After the Sky Fell Down (52 page)

“Luke, it’s complicated.  I…I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if the feelings I have are because of you or because your Ben’s brother and you remind me of him sometimes.  I just don’t know,” she sighed shaking her head, not wanting the conversation to go this direction. 
              “But there are feelings there,” he stated.

She sighed but didn’t say anything.

“I just want you to know my feelings are genuine Kathryn.  I feel the way I do because I’m in love with you, not because you were my brother’s girlfriend or because being with you reminds me of how things were when he was alive, but I’m not going to beg you to love me anymore.  I’m not that pathetic.I’ve shown you how I feel about you.  I’ve done everything I can for you.  I told you how I feel, but if you can’t even consider you feel the same way, I respect that and I’ll leave you alone.”

“I don’t want you to leave me alone,” she said reaching for his hand, but he pulled back the instant their skin touched.

“Don’t,” he said briskly. “Things can’t go back the way they were.  I thought they could, but they can’t.  I’ll always be there for Sarah because I love her.  Even if she were my own daughter I don’t think I could love her more, but you and me, well…” he said cautiously. “Things just can’t ever be the same.”              

She knew he was right.  She didn’t want him to be right, but he was.  Nothing could be the same, not after everything they’d shared. 

“I’m sorry Luke.  It kills me to hurt you and I know you don’t believe me, but it hurts me too because I want everything back how it was.  You’re my best friend and I can’t just let you go.  I’ve lost too much and I can’t lose you too.”

“You’re going to be fine.  Y
ou’ve got everything you need.”

She felt her eyes grow warm knowing she was hurting him so much and as she wiped them dry, he stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked looking up at him, not wanting him to go.

“I think we’ve said everything we need to say.  I’ve got to get some studying done and I’m sure you’ve got places to go,” he said with a bitter edge to his voice as if everything that had happened between them was just
a memory.

“Luke, please,” she begged. “Please don’t leave things this way.  You can’t leave me again.”

“I don’t want to.  That’s the last thing I want to do, but I just…I just…” he stuttered, running a hand through his hair and then shook his head, not finishing his sentence.

He turned around and Kathryn
watched him fade into the darkness as she blinked and the tears spilled down her face as she buried her head in her hands and sobbed quietly.

Chapter 51

Kathryn stared curiously at the envelope in her hand.  She had been surprised to see it sitting in the mailbox, addressed in shaky black ink and a return address label with the name
Valma Bradley
on it.  She sat on the couch and carefully opened it, making sure not to rip anything.  The letter was written on simple pink stationary and her eyes found the same aged handwriting scrawled across the paper that had been on the front of the envelope and she began reading:

Dear Kathryn,

I realized after seeing you the other night I should have written this letter long ago.  We all suffered a great loss when Ben died, but your loss is different than all of ours.  Ben is my family, my grandson and when he died I’ve never felt such loss and pain.  Watching my grandchild leave this earth was nothing I could have ever prepared myself for and seeing the agony my son and Sharon endured as they buried their child was a pain I would never wish on my worst enemy.  He’ll always be the little boy I held in my arms and read bedtime stories to.  He’ll always be the little boy who had me wrapped around his finger. He’ll always be the little boy whose smile melted my heart.  He’ll always be a part of me, my flesh and blood, and nothing will ever change that.  But to you, Ben was the man you loved, the man you planned to marry and share a life with, the father of our beautiful Sarah.  He was taken from all of us too soon.  But, you’ve suffered in a way that most people don’t understand, but I do.  You’re not alone in this. 

None of us will ever understand why Ben passed away, but I do know it was all part of God’s plan, even if we don’t understand it.  There is a reason for everything, and although we may never know those reasons, rest assured nothing happens by chance.  Ben’s time on earth was done.  He’d accomplished all that he needed to and God needed Ben more with him than we needed him with us.

I could see the struggle in your eyes when we were all together reflecting on Ben’s life.  You have had to struggle with the guilt of letting go and moving on.  Do you hang onto him, loving his memory or do you move on and risk betraying his memory?  I want you to know that it is okay to move on and find happiness.  It is what you deserve and it is what Ben would want.  Our family understands and we respect your decisions.  We want you to be happy and find peace in your heart.  I know you will always love Ben and I know he will always love you, but it’s time to
let go and find peace.  We will always love you and be grateful to you for the love you showed to Ben during his short time on earth and we will forever treasure the little girl you and Ben share.  Ben died loved and content and I am certain he treasures the time he had with you and holds onto it wherever he is.

I hope this letter finds you well and helps you to know we understand you need to move on.  It’s what you deserve. 

Love always,

Grandma Val

Kathryn sat staring down at the letter, unsure what to make of it.  She knew she didn’t need the Bradley’s approval, but knowing she had it lifted a burden from her heart she didn’t even know had existed. 

****

Kathryn hadn’t been to Dom and Val’s house in ages, but it looked exactly as she remembered.  The small white ranch-style house was decorated for Christmas, with icicle lights covering the gutters and a small nativity scene on the brown lawn.  A holly wreath hung from the door and she hoped they were home as she knocked.  As she waited, she didn’t realize she was holding her breath until the door opened and she finally exhaled when she was greeted by the slight frame of Val. 

“I got your letter,” she said holding up the envelope without waiting for the old woman to say anything.

“Come inside,” Val said with a smile.

Kathryn walked into the small house.  It smelled like a mixture of peppermint and coffee.  A small Christmas tree stood in front of the living room window and two stockings hung from the mantle on the fireplace and Kathryn smiled at the thought of two grandparents hanging their stockings as if they were still children.

