Abruption (36 page)

So when she started bombarding me with questions on the cab ride home from the playground, I knew it was coming and I dreaded it.

JuJu, why are Finn’s sheets not working?

To a little girl
I don’t know
was unacceptable. To this thirty-two-year-old, it was unacceptable.

How did you explain that luck was just that—luck? Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. A chance. A roll of the dice that often didn’t reap the reward you were hoping for.

To a little girl, luck should be unicorns, fairies, and pixie dust.

It should be rainbow sheets.

But life was
unfair.

And sometimes there were no answers.

Maxie didn’t ask any more questions during our short ride; her disillusionment filled the silence. Wanting nothing more than to see her magic sparkle, I pulled her onto my lap, and for the second time today, the second time in seven years, I recited Shel Silverstein. This time I didn’t whisper as I shared all the
woulda-coulda-shouldas
.

“It’s dark in here,” Maxie said, squeezing past me to walk into our apartment.

I agreed, even with our living room curtains wide open it was one of those dreary days where an umbrella was always near, and no matter the hour, twilight was around the corner. A reflection of our gloomy mood.

“Casey, Casey stop.” She giggled, getting a sloppy wet kiss. I flipped the light switch and shrugged out of my coat. Max simultaneously flung her backpack onto the entry bench, shed her fleece, and kicked her shoes into the hall closet before taking off down the hall with Casey (not so fast) on her heels.

“Where are you going?” I shouted after them.

“On our mission, JuJu. Feel Fantastic Fearless Finny,” she yelled back over her shoulder. I laughed out loud, impressed she remembered the mouthful we concocted in the taxi. Shel had nothing on us. Guessed it helped that it was “F” week in preschool.

By the time I arrived at Finn’s door, she was already on her belly, reaching under his bed. “Whatcha looking for under there?”

“Finny’s important things,” she replied, swiping her arm one way and then the other. Out popped Power Rangers by the dozen, a couple of rolling Matchbox cars, coloring books, loose crayons, a single sock, and a few dust bunnies. The sight before me made me smile—a typical little boy’s under-the-bed surprises.

“He’s not going to be gone all that long, maybe you should pick just a few to pack for the hospital.”
God, let what I said be true and bring Finny home to us soon.
I cleared my throat to stop myself from getting choked up, exhaled, and said, “How about we get you a quick snack?”

“Nah, I’ll wait,” she answered matter-of-factly.

“Wait for what?”

“For my brother. We can eat together.”

God, when she said stuff like that I wanted to melt.

“You are the most amazing big sister, Maxie girl.”

She flipped over onto her back and looked up at me, her baby blues going wide.

“It’s okay, JuJu. Finny won’t care,” she said, sitting up and crossing her legs. My brows rose in question, but I waited for her to continue. “Finny is a good shaiwer. He lets me play with his Casey.” She scooped up Finn’s stuffed puppy and cuddled it to her face. “I think he’ll shaiw
Maxie
with you.”

My heart. I clutched my chest while tears stung my eyes. This was huge. Max was one tough cookie, the most delicious kind, but she rarely crumbed. I knew this sounded silly, but I had waited for this day. I might have even snuck it into one of my prayers. She’d been so adamant from the beginning that any nickname was reserved for Finn.

I wanted to scream and cry at the same time.

She let me in.

I sniffled back my tears. “Oh baby girl, do you have any idea how happy this makes me?” I knelt down and sat her on my lap.

“But you’re crying.”

Gah! I couldn’t help it. Her little finger swiped away the wetness from my cheek.

“These are happy tears, baby.” I tucked her against my chest and whispered into her hair, “I love you and your brother and your daddy so much. Thank you for letting me call you Maxie. It means so much to me.”

“You have to check with Finny first.” She very seriously countered, scooting back to make eye contact. God, she was adorable.

“Oh okay, I definitely will. But big sisters usually know best, so I’m sure he’ll agree.”

Seemingly satisfied with my response, she hopped off my lap and we both went back to organizing books and toys. Not that the decision making process was all that taxing—there was the Power Ranger pile and then everything else. Big sister definitely knew best.

“JuJu.”

Staring at the mess we made and still riding my
call-me-Maxie
high, I asked, “Mmmhmm?”

The second “JuJu” was accompanied with the tap of small fingers on my shoulder. I tore myself away from my internal mini-celebration and gave Maxie back my full attention. It was obvious the wheels in her little head were spinning at rapid speed. Before I could answer, she blurted, “Chloe and Clara and Liliana all have mommies
and
daddies. I want a mommy too. Can you be my mommy, JuJu?”

And I thought she tested the stretch of my heart before. This time it burst. Like tiny firecrackers of love firing straight up into the air. Whirling in spirals, tumbling into waterfalls, and floating in glittering showers. Each sizzle more beautiful than the next, creating a dazzling masterpiece of color that spread warmth through my body. I inhaled a giant lungful of air and attempted to slow the thump in my chest.

Mommy.

Coming from her mouth, the word sounded as beautiful as it did the day Gemma was born and I held her in my arms the first time.

Maxie’s beautiful eyes glistened with a hope so pure I could barely contain myself from pirouetting around the room and screaming,
Yes, I’ll be your mommy.

But this moment deserved to be perfect.

I moved our faces only inches apart and tucked a loose blond curl behind her ear. I wanted her to be able to see the truth in
my
eyes. “I would love to be your mommy, my sweet girl. Nothing in this whole wide world would make me happier.” Her smile was so blinding, and her eyes sparkled with so much magic that it took every ounce of my strength to not shower her sweet face with kisses. Knowing I would never forget this moment as long as I lived, and hoping the same was true for Maxie, I had to finish. “That doesn’t mean you have to stop loving your mommy in heaven because she’ll always be your mommy. No one could ever replace her. Even though she can’t be here with you every day, I know she loves you so much that she’d be happy you have another mommy to love you.”

