After the Sky Fell Down (19 page)

The room grew instantly silent and everyone was staring at her.  She didn’t care though.  It was the truth and she had to let them all know.  Even so, she hated the way they were all staring at her, the way they looked at her, the same way everyone had been looking at her since Ben died.

The silence was broken when the door swung open and Luke burst in.  He ignored everyone else in the room and rushed to her side. 

“Where’ve you been?” she asked, tears streaming down her face.

“I’m sorry.  I was out and I didn’t hear my phone.  I just got Lacey’s message and I rushed over.  I’m sorry,” he said, but she didn’t care anymore.  He was here and that was all that mattered.  She grabbed his hand and squeezed, their eyes meeting.  She instantly felt calmer and she suddenly wasn’t as scared. 

Chapter 18

She was so small, yet so perfect.  When the doctor placed her on Kathryn’s chest she was relieved and terrified at once.  But then she saw her face, her daughter’s face, and she was overcome with a feeling of love she never knew could be possible.  This little being, this perfect little creature, was hers…and Ben’s, and she loved her immediately.
The baby had cried and yelled as the nurses cleaned her off, but Kathryn had never heard anything so beautiful.  Even though she was only a few feet away as the nurses were working on her, Kathryn missed her. 

Her mom held one of her hands while Luke held the other, dabbing her forehead with a cloth.  He’d been so amazing during the birth, calm and supportive, just as he’d practiced in childbirth class. 

“You were great Kathryn.  I knew you would be,” he said softly.  She reached up and hugged him and they embraced for a few moments, before pulling back and hugging her mother.  All of her mom’s hesitation had vanished and she been nothing but encouraging and helpful during the birth.  The whole event had been a mix of excitement and controlled chaos.  The calm and quiet of the room now was the complete opposite. 

Kathryn was exhausted, but she didn’t want to sleep.  She couldn’t stop staring at her daughter, who lay swaddled in her arms.  She’d never felt anything as soft as her baby’s skin
or smelled anything so sweet.  She looked so peaceful, asleep in her own little world, unaware of how cruel the world she’d just entered could be. Kathryn wanted to shield her daughter from that pain and keep her as perfect as she was right now.

She looked up though when the door quietly opened and Luke walked in.  He and her mother h
ad gone out to the waiting room to
give an update to their families.  She knew they were all dying to see the baby, especially Sharon, but Kathryn wanted a little quiet time with her daughter before the parade of visitors began.

“Did you tell everyone?” she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the baby.

“Yeah.  I’m not sure how much longer my mom can wait,” he laughed, quietly pulling a chair up so he was at her side.

“Just a few more minutes,” Kathryn replied, gazing down at her daughter again.

Luke reached over and gently held the baby’s hand, his fingers dwarfing hers.

“Have you decided on a name yet?” he asked softly.

“Sarah,” she said with a smile, knowing it was the perfect name. 

“That’s pretty.  She looks like a Sarah,” Luke said stroking her cheek with his forefinger. “Little Sarah,” he smiled.

“I can’t believe she’s finally here,” Kathryn whispered, her eyes filling with happy tears.

“I know.
  She’s perfect,” he said as Sarah squirmed under his touch. “Who do you think she looks like?”

“I see Ben.  What do you think?”

“Yeah, but I see you too.  She’s got your pouty lips,” he smiled. 

“My lips aren’t pouty,” she laughed.

“Regardless, she’s beautiful, just like her mom,” he said and Kathryn felt herself blush.

“Mom.  I don’t think I’ll be able to get used to that.”

“Well Mom, you’d better try,” he said staring down at Sarah again. “It’s going to be strange getting used to uncle.”

“Wanna hold her Uncle Luke?”

“You don’t mind?” he asked, an anxious grin spreading across his face.

“Of course not.”

Luke stood and nervously started picking Sarah up.

“I feel like I’m going to hurt her or something,” he laughed nervously.

“That’s what I thought at first too, but you’re not going to hurt her,” she said encouragingly. “Don’t be scared.”

