After the Sky Fell Down (53 page)

“He never came home,” Val said looking into her eyes, and Kathryn could see the pain was still fresh.

“What did you do?”

“I was in denial for a long time.  I was certain there was a mistake.  There was no way Joe was dead.  I wasn’t even nineteen and I was a widow.  I waited for him to walk through the door every night.  With no body to confirm it, I wouldn’t accept it, but then he was declared officially dead and when I received my survivor benefits, I knew he wasn’t coming back.”

Kathryn thought of her own inability to accept the fact that Ben wasn’t coming back and she had seen his lifeless body lying in the casket at the church.  It must have been so much harder for Val to come to grips with her loss since she never had any physical proof that Joe was really gone.  Her delusions of him walking through the door like in a Hollywood movie could have been realistic.  Kathryn had those delusions even though she had irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

“How did you move on?”

“I didn’t for a long time.  I tried to, but I was so devastated by losing Joe that every time I thought about ever loving someone again, I felt as if I was betraying him.  Does that sound familiar?” Val asked meeting Kathryn’s eyes and she nodded. “But then, I met Dom.  It was 1945 and the war had just ended.  He had just returned from his own stint in the service.  He was so kind and patient and he accepted me and my past and he helped me realize it was okay to move on and live my life and I’m so glad I did, because if I hadn’t, there would be no Scott, and of course, there would be no Ben,” she said smiling at Kathryn and squeezing her hand. “And there would be no Sarah and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.”

“Do you still think about him…about Joe?” she asked nervously.

“Of course I do.  I think about Joe every day.”

“Do you ever think about what your life would’ve been like had he survived?”

“I used to, but not anymore because I know now that wasn’t the path my life was supposed to take.  What I have done is take what I learned from that part of my life and apply its lessons to my life now.  Never take anyone for granted, always tell those people you care about what they mean to you, and don’t live in the past.”

“Do you still love him?” Kathryn asked as a lump formed in her throat, afraid to hear the answer. 

“Yes, I still love Joe.  Part of me will always love him.  The heart never runs out of room to love and a piece of my heart will always belong to Joe because he helped make me into the person I am today.”

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief as she heard Val’s answer.  Val had moved on, but she hadn’t left Joe behind and she had never stopped loving him. Maybe she could move on too without forgetting about Ben and what he had meant to her.  Maybe she could live a full and happy life too.

“I had no idea about any of this.  Ben never told me,” Kathryn finally said.

“I’m not even sure Ben knew about Joe.  I wasn’t trying to hide it, but it’s not something I went around broadcasting.  I had learned to move on and be happy, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to talk about it, so I didn’t, but that was my choice.  That doesn’t h
ave to be yours,” Val said and then sighed as she looked away. “And I’m sorry for not sharing this with you sooner.”

Kathryn took Val’s hand and smiled.  The memories were obviously very difficult for Val to talk about, but Kathryn was grateful she had chosen to share them with her.

“Thank you for all of this Val, for everything you’ve done…for making sure I was included that night…when Ben died,” Kathryn said and Val’s eyes met hers once more.

“You’re welcome,” she said genuinely as she looked at Kathryn no longer like a granddaughter, but as a woman, a woman who belonged to a club no one wanted to be a member of.  “Now you need to go on and find your happiness.”

Chapter 52

The room was dark, with just a silver glow from the moonlight streaming in through the window.  The bed was soft and warm and Kathryn snuggled up closer to Ben, who held her tightly in his arms as she tried to sleep.  He sweetly stroked her hair, sending chills down her back.  His breathing was soft and calming.  She always felt safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen.  His hand trailed down to her arm where he stroked it lovingly. She draped her arm across his chest, rubbing his side, causing goosebumps to spread across his body.  He leaned down and tenderly and deliberately kissed the top of her head before he sat up.  He rose from the bed and looked down at her purposefully.  She stared at him, urging him to crawl back into bed with her.  He didn’t.  Instead, he held out his hand silently and she reached up, placing her hand into the softness of his.  He eased her up until she was standing next to him.  He smiled at her and began leading her away.  She stopped, unsure what was happening.  He smiled at her again, enc
ouraging her to follow him.  The room seemed to lighten as they walked across the unfamiliar space and she held on tightly to his hand.It continued to grow brighter as they walked and she saw a white door come into view.  They continued walking towards it and then Ben stopped.  He turned her to him, holding her face between his hands.  His eyes, those intense hazel eyes, stared deep into her.  His brow furrowed seriously as if he were trying to tell her something, but no words came out.

