After the Sky Fell Down (48 page)

“It’s been lonely here without you,” she said standing outside his door.  He looked up at her, but didn’t smile.

“I’m sure you’ve had other people around to keep you occupied,” he said flatly and she knew he was referring to Jace.

“Not really,” she retorted. “And they weren’t you.”

She heard him scoff and turned his head back to the screen, which had just booted up.  He clicked on something and then he began typing. 

“I just came to get a file off my computer,” he said still staring at the monitor.

“So you’re not staying then?”

“Nope,” he said, still torturing her with his coldness. 

She could feel her temper starting to boil.  Why was he being like this?  How could he still be ignoring her?  She thought for sure he’d have cooled off by now.

“Can I help you with something?” he asked finally looking up from his computer.

“What?” she asked confused.

“Is there something else you need because I’ve gotta get this done.”

She could feel her eyes brimming with tears at his harshness and she couldn’t just let it go.

“Why are you doing this Luke?” she choked out.

“Doing what?”

“Why are you being so mean?”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m sorry if you think that Kathryn, but I’m just trying to get this done so I can get back to my mom and dad’s,” he said, his mouth still formed in a firm line. 

“Why do you
have to go back to your parents’?  Why can’t you just stay here?”

He looked up at her again and cocked his head with a slight smirk.

“You’re really going to ask me that?” he said sarcastically. “We both know why I can’t stay here.”

“No.  You know why, but I don’t understand.”

“Then you’re even denser than I thought,” he said and she felt her mouth gape. “By the way, where’s Sarah?”

Kathryn just continued to glare at him.

“Where’s Sarah?” he repeated.

“She spent the night at my parents,” she finally answered and he laughed lightly and looked away. “What?  Why are you laughing?”

“So you got rid of her for the night so you could spend it with him?”

“I didn’t get
rid
of her,” she said defensively. “And what I did last night and who I was with is none of your business.”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked angrily.

“Just that what you do and who you do it with is none of my business because we’re just friends.  I don’t care who you’re with.”

“If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be acting like such a jerk,” she snapped.

“I’m not being a jerk.  I’m being a realist.  You forced me to become one.”

She sighed in frustration, wanting so badly to go over and shake some sense into him.

“So, are you moving out permanently?  Or are you going to realize what an idiot you’re being about all of this?”

“So you’re resorting to name calling now?” he smirked.

“You started it by calling me dense.”

“I’m sorry about that,” he said, but she couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.

“Well, what’s your answer?  Are you moving out for good because I’d really like to know so I can make other arrangements?”

“What other arrangements?  Is Jace moving in?” he spat.

“No, Jace is not moving in!  I just need to know so I can stop wondering if you’re ever coming back.  You know I can’t afford this place on my own.”

“I know you can’t,” he said suddenly sounding like his normal, sensible self.

“Then you can see why I need to know.”

He paused and then sighed, leaning back in his desk chair and running his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know Kate.  I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said, his voice thick with frustration. “I hate being back at my parent’s house.  I miss it here.  I miss seeing Sarah every day. 
I miss you,” he said, his eyes looking over to her. 

“I miss you too.  That’s why you need to come home.  And by home I mean here, with me and Sarah.”

“I can’t.  Why can’t you see that?  Things are just too different between us now.  It’s too hard to be here and pretend like it doesn’t bother me to see you with him.  It kills me Kate, every time I see you together.”  He shook his head and looked away and Kathryn didn’t know what to say. “I don’t want to leave you and Sarah in a lurch.  I can’t do that, but I can’t do this anymore, not unless things change.”

“And what’s supposed to change?  Am I supposed to tell you I love you and run into your arms?  Would that make a difference?” she asked sarcastically as their eyes met and then she turned serious.  “Because…because I do love you.  I love you.  There, I said it.  I know I love you, but I can’t love you.  I can’t.”  Her eyes were filling with tears.  She was so tired of arguing with her own heart and mind.

“Why not?  What’s stopping you?” he asked sternly.

“Because you’re Ben’s brother!” she shouted, finally unable to contain her frustration.

“But I’m not Ben,” he retorted, standing up and walking closer to her. “And I know you better than anyone, including Jace, so why are you punishing me for being his brother?  Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”

He was only standing a few feet
from her now, his tall figure towering over her.  Her heart was pounding because part of her wanted to go to him, to feel his arms around her, to bury her face in his chest and tell him to never let go.  She wanted that familiarity, that closeness only they’d shared since Ben died, since she thought her life had been over.

“Because you confuse the hell out of me!” she blurted out and then started rambling. “I don’t know if I have feelings for you or…or if it’s Ben because you remind me of him…because you look like him and act like him…but I know you’re not Ben because you’re so different than him too and you’ve been amazing since he died and you only think you love me because of our connection to Ben
, but when you think about it, you don’t really love me and you know it because…” but her words were cut off as he moved swiftly to close the gap between them.  He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers, silencing her string of doubts.  His lips were warm and soft and she felt herself melting beneath them as she kissed him back.

“I do love you Kathryn,” he said in a low, rugged whisper as he
rested his forehead against hers, still holding her face in his hands. “And it’s not because of Ben, it’s because of you.  You made me fall in love with you.”