He just smiled uncertainly and finally scooped up Sarah.  He sat back down in his chair and cradled her closely in his arms.  He couldn’t stop staring at her, looking at her with such awe and amazement.  She felt almost as if she were intruding as she watched Sarah and her uncle. 
Sarah had opened her eyes and seemed to be staring at Luke.  The connection between them was almost palpable.  Kathryn saw a tear streak down his cheek and then he pulled Sarah even closer and whispered something in her ear, which Kathryn couldn’t hear.  It was only meant for Luke and Sarah.  For a moment, Kathryn could’ve sworn it was Ben holding the baby.

“I wish Ben could see her.  I wish he was here,” Luke said, finally breaking his gaze
from Sarah and looking back to Kathryn.

“Me too,” was all she could say. 

“I’m sure he is here though,” he said looking back to his new niece. 

“You want to hear something weird?” she asked and he nodded. “You can’t laugh at me though.”

“I won’t laugh.”

“Well,” she began and her eyes started filling with tears again as her mind drifted back to the birth. “You might think this sounds stupid, but…I think I felt him here…in the room.”

She got quiet and looked away, wiping her eyes, wishing Ben had really been with her, not just a figment of her imagination.

“He
was
here.  He was with both of you.  I know it.”

Kathryn smiled back at him, knowing he was right and Luke smiled and then gingerly placed Sarah back in her
mother’s arms. 

“Can I go get my mom now?  I really think she’s going to burst if she’s not allowed in soon,” he joked, but Kathryn knew he was right.

“Yeah, go ahead,” she said with a smile.  It was time for Sarah to meet her family.

****

Sharon’s excitement could hardly be contained when she saw Sarah nestled in Kathryn’s arms.  She came over to Kathryn’s side and stared down at the perfect little baby, who was wrapped in the yellow blanket that had once swaddled a newborn Ben.  Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at her granddaughter, so small, so perfect, so full of life…her son’s life.

“She looks exactly like Ben did as a newborn,” Sharon said, her voice cracking.

“I see him in her too,” Kathryn said quietly. “Do you want to hold Sarah?”

“Sarah’s her name?” Sharon asked.
“I love it.”  She reached down and took the baby into her arms.  Sharon sat down in the chair next to the bed and held her tightly to her and began speaking softly to Sarah. “You are perfect and you look just like your daddy.  He loves you so much, don’t ever forget that.  He’ll always be with you.”  Sharon’s voice was weak now. “I’m going to tell you all about your daddy.  We’ll look at pictures and we’ll read his favorite stories.”  She leaned down and kissed Sarah’s head, keeping her eyes closed a little longer, almost as if she were imagining she was kissing Ben.

“Sharon?” Kathryn said quietly and Sharon’s eyes looked over to her. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay. Please don’t worry about it.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled,” she said becoming teary eyed. “But it just seemed to really hit me that Ben was goin
g to miss out on her being born and that he’s going to miss out on everything in her life and I’ve got do this all by myself.”

“You don’t have to do this by yourself.  We’re all here and we’re going to do this together.”  Sharon smiled warmly and then leaned down and hugged her and Kathryn knew Sharon understood.

The rest of the immediate family, Scott, Allie, Dom and Val were waiting patiently for their time with the baby.  They all knew Sharon needed some time with Sarah, but were eager as well.  Kathryn knew there were members of Ben’s extended family in the waiting room too.  Everyone wanted to see the newest member of the Bradley family, especially one that was half Ben. 

She was happy for the small, intimate room though, even though she knew it wouldn’t last.  Her life was going to be very different from now on.  Her life was going to revolve around Sarah and she was okay with that.  She looked around the room and all eyes were on the baby.  She was already loved so much.

Chapter 19

The house was quiet.  Sarah was finally asleep. She’d been screaming for the last hour and nothing Kathryn did seemed to calm her.  She’d tried feeding, a diaper change, rocking, singing, dancing, everything, but finally she’d just worn herself out and fallen asleep.  The baby was now dozing peacefully in her crib and Kathryn was ready to crash and it was only nine o’clock.

