Above His Station (27 page)

‘Stop repeating what I’m saying.’

‘No,
you
stop repeating what
I’m
saying,’ we both said.

‘I’m not!’

‘Yes, you are!’ we said in unison.

‘Look, this isn’t the time or place for childish games!’

‘Stop mucking about and let’s just forget all about this!’ we told each other.

‘Okay.’

‘Right, so stop doing it then!’

‘I
have
stopped doing it!’ we protested.

‘No, you haven’t! You were just doing it again!’ we insisted.

‘So were you!’

‘You’re still doing it!’ we both yelled – and as I leapt out of my seat I was suddenly snapped right back into reality. I looked at the rat and the rat looked right back, equally as dismayed as I was (which made me feel a bit better about the whole thing).

‘We were just repeating what the other one said,’ I said (on my own this time).

‘No…we weren’t,’ said the rat (on its own too). ‘We were saying it-’

‘
Together!
’ we both exclaimed – and then we both scowled, suddenly mistrustful of one other, as if we’d just fallen foul of a dastardly trick.

‘But how is that possible?’ I asked.

Astrid had a big smile on her face. ‘You see? That’s what I am talking about right there! Somehow - and even though I’m a professor please don’t ask me to explain exactly how this happened - when the
S-Triple-R
struck the Earth, the human and the rat were caught in the eye of the storm, which explains the human’s immunity to the ray’s effects…but additionally, they became inseparably linked by this commonality, sharing a connection that goes beyond telepathy. Asclepians don’t believe in Fate, but if we did, I might be inclined to think that it was meant to be…as if the planet Earth cried out to them both…calling them to arms to defend it.’

‘So that’s explains why you’ve been able to pre-empt what I’ve been saying all this time?’ said the rat to me.

‘Don’t you mean it explains why
you’ve
been able to pre-empt what
I’ve
been saying?’ I said, putting the little chap in its place.

‘Oh, please!’ the rat scoffed. ‘I hardly get time to think it before you’ve said it!’

‘But that’s exactly how
I’ve
felt!’ I said. ‘Ever since I started hanging around with you, it’s been awfully frustrating. I don’t really have a lot of experience in this sort of thing, so I just assumed that you were…I don’t know, a super-powered mind-reading rodent or something.’

‘That’s ridiculous!’ said the talking rat wearing a miniature pin-striped suit acting as the Earth’s legal representative in the middle of an appeal hearing within an intergalactic law court on one of the moons of Uranus.

‘My father intentionally hid the fate of Asclepia’s sun from his voters because he knew that it would mean an end to his career,’ said Astrid, putting things back into perspective and addressing the jury. ‘His plan - and one that would have worked had it not been for the human pursuing this legal battle - was to clear the Earth of mankind and then make an announcement to the population of Asclepia. Our sun was dying and we would all have to evacuate our planet…but hooray, for just beyond the horizon was a haven named Neo-Asclepia, the answer to all our prayers. And as luck would have it, it’d just had a nice Spring clean.’

The Prime Ambassador arched his back and hissed (I’m tempted to say ‘like a cat’ because that was what it reminded me of, but it might get a bit confusing so we’ll just leave it the way it is for now).

Even though we established just a few pages ago that reticulated pythons aren’t venomous, I didn’t fancy putting any money on it, not from the look in that snake’s eyes. Thankfully, his hatred was reserved solely for Astrid, who had just destroyed all his carefully-laid plans in one fell swoop (hooray!).

‘Do you not understand, Daughter?’ he protested. ‘Using the
S-Triple-R
was an act of
compassion
on my part. The threat of mankind had to be contained, but I offered them a chance at a new life!’

‘One that was a poor replacement for the one you took!’ snapped the rat, getting in on the act. ‘What, you reckon they should be grateful, is that what you’re saying? That they’re all better off as flamingos, and spiders, and frogs and anteaters?’

‘It wasn’t an anteater,’ I interjected. ‘Remarkably similar I grant you, but-’

‘Kind of busy here, Gramps,’ said the rat – which I took as my cue to shut up. ‘You talk about an act of compassion, Ambassador? You might just as well have murdered every man and woman and child on the face of the planet! I’d hardly call that compassion, unless it means something different on your world. What you’ve done is unforgivable - and not to mention inexcusable…whichever one carries the harshest penalty!’

