Accidentally in Love (12 page)

Tom pushed Cal down onto the couch, and Cal, not ready for the touching to stop, grabbed at Tom and pulled him down with him. “Sit with me.”

“Okay, okay.” Tom sounded amused. That was good.

Cal didn’t feel as drunk as he was acting, but being drunk was like that sometimes. “The room’s all
spinny
.” He curled up with his head in Tom’s lap, and felt Tom tense up, then slowly relax again.

“You are so drunk.” Hesitantly, Tom’s hand stroked Cal’s hair, and Cal sighed happily and closed his eyes.

“Mm, that’s nice.”

It was more than that. The room was dimly lit, a single lamp left burning in the corner, lending an intimacy to the situation even before Cal had taken sharing the couch to a new level. The alcohol he’d had in a relatively short space of time was affecting him, but he was exaggerating the effects just a little to get closer to Tom. It was probably something he should be ashamed of, but he wasn’t. Tom needed the excuse as much as he did. Cal wasn’t blind, and he knew when someone was attracted to him. Tonight, Tom had moved inside Cal’s personal space without realizing he was doing it and made himself at home there. The natural, unselfconscious way that Tom touched him, smiled down at him… It made Cal’s heart ache with something that went beyond lust or liking.

The tentative touch of Tom’s fingers should have been soothing, lulling Cal into a doze, but even as he closed his eyes with a contented sigh to give the illusion that he was drifting off, he was hyperaware of everything around him. The denim his cheek was resting against, warm from Tom’s body, was damp from his breath, redolent with Tom’s scent, indefinable, familiar now, but still arousing. Cal rubbed his face against Tom’s thigh, a small, involuntary caress, and was rewarded by a hitch in Tom’s breathing.

The next touch of Tom’s fingers was still light, as if Tom couldn’t believe that he was able to do this without Cal protesting. Each sweep of Tom’s fingers through Cal’s hair grew more confident. Cal found himself holding his breath, waiting for Tom’s hand to return at the end of each stroke, praying that Tom wouldn’t stop.

He was hard, an arousal so profound it left him shaken. Tom wasn’t doing anything but stroking his hair, lifting the strands away from Cal’s head and letting them fall, or dragging his fingertips through them, yet it was enough.

This meant something to Tom. That knowledge made Cal feel humbled and desperately afraid of fucking this up, hurting Tom. Even so, he couldn’t turn away. Not now.

“Don’t stop,” he said softly, and even that was enough to make Tom hesitate again. Cal was afraid to open his eyes, so he stayed perfectly still. After a few, very long seconds, Tom’s fingers began to stroke through his hair again.

Cal could feel his cock pressed hard against the front of his jeans, and he knew beyond a doubt that if he were to shift his head, he’d be able to feel that Tom was erect too. He couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to turn and undo Tom’s jeans, take out his cock and make him come. He could hear Tom’s startled cry at the first touch of his lips, taste Tom’s skin on his tongue.

“Tom?”

“
Hm
?” Tom’s fingertips slid through his hair again.

Taking a chance, Cal opened his eyes and turned his head. “I really like you.” He held his breath, waiting for Tom’s reply.

“I know that.” Tom sounded startled. “Look at everything you’ve done for me today.”

“No,” Cal said. “A friend would’ve done that too. I mean, I mean that I
like
you.”

“Cal…”

The doubt in Tom’s voice wasn’t strong enough to drown out the hope. Cal trusted his instincts and turned so that he was lying on his back, his head still propped on Tom’s knees.

“I’m not going to do anything you’re not ready for,” he said, staring up at Tom, “but if you wanted a birthday like mine usually are, they all end with me getting kissed.”

An unexpected glint of amusement appeared in Tom’s eyes, eyes that widened fractionally as he glanced down at the unmistakable shape of Cal’s erection. “I’m pretty sure they end with more than a kiss for you,” he said, his voice hoarse now. “Are you saying that’s what you had planned next for me? A kiss?”

“I am,” Cal said. “If it’s what you want.” His control broke, and he twisted, putting his mouth against the tempting shape of Tom’s cock hidden beneath a layer of denim, nuzzling it, kissing it fervently. “God, Tom, please.” He pulled back and stared blindly up at Tom’s face. “I want you so fucking much right now. Please.”

