After the Sky Fell Down (17 page)

“Hey. 
What are you doing here?” she asked once she’d opened the door as he stood in the pair of black slacks and white shirt and tie he’d worn under his red graduation gown, which was now folded over his arm.

“I thought I’d come by and say hi,” he said stepping past her into the living room, which belonged to him as well for all intents and purposes.

He draped the gown over a chair and turned to look at her.  She couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked.

“Why aren’t you with your friends?” she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and began loosening his tie. 

“I’d rather be with you,” he said simply and Kathryn felt a smile forming on her face.  Since Ben died, Luke was one of the few people she wanted around.  He was practically her best friend
now and as much as she knew he should be with his friends celebrating, she was glad he was here with her.

“Are you sure Luke?  You may never see any of these people again.”

“If they’re worth staying in contact with, we’ll find a way to stay connected,” he said with a half-smile.

They were quiet then and walked over to the couch, sitting down side by side.  His eyes focused on the plate of crumbs and the bowl of dried soup and raised a
curious eyebrow at her. “Trashing the place already?”

“You’re not one of those crazy neat freaks, are you?  Because if you a
re, you should’ve disclosed that information before I agreed to move in with you.”

“No, I’m not a neat freak, but I will clear your plate for you,” he said standing up and gathering the dishes. 

“You don’t need to do that,” she insisted, beginning to stand up, but he turned and put his hand on her shoulder, gently urging her back down to her seat.

“Just let me, okay?  You deserve a little help sometimes,” he said and she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was telling her if Ben was still here, he’d be doing these kinds of things for her, simple things that made her life just a little bit easier.

“Thanks,” was all she said quietly as he walked into the kitchen.

She heard the dishes clank in the sink and then fumbling through the kitchen.  A few minutes later he was making his way back to her
holding two bowls.  He sat down next to her, handing her one of them.  She looked down to find a mound of chocolate chip mint ice cream, her favorite, which she always kept in the freezer, drizzled in Hershey’s syrup. 

“This is just what I needed,” Kathryn said, taking a spoonful and allowing it to melt in her mouth, the chocolate pieces bursting on her tongue.

“Yeah, you looked like you could use a bowl,” Luke said taking a bite. “I remember seeing you and Ben devour this stuff.”

“He was convinced he didn’t like it when I first made him try it, but then he ended up loving it as much as I do.”

“Or maybe he just told you that,” Luke said slyly.

“No he didn’t.  He loved it,” Kathryn insisted.

“He probably loved it to make you happy.  You could always get him to do whatever you wanted him to.”

“Could not,” she la
ughed through a mouthful of ice cream.

“Um yeah, you could.  Remember when he started growing his hair out because you thought he might look good with it longer and he looked like a complete idiot?  It grew out rather than down, kinda like a Q-Tip.”

They both started laughing and Kathryn couldn’t get the image of Ben and his puffy hair out of her mind.

“Yeah, that was pretty funny,” she said when she’d composed herself. “And I’m the first to admit that I was totally wrong on that subject.  You and Ben are definitely short hair kinds of guys.”

“Well, he only did it because he was crazy about you.  He would’ve done anything for you,” Luke said, his voice becoming suddenly quiet. 

Ka
thryn looked over at his sad face and knew every word he said was true.  Ben had been crazy about her and would’ve done anything for her, but the truth was, she would’ve done the same for him. 

Then Luke turned and looked at her again, the left side of his mouth curling up into a smile.

“Ya know, I used to resent you for taking my brother away.”

She felt a knot form in her stomach.  She’d never thought about it.  From the moment they started dating, it had always been she and Ben, side by side, constantly.  Selfishly, she’d never given much thought to his life before she’d been a part of it, namely how her relationship with Ben had affected Luke’s relationship with his brother.

“Luke…I um…I…” she stuttered not knowing what to say in response.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he said placing his hand, which was still cold from holding the ice cream bowl, over hers. “I said I
used
to resent you.  That was a long time ago.”

“I’m sorry Luke,” she said apologetically.

“It’s okay.  I got over it pretty quickly when I realized how happy you made him, because you really did.  You guys were actually kind of sickening how perfect your relationship was.  It was like something out of a movie.”

“Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” Kathryn said solemnly, knowing it was the truth.  Since Ben’s death, it was easy to forget about the hard times and only remember the good ones.  In her mind, she onl
y remembered it as being perfect.

“Well, you fooled everyone then, because it seemed pretty damn perfect.  I guess I was a little jealous actually.”

“Jealous?  Of what?” she asked curling up her lip in question.

“I don’t know.  I wasn’t jealous of you or him.  I guess I was kinda jealous you had each other and you seemed to fit so well together.  I think I want that kind of relationship.”

“And what kind of relationship would that be?” she inquired.

“You guys were just so relaxed with each other.  You didn’t even have to try.  You just worked.”

“We did have to try.  Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” she said, her mouth curling into a frown before she continued. “We broke up once.”

“You did?” he asked surprised.

“We did.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“No one did.  It was only for a couple of days, but then we came to our senses.”

“Why’d you break up?” he prodded.

“Stupidity.  I got jealous of some girl.  It was really dumb,” she said shaking her head, realizing she’d missed out on two extra days with Ben.

“But see, you guys worked it out and you were so good with each other.”

Kathryn smiled, knowing he was right.  Despite their obstacles, they had been good together.

“You’ll find that Luke.  I know you will.  If you treat girls anywhere close to the way your brother did, you’ll find it.”

“I hope you’re right,” he said scraping the last of the ice cream out of his bowl. “I’m just tired of hanging out with shallow girls.  I can’t stand them half the time.  Give me a girl with some substance.”

“We do exist, I assure you,” she smiled.

