After the Sky Fell Down (51 page)

As her eyes continued to search the room though, it was painfully obvious that one person was missing.  The person who had changed the lives of everyone in the room wasn’t there.  The absence of Ben could be felt all around and even though it had been two years since he’d last walked through the door, Kathryn looked back down the hall, thinking maybe, just maybe, he would tonight.

Sharon had made tacos, Ben’s favorite meal.  The toppings were spread out on the counter and as soon
as Kathryn had said hello to everyone, they took turns loading up their tortillas.  Everyone sat around, keeping it casual, like Ben would’ve wanted.  Kathryn had always liked the tacos Sharon made and she’d eaten them more times than she could count.  As she ate them without Ben, she was taken back to the nights she’d spent in this very house, this very room with Ben. 

“So, what have you been up to Kathryn?” Val asked her.

“Not much,” she said and she thought she heard Luke snicker.  She looked over at him and he was staring right at her. “Just going to class and staying busy with Sarah.  How do you like Plymouth State, Allie?” Kathryn asked wanting to get the focus off of her.

“I love it up there,” Allie said with surprising enthusiasm.

The room was quiet again for a while and then Sharon began talking.

“Well,” she began with a forced smile on her face. “We’re all here because of…Ben,” she said her voice sounding choked up.  You could’ve heard a pin drop as everyone got quiet and stared at Sharon. “I was thinking we could watch some old home movies to look back and remember him.”

Kathryn’s stomach felt as if it had dropped to the floor.  She didn’t know if she could handle this.  She felt her face twist into a tangled mess as she tried to hide her expression from Sharon, afraid she would notice her apprehension.

“Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?” Luke piped up and then he glanced over at Kathryn.  It was obvious Luke had seen her reaction.

“What are you talking about Luke?  Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Sharon asked her youngest son with a tone of annoyance in her voice.

“Um…I just don’t know if you can…handle it,” Luke said quietly.

“Luke, I’ll be fine.  Ben’s your brother.  He might not be here, but he’s still your brother and we are here to celebrate his life,” Sharon replied, her voice crisp and curt as she turned to the television.  She turned it on and then pressed play on the DVD player and scooted back as Sarah climbed into her lap.  “I had Scott gather all the old VHS tapes and convert them to DVD.  There’s just a bunch of different clips mixed together,” Sharon said excitedly and then an image appeared on the screen and Kathryn was immediately captivated.

Ben must’ve been about five years old in the clip and was preparing to ride his bike for the first time without training wheels.  It was blue with white handle bars.  Ben was wearing a bright yellow helmet and knee pads.  He turned and grinned at the camera, causing Kathryn to smile as well.  His hair had been much blonder as a child, but his eyes were the same big hazel ones she’d loved looking into.  He had been an adorable child and her eyes drifted to Sarah.  She and Ben looked so much alike. 

Ben climbed on the bike and Scott began pushing him from behind while Sharon manned the camera.  Scott guided as Ben did his best to hold the handle bars steady.  Half way down the street, Scott let go and Ben took off, alone and independent.  Sharon and Scott were both cheering and when Ben looked back to smile at them, he lost control of the bike and toppled over.  The camera began to jolt carelessly as Scott and Sharon ran to his side. 
“Oh honey, you’re okay,”
Sharon’s voice could be heard from behind the lens.  Ben wasn’t crying, but he was rubbing his elbow and an enormous frown dominated his face. 
“It’s okay Benny.  We’ll try again,”
Scott’s voice encouraged, helping his son to get up and get back on the bike.  Like Scott said, they tried again, and this time, Ben succeeded, turning the bike around and riding back towards his mother.  As he whizzed by Sharon, he smiled proudly for the camera and continued down the street. 

This was just the beginning of having to sit through Ben’s life.  The screen faded periodically and opened again to show another milestone: birthday parties, baseball games, even a spelling bee.  With each frame, Ben grew older and began to look more and more like the Ben Kathryn had known.  It had been almost fun seeing a younger Ben, getting to glimpse into his life before she had known him, but as the clips progressed, it grew harder to watch.  He would glance at the
camera and give that same smile that had given her butterflies and his eyes would sparkle with the love of life he had always possessed. 

She began to feel uncomfortable and found herself fidgeting in her seat and lowering her eyes from the screen, not wanting to watch the ghost of Ben that was dancing inside the television.  And then, the screen opened again to a scene she did remember, a scene she had been part of: their graduation.  Ben had been standing around taking pictures with different family members while his father videotaped.  Sharon’s voice could be heard on the tape saying, “
There’s Kathryn.  You two get together for a picture
.”  Ben looked to his side to Kathryn who could not be seen yet on the screen.  He motioned for her to come over and a moment later she was by his side.  He grabbed her quickly, dipping her down and kissing her, causing her to hold on to her red graduation cap so it wouldn’t fall off.  When he pulled her up, her face was as crimson as the gown she was wearing and she slapped his arm playfully. “
Not in front of everyone
,” she could be heard whispering to him.  He just grinned at her and leaned in and kissed her again, then he put his arm around her and they began to pose for pictures, one of which she still had hanging on the vanity mirror in her old bedroom at her parent’s house. 

Kathryn watched the screen with glazed eyes, having been transported back to that moment in time.  She could remember it like it was yesterday and then she was pulled back to the reality where Ben was gone.  She stared at the TV curiously where she and Ben were still standing together on the screen, carefree and innocent while getting their picture taken, neither of them having the faintest idea that in a year and a half their lives would be shattered.

She couldn’t take it anymore and she stood up, saying “Excuse me” quietly.  She scooped up Sarah from Sharon’s lap, gathered her things and headed quickly to the door.  As she walked away, she could hear confused murmuring behind her.  She reached the door and opened it, stepping outside into the autumn air. 

