Above His Station (26 page)

My mind went blank. ‘The GGSO?’

‘Galactic Geological Survey Office,’ said the rat. ‘An independent body that regulates structural integrity, only they deal with planets as opposed to loft extensions and garages.’

‘
Planets?
’ I gasped.

‘Happens all the time,’ said the rat. ‘Taisho told me about this one case where a planet’s population had, like, trebled in the space of a few years. Bamplevonth, I think it was. In the end there were so many Bamplevonthians that they were in danger of outgrowing the planet. They’d already built skyscrapers so tall they almost breached the atmosphere, so the only option they had was to go in the opposite direction. They constructed these gigantic machines and started burrowing into the ground to make these massive cities so they could house everyone. But after a few more years they still didn’t have enough space so they kept digging deeper and deeper, until one day they went so deep they breached the planet core. Bamplevonth began to break up; earthquakes, whole continents shifting, adverse weather conditions and all kinds of freaky shit.’

‘So what did this GGSO lot do about it?’ I enquired further.

‘They strolled on in, all efficiency and sharp suits, took one look at the place and condemned it on the spot.’

‘
Condemned
it? An entire planet?’ I asked.

‘They had to evacuate the population and farm them out to any neighbouring star system that would take them,’ said the rat. ‘The Bamplevonthian race was fragmented all across the galaxy and within a generation the concept of a true-blood was the stuff of myth. You’d have an easier time finding a virgin in a whore-house.’

‘And what happened to Bamplevonth?’ I asked.

‘It imploded,’ said the rat. ‘Shattered into a gazillion bits of rock and floated off into space where it got sucked into a black hole. Billions weren’t lucky enough to get off-world before it went Vesuvius on their arses.’

‘And…how do these Galactic Geo-wotsit blokes fit into things here?’ I asked.

‘Stop asking so many questions and we’ll find out.’

‘The GGSO has confirmed that Asclepia’s sun is
dying!
’ yelled Astrid, venomously (although I have since learned that reticulated pythons are not actually venomous. They kill their prey by constriction rather than poison). ‘Soon all life on our planet will be at an end…and my father
knew
about it!’

‘This is an outrage!’ roared the Prime Ambassador, rearing up to his full height. He wasn’t even flying and he was almost as tall as Astrid. ‘Daughter, I demand that we get the medics to check you over. This is obviously very traumatic for you…perhaps we would do better discussing this in private?’

‘Where no one can hear you lie anymore?’ Astrid spat. ‘I’ve seen the official report for myself, Father. You knew that Asclepia was in danger! You knew all about it you did
nothing!
’

‘Unless you count the fact that he bribed the GGSO,’ said the rat, sticking its little hand up. ‘Just saying…’

‘Thank you for reminding me,’ said Astrid. ‘And whilst I think of it, you seem to be doing a fine job as Advocate. I’m actually impressed, rodent.’

‘Thanks,’ grinned the rat. ‘You’re not doing such a bad job yourself, Slinky.’

It looked as if the Prime Ambassador and his lot were getting ready to leave, as they were tidying up their paperwork and pushing back their chairs with their minds, huddled in a tight group, whispering between themselves. I wasn’t the only one to notice it either.

‘Oh, don’t go just yet,
Father
, things are only just getting started!’ Astrid snarled. ‘Tell them about the report…unless you’d like me to do it for you? I’m a professor after all, so I’m probably more familiar with the technical jargon. Asclepia’s sun will implode in less than thirteen skin-sheds and like any reptile species, if there’s no more sun then there’s no more
us!
In short…Asclepia is fucked.’

‘She’s so awesome,’ said the rat, nudging my arm. ‘I think I’m in love.’

‘My father and his cabinet have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep this news quiet,’ continued Astrid to the dismay of the court. ‘For example, he feared that once the
Viper Explorer 1
was out of Asclepia’s atmosphere, its crew would see the damage to our sun for themselves, and so he sabotaged the craft’s guidance systems, making it impossible for them to return home and speak of it.’

There were gasps of shock from the jury (and from me, if I’m honest).

