walked to the window. “I think Miss Jones is sweet on Joshua as well. I wonder if he’ll consider courting her.”

“We’ll have to ask him, won’t we?”

Elizabeth kept quiet as she watched. Soon, she gasped and a wide smile took over her face.
“Oh, my.
I can’t believe what I just saw.” She placed her hand on her chest and leaned closer to the window. “The Lord be praised, but miracles
do
happen.” The older woman spun around and looked at Careen. “Joshua just kissed Miss Jones’ knuckles when he bid her goodbye. Perhaps he is indeed thinking as we are.”

Heaviness settled in Careen’s chest, feeling very much like the ailment she was recovering from. Yet this weight wasn’t any part of the pneumonia she had. Apparently, the news Joshua had discovered from Pierre’s sheriff was enough to harden his heart against Careen. Joshua was finally giving up on her and wooing another woman.

Why couldn’t Careen feel as joyous as her mother-in-law? Instead, she wanted to curl into a ball and cry like an infant over her loss.

Joshua came back into the parlor, his face aglow. He glanced at Careen, but then aimed his attention at Elizabeth. His mother ran to him and grasped his hands.

“Forgive me, son, but I saw you kiss Miss Jones’ knuckles a few minutes ago. Is there something you’d like to tell me now?”

Chapter Thirteen

Joshua really wished Careen wasn’t in the room. Then again, he couldn’t ignore her forever. He must come to terms with his heart. Did he want to trust her again? Ignoring the love he had for her couldn’t be done. The only issue he had was trying to forgive and forget.

After his mother’s comment, the light vanished in Careen’s eyes – what little light had been there, anyway. However, his mother’s expression was exactly opposite. The giddiness shown in the older woman’s face as color bloomed on her skin.

“Oh, do tell. What did you say to Miss Jones?” his mother asked.

“I didn’t ask her anything, Ma. She actually did the asking.”

His mother’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Miss Jones invited me to have lunch with her and her parents. She said her parents issued the invitation. She was just the messenger.”

His mother squealed and threw her arms around Joshua, hugging him tight.
“Oh, my dear boy.
I’m so happy.” She kissed his cheek the pulled back. “I think you’re doing the right thing.”

“Ma, quit acting like I’m courting her. It’s nothing of the sort.”

“You may not be courting her – yet – but it’s a start. And a single man of your age should start searching for a proper wife.”

He stole another glance at Careen. She held a shaky smile, but he could tell it was forced. Even her eyes were a little misty. Obviously, she still held feelings for him and didn’t approve of his lunch with the Jones’.

His mother pulled away and looked at Careen. “My dear, I need to go get dinner started. Will you be all right here in the parlor?”

Careen nodded. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.”

Elizabeth walked to her daughter-in-law and patted her cheek. “I believe you have overdone it today. The color in your face has disappeared. Perhaps we should get you back to your room.” She turned and met Joshua’s gaze. “Josh, you wouldn’t mind helping Careen upstairs would you?”

Joshua shook his head.
“Not at all.”

“Thank you, my dear.” Even though she spoke to him, she kept her eyes on Careen as she kissed her head. “I’ll come up to see you later.”

“All right.”
Careen nodded.

Joshua remained silent until his mother left the room,
then
he released a pent-up breath and took hesitant steps toward Careen. He really didn’t want to see her discouraged expression, but he had no choice this time. She watched him until he stood right in front of her.

“Would you like me to carry you upstairs?”

Her eyes widened as if surprised at his question, then her gaze narrowed as her eyebrows furrowed in sadness.
“Of course not.
I can walk by myself.”

She pushed him aside as she struggled to stand. He allowed her stubbornness and willingness to prove to him she didn’t need him, until she took her first step and nearly collapsed on the floor. Quickly, he wrapped his arms around her.

“Yes, Careen. You’ve definitely shown me how you can do this by yourself.”

She flashed him a scowl and pushed at him again, but this time he wouldn’t budge.

“Let me go, Joshua.”

“Not until I get you to your room.” He
swooped
her in his arms, marched out of the room and up the stairs. She was quiet and didn’t struggle, and he felt the urge to look at her, but kept his eyes ahead of him. He didn’t want to see the sadness in her eyes. If that happened, guilt would consume him again. Yet he didn’t have anything to feel guilty for.
She
was the one who lied to him!

It was hard to believe he’d held her so gently and enjoyed kissing her not more than a week ago. Now with her in his arms again, his conscious struggled with his heart, but he could
not
give in and become weak-minded again. What she did was wrong and although he still loved her, he couldn’t easily forget.

Once he reached her room and walked inside, he set her down, but didn’t release her until she gained her footing.

“Thank you,” she muttered.

He waited until she crawled onto the bed before turning to leave. Just before he reached the door, she called his name. The despair in her voice wrung his heart,
Stopping
, he closed his eyes, not wanting to turn and look at her.

“Before you leave, I do need one more thing,” she said softly.

“What?”

“I would like to finish our conversation about the day Matthew was killed.”

Her voice cracked and Joshua balled his hands into fists, willing himself to remain calm. He didn’t think he’d be able to speak without showing his hurt over her lie. “Are you sure you’re up to it?”

“Yes.”

Silence stretched in the room. Finally, he knew he must say something if only just to release the built-up emotion inside him. Saying a silent prayer for strength, he turned and faced her. She hugged a pillow to her chest as her eyelashes spiked with tears. His first reaction was to rush to her, take her in his arms and comfort, but he stopped himself before he went with his impulses.

“Fine.
Tell me what happened that day.” He swallowed, adding moisture to his suddenly dry throat. “And this time, I want the absolute truth.”