‘And speaking of which, Chief Arbitrator,’ said Astrid, wrapping things up with a nice wide smile. ‘My father may have deceived us all, but far more than that, he wilfully manipulated the balance of life on another planet for his own needs. I respectfully request that the jury consider this in their final verdict.’

Arbitrator Bloch then surprised everyone by saying, ‘Oh, sod
them!
Everyone knows that the Prime Ambassador’s bodyguards have been putting pressure on the jury ever since his shuttle arrived here. I happen to know that some of them agreed to swing the vote in his favour, no matter what the evidence was.’ Various members of the jury fidgeted in their seats. ‘And those he couldn’t intimidate, he paid off with large sums of cash!’ The remainder of the jury then fidgeted in their seats. ‘In circumstances such as these, when the integrity of the jury is called into question, the Chief Arbitrator can invoke
Decree Supreme
, giving me the ability to state my own verdict above all others.’

There was another one of those quiz show moments…

‘And my verdict shall be…’

It was nail-biting stuff.

‘-after careful consideration of all the evidence presented-’

The tension was killing me.

‘-especially in light of Professor Serpiente’s additional information-’

Just get on with it!
I wanted to shout.

‘-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that-’

Oh, for god’s sake, spit it out!

‘-the Prime Ambassador of Asclepia is…’

21

‘Guilty of all charges!’ announced Arbitrator Bloch, finally.

I bounded from my seat and rushed over to congratulate my legal team, but as neither a snake nor a rat is particularly easy to hug, I decided to shake the rat’s tiny hand vigorously and stroke the top of Astrid’s head in a fond (yet not overly-familiar) way.

We had done it!

Against all the odds, on one of the lesser moons of Uranus I had witnessed justice!

Almost…for Bloch had yet to deliver his sentence and the Asclepian Prime Command were in the process of being hastily bundled up by the court’s security staff (bloody huge buggers they were, like a cross between a rhinoceros and a fridge freezer). Handcuffs weren’t a viable option for restraining a snake (on account of them having no hands to cuff) so the security staff snapped these sort of electronic dog collars around the Prime Ambassador and his team’s necks, linking them together by a long chain. Once the security staff had jostled the snakes into a manageable group, the Prime Ambassador turned towards the Arbitrator’s bench to receive his sentence.

‘Ambassador Serpiente,’ Bloch began, ‘this tribunal has found the entire Asclepian Prime Command guilty of manipulating another world’s stability without prior consent. It also finds you personally guilty of wilfully sabotaging the
Viper Explorer 1
’s mission in 2003, resulting in the deaths of two of her crew. And on top of that, you are found guilty of bribing an official legislating body. And if all that wasn’t damning enough, you were perfectly willing to sacrifice your own daughter’s life just to preserve your political career…which, as of right about now, is over.’

‘
Lies!
’ stormed the Prime Ambassador. ‘It’s all a pack of lies!’

‘This tribunal hereby decrees that you must recompense the planet Earth by restoring its human population exactly as it was prior to your use of the
S-Triple-R
,’ continued Arbitrator Bloch, rather enjoying himself if the broad grin on his podgy face was any indication. ‘The entirety of your political assets is to be redistributed to the Asclepian Research and Stellar Exploration department in order that they might define a solution to reignite their planet’s dying sun.’

‘I object!’ objected the Prime Ambassador. ‘That’s hardly a fair punishment!’

‘Oh, that’s not your punishment,’ said Arbitrator Bloch, watching the snake seethe with rage. ‘Your punishment will be a ten year jail term incarcerated within Mastikovos Penitentiary, but if it makes you feel any better, you probably won’t last more than a month.’ And then Bloch glanced down at Astrid from his bench. ‘It looks as if Asclepia’s going to need a new leader, Professor. Do you fancy the job?’

‘
Me?
’ cried Astrid. ‘I’m not sure that I-’

‘As the incumbent Ambassador’s kin, you do have a legal right to the title.’

‘I…I don’t know,’ said Astrid, lowering her head. ‘My father’s shadow looms large in Asclepia. I don’t think that I’d ever be able to crawl out from under it.’