‘For all these years my father has been plotting how he could turn the situation to his advantage,’ Astrid said, her voice rolling along confidently now that she had hit her stride. ‘Launching secret missions into deep space with diverted funds from the voters’ accumulated pension funds and taxes, and what were these missions for, Father?’

‘Astrid, I’m warning you…’ said the Prime Ambassador.

‘No, Daddy!’ shouted Astrid. ‘
I’m
warning
you!
You aren’t going to get away with this. I won’t let you stand here claiming to be the injured party, because you’re nothing of the sort! You got rid of the entire human population of Earth just because they were the only things standing in your way!’

‘He did
what?
’ I gasped.

‘Say that again?’ Bloch requested.

‘Mother
fucker!
’ the rat swore.

‘What was that, dear?’ Mrs Jenkins enquired.

Thankfully for everyone concerned (especially poor old Mrs Jenkins who was having a devil of a time trying to keep up) Astrid went on to explain everything that she had discovered during her nightly investigations of her father’s private penthouse suite.

‘Once the GGSO had informed you about Asclepia’s fate, what did you do, Father? Did you alert the population immediately and organise an evacuation campaign so they would all be displaced to a safer location? Or did you keep it to yourself and start thinking about how best to profit from it?’

I think it’s safe to say that the Prime Ambassador had done the second option.

‘I couldn’t risk causing global panic,’ he said in his defence – yet still not exhibiting any outward signs of remorse. ‘If I had broadcast the news about what was to come to pass, what do you think would have happened? Asclepia would have been in chaos! There would be martial law on the streets, mass rioting everywhere you looked! And we could hardly evacuate as we had nowhere to evacuate
to!
’

‘And that’s the reason why you funded all those secret little missions, isn’t it?’ said Astrid, clearly knowing the answer already and just being a little tease. ‘You were seeking a planet similar in size and atmospheric conditions to Asclepia, one with the ability to adequately sustain reptilian life-forms. And would you mind telling everyone how many worlds your survey team identified as viable alternatives?’

The Prime Ambassador’s lips were clamped shut.

‘One,’ Astrid answered for him. ‘Amazingly, in all the galaxies across the whole Universe, there was just one single planet that fitted the bill. And would you mind telling everyone the name of that planet?’

You know on those quiz shows on television, the ones with ridiculous cash prizes that go into the millions, there’s a moment when the contestant has just answered the final question and the host is really dragging out the tension before he tells them if they’re right or not? Well, that was exactly what it was like in the courtroom at that moment…

‘Yes, Father…Earth,’ Astrid answered for him again. ‘And that is why you sent your probes to learn all they could about this world and what obstacles might prevent you from settling there. “
Operation: Neo-Asclepia
” you called it – at least, that’s what it says in that top secret file that I found in the safe in your plush penthouse apartment. Only…when your probes reported back, what had they discovered? They learned all about the dominant species on Earth; a species that would hardly have just sat back and welcomed billions of Asclepians onto their doorsteps, didn’t you?’

‘No,’ said the Prime Ambassador. ‘Man would have destroyed us all…as he destroys everything!’

‘So you decided to take man out of the equation,’ said Astrid. ‘And my data transmission all those years ago gave you the perfect justification to get away with it if anyone happened to question your actions. That is why you were already on Puck, isn’t it? It was just a smokescreen. You decided to come all the way here with your top notch legal team fully prepared to argue your case, using the Bible as proof of man’s cruelty to animals and thereby hoping to gain sympathy with the jury!’

The Prime Ambassador grinned. ‘I always said you were wasted as a scientist, my dear Astrid. You’d have made a much better politician. I rather hoped that one day you might follow in my tail-trails, but then you dishonoured me by joining the A.R.S.E.’

‘And what then, Father? You sabotaged my mission!’

‘For good reason, as you’ve already detailed quite succinctly for the benefit of the jury,’ sneered the Prime Ambassador. ‘Sabotaging the
Viper Explorer 1
’s navigational systems was the wisest move I ever made. Had I not, then I would never have got hold of such a compelling alibi, would I?’

‘What do you mean?’ demanded Astrid.

