Above His Station (23 page)
The Prime Ambassador’s gaze drifted around the room until it found mine. We locked eyes in that way you do when you see someone that lives down your street when you’re in the local supermarket. You don’t normally speak to them as a rule, but now they’re in the same aisle as you and there’s nowhere you can go. You’re hoping they won’t recognise you, but then you see them glance up and clock you, and you can tell they’re thinking the exact same thing that you are.
How can I avoid this uncomfortable moment and get away with my manners intact?
You know that once you start talking to them you’ll have no choice but to continue to do so every time you see them. Even worse, it’s the bread aisle and the supermarket shelf-stacker has just restocked it, so at various intervals there are medium sliced loaves teetering precariously and all it will take is one slight brush against them and the whole lot will come tumbling down. So you have no choice but to remain in the middle of the aisle. But now they’ve spotted the bread too so they’re also in the middle of the aisle. And then it’s time for you to pass each other, like medieval knights in a jousting contest. They’re only seconds away so you’re already rehearsing your greeting, making sure you select the right one for the occasion. Do you go for the bombastic “
Good morning!
” a simple “
Hi
”, or would a nod and a smile be more appropriate? You settle on a compromise between all three, but just as you’re about to open your mouth, you look down into your trolley and see the veritable banquet of alcohol: the prerequisite bottle of
Captain Morgan’s
, a large
London Gin,
a bottle of Irish cream liqueur (I say ‘
Irish cream liqueur
’ instead of ‘
Bailey’s’
because I always get the cheaper option. It tastes exactly the same but it’s £2 cheaper!) and some tins of stout. So now your options have decreased. You think to yourself, do I reference my large amount of alcohol and make light of it, or do I gloss over it completely in the hope that they don’t spot it? The last thing you want is for people to think you’re an alcoholic as well as an unsociable neighbour. I’m not sure which is worse in this day and age.
So I looked right into the snake’s eyes and maintained a fixed smile, all the while trying to read his expression (which is an almost impossible task with a snake as their expressions are very noncommittal). In a split second, the Prime Ambassador looked away and I felt my whole body relax, until I saw what he was looking at. Following in his wake was a large gang (I’m not sure what the word is for lots of snakes together) of cabinet officials and they slid in a tightly controlled formation, a blanket of reticulated pythons decorated with varying markings and colours. Silently, they took their places at the desks by the defendant’s podium.
Once everyone was seated, Chief Arbitrator cleared his throat, making his chins wobble. ‘Lawrence, if you wouldn’t mind handing me my docket?’
The court clerk handed another cardboard-bound folder up to Bloch, and I noticed that it was the same as the Prime Ambassador’s one. How come I don’t get a docket?
‘Because we’re the plaintiffs,’ said the rat,
au fait
with my thoughts as ever. ‘We’re the ones that called the hearing, so we don’t get one. Only the defendant and the judge. It just basically outlines the terms of our appeal, stating all the facts that we’re aware of. Stuff that we should already know.’
‘But…I’m not sure that I even know all the facts!’ I admitted. ‘They must have got hold of that from somewhere!’
‘They did,’ said the rat. ‘They got it from me.’
‘
You?
’ I gasped.
‘You think I’ve been sitting around on my tail these past few days?’ said the rat, defensively. ‘I compiled all the details of the case and sent one copy up to the Ambassador’s suite and one copy to the High Council’s office the day before yesterday.’
‘That’s amazing!’ I marvelled. ‘I can’t believe you did all that.’
‘Pretty efficient, right?’ said the rat. ‘Now hush up. We’re about to start.’
‘The details of this hearing are thus,’ began Chief Arbitrator Bloch. ‘On the morning of 23
rd
October at the regional time of 06:39hrs, the human population native to the planet Terra 9-VI/3, known locally as Earth, was the victim of a weapon that genetically altered their bodies with no prior warning offered and no consent given.’ Bloch then looked across the courtroom directly at me. ‘Earthman, as instigator of this official SLETVDTC hearing, would this be an accurate summary?’
This was my moment, my
only
moment to speak during the entire hearing, so I stood up to make my words count. ‘It would, Your Honour.’
Bloch grinned. ‘You may address me as Arbitrator.’
