After the Sky Fell Down (54 page)

She looked around the room, which seemed uncomfortably bare, but she did not regret her decision.  She felt a sense of relief in a way, knowing that whenever she looked around she wouldn’t be reminded of Ben and the fact that he wouldn’t be coming back.  She wouldn’t be forced to think of the life that might have been, but instead focus on the life she had now. 

She pushed the trunk under her bed, the white bed skirt hiding any evidence of its presence.  She would take it to her parent’s house in the future and clean out her old room there too, but for now, this was the first step in letting go.

Chap
ter 54

She stood nervously in front of the door.  She had no idea what she was going to say to him or what he would say in return, but the fact remained that she needed to tell him how she felt.  She couldn’t just let him walk out of her life without an explanation. 

She lifted her hand and knocked on the door quickly before she lost her nerve. Her heart was pounding while she waited, hoping he was home.  This needed to be said face to face, not over the phone.  Her heart quickened even more as she heard footsteps from behind the closed door and the fumbling of the dead bolt.

It opened and Jace stood before her.  He looked surprised to see her and she wasn’t sure he’d even be willing to talk to her. 

“Kathryn,” he said quietly.

“Hi Jace,” she said, her voice wavering from nerves. “Can I talk to you?”

He seemed to hesitate, not letting go of the door, but then nodded and motioned for her to come inside. 

She stepped inside the apartment she hadn’t seen in weeks and as she looked around, it appeared she’d caught him in the middle of studying.  His laptop was open on the coffee table and books and papers were strewn about.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said as she gestured towards the coffee table.

“It’s okay.  I needed a break.”

He walked over and began straightening the books and papers into a pile.  She sat on the couch and waited for him to finish.  He sat down beside her a few moments later
.  She looked over to him, trying to be as discreet as possible.  His black hair shined in the light and she noticed he’d gotten a haircut since she last saw him.  His eyes were as inviting as ever and his pale skin looked soft and it was obvious he’d shaved that morning.

“I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, but I wanted to talk to you,” she began.

“Go ahead and talk then,” he said and she didn’t blame him for the cold edge in his voice.

“I um, I uh,” she stuttered, unable to find her words. “I wanted to apologize to you…for everything I’ve done and everything I’ve put you through.”

He just looked over at her, his hands folded in his lap and he nodded.

“I’ve thought a lot about what you said,” she said pausing, swallowing hard as she tried to continue talking. “I’ve thought a lot about what you said that day…that day you found out about Luke.”

“What have you thought about?” he asked, his voice low and monotone.

“About how right you were…about everything.  And that you have every right to be mad at me.  I wasn’t ready yet, but I want you to know I never set out to hurt your deliberately,” she said, her eyes tearing up.

“I know you didn’t,” he said, looking over to her.

“I swear Jace.  I never meant to hurt you.  You’ve been…well,” she said pausing to think. “There really aren’t any words to describe how great you’ve been and how you accepted everything about me.  After Ben died, I never thought I could ever feel for someone again, but I did with you.  You helped me realize things were going to be okay,” she said until he interrupted.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me Kathryn, but you did,” he said flatly.

“And for that, I’m so sorry.  You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.  I never even deserved your understanding.”

“Yes, you did,” he said, the kindness returning to his voice.

She looked up at him and he was staring back seriously, his hands still folded and his elbows resting on his knees. 

“I knew you weren’t ready when I met you. There were so many red flags but I kept pushing you because of how I felt about you.”

“You didn’t push me,” she insisted. “I loved our time together.  I’m so happy I met you.”

“Me too,” he said quietly before continuing. “I just want you to be happy Kathryn              and I can’t make you happy because I’m not the one you want to be with,” he stated flatly. “I never was.”

She felt her mouth go dry and she looked down.  She hadn’t wanted it to be put so bluntly.  She’d wanted to thank him for everything, to express how special he was, but he’d just laid it all out on the line.

“I’m sorry Jace.”

“I don’t understand why you had to come over to tell me this.  I kinda figured that out when I saw you and Luke,” he said with less sarcasm than she expected.

“Because you didn’t deserve what I did to you and I wanted to apologize face to face for how I’ve treated you,” she said, a tear escaping her eye.

“I just wish you would’ve told me how you really felt.”

“I know I should’ve, but I didn’t even know myself, I still don’t.  I’ve been so confused.  All this stuff had been brewing and I didn’t know what any of it really meant.  I cared about you so much, but I…but I care about…him too,” she said slowly. 

“So I was right then,” he said nodding and looking away. “I wish I could say this was easy for me Kathryn.  I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could say I’m okay with all of this, but I’m not.  I really cared about you.  I wasn’t confused about my feelings.  I was falling in love with you,” he said bringing his eyes back to her. 

“I’m sorry.  I thought I was falling in love with you too,” she said quietly. “But…”

“Luke,” he answered.  Kathryn felt her eyes grow warm but then nodded slowly. “I’m not trying to be snide or sarcastic,” he began with a seriousness to his voice that told her he was being sincere. “But I hope you find what you’re looking for whether it’s with him or not.”

She blinked and tears streamed down her cheeks.  Even after all she’d put him through, he was still being supportive.  He was still being Jace.

“I wish you’d just yell at me or something.  Call me some names.  Anything would be easier than this,” she said wiping her face.

“I could never do that to you.  You should know that by now,” he said cracking a smile, even if it was a small one, for the first time since she’d arrived.

The room was silent and it broke her heart to really say good-bye to Jace.  She wished they could stay friends, but she knew that would never work.  This was it.  Everything they’d been through was coming to an end.

“I really am sorry Jace,” she said again. “I won’t even ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it.”