‘The data transmission that you sent, remember? In which man’s crimes are illuminated for all to see gave me everything that I needed to bolster my case for the defence,’ said the Prime Ambassador, lowering himself down to the floor to join his gang of hissing pythons. ‘I knew with that sort of evidence stacked against mankind, I would surely be acquitted for using the
S-Triple-R
to alter the humans’ molecular structures. Shame it didn’t work on them all, but that’s technology for you.’

‘And therein lies your biggest mistake,’ said Astrid, drifting slowly back down but still standing firmly in our camp. ‘Your translation of my data transmission is incorrect.’

‘That’s right!’ I said, finding my voice (and my courage) from somewhere. ‘I spotted that too. It was similar to what’s in
Genesis
, I’ll grant you…but it was an awfully skewed interpretation of it.’

‘And I know why,’ said Astrid. ‘Back in 2003, I was forced to transmit our findings across a data-stream through space via inter-sonic frequencies - a means widely accepted as unstable, but back then it was the only choice that I had. According to the files in your safe, Father, your translation team used a ZX81 binary-9 algorithm to decrypt my transmission, which has a known tendency to degrade the data quality of the original source quite considerably, sometimes spewing up random words that appear as nonsense. It’s not classed as a bug, but a ‘feature’ apparently. In other words…your translators got it wrong.’

‘I knew it!’ I cheered (completely lacking in dignity I know, but I was overjoyed to be proven right). ‘I said that, didn’t I?’ I said, turning to the rat to back me up. ‘I said he was quoting it wrong, didn’t I?’

The rat wasn’t listening. It was too preoccupied with what Astrid was saying.

‘You talk so scathingly about mankind, Father, when the truth is, the only evidence you have against them is via second-hand information,’ she continued. ‘This man, for example.’ Astrid pointed her tail right at me, which then made everyone else in the courtroom look at me too. ‘This man is one of your victims…someone whose world you so casually attacked, which left him with a decision; either he would accept the new world order, or he would challenge it. He chose to challenge it, to seek out the reasons for his planet’s fate, and to do his level best to put things right.’

Astrid then pointed her tail at my furry companion. ‘And then there is this rodent. One of the lowest classes of all of Earth’s many species; the rat has always been at odds with man, historically speaking…until the rat and the man found a common enemy. In a time of great crisis, these two souls banded together seeking justice for their planet, going against generations of conflict. That speaks volumes about the integrity of both species…but there is far more to it than that.’

‘There is?’ asked the rat.

I was going to ask the exact same thing, but I didn’t want to interrupt. Astrid moved her gaze away from the rat and I, switching it back to the members of the jury, for it was their heads that she needed to get into.

‘The
Spontaneously Random Reincarnation Ray
has an extremely powerful range, capable of covering almost the entire mass of planet Earth in a matter of seconds…however its point of impact is relatively small in comparison. Shielded below ground, both the human and the rodent were caught in the epicentre of the ray’s blast…which explains their unique connection.’

‘
Unique connection?
’ whispered the rat.

‘It’s news to me,’ I responded in a hushed tone.

‘Is she trying to suggest that…you know…we’re, like…
together?
’ asked the rat.

‘In a relationship, you mean?’ I enquired. ‘God, she couldn’t think that…could she?’

‘I fucking hope not!’ snapped the rat. ‘As much as I like you, Gramps, I’m not interested in anything beyond a purely platonic friendship.’

‘Don’t flatter yourself!’ I retorted. ‘It was bad enough when you accused me of flirting with a bloody leopard, and now you honestly think that I would…I don’t even want to say it out loud.’

And then something very bizarre happened.

You’ll have to excuse my explanation if it’s a little on the vague side, but this is because I was directly involved in the events that followed so my recollection is somewhat hazy at certain points. I had to get Astrid to fill me in on it all afterwards, so this explanation comes second-hand via her.

‘I can’t believe you!’ said…and that’s the really interesting bit, because according to Astrid, both the rat and I were speaking at the exact same time, but not just that - we were speaking the exact same
thing
at the exact same time - and with the exact same tone of voice!

‘I thought we were friends, and
this
is how you repay me?’ we said.

‘Stop that!’

‘Stop what,’ said we.