Abide with Me (19 page)

After he had poured them each a glass of wine the waiter asked if they were going to have dinner.

“What do you think?” Jared said as he looked over the menu. Raymond did the same. After a few seconds they both looked at the waiter and said, “Let me have the salmon.”

Raymond and Jared looked at each other and smiled. The waiter quizzed, “Are you two brothers?”

“Sorta,” Raymond said as he lifted his wineglass toward Jared, who lifted his in response. When they toasted their friendship, all that could be heard was the sound of the glasses clicking. As the sound echoed slightly around them, both Jared and Raymond felt that in the company of the other, all was right with the world.

On his second night in New York, Raymond couldn’t sleep. As he lay on top of the crisp, cold white sheets of his king-sized bed, his mind raced faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Raymond’s body felt numb, tension knotted his stomach. He felt an extraordinary mix of anger, anxiety, and envy. He was angry that he had fallen in love with a man who cheated on him, that Trent was the best he could do when it came to lovers. Anxiety that he might not have any other choice but to leave Trent. He felt envy at his little brother and Jared, who didn’t have to suffer such betrayal.

After almost a decade’s absence, those “I wish I wasn’t gay” feelings had returned. And his heart plummeted when he felt that because he was gay, love would always be a temporary thing.

Raymond’s eyes moved from the television, where a muted episode of
Seinfeld
was playing, to the marble-topped nightstand where hotel personnel had set up bottles of spring water and chocolates. He couldn’t decide if he should turn off or turn up the classical music playing on the tiny clock radio located on the left side of the bed.

It had been almost five days since he and Trent had spoken to each other. This lapse in communication had never happened since they had moved in together three years ago. Over the last few days they had
left messages, but Raymond was avoiding Trent and had not called him back in South Africa. Raymond had left a few messages on Trent’s personal telephone line telling him he was doing fine and had enjoyed the time with his family. Trent’s messages were full of excitement as he described South Africa and ended each call with “I miss you and I love you.” Raymond didn’t really know if he missed Trent, and in many ways, he was relieved that business had separated them.

Raymond felt even more sadness because he was alone with grief. During times like these, he hated being alone and missed Kyle more than ever. Kyle would have understood and made him laugh about it. He could hear Kyle saying something like, “Chirl, men ain’t good for nuthin’ but slanging dick and some of them can’t even do that right. Move on.” But now there was no one Raymond felt he could tell. There was no one to understand his pain. He wanted to tell Jared or his mother but wondered how they would feel later if he decided to stay with Trent.

Then Raymond felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe he had done something to deserve an unfaithful lover. Maybe he had spent too much time at the office or with his students. But Trent maintained long hours as well. He tried to think of someone he had mistreated. For a few minutes Raymond couldn’t think of anyone. The women he had lied to about his sexuality had forgiven him, or so he thought. Nicole said as much, whenever the subject came up.

Then Basil came into focus. His image was strong and vivid, like he was standing in the room, staring at Raymond with a lustful gaze. But Raymond hadn’t mistreated Basil. Sure, he had treated him with a certain indifference, but he hadn’t been mean. Raymond rationalized that his treatment of Basil was to protect himself. He was so proud of himself for not falling in love with Basil during their brief affair. Raymond knew that when Basil set his mind on someone, he was dangerous to
any
relationship.

Raymond’s thoughts turned to Larry Pratt, an attractive law student
from Fresno, California. They had shared a meal and a flirtatious relationship for a few months. The two of them would talk about the law and sports, and then trade stories about being in the life. Nothing ever happened sexually. Once, when Larry made an advance, Raymond rejected him sweetly by telling him he could never get involved with a student, even one he wasn’t teaching. But Raymond did find himself attracted to Larry and he had thought of him a couple of times while making love to Trent. Larry’s flirting made Raymond feel young and sexy in a bad-boy way. When Trent and Raymond moved to Seattle, they had agreed to a monogamous relationship, but that didn’t include fantasies. As long as these fantasies weren’t acted upon.

After an hour of such thoughts, Raymond glanced at the television where
All in the Family
was on. Finally the fatigue of his problems overtook him, and Raymond drifted into a restless sleep.

Peaches didn’t hear or notice Raymond when he walked into a quiet Cuts ’n’ Cobblers. The morning crowd had disappeared, and Enoch took Mondays off. Peaches had her back to the front door and was watching a small television that sat on the counter. Before Raymond could say hello, Peaches said, “Don’t be no fool, honey. Don’t tell that man you got a credit card.” Sometimes when she was alone, Peaches would talk to the television, especially when the commercials contained African-American actors. She also talked back to some of the people pushing products on the Home Shopping Network, sometimes yelling, “Bitch, ain’t nobody a big enough fool to buy that shit!” Enoch would always ask her who she was talking to and she would tell him to mind his own bizness.

