After the Sky Fell Down (41 page)

“Everything’s not fine,” he concluded when he looked at her, seeing straight through her façade. 

He put his arm around her and she tried not to cringe.  His touch felt so good, so right, so why had she reacted to Luke that way?  How could she when Jace made her feel the way he did?  None of it made any sense.

“What happened?” he continued to prod. “Everything was fine.”

“It is fine,” she said and she sniffed, completely blowing her cover.

“No, it’s not,” he said flatly.

“I’m just having one of those moments where everything in the world sucks,” she said hoping it would appease him.  She’d been a basket case since the day he met her, so this shouldn’t surprise him.

“I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but…” he said and then paused. “I heard what you were saying to Sarah.”

She finally looked and met his eyes, mortified he’d heard her.

“You shouldn’t have been listening,” she said defensively.

“I wasn’t trying to, but I heard it when I came in to check on you,” he said as he rubbed her back with his fingertips.  “What you said, it’s not true.  Sarah does deserve you.”

She winced at his words because she didn’t believe it.

“She doesn’t deserve a dead father,” she said antagonistically, stepping away from him and placing Sarah back in the crib and walking quickly past Jace.  She went into her bedroom, knowing she couldn’t go into the living room like this.  Luke would see how much he’d affected her and she couldn’t have that. 

She stood in the middle of the room not knowing what to do, and even though Jace didn’t say anything, she knew the instant he’d stepped inside.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said, not bothering to turn around.  She was too embarrassed by how she’d treated him. 

She could hear him striding across the carpet and stopping behind her.  He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closely to his chest, dwarfing her by his tall frame, as he rested his chin on the top of her head.

“It’s okay,” he said softly.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you.  I just get so sad sometimes and I don’t know why,” she said, which was partially true.  She knew what had instigated this
latest round of distress: Luke.  But he wasn’t the only reason.  She still missed Ben so much and found it as difficult as ever to put her whole heart into her relationship with Jace, when her whole heart still belonged to Ben. 

“You don’t need to explain.  Just know that you’re an awesome mom.”

“Thanks,” she said turning so she was facing him.  She wrapped her arms around him and he did the same.  Being in his arms should’ve made everything alright, it should’ve erased everything Luke had said earlier and everything she’d felt, but all it did was make her even more confused.

“Do you wanna go back and finish the movie or would you rather call it a night?” he asked gesturing to the living room.

“If you don’t mind, I think I’m just going to go to bed,” she said, not wanting him to leave, but wanting to be alone at the same time. 

“Okay, sure,” he said, almost stuttering and she knew he was taken aback by her answer.
             

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“No.  Disappointed yes, but mad?  No,” he said, taking her hands in his. “Can I call you tomorrow then?”

“I’m counting on it,” she said as they walked to the front door.  Luke and Jessica were still sitting on the loveseat.  The movie was still playing, but they weren’t paying attention to anything but each other.

“I’ll see you later,” Jace said leaning in and kissing her before opening the door.

“Okay,” she said squeezing his hand and smiling at him.

“Bye Luke.  It was nice to meet you Jessica,” Jace said before he left.

“Later Jace,” Luke said not looking up from Jessica, while Jessica eeked out a quiet, “You too.”

“Bye Kathryn,” Jace said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek once more before turning and walking out.  She shut the door behind him, holding onto the knob a little longer than was normal as she sighed and mulled over the barrage of thoughts racing through her mind, before turning to walk back to her room.  Out of the corner of her eye, she couldn’t help but see Luke and Jessica, snuggling on the couch.  Jessica was giggling softly as Luke whispered something in her ear.  The whole scene made her nauseous and completely uncomfortable and in her own house even.  What made it even worse was that he didn’t even like Jessica.  He was just stringing her along, which was a total jerk thing to do, and unlike any move his brother would ever pull.  She just rolled her eyes and continued to her bedroom.

She quickly changed into a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt before heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.  She could hear Luke and Jessica chatting in the living room and she hoped that was all they would be doing. 

Once back in her room, she crawled under the covers and picked up the Jodi Picoult novel she was in the middle of and tried to read to keep her mind off of everything.  It was no use though.  Not even her favorite author could distract her from Jace and Luke…mostly Luke.  What a mess she was in…a mess she never would’ve predicted.  When Ben died, she thought her life was over.  Even with Sarah, part of her still felt empty because he was gone.  She never thought she’d care for anyone again.  She never thought she’d want to care for anyone again, but then Jace came along and showed her it might be possible.  It might be possible to love again, to keep part of Ben with her forever, while caring about someone else.  But then Luke changed everything.  He was her best friend, who, out of the blue, altered it all.  But then she thought about it.  Had it really been as unexpected as she made it out to be?  If she was honest, the answer was no.  The thing between them hadn’t just popped up.  It’d been there since Ben died.  Luke had been the strength she didn’t have.  He’d been there through everything.  He was always there whenever she needed him and she loved him.  She truly loved him…as a friend.  Yes, it was only a friend, she insisted to herself.  It couldn’t be as anything else, but then she closed her eyes and thought of his warm breath on her cheek and his arms around her.  And then her mind drifted back to that night…when they’d been together.  How for those moments, everything was okay again.  She had forced herself not to think of that night because if she allowed herself to remember, she might remember what it had felt like to be with him, and if she was honest, it had been amazing.  She couldn’t let it be amazing because it was Luke and she’d betrayed Ben with his brother of all people.  Her loneliness didn’t excuse her actions, but she’d wanted it, she’d wanted Luke and now she was paying for it.  She shouldn’t care that he was in the living room with that girl, who obviously didn’t have a brain in her head because she couldn’t see Luke was only using her.  But she did care and she cared that it bothered her because it shouldn’t.  They weren’t together.  They’d never be together.  They shouldn’t be together.