“You’re awowed to have two mommies?”

“Absolutely, sweetie. Mommy love is magical: once you have it, it’s yours forever. Your mommy in heaven gave you her love the day you were born, and I just gave you mine. Poof, two mommies. Forever and ever and ever.”

“Yay! I have two mommies!” she cheered and excitedly bounced in place. And even more fireworks exploded from my heart. “Thank you, JuJu Mommy. I can’t wait to tell Finny and Chloe and Clara and Liliana.”

She grinned at me and I smiled, unable to hold back my tears (these weren’t only happy ones, these were blessed ones).

Mommy JuJu.

Thank you, God, for giving me another chance.

“Can we go see Finny now?”

Right. A four-year-old’s world didn’t allow time to dwell and celebrate miracles. Time to focus. We had an important task at hand.

I wiped my cheeks, pretended I wasn’t floating on air, and said, “Of course, of course. Let’s move it, sister. Our Feeling Fantastic Fearless Finny is waiting.”

“Wahoo,” she shouted, running from the room.

Where to, who knew? I let Casey do the chasing. I grabbed Finn’s navy duffel from his closet and got to work on comfy clothes and extra undies, while I debated on how to break it to her that we weren’t bringing all twenty plus Power Rangers to the hospital with us. Who was I kidding? She just called me Mommy. Maybe I needed a suitcase instead.

Back within moments, she tossed some little orange packets on Finn’s bed and said, “Finny needs these too.” My eyelids stretched wide open.

Where in the world did she get condoms? At closer inspection, the packaging was definitely too big. I held one up.
HotHands
. “Hand warmers? Where did you get these, Maxie?”

“Maya says these make Finn feel better.”

Maya was a skier—that made sense. Way more sense than condoms. But goodness, did they look similar from across the room. I bit my lip, embarrassed of where my brain automatically went.

“Finn won’t need these in the hospital, silly, they’re for chilly fingers. His hands will be nice and warm.” I put the hand warmer packets on Finn’s night table and decided against the lecture on not going through people’s personal things right this second. We’d talk about respecting privacy later when we weren’t rushing.

Speaking of, I pulled out my phone to see how we were doing on time and my little red text bubble read two.

I hated the uneasy feeling I got seeing missed messages ever since the night Finn seized and I had no service. I wondered when or if that was ever going to change.

Guy’s first text immediately alleviated my concern. Of course it did, he knew I was going to be on edge waiting for Finn’s results.

How are my two favorite girls?

Finn’s requesting Casey (and not the stuffed one).

I smiled imagining Guy’s face when Finn asked him to bring our dog to keep him company. I would not have been surprised if Guy had contemplated a covert smuggle operation for a split second. He felt powerless over everything Finn was suffering through and would do anything to make this ordeal easier for him. I understood the feeling.

His text also reminded me how close my pet therapy program was to being up and running. The board unanimously approved my proposal, and barring any unforeseen legalities, Dr. Paws was slotted to start in the early spring. The kids had helped me pick the program name and I absolutely loved it. Tonight though, Finn’s stuffed pup would have to do.

Going to round and finish post-op checks now.

Don’t rush, Maya’s here.

See you for pizza.

Crap, I forgot I’d ordered the pizza already. Between worrying about Finn and processing my beautiful moment with Maxie, it slipped my mind.

Good thing Maya stopped back, she could run downstairs to meet the delivery guy if Maxie and I didn’t make it back in time.

When I left her on the playground, Maya was upset she couldn’t go back to the hospital. She had a study group she needed to meet at the library. Poor girl, she probably couldn’t get her mind off Finn long enough to study, she was so rattled. The time with him would do her good.

Your favorite girls are eager to get back to our favorite boys. Xo

I shot back the quick message, put my phone back in my bag, and said to Maxie, “I have an idea. Since we have a few extra minutes, let’s take out Finny’s iPad and make him a special movie. And since Finn is missing Casey and it’s going to be hard for all these Ranger guys to make the trip, how about we make them the stars?”

“Casey?” she asked, giggling. “JuJu Mommy, you know how to make a movie?” I got stuck on
Mommy
and the fluttering in my heart until I felt the tap tap tap again.

Some grand idea, I hoped all I needed to do was hit record. “Well, you’re gonna help me, right?”

She was already on the floor stacking wooden blocks from Finn’s toy box and leaning his Power Rangers against them. They must have done this before.
Thank goodness
. I imagined myself trying to balance those damn little figurines. You breathed wrong and they toppled over. Forget the damage Casey’s tail would do.

“Ca---sey,”
she screamed excitedly after all the guys were lined up. Then she was up and running down the hall again. I unplugged Finn’s iPad from the charger and powered it up. Jeez, there were about a million videos to choose from. “I got him, JuJu,” she grunted, returning.

She sure had. Casey slid through the door on his haunches with Max’s fingers wrapped tightly around his collar.
Sorry, buddy.
I gave him the sympathetic anything-for-the-kids look, silently promising him an awesome treat at closing curtain.

Finn’s door slammed shut and her pointer finger began to shake. “No ‘scaping, Casey. We are making a movie and you are the star.”

I chuckled at her bossiness. Takes one to know one.

She hopped on the bed next to me and took over navigating the iPad. “I show you,” she quipped (yup, bossy), scrolling through and tapping play on one of the many movies.

Max’s gorgeous blue eyes came into focus as she belted out her favorite
Aladdin
tune.

A whole new world.
It most certainly was.