‘Who better than an expert on astrophysics, geo-thermal dynamics, particle accelerator physics and loads of other brainy stuff that I won’t even pretend to understand to assume leadership of the A.R.S.E mission to reignite Asclepia’s sun?’ said Bloch. ‘I do have the authority to grant such a boon, you know. It’s the basis of everything that the Sentient Life-form Ethical Treatment and Valued Diversity Tribunal Committee was founded for.’

‘In that case,’ said Astrid. ‘How can I refuse?’

‘
No!
’ roared the Prime Ambassador, desperately trying to wriggle himself free of the restraining collar around his neck. ‘This is preposterous! She’s a female! She doesn’t know the first thing about leading an entire planet!’

‘So she’ll have a steep learning curve,’ said Arbitrator Bloch, ‘and she’ll probably make a few mistakes along the way, just as any other leader does. But I know with all certainty that she will always put the needs of her planet before her own…which is something that I can’t say about
you
, ex-Ambassador. Let it be entered into the permanent record, Mrs Jenkins. Astrid Serpiente is now the official ruler of the planet Asclepia. Good luck, Professor. I’ve a feeling you’re going to need it.’

‘You can say that again,’ muttered the rat.

The (former) Prime Ambassador wasn’t going quietly. He was spitting obscenities and one of the security team had to get a little rough with him to shut him up.

‘You may think you’ve won, Earthman, but your prize is nothing of any worth!’ He shouted across the room at me. ‘Your precious species - there’s nothing you can do to save them!’

‘Ambassador, explain yourself!’ boomed Bloch. ‘This tribunal decrees that you fix the damage that you have done!’

‘Sorry…no can do,’ seethed the snake, smarmily. ‘No matter what this
tribunal
decrees, Arbitrator, the
S-Triple-R
’s effects are permanent…which means that Earth’s human population can
never
be put right.’ He was jostled by the security guards but stood his ground, as if he wanted to make sure that he got the last word. ‘You are the only human being left in the entire Universe, Earthman…the last of your kind. Think about
that
as you celebrate your victory!’

I couldn’t stop my legs from giving way beneath me and I fell into my chair. I loathed that snake with all of my being. All of that damage, all that pain. It was such a waste. Every human life on Earth scrubbed out in the blink of an eye and I found myself thinking that it was just a shame that the SLETVDTC didn’t believe in corporal punishment, as I would have dearly loved to have seen that snake hanging by its neck. Even worse was the knowledge that he was right. I had won the case, but in reality I had won nothing at all beyond mild satisfaction at hearing the truth come out.

‘You know something, Ambassador? As much as I like to see justice done, I’m beginning to agree with you,’ said Arbitrator Bloch. ‘Ten years in Mastikovos Penitentiary isn’t a fair punishment for your crimes.’

‘
What?
’ spat Astrid. ‘But he’s guilty! You said so yourself!’

‘Oh, he’s guilty as sin,’ said Arbitrator. ‘But Mastikovos is too lenient a punishment for him, considering all that he’s done. That’s why I’m going to pull a few strings with Warden Battenhatch and see to it that your father spends the rest of his days doing hard labour in the penal colony on Batraxi-Santori Minor.’

‘
Batraxi-Santori?
’ gasped the Prime Ambassador. ‘But you
can’t!
That place is full of murderers, thieves…cannibals! The worst scum in the galaxy!’

‘Then you should feel right at home,’ said Bloch. ‘Guards, get him out of my sight.’

*

Eventually the ruckus died down, and the courtroom slowly began to empty. Arbitrator Bloch waddled over to my podium and shook my hand, telling me that he wished there was more that he could have done to help the Earth, but I told him that it was all right. As long as the Prime Ambassador got what he deserved, I was happy. But I was lying to myself as much as to him. I was far from happy with how things had turned out. I hadn’t seen true justice done, not really. I’d seen punishment, but that’s a far cry from justice and not what I really wanted. I wanted my world back, my people, my species returned to their former state. I didn’t want to be on my own surrounded by all sorts of animals, knowing that only a few days ago every one of them was a man, a woman, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters. And with the flip of a switch they were gone, reincarnated into a tiger or a spider or a flamingo or a fire-bellied tree frog or something that looks remarkably similar to an anteater. It would be like walking through a living graveyard, surrounded by testaments to former lives; former doctors, nurses, schoolteachers, scientists…even former professional footballers.