Val led Kathryn into the kitchen and they sat down in the small corner breakfast nook.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, thank you,” Kathryn replied and Val sat down across from her.  They stared at each other for a moment and Kathryn didn’t quite know what to say.

“How are you?” Val finally said breaking the silence.

“I’m okay. 
Thank you for this,” she said nodding toward the letter.

“I’m sorry I didn’t write it sooner. 
After I saw you at Scott and Sharon’s, I knew it was long overdue,” Val said with regret in her voice.

“What you said…it means a lot.”

“I hope you know I meant every word.  I know how much you are struggling with what to do with your life.  You love Ben.  You will always love him, but you want to move forward with your life too and you feel that if you do that, you’ll be forgetting him…that you’ll be betraying him.”

“That’s exactly how I feel.”

“Now, let’s talk about Jace,” Val said and by her tone, Kathryn knew she wasn’t being accusatory. “Does this new young man make you happy?”

“Yes, he did
, but it’s complicated,” she said hesitantly and Val looked at her curiously. “Jace broke up with me because of everything and…Luke and I…things have been…we’ve grown so close.”

Val nodded as if she knew what Kathryn was trying to say.

“I’ve noticed how close you and Luke are.”

“You must think I’m horrible,” she said shaking her head and staring at the tabletop.

“I don’t.  Not at all.  Luke’s a wonderful boy and he adores you and Sarah.”

“He does.”

“And how do you feel about him?” she asked.

“I don’t know.  He’s Ben’s brother.
I can’t have feelings for him,” she said nervously.

“Why not?”
Val asked bluntly.

“Because he’s Ben’s brother,” she repeated.

“But he’s not Ben,” Val said, her mouth forming into a serious line.

“I know,” Kathryn whispered.

“Do you only have feelings for him because he’s Ben’s brother or is it because of who he’s proven himself to be?”

“I don’t know.  I really don’t know.I’m so confused.  Between him and Jace, I don’t know what to do.”

“Only you can decide that,” Val said placing her hand over Kathryn’s and they were quiet for a few moments. “But whatever conclusion you come to, just remember you should be happy.  The past is the past.  You can’t change anything.  All you can do is try and be happy.”

“I can’t be happy because I can’t move past Ben.  I can’t let him go,” she admitted.

“I understand how hard it is…to let go,” Val said quietly and when Kathryn looked up at her wrinkled eyes, they looked heavy as they stared down at the tabletop, as if she truly did understand.

“How?  How do you know?” Kathryn asked quietly and then Val seemed to hesitate.

“Because I’ve been in your shoes,” she softly said as she looked up and they locked eyes.

“What?” Kathryn exclaimed quietly, unable to hide the surprise in her voice as Val stood up and walked over to the secretary desk in the entryway.  Kathryn could hear her rifling through papers and a few moments later, she sat down and handed her an old photograph.  Kathryn looked down at the black and white picture of a young woman with curly blonde hair and a young man in a navy uniform.  She glanced from the picture to Val and determined
the girl in the picture was her, but she was confused as she realized the boy in the picture was not Dom.

“Dom was not my first husband,” Val began slowly and Kathryn sat straight up, intrigued by the story she knew she was about to hear. “I was married before.  His name was Joseph Kenney.  Joe was my older brother’s friend and I’d known him since I was a little girl, but when I was sixteen, he stopped looking at me like a little sister and we fell in love and we were married a couple of years later when I was eighteen and he was twenty-one.  We were married in October of 1941, just two months before the United States entered World War II.  When he heard about the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the U.S. declared war, Joe immediately enlisted in the Navy.  After hearing about all the sailors that had been killed and how the Pacific fleet had been devastated, he wanted to help rebuild it.  He quit his job at the mill and left for basic training a month later in Newport, where he volunteered for submarine duty.  I told him he was crazy, but he said since New England was the birthplace of submarines, then as a New Englander he wanted to serve on them,” she said, her voice growing deeper and more stern as if she were impersonating Joe. “Six weeks later he was on his way to New London as part of the crew of the USS Grunion.  It was a brand new submarine and our whole family was able to attend the
commissioning ceremony in Connecticut.  I can still see him standing topside in his dress uniform. I was so proud of him and he looked so handsome in his uniform,” Val said pausing for a moment and when Kathryn looked up, she saw Val was smiling and her mind had been transported back to 1942 when she was still young and still married to Joe. “After the commissioning, he was able to come home for a week.  The week passed too quickly and then he was back in New London and in May, he left for the Pacific.  I didn’t hear a word from him until the end of June when he was finally able to call me from Hawaii where they’d ported.  Even though that conversation took place over sixty years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday…because it was the last time I ever spoke to Joe,” she said, her voice trailing off until she was silent.

Kathryn stared at Val as her heart pounded and ached for the old woman.  She took Val’s hand in hers, recalling the familiarity of it from the night they’d held hands in the hospital when Ben died.

“What happened to him?” Kathryn asked softly.

“We…the families I mean, had no idea anything was wrong until the beginning of October.  The boat was overdue and we were finally told it was assumed lost.  But, it wasn’t until November that we received word that the navy had given up its search for the sub.”

“Oh my gosh,” Kathryn said cupping her hand to her mouth as she imagined the entire crew going down with the ship and she felt sick to her stomach. “What happened?”

“No one knows.  The Navy has no idea why it sank and it wasn’t until only a few years ago that the wreckage was found, but there are still no answers as to what happened.”

“So, you never…he never…” Kathryn said shuttering at the thought of Joe being lost at sea.