After the Sky Fell Down (50 page)

“We’ve grown close since Ben died.  He’s helped me so much with Sarah. There’s so much you don’t even know.  So much he’s done for me since before I even knew you…and sometimes when I’m with him, it’s like…it’s almost as if…” she said before her voice trailed off to nothing and she was staring at the floor.

“It’s almost as if you’re with Ben,” he said finishing her sentence.

There was an uncomfortable pause in the room and she was finally able to meet his eyes.

“I’m trying to get where you’re coming from, I really am.  But it’s taking all my willpower not to run after Luke and beat the crap out of him.  I need to understand.”

“I don’t even understand,” she said, her eyes growing heavy.

“I think I do,” he said sitting beside her on the bed.

“It’s nothing Jace.  Please don’t worry about it.”

“You’re kidding, right Kathryn?  You are kidding me?  I walk in on you kissing someone else and I’m not supposed to worry about it?” he scoffed.

“No…I mean yes…I mean, I didn’t want it to happen.  It just happened,” she said quietly defending herself.

“It wasn’t the first time, was it?” he asked in a much calmer voice than she expected. 

She didn’t say anything, just continued to look at the floor.  Her silence gave him his answer.

“I’m not blind and I’m not stupid,” he continued.

“What?” she asked, finally looking into his dark eyes.

“You’re not ready for any of this…for us,” he said.

She looked at him, her mouth hanging open at his suggestion.

“You’re wrong Jace.  I am,” she said trying to convince him, or perhaps herself. “I was just confused.”

“No, Kathryn, you’re not ready.  Like I said, I’m not blind and I’m not naïve.  You were just
kissing
another guy…Ben’s brother for God’s sake.  When I walked in just now and saw you and Luke, it was obvious.  I saw the way you were looking at him.  You don’t look at me that way.”

“I wasn’t looking at him any way,” she said defensively.

“I’ve had the feeling since I’ve known you that you weren’t ready to be in a relationship, but I tried to ignore it and I’ve tried to be patient because of how I feel about you.  But, I’ve got to be honest with you.  There are times when I’m looking at you and I know you’re not thinking about me…you’re thinking about him, about Ben, and the other night, you started crying as I touched you, because you wanted it to be him touching you, not me.”

“No, that’s not true.  I wanted to be with you, I did,” she insisted.

“But you couldn’t and I respect that, I really do, but it’s frustrating, but only because I want to be with you…without him.”

“Jace, I’m sorry,” she pleaded.

“I knew after the other night that you’re not ready for this yet, and when I walked in and saw you with…Luke,” he said swallowing deeply before continuing. “When I saw you and him and the way you looked at him, it was obvious, there was a peace in your face I’ve never seen before because he reminds you of Ben, and I can’t do that.  I can’t compete with him. Ben died a perfect man and I will
never
be that because no matter where our relationship goes we’re going to have ups and downs.  We’re not going to always see eye to eye.  You’ve erased all the bad moments with Ben and you’ve only held on to the good. You’ve put him on a pedestal that I can’t reach because I’m still here. I’m still able to make mistakes.  You still love Ben and I don’t think there’s room for me in your life right now.  You need more time and I don’t think I can do it anymore because…because I think I’m falling in love with you,” he said quietly. “And I can’t do that to myself…or you…or Sarah.”

His words stung her deep in her soul and she stared up at him, her heart starting to pound.  He was falling in love with her and she was stuck in the past, in love with someone wh
o could no longer love her back.

“Jace, please,” she said, tears falling slowly down her face, but she knew there was nothing that would change his mind. “I need you in my life.”

“No you don’t.  I think I’ve been more than understanding of everything, really I do.  I think I’ve been patient, but I can’t put my life on hold while you live in this fantasy world anymore.  Do you know what it felt like to see you kissing him…someone that looks exactly like your dead boyfriend?  Do you know how I felt when I saw your arms around him?I knew you guys were close and I tried not to let that closeness bother me, but I never expected this kind of closeness between you guys.  I never thought you were capable of this and I just can’t do it because I’ll never be Ben.  I’ll never even come close.  I’ll never measure up and you’ll never let go.”