“Ben, what is it?” she whispered, but still no words came out.  He continued to stare and then his eyes softened and his mouth turned into a sweet smile. He leaned in slowly, brushing her lips with his.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly, his warm breath brushing past her cheek and then he pulled back and stepped away, his hand resting on the doorknob.

“Ben…” she said as the door opened.

He smiled at her again and reached for her hand with his free one.He kissed the top of it and then let it go, her arm falling limply to her side as he smiled again.

“It’s time,” he said as he stepped into the doorway, the image of him fading as he stepped further into the white light, but he turned and smiled once more before taking another step and fading away. 

She roused easily from her sleep, a feeling of peace throughout her entire body she had never felt.  It was as if the world was right again. She laid in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the dream.  It had seemed so real, just like all the dreams she had of Ben.  He was letting her go.  He was telling her it was okay to move on. 

Chapter 53

The morning air was crisp and cold.  She had dropped Sarah off with her parents.  She needed to do this alone.  Kathryn had bundled herself in a sweater and her favorite tan pea coat.  She wrapped a plaid scarf around her neck and pulled on a cream colored wool cap with matching mittens.  Despite all the layers though, she was still chilled to her core and held her arms tightly to her body, trying to warm up. 

She was the only one at the cemetery and as she walked up the lonely path, she felt a mix of sadness and relief at what she was about to do.  She had hardly slept as her mind flooded with images and memories of her life with Ben and what her future might be, but despite the lack of sleep, she wasn’t tired.

As she continued to walk, the familiar protective oak tree came into view and she stopped in her tracks, taking in a deep breath before she continued towards his grave.  She walked slowly, her feet dragging in the dirt path.  When she finally reached the headstone, she noticed the line of rocks she had placed on the granite block each time she had visited him over the past two years.  There was hardly any room left anymore, but she reached down anyway and found another stone and carefully placed it beside all the others. 

She stood back and stared at the etching of Ben’s face and her heart ached as he smiled back at her.  She opened her mouth to start talking to him, but found herself struggling for words.

She sat down on the cool grass and faced the headstone, mulling over everything she needed to say to him.

“Ben,” she eventually began quietly. “I can’t believe it’s been two years since I last saw you.  Sometimes I think you’re still coming back, even though I know you’re not.  I miss you so much.  So much has happened lately and I’ve been so confused about what to do.  I know you’ve probably seen what’s been happening with
Jace and Luke.  Your brother…he’s been…he’s been a lifesaver.  I don’t know how I would’ve survived without him, but things have been strange with him and I don’t know where we stand anymore,” she said sadly before turning back to Ben.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  I love you and I’ll always love you, but you’re not here anymore and you’re not coming back.” Her eyes began to fill with tears and a lump formed in her throat, which she swallowed painfully. “I have to let you go Ben.  I have to move on and I can’t take you with me anymore.”  The tears fell freely down her cheeks now and she couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth, but as they registered in her ears, she felt a wave of relief rush over her, as if the weight that had been keeping her down for the past two years was lifted off.  It was as if she could breathe clearly again for the first time since before he died.  A light breeze began to blow through the cemetery, causing her to shiver, but then she was filled with unexpected warmth, the same warmth she’d felt over the past two years during the times she needed it most…when she was lying with him in the hospital bed saying goodbye… at his funeral as she held his hand… when Sarah was born…and now as she was letting him go.  She used her gloved hands to wipe away the tears that were beginning to dry on her cheeks and she stood up, staring down at the grave again.  Her mind wandered back to nearly two years ago at this same spot when she had watched Ben’s casket being lowered into the ground and the devastation she had felt watching him being taken from her forever.  She had wanted to die with him, unable to imagine a world without him.  But here she was two years later, and she was still alive and he was still gone.She had survived without him, even though she hadn’t thought it possible.  She kissed her hand and then touched it to the beautiful granite rock and whispered, “I love you,” and then she turned and walked away, knowing things would be different now.