He just nodded.  She half expected him to insist he’d already forgiven her, but even Jace wasn’t that perfect.

“I, uh, I should get going,” she stuttered a moment later, standing up. “I just wanted to thank you for…for everything you’ve done for me and to apologize and tell you I’m sorry for how things ended with us.”

He nodded again and looked up at her with a solemn face.

“Goodbye, Kathryn,” he said, meeting her gaze with his dark eyes.

“Goodbye
, Jace,” she replied.  Part of her wanted to lean in and hug him, but she knew he wouldn’t welcome it.  Instead, she walked to the front door.  As she twisted the doorknob, she turned to look at him once more.  He was sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together as he stared at the floor.  He deserved better…so much better and she knew someday he would get it.

Chapter 55

Kathryn rang the doorbell and heard Sharon’s voice call out telling her to come in.  She opened the door and heard laughter flowing from the living room.  Kathryn followed the voices and found Sharon and Sarah building blocks together.  Sharon looked up and smiled and Kathryn found herself feeling guilty about storming off from Ben’s remembrance dinner.  She hadn’t said much to Sharon when she’d dropped Sarah off that morning and she wondered if Sharon was mad at her.

“Hey,” Sharon said cheerfully as if everything were fine. “Join us.”

Kathryn sat down awkwardly and began helping Sarah build the tower they were working on. 

“How was school?” Sharon asked as she put another block on the tower.

“It was fine,” Kathryn said listlessly.She’d just gone through the motions of each class.  Her mind was elsewhere with thoughts of Ben and Jace and Luke.

“How’s Jace?” Sharon asked, causing Kathryn to bristle.  It’d been a couple of days since she’d seen him and she realized Sharon had no idea what had transpired between her, Luke and Jace over the past few weeks. 

“Um,” Kathryn stuttered. “We broke up.”

Sharon’s hand froze mid-air as she reached to add another block, instead turning to Kathryn with a look of surprise.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t know.  He seemed like a nice boy,” Sharon said and Kathryn knew she was telling the truth.  The run had endeared Jace to Sharon.

“He was,” Kathryn agreed.

“Can I ask what happened?”

Kathryn paused for a moment, thinking what she would say.

“I just wasn’t ready,” she finally decided on and Kathryn knew Sharon wouldn’t press any further.

“I’m sorry,” was all she said and Kathryn nodded.

“Sharon?” Kathryn said and Sharon looked up.

“I’m sorry about storming out during Ben’s dinner.”

Sharon sighed, but then looked up sorrowfully at Kathryn as she rested her hand on Kathryn’s knee.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

“It was rude and inconsiderate and I shouldn’t have acted that way.”

“I’ll say it again,” Sharon said gently. “You don’t need to apologize.  I just wanted to remember Ben…to look back and maybe forget for a few minutes that he’s gone, but I didn’t consider how hard it would be for you.”

“It’s just hard to remember him sometimes,” Kathryn said softly.

“I know,” Sharon agreed. “I miss Ben so much.  I ache for him every day, but this little girl,” Sharon said smiling and playfully pulling Sarah into a bear hug, smooching her on the cheek. “This little girl makes it a little bit easier.”

“She does,” Kathryn grinned and then Sharon’s face softened as she smiled.

“Kathryn,” Sharon began. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how proud I am of you.”

It was Kathryn’s turn to look at Sharon with surprise.

“The way you’ve handled yourself these past couple of years…the mother you’ve become…I’m just so proud of you and I know Ben would be too.”

Kathryn felt a lump form in her throat, thinking about Ben watching over them.  She often wondered what he thought…if he thought she was doing right by Sarah.  She’d never really know, but she had to believe he knew she was doing the best she could and she hoped he was proud.

“Thanks Sharon,” Kathryn blushed. “But I couldn’t have done it without all of you.  My parents, your family…Luke, especially Luke,” she sighed shaking her head thinking back to everything they’d been through and Sharon smiled knowingly.  Kathryn wondered if Sharon suspected what had happened between her and Luke.

“We’d all do anything for Sarah,” Sharon said hugging Sarah again before releasing her back to her blocks.

Kathryn jerked her head when she heard the door close and listened as heavy footsteps walked down the hall.  Her heart pounded as part of her feared and the other part hoped the footsteps belonged to Luke.  She hadn’t seen him since they’d met up on the beach and he’d made it clear there was nothing left between them.

“Luuuuke!” Sarah shouted when he walked into the room.  She jumped up and ran into her uncle’s arms.  Luke hoisted her in the air and spun her around.

“How’s my favorite girl,” he smiled and then squeezed her.  Sarah, in turn, wrapped her arms around him and nestled into his neck.  Then Luke’s eyes looked down and met Kathryn’s momentarily before looking away.  Things were still icy between them.  Kathryn wasn’t sure why, but Sharon stood up and took Sarah from Luke.

“C’mon Sarah.  Let’s go get your things together so you and Mommy can head home,” Sharon said as they left the room, leaving Kathryn and Luke in uncomfortable silence.

“Hey,” Kathryn finally said, standing up.

“Hey,” he answered back quietly. “How are you?”

“Fine,” she lied.  She wasn’t fine, but she couldn’t tell him that.

“Good,” he replied and the silence returned. 

He looked shy and uneasy standing in the doorway and Kathryn thought he also looked adorably vulnerable.

“Sarah sure was happy to see you,” Kathryn finally said.

“Yeah, she was,” he answered, but kept his eyes away.

“She misses you.”

“I miss her too,” Luke replied softly, his voice low and mournful.

It was quiet again and Kathryn hated the tension between them.  They’d been the best of friends and here they stood, unable to even hold a normal conversation.  She missed him so much and had to force herself to not go over to him and wrap herself in his arms.