It hurt to hear the words spoken, but she knew every word he said was true and she couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he did. 

He looked into her deep blue eyes and noticed they were void of something and always had been, as if something was missing from them.  Then he stood up and stared down at her looking pitiful and lost.  She wanted to jump up and beg him not to go, but couldn’t bring herself to stand as if she were cemented to the mattress. 

“Jace, please,” she whispered, wiping her eyes.

He looked at her, but his eyes seemed to be looking through her instead of at her.

“Don’t Kathryn.  Just don’t say anything else,” he said through a clenched jaw.  It was obvious he wanted to say more, to tell her how he really felt about her. “You chose this and now I’m choosing to leave.”

He looked at her once more and then turned around and walked out of her room and out of her life.

Chapter 49

November fifteenth was fast approaching.  Two years ago, her life had been turned upside down.  She missed Ben as much now as she did then and she was more alone than ever. She had waited for Jace to call, but he didn’t, and every time she picked up the phone to dial his number, something always made her hang up.  She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he’d broken up with her and she missed him, but he had been right. Her heart wasn’t healed yet and no matter what she was doing, even the most mundane of tasks, Ben was there and he’d always been there.

She missed Luke too and she couldn’t stop thinking about the intensity of their kiss, even though they hadn’t spoken since that day.  When she allowed her mind to drift, she found herself aching to feel that kiss again.  But, she’d shake it off and force herself to think of something else, anything else.

She thought maybe they’d been on the verge of working things out that day…the day Jace had discovered everything.  She thought he might move back in, but they hadn’t been able to fix anything and he was still staying with his parents.  She knew he’d been by the apartment a few times though.  He just made sure to come when she wasn’t there.  He always left Sarah a little treat in her crib.  Sarah missed having Luke around all the time.  She still ran to his room sometimes when she got excited about something and wanted to share it with him, only to come out with a shrug and a frown.  She still saw him when she went to the Bradley’s but it wasn’t the same.  Kathryn and Sarah were both adjusting though and it was almost becoming normal to come home to an empty apartment. 

As Kathryn was picking up Sarah one day, Sharon explained that the family was having a dinner in remembrance of Ben on the night of the fifteenth.  She got a pit in her stomach as she thought about it.  They hadn’t done anything last year.  Everyone was still getting used to having Sarah around.  She’d been a good distraction, but now that things were settled, it was time to think of Ben. 

When the morning finally came marking two years since Ben’s death, she woke up in a panic. Her dreams had been filled with replays of the night Ben died.  She’d been okay for a while, but since she’d lost Jace and Luke, the loneliness had become too much and images of Ben surrounded by the suffocating tubes were seared in her memories and Sharon’s cries echoed over and over in her mind as she slept.  As she slept she revisited her last moment with Ben, clinging to him, not wanting to let go, but no matter how many times that moment replayed in her head, praying for a different outcome, it always ended the same, with Ben being wheeled away, never to come back to her. 

When she finally bolted awake from the nightmare, the wound in her heart felt as if it had been ripped open and it stung fresh and n
ew and just as she had the day he died, she wanted to sink into a hole and never come out.  She thought the pain might even be worse now, because two years ago, she had been numb and in disbelief.  Back then, she still believed Ben would come back and a year ago, her life had been so busy with Sarah.  But now, after two years of never hearing his voice or feeling him next to her, it had become painfully obvious that her delusions were just that.  She was alone and every time she looked at Sarah, it was that much more obvious she was alone. 