‘It would, Arbitrator,’ I said, retaking my seat.
‘Very well,’ Bloch said, turning to face the Prime Ambassador. ‘Ambassador Serpiente, do you concur with the facts presented?’
‘Yesss,’ hissed the Prime Ambassador. ‘But I must admit to being slightly in the dark over the relevancy of this tribunal, Arbitrator.’
‘You should have all the details, sir,’ said Bloch, leafing through his docket. ‘This hearing has been convened to define what circumstances directed the Asclepian attack against the planet Earth, and whether they are to be deemed lawful, or unlawful. Do you understand that?’
‘Absssssolutely,’ replied the Prime Ambassador.
‘Good,’ said Bloch. ‘Advocate for the Earth, you may begin.’
Now came the rat’s moment to shine. I looked over at its little face, its little black eyes gleaming, its little whiskers quivering. I don’t know who was the most scared out of the two of us, but if I had to put money on it at that time, I would probably have said the rat.
‘Firstly, I would like to define my personal assessment of the plaintiff’s character,’ it said, in a voice that was, bizarrely, not quite its own. If anything, I thought I heard a faint tinge of Taisho Sanshoku in there. ‘He is a human being of unparalleled dignity and compassion. He is a man of his word, not prone to anger or violent tendencies, he does not suffer fools gladly, and although I have known him for only a brief time, he has always treated me kindly and with-’
‘Arbitrator,’ interrupted the Prime Ambassador, ‘might I understand the point of this biography? Enlightening, though it is.’
‘This is the Advocate’s opening statement, Ambassador. There will be plenty of time for objections later.’ Bloch looked at the rat and waved it on. ‘Continue.’
‘Sure,’ replied the rat, running its finger inside its collar. ‘I’m merely trying to put the plaintiff into context of the catastrophe that has befallen his planet. As he is the sole survivor of his species, we need to appreciate what he’s suffered, as authorised under legislation code 4:8:15:16:23/42. The plaintiff has called this hearing today not only to understand
why
the Asclepians launched their unprovoked attack, but also to request the restoration of the Earth’s human population with immediate effect.’
A low hiss came from the Prime Ambassador’s side of the court, like lots of balloons slowly deflating at once. And then I noticed one of the Asclepian aides slink over to his side and whisper something into his ear. I wondered what it might be, and what effect it might have on the case so far presented by my good friend the rat. By the way the snake’s eyes widened, I could only guess that it was bad news and I afforded myself a silent cheer. Things had started positively…
The Prime Ambassador spoke, aiming his words at the jury as he glared at the rat. ‘The Advocate for the Earth has painted a saintly picture of the plaintiff, I am sure you will all agree. He would have us believe that humans are of unblemished character, yet as their own history has recorded, that is simply not the case.’
I got a funny tickling sensation in the pit of my stomach and already I didn’t like where this was going. So much for starting positively…
‘As an example,’ said the Prime Ambassador, ‘humans have ridden roughshod over their world for far too long and this has exacerbated considerably within the past five decades. Their rainforests are being destroyed, along with all the life that exists within them. Their polar ice caps are melting, displacing many species. They continue to hunt and poach all kinds of animals unchecked, and at any one time there are over 999,000 species on the brink of extinction. Do you deny these facts, Advocate?’
‘I deny nothing,’ said the rat. ‘But just as humans have evolved, so too has their understanding of their responsibility. It’s taken them some time to realise it, I admit, but now they understand that every step leaves a footprint.’
‘Understanding is not enough,’ said the Prime Ambassador. ‘Action is needed!’
‘Action?’ said the rat. ‘The humans work
tirelessly
to repair the damage caused by their ancestors – inadvertently, I might add.’
‘Ignorance does not beget
innocence
, Advocate,’ said the Prime Ambassador. ‘And thanks to Asclepia’s intervention, the continued existence of thousands of species is now guaranteed.’
‘What about goldfish?’ asked the rat.
The Prime Ambassador frowned. ‘Pardon me?’