“Yeah, too bad my brother found you first,” Luke laughed nudging her in the ribs.  She knew he was just being playful, but she blushed anyway. “You done with that?” he asked gesturing towards her ice cream bowl.  She nodded and Luke stood up and took the dirty dishes to the kitchen, returning a moment later. 

“So you’re all done with high school.  How does it feel?” Kathryn said leaning back on the couch.  Luke did the same and began unbuttoning his shirt.  He let it lay open, exposing his white undershirt.

“I’m excited.  I’m kinda scared though.”

“That’s expected.  College is great though.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” he agreed.

“You won’t be saying that when you’re stuck with a crying baby keeping you up and away from your studies,” Kathryn laughed and turned her head to Luke who just smiled supportively.

“I won’t mind at all.”

The room grew quiet and the sound of the TV seemed to get louder.  The silence didn’t bother Kathryn.  It was comfortable, just like it’d been with Ben.

“So, I’m sure this wasn’t how you anticipated spending your gradation night,” she began. “Sitting around with your brother’s pregnant girlfriend eating ice cream and watching crappy TV.”

“Well, I never anticipated my brother dying either, so I guess you’ve gotta go with the flow,” Luke said softly and the room got unnervingly quiet. 

The TV that had seemed so loud only a moment before now seemed to completely disappear.  Kathryn’s eyes lowered to the ground and she felt them growing warm with tears.  She’d never anticipated any of this.  Even in her worst nightmares she couldn’t have fathomed this was how her life would turn out: alone, pregnant, and completely lost.  She wiped her eyes and then Luke turned to face her.

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said that,” he said.

“Don’t be sorry.  You’re only being honest,” Kathryn said as her hand found its way to her stomach as if trying to shield her baby from the truth.

“How have you been feeling lately?  I’ve been so busy with my finals and getting ready for graduation I feel like I haven’t seen you much.”

“I’m hanging in there,” she said not wanting to burden him with the truth, which was that she was sad and tired most of the time.

“You look great,” he said encouragingly and Kathryn started laughing.

“I look like a whale.”

“No you don’t.  What is it they say about pregnant women?  That they glow?” he asked and she nodded. “Well, you’re glowing.”

She felt herself blush again.  She knew Luke was just trying to be nice, but it still felt good to hear it from somebody.

“Are my feet glowing?” she asked, lifting them up and resting them on the coffee table. 

Luke’s eyes got wide and she cracked up again.

“Do they hurt?” he ask
ed, his face grimacing as he poked one of her ankles.

“Kind of.  They remind me of Fred Flintstone’s feet, what do you think?” she asked staring down at the swollen pink messes, that used to be her feet.

“Yes, very Flintstone like,” he laughed as he continued to look at them. “They really look uncomfortable.”

“They’re not fun,” she grinned, trying to make the best of her changing body. “Only about two more months to go though.  I’m sure I’ll make it.”

“Let me rub them for you,” Luke said offered.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” she said, although the thought of a foot massage sounded heavenly. 

“You didn’t ask me.  I offered.”

“Luke…” she protested.

“I give killer foot rubs and you really look like you could use one,” he said looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.

She stared back at him, knowing he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to help.  Her feet did hurt though.  They’d been aching and they were practically begging her to take him up on his offer.

“Okay,” she agreed timidly.

Luke bent down and pulled her feet onto his lap while Kathryn made herself comfortable stretching perpendicular
to him on the couch.  He began rubbing his hands vigorously like Mr. Miagi in
The Karate Kid
.

“You’re such a dork,” she laughed.

“I don’t want to freeze your tootsies,” he smirked back, reminding her of Ben and how goofy he could be, then began to rub her tired feet.  She closed her eyes, trying to stifle a low moan, but couldn’t stop it.  “Feel good?” Luke asked as he continued to knead her feet. She nodded, her eyes still closed.  His hands felt so good, it was almost painful.  He massaged slowly and carefully, paying close attention to her arch and heels and squeezing each toe individually.  She could feel the pain and the tension melting away with every touch.  She hadn’t been this relaxed since before Ben died and her eyes began to fill with tears, which fell silently and undetected until she sniffed, trying to compose herself. She was so tired of crying all the time. Luke’s hands stopped rubbing and she felt his eyes fix on her, even though hers were closed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked and she finally opened her eyes, which were now as red and swollen as her feet. 

“He should be rubbing my feet, not you.  He should be eating ice cream with me, not you.  He should be moving in with me, not you,” she choked out through the lump in her throat. “You’re not him.”

She grabbed a pillow from the couch and buried her face in it as she began to sob.  She’d been holding up pretty well recently, but she was having one of those moments where his death felt as fresh as it had seven months ago.  The loneliness felt as if she were carrying a sack of bricks on her back and her stomach felt hollow, knowing the little girl growing inside would always be fatherless.  As she cried, she felt Luke pull her close, wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m not trying to be him,” he whispered in her ear as he stroked her hair. “I only want to be here for you Kathryn.  I want to make sure you’re okay and that your baby’s okay.”

She took a few deep breaths and removed the pillow from her face and looked up into his vacant eyes.  He was hurting too.  They were both hurting, but they seemed to hurt better together.

“I’m sorry Luke. I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I just…I just miss him so much  and as much as I love this baby, I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I wasn’t having her because it’s not going to be easy and every day I’ll remember she won’t know her dad.  I just want him here to share in this.  I wanted him there to hold my hair back when I had morning sickness in the beginning.  I want him here to rub the lotion on my stomach at night, to talk to the baby, to rub my feet when I’m tired or get rid of the ache in my back, or simply tell me I’m beautiful when I’m feeling like a gross, fat pig.  I know it sounds trivial, but being pregnant is not as easy emotionally as I thought it was going to be and if I ever needed Ben, it’s now,” she said softly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I need him Luke, and he’s not here.”