With frustration overwhelming her, she flung the book across the room so it banged against the wall with a thud and fell to the floor, bent and crumpled, just like she felt.  She turned on her side and when she saw Ben’s smiling face staring back at her, her eyes filled with tears again. She reached for the picture and clung tightly to it. 

“Why did you have to leave?” she whispered to him. “If you’d never left, everything would be okay.  I’m a mess.  My life’s a mess and I miss you.  I miss you so much.  Why’d you have to leave?  Why can’t you come back?”  She turned the picture around and stared down at it.  The smile hadn’t changed.  The smile would never change because he would never change because he was gone.  He was dead.  Dead.  So final a word, but it was the truth.  He wasn’t coming back.  He’d left her here alone.  He’d left her behind and he wasn’t coming back and she hated him for it. 

“I hate you!” she cried and before she knew what she was doing, the picture was flying across the room, crashing against the wall, and landing in a pile of shattered glass next to the book, which looked equally pathetic. 

She bolted up, staring at what she had just done.  She flung the covers back and shot from the bed, over to the mess on the floor.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I don’t hate you,” she cried grabbing the broken frame and dusting the pieces of glass off his face so quickly, she cut her finger.  She wiped the blood onto her sweats and continued cleaning off the picture.

“Kathryn,” Luke’s voice called urgently from the other side of the door. “Kathryn, are you okay?”

“Go away,” she cried.

“What happened?  Are you alright?” he persisted, knocking on the door.

“I’m fine.”

“I’m coming in,” he said and the door opened, but she reached out and tried to stop him by placing her hand on the door to block it, but he pushed through anyway and stopped when he found her huddled on the floor in a pile of glass.  And then his eyes saw what she was holding and he realized what she had done.

“I told you to go away and I meant it,” she growled at him.

“But Kathryn,” he said softly, the antagonistic air he’d exhibited all night was completely gone.

“I said to go away, so please just go,” she pleaded.

“I can’t.”

“Go!” she exclaimed.

Luke stood frozen at the door, looking down at her so sad and defeated…so like she used to look.  He hadn’t seen her like this since right after Ben died, but staring down at her, she looked even more lost.

“Kathryn…please,” he said quietly again.

“Just go away.  Please Luke.  Go away.  You wanted to a reaction from me, well, you got it, now just leave me alone,” she said, her voice finally calming again.

“But Kathryn, I didn’t mean to…” he continued.

“Just go Luke,” she pleaded and her hand reached up and gently pushed on the door, trying to shut it on him, until he finally relented and walked away. 

She looked around at the pathetic mess she was, sitting on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass, grasping the picture of her dead fiancé she’d just chucked across the room.  She held her breath, listening for Sarah.  Her room was still quiet.  Amazingly, she’d not woken up and Kathryn cringed knowing she’d fallen apart so suddenly with her daughter only a few doors away.  And then her eyes drifted back down to the picture.  How could she
have said those hateful words to Ben?

“I’m sorry.  I don’t hate you,” she whispered again, tracing the lines of his face, imagining what it would feel like to touch his skin again, to have him next to her, to hear his voice just one more time.  She sat staring at the picture, unable to look away, pushing the words
I’m sorry
over and over from her mind, hoping he could hear her. 

****

The glass was cleaned up as best she could without pulling out the vacuum cleaner and waking up Sarah. The apartment was dark and quiet and Kathryn was finally sleeping, the picture resting on the nightstand the best it could in its broken, glassless frame.  The sleep was deep and dreamless, the emotions of the night having exhausted her. 

Something stirred her though and her eyes fluttered open as she tried to focus on the dark room and she felt someone on the edge of the mattress.  Her eyes found a dim silhouette and she jumped in surprise.

“Did I scare you?” Luke’s voice cut through the darkness.

“Of
course you scared me,” she snapped, her heart pounding from the startle. 

“I’m sorry,” he said and the room grew quiet again.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked a few moments later, her voice curt, having not forgotten about everything that had happened between them lately.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I told you I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” he said reaching over and stroking her hair.  She wanted to swat his hand away, but it felt too good.

“I am.”

“Then why’d you chuck Ben’s picture across the room?” he asked bluntly.

She just ignored him and quickly turned on her other side so her back was facing him.  She didn’t even realize she was crying till she felt the wet pillow against her cheek.  The mattress moved and then she felt Luke beside her, spooned against her back, holding her as she cried.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he whispered into her ear. “I wish you didn’t have to miss him so much.  I wish you could be happy.”

“I am happy,” she said softly.

“You’re a terrible liar,” he continued as he gently rubbed her arm with his fingertips. “But I think you could be happy.”

“I’ll never be happy,” she returned.

“You will be,” he insisted and then she felt him kiss the top of her head as he continued stroking her arm for a moment before his hand reached up and brushed the hair
away from her neck.  His fingertips began tracing the line of her neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. 

“We can’t do this,” she said quietly.

“Do what?” he asked, his hand suddenly leaving her neck.

“This.  You and me.  We can’t.  It has to stop.”

“I’m just trying to help you. That’s all I want to do.”

“If you really want to help me, you’ll go and stop messing with my head.”