Sharon asked Kathryn to be at the house by five o’clock for dinner.  She had chosen to wear a pair of black pants and a black blouse, reflecting her dark, somber mood. She left her hair down just as she had the day of the funeral, hoping to hide behind it. Her hair was longer now though than it had been on that day and as she looked in the mirror she couldn’t help but notice she had changed in other ways as well.  Her eyes looked older, but not wiser, just pain filled blue pits that seemed to lack any life.  They looked tired too, shadows circling below them like purple war wounds.  She thought she noticed tiny frown lines at the corners of her mouth from the position it had spent so much time in during the last
two years.  She’d become a shadow of her former self and she was annoyed just looking in the mirror.  She thought she had been finding her way out with Jace, but she knew it had all been a farce, and she was sick of being the mopey lump that just existed, but it was who she had become.  She thought she had been on her way out of it, but she’d been wrong and she hadn’t even known it.

Just as she was getting ready to leave, her eyes found the jewelry box on her dresser. She walked over to it and took out the engagement ring.  She slipped it on her finger, remembering the night he’d given it to her exactly two years ago.  When she’d seen it for the first time she thought it was a symbol of everything her life was going to be, but now it was just a reminder of everything she’d lost, but it felt right on her finger tonight and she decided to leave it on.

“Pretty mama,” Sarah said pointing to the ring on her mother’s finger.

“Your daddy gave it to me,” she said wiping her eyes.

“Daddy!” she exclaimed pointing to the picture on the nightstand.  She’d finally replaced the frame after she’d thrown it and Ben had resumed his usual spot looking as perfect as ever. 

“Yes, that’s your daddy,” Kathryn said picking Sarah up and holding her tightly.

She drove in a fog to the Bradley’s, taking each turn without thinking as Sarah cooed playfully in the backseat.  When the familiar house came into view, her stomach flip flopped, and she nervously pulled the car into the driveway.  She got out slowly, trying to prolong the walk to the front door, but before she knew it, it was staring her in the face.  As her finger reached out to ring the doorbell, she saw that it was shaking.  She heard it chime through the door and a moment later, it opened.  Sharon stood in the doorway, and Kathryn couldn’t help thinking how different Sharon looked two years later.  It was as if she had aged ten years since then.  Deep set wrinkles had formed around her face, each line telling the story of the pain and struggle she’d faced since Ben’s death.  Her hair that had once been a shiny blonde seemed to be dry and dull with traces of gray at the roots.  The hazel eyes she’d given Ben and Luke looked tired and forlorn.  But, despite all this, Sharon smiled at Kathryn with the same smile she always had. 

“Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly.

“Hi Sharon,” Kathryn returned softly, feeling her eyes brim with tears. She took a deep breath and willed them to stay away, which they did. 

“And Sarah, my little baby.  Come to Grandma,” she said and Sarah eagerly went into Sharon’s arms. 

She followed Sharon down the hall and into the kitchen where the rest of the family was already waiting.  Grandpa Dom and Grandma Val smiled warmly at her as they always did, and as Kathryn scanned the faces of everyone in the room.  Ben’s grandparents seemed to have weathered the last two years the best.  Maybe it was their life experiences that had made them accept Ben’s death in a different way than everyone else.  Even during that horrible night two years ago, they had been the ones holding everyone together, and it appeared they were still filling that role. 

Scott’s eyes were dark and heavy, just like Sharon’s were and if she wasn’t mistaken, she thought she could feel the tension between him and his wife that Luke had mentioned. 

Allie had the same indifferent expression on her face that she always did, but she did manage to crack a slight smile at Kathryn when she walked in.  She looked different too.  Allie seemed to have grown up a lot in the last two years, holding herself with a poise and confidence that Kathryn didn’t recall before.  Her hair that had been long and blonde was now cut into a short bob and dyed light brown. 

Luke had been sitting on the couch hidden from her initial view, but then he stood up and their eyes met.  She hadn’t seen him since the day he’d come over with the flowers…since the day Jace had left.  As their eyes met for the first time, it felt awkward and strange.  Neither of them smiled or said a word to each other.  So much had been said between them recently that silence was the only thing left.