“Jesus. Cal. What the fuck are we doing?” Tom sounded shocked, enough that Cal pulled away and sat up.

The look on Tom’s face made him sick—like, literally sick—and he heard himself apologizing desperately. “Oh my God, Tom. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I won’t—I’ll never touch you again, I swear.” The idea of never touching Tom again was horrifying, but he’d figure out a way to do it. Even if he could never, ever have Tom the way he wanted to, he couldn’t possibly not have Tom in his life.

“Stop.” Tom held up a hand, then slowly reached out and took hold of Cal’s hand, which was so reassuring Cal thought he might cry. “I don’t want you not to touch me. I really, really want you to touch me. I just—this is too fast. You can’t tell me that you want me one minute and suck me off the next. I don’t work that way.”

Cal nodded. He would have agreed to anything in that moment. “I know. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Stop that too.” Tom gave him a severe look. “No more apologizing.”

“Okay.” Cal bit his lip.

“Stop doing that too,” Tom said with a groan.

“What? Whatever it is, I will. I mean I won’t—” Cal ran out of words and gave Tom a helpless look.

“Stop looking so goddamned
cute
,” Tom said. “I can barely cope with you being all kinds of hot, but if you throw in adorably appealing too, I’m toast.”

“I’m going to kiss you,” Cal warned him after working that through and deciding he’d just been handed a green light. “On the mouth, hands behaving themselves, no tongue.”

“Do those rules apply to me too?” Tom said, and okay, that was blatant flirting and deserved to be rewarded in every way Tom would allow.

Cal shifted closer, his gaze on Tom’s lips. He looked up into Tom’s eyes, and Tom was gorgeous and hopeful and so fucking sexy that a soft groan escaped Cal as their mouths finally met. He did his best to keep the kiss brief, but it ended up being at least twice as long as he meant it to be because it was just so hard to abandon Tom’s lips.

“Was that okay?” he asked.

Tom swallowed and nodded, his eyes wide. God, he was amazing. “Yeah,” he said, barely above a whisper. “Yeah, that was… Can we try that again?”

Like Cal would ever consider saying no. They were soon kissing again, slowly, taking their time. As much as he wanted to touch Tom, to run his hands over Tom's chest and pull him closer, he kept his hands on his own knees. “This is killing me,” Cal said. “I want to touch you so badly.”

“I want you to.” It was difficult to tell if that was permission or just something to say. “Can I…can I touch you too?”

“Yes. God, yes. Please.” Cal waited until Tom’s hand settled on his thigh before moving his own hand to grip Tom’s upper arm and shift him into a better position for the kind of kissing he had in mind.

Slow, sweet, slow… It was a kiss like a dance, an old-fashioned one, with a couple twirling gracefully across the floor, perfectly in time, their steps effortlessly performed. Tom might be new to kissing and being kissed, but he caught on quickly. It was his tongue that flicked at Cal’s first, his teeth that dug into Cal’s lip, a teasing bite that Cal encouraged, his hand sliding up to the back of Tom’s neck where the skin was sensitive.

He let Tom lead, never initiating, holding back and finding that he liked it that way. There was something so intoxicating about being there when Tom discovered he could make Cal shudder and press closer just by licking the corner of Cal’s mouth or get Cal swearing breathlessly by moving his hand a few inches higher to the top of Cal’s thigh.

“This is crazy,” he gasped, convinced he’d never been so hard in his life nor so thoroughly teased. It wasn’t easy to remember that this was as far as they were going, and that Tom didn’t mean to tease. “You’re driving me crazy. Jesus, I want to—and it’s okay, I know we won’t, but I can’t not say it, I
can’t
—I want to strip you bare and lick every inch of you.”

Tom groaned and tightened his hand at Cal’s waist. “Don’t. You make me want to let you.”

“It’s okay,” Cal told him, meaning it. “It’s okay for you to change your mind. And it’s okay for you not to. I’m serious. I want whatever you’re ready to give me. I just don’t want you to feel pressured.” He was pretty sure that pressure was the big reason why things hadn’t worked out between Tom and Joe, and the last thing he wanted was a repeat of that situation. It might kill him to wait until Tom was ready for more, but he’d wait.