Careen nodded as tears swam in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Joshua. I didn’t want you – or anyone in your family – to know what really happened. Not yet.”

“Why?”

“Because it was
my
fault Matthew died.”

Anger coursed through him faster. “Well, I think it’s time you told me everything.”

She nodded and wiped the tears. “I honestly believed getting away from my cousin was the right choice to make, which was why I advertised myself as a mail-order-bride. I sneaked away in the middle of the night with my servant, and we met Matthew in South Dakota. I didn’t think Luther knew where we’d gone, and I still don’t know how he tracked me down.” She reached to the side of the bed and picked up her handkerchief and wiped her nose. “I had no clue I’d placed Matthew in danger. But when we walked out of the church, he was shot down in cold blood. Your brother couldn’t have even protected himself.” She wiped her leaky eyes again. “Within moments, Luther stood beside me, urging me to go with him back to Iowa. He told me he wanted to marry me. I resisted, but he grabbed me and pulled me with him. I couldn’t tear away from him. His grip was too strong. He blamed me for Matthew’s death, telling me that if I hadn’t married him, he’d still be alive. Thankfully, before Luther could carry out his threat, the sheriff and his deputies arrested Luther. They had a witness who saw Luther shoot Matthew.”

She reached for the cup of water on the bed stand, took a sip before continuing. “Once they locked Luther in jail, I knew I had to make arrangements to get Matthew’s body back to his family. I also needed to tell you all what had really happened, even though I was afraid to say anything. I feared you would all blame me as I had blamed myself. Nonetheless, telling your family what really happened was something I had to do. I’d prepared myself, but when the opportunity came, I couldn’t do it. Your family misunderstood and blamed a stray bullet for Matthew’s death. When I realized your mother had a weak heart, I knew I couldn’t say anything yet.”

Another tear slid down her face and she dabbed it with the handkerchief. “I convinced myself that because Luther hadn’t been convicted of his crime – since I hadn’t heard about the trial yet – that it was all right to let your family continue to believe a stray bullet had killed Matthew. All I was waiting for was to hear Luther had his trial and then I was going to tell your family. I swear it, Joshua. You must believe me.”

Joshua’s heart wrenched. A mixture of confusion and hurt ran through him. He wanted to blame her, yet he felt compelled to believe her. His heart
told
him to believe. He walked closer to the bed and sat on the chair. “You honestly think
you’re
to blame for Matthew’s death?”

“Yes.” She held the pillow tighter to her chest. “Don’t you see? I am the one responsible. I shouldn’t have married Matthew in the first place. I’d known what a vicious, vindictive person my cousin was. I should have realized he’d stop at nothing to get my inheritance.”

“Did Matthew know about Luther?”

“No, but only because I didn’t have time to tell him.
I’d planned on telling him, really I did.”

“Do you think Luther knows where you are now?”

She shrugged. “He knows, but it doesn’t matter. He’s locked up in jail, awaiting his trial.”

Joshua sighed and folded his arms. Apparently she didn’t know her cousin had escaped. The news would upset her, Joshua was certain. “The letter I received from the sheriff of Pierre mentioned Luther had broken out of jail.”

She gasped and sat up straight. “Oh, please…tell me it’s not true.”

“I’m afraid it is. The sheriff also mentioned there were several counties involved in trying to locate him, but as of yet, they haven’t been successful.”

She scrubbed her hands over her face,
then
moved off the bed. “I have to leave.
Today.
By staying here, I’m putting you all in danger.”

She moved past him, but he jumped to his feet and grabbed her shoulders.
“Whoa, little lady.
You’re not going anywhere.”

“I can’t stay here, Joshua.” She clutched the front of his shirt. “Don’t you understand? He’ll find me! He’ll kill anyone who stands in his way – just like he did Matthew.”

“Now let’s talk about this before you go getting so upset you relapse and become sicker.” He carefully pushed her back on the edge of the bed and sat beside her. “I know you think leaving will solve the problem, but you’re forgetting one important piece of the puzzle.”

“What is that?”

“You’re a Grayson now. We protect our own.” Joshua smiled. “When he comes to Virginia City and asks after your welfare, it’s going to spark an interest in the community. We have many friends out there and they will let us know when a stranger comes to town asking about our new sister-in-law.”

She grasped his hands. “I pray you’re right, Joshua.”

“Not only that, but many of Ma’s friends are gossipmongers. We’ll for certain hear about it if a strange man starts asking questions.”

“I will tell your parents the truth tomorrow. I don’t have the strength today.”

“No, Careen. You were right about Ma’s heart. She wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of news yet. And it is wise to wait and hear about Luther’s trial first.”

Sighing heavily, she shook her head. “But he’s not in jail now.”

“I know, but I still think we should wait. I’ll let my pa and brothers know, and together we will find your cousin and put a stop to him.”

She rested her face against his hands, laying her forehead on his knuckles. She cried quietly, her body shaking with each deep breath. It took all of his strength not to stroke her hair and assure her everything would be all right. Watching her agony was his agony as well, and his heart softened with her every sob.

“Joshua, please forgive me for lying.” She raised her head and pleaded with watery eyes. “I didn’t want Matthew’s family to hate me for his death. I…still don’t want that.”

“But you didn’t pull the trigger, Careen.”

“I know, but if I hadn’t met him in Pierre, he’d still be alive today.”

The guilt she must be feeling – blaming herself when it really wasn’t her fault. It crushed him to think he’d once accused her of his brother’s death as well. Now he shared her pain, her heartache, and her guilt. He knew firsthand how miserable it was to hold something
inside,
thinking nobody else could understand the burden. She needed him, just as he needed her.