“Who you talking to, Peaches?” Raymond asked. Peaches knew this questioner wasn’t Enoch and turned around quickly. She had a smile a mile long as she took a long pull off her half-finished cigarette.

“When did you walk in here?” Peaches asked as she raced into Raymond’s open arms.

“I just walked in. So who you talking to?”

“This dumb bitch on the TV tellin’ this man she got a new credit card. Don’t she know he ain’t gonna do nuthing but use it up like he’s gonna do her?” Peaches said, shaking her head in disgust over the woman’s foolishness. “I bet it was another man who ruined her credit in the first place.”

Raymond knew he didn’t have time to get the whole story, so instead he told Peaches how happy he was to see her. He felt a sense of relief in her presence, and a smile began to slowly brighten his face. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

“And I’m glad to see you, baby. You looking good … your face a little fatter but I guess that comes from livin’ good,” Peaches said.

“Yeah, I’ve picked up a little weight,” Raymond said, blushing.

“Come on, sit down. You hungry? I can fix you something to eat. You want some coffee?” Peaches made her way over to the counter, where she poured herself a fresh cup of coffee.

“Naw, I had a little something before I left the hotel,” Raymond said.

“Why don’t you stay with Nicole and Jared? You don’t need to be stayin’ in no hotel. You could even stay here. I got a pull-out sofa.”

“Thanks, but I’m fine. Jared offered me his place and I might stay there a couple of nights. It just depends on how long it takes me to take care of you,” Raymond said as he looked around Peaches’s place of business. “This is a nice place you have here.”

“Do you mean that or are you being shady?” Peaches asked. Her eyebrows arched.

“Oh, I mean it. And what do you mean me being shady?”

“You know—high-hattin’ me. Being all snoblike. Now, don’t forget you talkin’ to Peaches and I know you. This place ain’t much but it’s
home and don’t think for a moment I would call you if I didn’t want to lose this place.”

Raymond walked over to Peaches and put his arms around her. Squeezing her tightly, he said, “I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you don’t lose your place.”

“Is that a promise?” Peaches said as she looked up at Raymond.

“That’s a promise,” Raymond said as he kissed the top of Peaches’s head.

Raymond made contact with the lawyers for Peaches’s landlord, and was hopeful he could take care of things in less than a week. He learned from a former law school classmate that property in Harlem was hotter than ever, and most property owners were taking advantage of the trend, forcing several small businesses to close. But Raymond also thought not many of those small business owners had a well-trained, soon-to-be-on-the-bench lawyer working on their behalf, and doing it for free. He wondered how many Harlem small businesses would suffer without the benefit of expert legal advice.

Before calling it a day, Raymond checked his messages in Seattle. There was another message from Trent and one from his mother. Her voice sounded anxious, so Raymond decided to call her right away.

“Mama? Are you all right?” he asked when his mother picked up after a couple of rings.

“Raymond? How is my baby?”

“I’m doin’. Is this too late?” he asked while cradling the phone receiver on his shoulder. He loosened his tie and untucked his shirt.

“It’s never too late for my baby,” she said.

“I was just returning your call. Your voice sounded urgent. Is everything okay?”

“Oh, everything is fine. But are you all right? I mean, you’ve been
on my mind and the last couple of times I’ve talked to you, well, your voice sounds heavy,” his mother said with concern in her voice.

“I’m okay, Mama. Just getting used to being back in New York and trying to see what I can do to help Peaches out,” Raymond said.

“How is Peaches? And how long you think you’re gonna be up there?”

“I don’t really know right now, and Peaches has got everything cooking. Just worried about losing her place. I can already tell this is not going to be easy. Real estate in Harlem is hotter than hot now, and landlords want to move in the people who are willing to pay top dollar.”

“How’s Trent?”

Raymond paused for a second and then said, “All right. I guess. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of days. You know, with the time difference and all. How’s Pops?”

“Still simmering over Kirby’s new girlfriend. I told him he better get over it or he’s gonna have a stroke or something. Worrying about something he can’t change. I told him that was Kirby’s business.”

“What’s his problem? She seemed like a really nice girl,” Raymond said. He started to tell his mother how he expected his father to be ecstatic, given that Kirby was dating a woman and not a man. But he didn’t.

“The same problem he has with everything. Being old and feeling like he’s losing control over his family.”

“You think he really feels that way?”

“Honey, pleeze. That man still feels like, when he says something, we should all jump,” she laughed.

Raymond and his mother talked for another few minutes about their recent trip to Chicago. She wanted to know when they would see each other again, and Raymond agreed to look at his calendar as soon as he could. Just when he was getting ready to hang up, he asked, “Mama, what would you do if Pops ever cheated on you?”

“First of all, he’s too old to cheat. Don’t nobody want him but me. And why would you ask me something like that, baby? Are you sure everything is all right between you and Trent?”