Above His Station (29 page)

Astrid

Even though she’s a snake, she’s a very graceful one. I picture her a bit like a swan. Never moving too swiftly, always slightly aloof. She’s an academic, so she’s lacking in much of a sense of humour (
not that I’m saying all academics are like that, of course!
).

Taisho
Sanshoku

She’s a fish, what more do you need to know? Well, actually she’s not a fish, she only looks like one. She’s really from Neptune and she also happens to be a subject matter expert on the intergalactic legal system. She’s very coy but doesn’t like carp on about it.

In case you were wondering, the answer to the guard’s question is a multi-storey carp park.

Chief Arbitrator Bloch

He was originally going to be a lot more sleazy but his character kind of mellowed as the story progressed (I was making this stuff up as I went along!). But I didn’t want to make it too easy for the guard and the rat to raise their appeal, so I made him intentionally obese as a nod to Jabba the Hutt.

The Prime Ambassador of
Asclepia

What a dick.

Nixt-Plar
Sandersanderson

Former Colonel in the Ursa-Vex Defence Corps, now retired. He likes nothing more of an afternoon than to play a few rounds of crazy golf. He used to have a pair of special golf shoes but then he got a hole in one.

Left Gorilla & Right Gorilla

These guys reminded me of ‘the Management’ from Hale & Pace (
and if you’re too young to remember them, you probably shouldn’t be reading this as it’s got swears in it
). I have no idea why I drew them wearing tuxedos – it seemed to make sense at the time considering the fact that they are bouncers for the Lion King. But then, convincing yourself that irrationality actually makes perfect sense is but one reliable indicator that your mental state is not entirely stable. Still….

The Lion King and the Obsequious Ocelot

If you’re wondering how King Simba gets his crown on over his mane, it’s a
tight fit
.

Thank you for reading ABOVE HIS STATION

…but it’s not quite over yet…

Schöllenboden, Switzerland.

Sometime later after a quick stop at M&S…

‘What was that sound?’

‘Just wind.’

‘Well, would you mind not doing it quite so close to my
mouth?
’

‘No, I meant that sound. It was just wind. This place is fucking freezing, Gramps!’

‘You’re wearing a fur coat. How can you be freezing?’

‘Because we’re walking in the middle of a fucking blizzard, in the middle of a fucking icy wasteland, in the middle of fucking Switzerland, that’s why! Remind me why we’re here again?’

‘Astrid reckons this is where all the other survivors are, remember?’

‘Any sign of them yet?’

‘Hard to tell in this awful weather. I certainly hope she wasn’t wrong about this place. It’d be a shame if we came all this way for nothing…especially seeing as we’ve got no way of getting back home again. It’s a good job I’m wearing thermals.’

‘In the distance, look! Down there in that valley.’

‘Which valley?’

‘That fucking valley down there! Look where I’m pointing!’

‘Okay…and what exactly am I supposed to be looking at?’

‘Lights.’

‘What sort of lights?’

‘Like the ones from those tiny little cottages you always get on Christmas cards.’

‘You can see cottages?’

‘No, fuckwit, I can see lights. If I could see cottages, why the fuck would I have said ‘
Lights
’? I’d have said fucking ‘
Cottages
’, wouldn’t I?’

‘Must you swear
quite
so much?’

‘I told you, Gramps, I only swear when the situation calls for it, and I can see lights.’

‘So you said.’

‘Lights means life. Lights means people. And lots of lights means lots of people.’

‘People?’

‘It looks like Astrid the nutty professor was right on the money!’

‘Ah, Jerry Lewis…now there’s a funny man.’

‘Who?’

‘You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of Jerry Lewis?’

‘Never.’

‘What,
never?
’

‘Never ever.’

‘Incredible.’

‘Wait. Wasn’t he the one that did ‘
Great Balls Of Fire
’?’

‘No, that was Jerry
Lee
Lewis, he’s a rock and roll musician.’

‘And that’s not the same guy?’

‘Not at all. Jerry Lewis is the comedian that played ‘
The Nutty Professor
’ in the film.’

‘I think you’ll find that was Eddie Murphy, dude.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Eddie Murphy.’

‘What about him?’

‘He played the nutty professor in ‘
The Nutty Professor
’, as well as all the other Klumps too. He was, like, all fucking six of them at the same time or something mental.’

‘What on earth are you babbling about? Jerry Lewis was in ‘
The Nutty Professor
’!’

‘No, dude, it was Eddie Murphy.’

‘Jerry Lewis.’

‘Eddie Murphy.’

‘Look, I’m not getting into this again with you, all right? Let’s just agree to disagree and leave it at that.’

‘It’s already left, man.’

‘Do you swear?’

‘All the fucking time.’

‘No, I meant about dropping this Eddie Murphy nonsense!’

‘Oh. Yeah, I swear.’

‘Good. Because everyone knows that it was Jerry Lewis anyway.’

‘Eddie Murphy.’

‘Jerry Lewis.’

‘Gramps, I’m telling you, it was Eddie fucking Murphy!’

‘And I’m telling you, rat, it was Jerry bloody Lewis!’

…and so on, and so forth…

THE (real) END.

It’s only me again.

If you stuck around this long then you must be one of those types who likes to make sure they get their money’s worth. Good for you. You’re my kind of guy/gal
(delete as appropriate).

Seeing as you went to the effort of scrolling to the very last page, let me reward you by telling you that the guard and the rat will be back for more adventures in:

BEFORE HIS TIME

Later in 2012
.

DC

.

These pictures were drawn as part of the original promotions for this book, in which some of  the characters are representing well-known movie posters, and the trick was to guess which ones.