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She stood motionless in the middle of the room, staring at all the reminders of Ben that haunted her whenever she looked at them.  She took the first hesitant step towards the picture that rested on her nightstand as it had for as long as she could remember.  She carefully picked it up and began tracing the outline of his face with her finger and was startled when a wet drop fell onto the glass, distorting his image.  A tear had escaped from her eye, which she quickly wiped away until Ben’s face showed clear again.  She traced his face once more and held the picture to her chest as she walked it to the middle of the room where a black trunk lay open.  She glanced at the picture again and then bent down and gently set it inside. 

She slowly stood up and walked over to the pile of stuffed animals Ben had given her, which she kept on the small chair in the corner of her room. One by one she picked up the soft reminders of Ben and placed them gently in the trunk, thinking back to each circumstance he’d given them to her, a constant smile on her face. 

Once the animals were put away, she moved to her dresser where she kept the jewelry he’d given her: the small sapphire earrings he’d given her on her birthday, the pretty opal ring she’d pointed out to him that he later got her for Christmas, the chunky turquoise necklace he’d picked up during a family vacation to New Mexico, and the mother of pearl earrings he’d gotten her while visiting his aunt and uncle in California a few years back.  They were all so beautiful, but every time she saw them, she was reminded of him and she couldn’t do it anymore.  She picked up each delicate piece and put them inside a small heart shaped jewelry box she’d had since childhood.  She tucked them each gently inside and placed the collection next to the framed picture in the trunk.

Next, she went to the bulletin board she had hanging by her desk and began to take down the snapshots of Ben and her.  She carefully pulled out the tacks and stared down at the happy memories, frozen forever in time, once again being transported back for a moment to the times she thought would never end, before being yanked back to the present.  She gathered them in a pile and gently looped a rubber band around them to hold them together before adding them to the trunk of memories and continuing on. 

She walked cautiously towards her bed and lifted the pillow up, revealing the white t-shirt she had found comfort in so many times since he died. She reached down and picked it up, rubbing the familiar cotton fabric between her fingertips.  She held it to her face and inhaled deeply trying to catch any trace of Ben’s scent that was left, but as she breathed in, she discovered it was gone.  She breathed in harder, not wanting to believe it had finally faded from the fabric, just as he had faded, but it was no use.  The shirt no longer held any hint of Ben.  It was now just an old shirt, no longer a connection to him.  She clutched it to her chest for a moment before folding it neatly and laying it in the trunk with the other things.  She sat down in front of it and searched the room for anything else, but found nothing. 

She stared down into the box at all of the items and pictures that had kept her connected to Ben for the past
two years and she suddenly felt a heaviness around her neck, which seemed to be weighing her down.  She raised her hand up and felt the silver crucifix, which hadn’t left her neck since the day of the funeral.  She slowly reached up underneath her hair and carefully undid the clasp of the necklace, allowing it to fall down her neck and into her waiting palm.  She stared down at the beautiful cross that had brought her so much comfort since Ben died, but she knew it was time to put it away too.  She kissed the pendant and reached into the trunk, picking up the jewelry box she’d placed inside earlier.  She opened it and gently laid the crucifix inside with everything else.  She shut the lid, which seemed to echo loudly throughout the room.  She put it back inside and then closed the lid of the trunk, slowly fastening the brass snaps to secure everything inside.  But as her fingers closed the snaps, the light caught the diamond that was still on her finger and she knew she it was time to take it off, and leave it off.  She slowly slid it off and stared down at, wondering about what could’ve been before undoing the latches and placing it in the jewelry box as well.