‘Goldfish,’ said the rat. ‘And all domesticated pets such as cats, dogs, budgies, hamsters and rabbits. Rats, even! What happens to them now that their human owners have disappeared? Who’s going to buy the biscuits, the sunflower seeds, the carrots and the nice little chunks of tuna fish in jelly? Who’s going to change the litter trays and clean up all the pavements now that there are billions of extra cats and dogs running about? Whether you like it or not, human beings are the glue that holds the planet together!’
‘I choose to believe they are quite the opposite,’ hissed the Prime Ambassador.
‘How would
you
know?’ asked the rat. ‘You’re not even
from
Earth. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen! The humans have set up countless charity organisations and government sponsored initiatives to try to make up for their past mistakes. You speak about all these species on the brink of extinction, but not all of them are down to man’s making. Some are naturally dying out, but the humans are fighting on their behalf. Fighting to help them, fighting to
save
them! Don’t you get it? You decimated an entire species simply because you didn’t like the way the Earth was being
run?
’
‘Objection!’ shouted the Prime Ambassador. ‘We decimated no one.’
‘You turned them into flipping flamingos!’ said the rat. ‘They were
people
once!’
‘And therein lay the problem.’
‘They weren’t a
problem
,’ said the rat. ‘They were decent, ordinary folk just going about their lives minding their own business and then you turned their whole world upside down!’ The rat looked back at Bloch, appealingly. ‘What is your word on the subject, Chief Arbitrator? This is a Sentient Life-form Ethical Treatment tribunal, after all. Is what the Asclepians did classified as ethical?’
Bloch looked mildly uncomfortable as all eyes looked to him. ‘Well, I…I suppose if there were extenuating circumstances…the possibility that the mistreatment of these particular species might not remain confined to the Earth, but-’
‘Exactly,’ said the rat. ‘By the stipulations of Intergalactic Law and as referenced by the case of Spangles versus Pacersmintz in 1976, and I quote: “
A planet - or planets - may not directly interfere with the affairs, atmosphere, financial stability or indigenous population of another planet - or planets - unless the Galactic Confederacy of Unified Star Systems has deemed that said planet – or planets - poses a direct threat to the continued existence of another world.
” And so I put it to you, Prime Ambassador, that Asclepia’s actions were in direct contravention of the law, and further to that, as its elected leader I request that you be held solely accountable for the crime.’
I watched the rat’s little chest rise and fall as it held the jury in the palm of its little hand. And then I watched the Prime Ambassador develop a slight tic in his left eye.
‘
You?
’ he seethed. ‘A rodent? You would hold
me
accountable?’
‘Well…you are the guy in charge, right?’ said the rat.
‘May I take a moment to confer with my counsel?’ hissed the Prime Ambassador, flicking his gaze up at Bloch.
Bloch waved him on. ‘But please bear in mind that lunch is in an hour, and Mrs Jenkins is diabetic.’
‘I’m going to need some conferring time too,’ said the rat, as it skittered over to me with a look of barely-restrained fury on its face. ‘The nerve of that guy! Did you see the way he’s looking at me?’
‘Actually, I’m more worried about the way he’s looking at me,’ I said. ‘I don’t trust his little gang either. They’re up to something sneaky.’
‘They’re fucking snakes, what did you expect?’
‘When you were talking one of them slithered up to the Ambassador and whispered something in his ear,’ I said.
‘Relax, Gramps,’ said the rat. ‘That’s just normal behaviour. Taisho told me all about it. They do that to psyche the other team out, make them think they know something we don’t. But I’m onto them, don’t you worry.’
‘I can’t do anything
but
worry!’ I said. ‘I’ve never felt so helpless, sat here as the only spokesman for an entire planet. It’s incredibly daunting.’
‘You should be where I am,’ said the rat. ‘It’s a wonder I’m not shitting myself.’
‘You’re doing very well,’ I congratulated it. ‘You’ve clearly learned a lot from Taisho these past couple of days.’
‘Don’t count your chickens,’ said the rat. ‘This was just the opening bout, where both sides lay their cards on the table. There’s still a long way to go before we break for lunch, and we’d better pray the chef’s got something edible on the menu, or that jury is going to come back in really cranky.’
‘Chief Arbitrator,’ said the Prime Ambassador. ‘Shall we continue?’
‘Advocate for Earth?’ Bloch called over to our side. ‘When you’re ready?’