“Kathryn!” Luke’s voice called from behind her. 

She turned around and saw him walking quickly to catch her.  She stopped and waited for him.

“I’m sorry.  I knew that wasn’t a good idea. I tried telling my mom,” he said apologetically and for a moment she forgot about everything going on between them.

“Don’t apologize Luke.  Your mom didn’t do anything wrong.  I just shouldn’t be here.”

“Don’t say that,” he told her.

“No.  I shouldn’t be here.  I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t keep holding on to something that’s not here anymore and that’s what I’m doing. Seeing Ben on that screen was just too much.  It was like he was alive again and he’s not.  How much longer am I going to go through this?  I keep putting myself in situations and I’m sucked right back in,” her voice began to rise, but she didn’t cry.  She was angry, angry at everything: angry at life, angry that this had happened, angry at Ben for leaving her and angry that she had no control over anything anymore. 

“Kathryn,” he said quietly stepping towards her as if he wanted to embrace her.

“And
you
,” she said pointing firmly at him, stopping him in his tracks. “
You’re
not helping anything.”

“What?” he asked.

“You left me Luke.  You left
us
.  You just abandoned us because you couldn’t get your way.  After everything we’ve been through you just walked away.”

“I left because I love you and I can’t stand not to be with you, and I’m sorry for that.  I want to come back, but I don’t know if you even want me back or if I should even be there anymore.  You’re okay now.  You don’t need me anymore.”

“Maybe not, but you didn’t even give me the chance to make that decision.  You decided for me and you decided for Sarah,” she said looking at her daughter, who was obviously becoming uncomfortable with the confrontation between Kathryn and Luke. 

“You’re right,” he said quietly.

“Everything that’s happened between us has just messed everything up and it needs to stop. 
You
…” she said sternly and then hesitated for a moment, thinking. “No, you and I
both
need to stop using each other to hang onto Ben because I’ve already lost him and now I’ve lost you too.”

“Kathryn, just calm down and let’s talk about this,” he said insistently.

“I’m perfectly calm and there’s nothing to talk about.  Ben’s gone.  Jace is gone and you’re gone.  It’s pretty simple.  I’ve got to learn how to live my life on my own because I’m the only person I can count on.  I’ve got to take care of my daughter and I’ve got to stop relying on other people to do that.”

“No Kathryn…” he began.

“I can’t rely on anyone because everyone leaves me.  Everyone leaves!” she cried as she clutched Sarah.

“Kathryn,” Luke said stepping next to her, trying to wrap his arms around her.

“Don’t Luke,” she cried, wiggling away from his arms and turning towards her car.

“Kathryn, please don’t go,” he pleaded.

“I’ve got to.”

“Please,” he said reaching for her again.

“I’ve gotta go,” she said again quietly and fumbled with her keys until the door was unlocked.  She buckled Sarah into her car seat as Luke continued to protest.  Kathryn just ignored him though and got inside.  As she drove away, she watched Luke fade in the distance in the rearview mirror and she knew what she had to do.

Chapter 50

She waited for Luke at the same clearing by the beach they’d gone to the night they’d gone star gazing.  Only this time the stars were hidden by a sea of clouds and the white-capped waves crashed loudly into the shore.  A breeze blew off the ocean and she hugged herself tighter, trying to stay warm. 

  After Jace had walked in on them, she hadn’t known what to do.  She knew she couldn’t just ignore what had happened and the last time she’d spoken to him was as she was yelling at him in the driveway of the Bradley’s house.  She had to straighten this out with Luke.  They couldn’t keep going on like this.  She’d texted him asking him to meet her at the beach.  She was surprised he’d agreed and she waited for him nervously, not quite sure what she was going to say.

Just then, the fami
liar sound of the big blue truck cut through the noise of the rolling waves and she heard the door shut and footsteps walking through the clearing.  She turned to see Luke’s dark silhouette coming into view.  His hands were stuffed into the black winter coat he was bundled in and she could see his breath as he approached her.

“Hi Luke.”

“Hey,” he responded quietly and then they walked silently side by side through the thicket until they were on the beach.  Kathryn sat down a few feet from where the tide was coming in.  Luke sat beside her and they were quiet with just the sound of their breath and the waves to break up the silence.

“I was surprised you wanted to talk
,” Luke finally said. “You seemed pretty pissed off at me the other night.”

“I’m just so confused.”

“Confused?  I thought you and Jace had it all figured out,” Luke said with a hint of sarcasm.

“He broke up with me,” she said flatly.

She looked over to him, expecting to see a victorious smile, but his lips remained in a firm line. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly and she was shocked at the words. 

“Yeah, me too, but he needed to find out.  I just wish it hadn’t been the way he did.  I wish I could’ve told him.”

“And what would you have told him?” he asked.

She sighed and thought for a moment.  How would she ever have explained to Jace what had happened between her and Luke when she herself didn’t really understand it? 

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I guess that I was confused and scared.”

“But not that you were in love me?” he asked in his low, rugged voice and she was silent for a while.

“
I don’t know,” she finally said softly and it grew quiet again.

She looked over and he just nodded as the moonlight cast an eerie shadow across his sad face.

“So what are you trying to tell me then?  Why’d you drag me out here?”

“
We need to talk…about everything that’s happened lately.”

“There’s not much to say.  You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.  You’ve made your choice,” he said, a cold edge to his voice, his words tugging at her heart.

“I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me and for what you’ve done for Sarah since Ben died.  You truly have been the most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for or deserve and I love you.”

“But you’re not
in
love with me?” he asked, defeat heavy in his voice.  She knew the fight was gone from him now and he wouldn’t argue or try to convince her the way he had been, which she was grateful for because he was hard to resist.  She thought maybe he’d accepted it, that they’d both accepted it.