He licked the edge of Tom’s ear and breathed warmly into it, fingers sliding under the edge of Tom’s shirt sleeve. Tom shivered, skin prickly with goose bumps.

“Does that feel good? Or is it too ticklish?”

“Only if we’ve started defining
ticklish
differently,” Tom said. “How can you doing that affect all of me? It’s like some erotic form of acupuncture.”

Cal snorted with laughter. “If you say so.” Focusing on Tom’s ear again, this time he bit gently at the soft lobe, tugging at it with his teeth before moving down to kiss and lick at Tom’s throat.

Tom made a noise that was close to a whimper, his eyes screwing tightly shut. “Yeah…that. Keep doing that.”

“Do it to me?” Cal said, making it a suggestion. He smiled invitingly, encouragingly. “Do anything you like. I’ll respect your limits. I don’t have any, or at least none that you’re likely to cross. If you want to try something on me, do it. If it gets too much, I’ll go and jerk off or something, I swear. I won’t push you.” Tom hesitated, and Cal raised his eyebrows. “You’ve got ideas, Tom. You have to have wondered about this, what you’d do if you were with someone.”

“Well, yeah, but they’re fantasies. You’re real.” Tom shook his head. “You’re drunk too. I can’t stand the thought of you waking up tomorrow and regretting this.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Cal considered whether or not to add the rest, then decided he’d chance it. “I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now. About you and me. And I know you think you’re the one jumping into the deep end for the first time, but this… It’s new to me too. Not the sex part, just…feeling about you, the way I do. I didn’t know I could.”

“Could what?” Tom had to know what Cal was talking about, but he looked confused.

“Could… Jesus, I don’t even know how to say it!” Overwhelmed, Cal stood abruptly and, because pacing seemed beyond his abilities just then, sat again. He took a deep breath and tried to find the right words. “I didn’t know I could feel like this. I never did before. It was always so simple: a guy was my type, and I went to bed with him.”

“Wham, bam, thank you, man,” Tom said drily, and Cal hastened to explain further.

“I never cared about any of them, not as more than a casual friend.” He took Tom’s hand in his and turned it over, interlacing their fingers. “I never wanted anything more than that.”

Tom didn’t look convinced. “And now you do?”

“With you?” Cal wasn’t sure he could say it, but he nodded. “I don’t just want to go to bed with you. You’re different. Better. I want more with you.”

“Hearts and flowers and a wedding night with me in white?” Tom said, still with that dry twist to his voice. “Look, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but all I’m getting is that you’re bored with easy sex, and I’m a novelty. I don’t want to be the virginal freak anymore, Cal. I want to have sex, and I guess you can see that from just looking at me. I’m one more ear nibble away from coming in my pants—but it’s going to be with someone I care about. I… Yeah, I’ve been falling for you. I won’t deny it, and God, I want to sleep with you, but when I do, I’ll be just like everyone else, and you’ll dump me.”

Tom stood before Cal could come up with an answer to that. He was honest enough to admit that looking at it all from Tom’s perspective, it was a reasonable conclusion to reach, no matter how much it hurt to hear that disillusioned tone in Tom’s voice.

“Thank you for today and tonight. It meant a lot to me,” Tom said with an oddly touching formality. “Now I’m going to bed.” He glanced down at his crotch, sighed, and shook his head ruefully. “I guess I talked myself down off the edge,” he murmured.

“I wish you hadn’t,” Cal said, standing too. “I wish there was something I could say to convince you that you aren’t just some—I don’t know—some kind of sex version of Mount Everest or whatever. You’re a lot more than that to me.”

“I want to believe that,” Tom said. “I just can’t get over the feeling that if I get what I thought I wanted, I lose you. That’s so screwed up, I can’t even go there. Not now. It’s late, I’ve had too much to drink to be making decisions, and…and it’s my birthday.”

Cal, aching and wanting, forced himself to put his hands into his pockets so he wouldn’t touch Tom. He shrugged and offered a half smile. “Happy birthday?”