She was crying now and she couldn’t open her eyes to look at him as he continued to hold her face.  She felt him lean in for another kiss, but she pulled back before their lips could meet
.  His hands fell to his sides and she finally opened her eyes.  He was staring back at her and even though he towered over her, he looked small. 

“I can’t Luke,” she said quietly, barely able to get any sound through the lump in her throat. 

“Because of him?  Because of Jace?” Luke asked smugly. 

“Because I can’t,” she answered.

“But you can with Jace?”

“It’s not the same and you know it.”

He was quiet as he continued to stare at her.

“What?  What
is it?” she demanded.

“How could you do this to Ben? How can you just forget about him?” he finally asked angrily.

“You think I’ve forgotten about him?”

“Obviously you have.  You’ve just moved on, like he never existed.”

“How dare you!” she shouted, any hint of tenderness between them instantly gone. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!  You don’t know what I struggle with everyday.  You have no idea at all!”

“It can’t be too hard if you’ve replaced him with Jace,” he snickered.

“Shut… your… mouth…right…now Luke,” she said slowly between gritted teeth.

“Do you think Ben’s watching while you’re with him?  What do you think he thinks about that?” he taunted.

As she listened to the hateful words spew from his mouth, she’d never been filled with so much anger. 

“Don’t you talk to me that way!” she seethed at him and without thinking, her hand rose up and slapped him across the face, causing his head to jerk back.  He grabbed his cheek and stared at her.  “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but what I do with my life is my business and you need to stay out of it!  You have no clue what you’re talking about,” she yelled, the tears of confusion turning to tears of anger.

“I just think it shows what little class you have, with your fiancé being dead and all.”

“Exactly Luke.  Ben’s dead and what am I supposed to do?  Should I
go live in a cave or better yet, maybe I should join a convent.  Would that make you happy?” she shouted at him.

“You just need to think about what you’re doing and about what people are going to think about you.”

“Funny thing, Luke,” she said with a sarcastic laugh through her tears. “You don’t seem to have a problem with me
forgetting
about Ben when it comes to you and me.”

“That’s different.”

“It is?  How is it different?’ she demanded.

“Because it is.”

“No, it’s not,” she insisted.

“Yes it is.”

“How?  Please explain your logic.”

“
Because it’s what he would want!” he shouted.

“Don’t say that!”

“I know it’s true and if you really think about it, you know it’s true too,” he said, his eyes boring into hers.

“It’
s taken me a long time to come to the realization that Ben isn’t coming back.  I’ve finally accepted that he’s dead and I’ll never see him in this life again. Jace is really good to me and he understands my past.  He accepts me and he cares about me and he cares about Sarah.”

“But he doesn’t know you like I do,” Luke interrupted. “And he could never care for Sarah the way I do.”

“Just stop, Luke,” she said wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I thought you were my friend, my best friend.”

“I was,” he said, raising his voice again
. “But that was before I lost all respect for you.”

“
I’m not listening to this anymore.  Get out!” Kathryn finally demanded pointing to the door.

He stared at her with pure hate in his eyes, but stayed frozen in place for a moment before turning to walk towards the door, but then stopping to face her.

“You know Kathryn, I expected more from you.  But you’re finally showing your true colors and it’s apparent now that you
never
cared about my brother, if you can throw away everything we’ve built to take care of his daughter.  None of it means anything to you.”

“Get the hell out!  And I don’t care if you ever come back,” she growled at him as she shoved him toward the door.  He glared at her once more and then stormed out.  She heard his footsteps pound down the hall and then the front door slammed so hard the pictures on the wall shook.

Her blood was pumping from all the adrenaline and once the front door closed, she collapsed on her bed, staring around the room wondering what in the world had just happened between her and Luke. 

She knew she shouldn’t listen to anything he said.  He was obviously crazy or something, but then again, what if he wasn’t?  Everyone knew she loved Ben, that she still loved Ben, but what if her relationship with Jace was wrong?  What if Ben did want her and Luke together?  What if
she
wanted to be with Luke?  What if everything Luke had been saying was right?

She curled up in a ball on her bed as she stared at the picture of Ben in the broken, glassless frame through her tears.  What had he done to her?  Why had he left?  He destroyed everything when he died.

Chapter 48

She was a wave of emotions, changing from confused, betrayed, livid and hopeless in the blink of an eye.  She couldn’t shake the confrontation with Luke or her night with Jace, when she’d realized she couldn’t move on.  She didn’t know how long she’d laid on her bed, staring at the photo of Ben after Luke left before finally coming back to reality and driving to her parent’s house to pick up Sarah. 

Kathryn had never been able to hide anything from her mom and it was no different when she walked into the house to get her daughter. Sarah had been excited to see Kathryn, and she scooped her up quickly so she could avoid any small talk with her mother that would allow her to ask any questions.  The attempt at a quick exit was pointless though because Kathryn could feel her mom’s eyes on her as she hurriedly gathered the diaper bag, claiming she couldn’t stay long because she had homework to do. 

“Is everything alright?” her mom asked as Kathryn flung the bag over her shoulder and made her way to the front door.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.  I’m just in a hurry to get back to work.  Thanks again for watching her,” Kathryn said as her hand rested on the gold doorknob.