Sarah was three
months old now and Kathryn loved everything about her.  The sounds she made while sleeping, the light in her eyes and how much she reminded her of Ben every day.  None of this could save her from the exhaustion though.  Waking up every couple of hours to feed Sarah had definitely taken its toll and every time the baby cried out, she was reminded that Ben was gone and couldn’t help her.  Luke was a big help, but he wasn’t Ben.  When she watched Luke’s puffy eyes in the middle of the night when she knew he should be sleeping, she was overcome with guilt.  Ben’s 18-year-old brother should be out getting drunk and acting like a stupid college kid, not getting woken up at 2am by his screaming niece.  He’d done it without complaint though. Sometimes he didn’t wake up, which Kathryn was okay with, even though the selfish side of her wanted Luke there every time to keep her company.  Sometimes she forced him to go back to bed, which he would do reluctantly, but each time, she would crawl back to her bed, wishing someone was there beside her, that Ben was beside her.  And each time Sarah cried, she wished just once someone would say to her, “Don’t worry about it. I got this one.  You go back to sleep.”  Neither of these things was going to happen though because Ben was gone and she couldn’t expect anyone else to do it because Sarah was no one’s responsibility but her own. 

She loved living with Luke, but she wondered sometimes if she should’ve moved back in with her parents how they’d wanted her to.  It would’ve been easier that way.  Her mom would’ve been there to answer all her questions.  She’d know exactly what to do.  There would be no guessing or late night phone calls to her mom because she’d be there.  She sometimes wondered about this and tonight was one of those times. 

Frustrated tears clogged her eyes and she lay flat on her bed.  Her sweatpants were too warm and her white t-shirt had seen better days.  It was covered in spit up and she hadn’t found the energy to change it.  She’d barely managed to get in a shower and she wondered when she’d given up.  She’d never been like this, but then again, she’d never been a single mom. 

The front door clicked open as she was lost in her thoughts and Kathryn could hear feet, she assumed belonged to Luke, shuffling in and then down the hallway.  She hoped it was Luke anyway.  She was too exhausted to get up and check if it was a burglar and truthfully, she didn’t care.

“Hey,” he whispered as he stood in the doorway of her room. “Is Sarah sleeping?”

“Yes.  Finally,” Kathryn groaned, staring over to him.  He was looking down at her and from this angle she couldn’t help but think he looked a little strange, but then again, it could be the fatigue warping her mind. 

“Uh-oh.  That doesn’t sound good,” he said stepping into the room and walking towards her.  “Rough night?”

She didn’t say anything, just nodded and looked away as her eyes became warm with tears again as the frustration from the evening washed over her.  Now that Luke was here and she had another adult to talk to, she was feeling overwhelmed.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Luke asked as he sat down on the edge of the mattress. 

She shook her head from side to side, but didn’t say anything.

She was going to say ‘nothing’, but instead a huge sniffle that sounded more like she was choking came out instead.  She found the breath escaping her as her eyes stung even more.  She didn’t want to burden Luke.  She wanted the pain and frustration to go away, but the moment he walked in, she felt a weight lift from her and she knew it was okay to not be okay anymore. 

“Kathryn, what happened?” Luke encouraged again as he rested his hand on her arm.

“Sarah wouldn’t stop crying.  She just wouldn’t stop and I was just so overwhelmed and I was alone.  I wanted Ben here to help me, but he wasn’t and he’s never going to be.  We loved each other.  He was part of me and now he’s just… gone,” Kathryn finally managed to say as her eyes became even heavier with tears as she choked up and her voice began to rise as the words came spilling out of her mouth.  “He wasn’t supposed to die!  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  Ben is supposed to be here right now.  He should be sitting here with me, not you!  We were supposed to get married and raise Sarah together and have a perfect life because we were perfect…we were perfect together and now he’s gone and nothing’s perfect.  Nothing’s ever going to be perfect again because he’s not here anymore and I just don’t know what to do without him.  Everywhere I turn, he’s there.  No matter what I do, I see him and then I realize all over again that he’s not coming back.  Every time I look into Sarah’s eyes, I see his eyes and it’s like he dies all over again.  No matter how hard I wish or pray, there is nothing I can do to bring him back and I’m supposed to move on and take care of Sarah by myself.  I’m supposed to grieve and get over it and move on with my life, but I can’t.  I just can’t do it because he’s not here but I’m here and he’s not and I just…it’s like I’m going crazy,” she cried knowing she wasn’t making any sense as her words started to sound like babble.  She covered her face with her hands as her chest heaved with grief.