All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart) (3 page)

I had put
in a Ham for dinner thinking maybe just maybe that will keep him from his
moods. I heard movement coming from the back of the house and then the
bedroom door came open. "What the Fuck Stinks," he shouted tripping
over the basket of clothes and stumbling a few feet. Once he realized that he
had fallen over the folded clothes he picked it up and dumped the remaining clothes
that hadn’t spilled out onto the floor then looked up at me with a smile on his
face, "Clean this fucking mess up!" I never argued I just did it but
not before I watched him walk passed me and straight to the oven. With a small
hint of hope that maybe his mood would lighten up I watched. He open the oven
door pulled out the almost completed ham I had spent all afternoon preparing.
He walked to the front door opened it and threw the entire thing out into the
front yard pan and all. He slammed the door and grumbled something about,
"fucking stinks like garbage."

After I
picked up and refolded the clothes a second time I hid out in my room until I
was startled by a loud pounding on my door, "Payton get your ass out
here...Take me to get my truck," he shouted in between pounding. I opened
the door to find him leaning against the opposite wall with his bottle of
whiskey in hand. I said nothing I just walked out to my car and drove him to
get his truck.

The rest
of my weekend was surprising quiet with the exception of occasionally hearing
grumbling coming from John in between him passing out and banging against the
walls as he tried to make his way down the hallway to the bathroom or the
bedroom. I talked to Casey late Sunday evening. She was concerned about me. She
went on and on about us needing to talk to someone about John. After I
convinced her that things are okay and he was leaving me alone she let go of
the idea. She continued on about Dylan being really bothered by my so called
"Abusive Boyfriend" she told me I think he has feelings for you
Payton. Not that I believed her in any way at all, he just thinks of me as a
little sister he needs to protect. After our conversation I went to bed laying
there not being able to fall asleep just thinking. Eventually after who knows
just how long I drifted off.

           
Chapter Four

So Monday
came and I sort of drifted through the day. Comments were made about my
clothes. A couple of the guys asked me why I teased them showing off my legs
and now I am all covered up again. To be honest I really tried to just avoid
everyone including Casey. If I was with Casey then I would be forced to feel
and I just didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted to shut down to forget who I
was. I wanted to get through the day and make it through the night without a
confrontation that would either get me hit or something thrown at me.

Casey
finally approached me on Wednesday and I smiled..."Hey Case," she
just looked at me and then said, "that’s all I get... Hey Case. Really
Payton you have been trying to avoid me all week. I can't get you on the phone
at night. Every time I catch up with you in the hall you have an excuse of
something you forgot or somewhere you need to be. Did I do something wrong?"
It really did break my heart to hear her say that. Of course she didn’t do
anything wrong. Casey is the only person I know I can count on no matter what
it is. She never judges me, never questions it...she just listens. I smiled and
told her, "You didn’t do anything wrong I am just tired that’s all".
She asked me to come over and hang out but I lied and told her that John had
grounded me for two weeks for not coming home Friday night. I knew it would buy
me sometime to be by myself. I just wanted to be left alone.

I went
through the movements day by day for the next few days but made sure to try and
put on a happy face around Casey to make things just a little easier. Friday
came and I was walking toward my car when I saw Casey leaning against the hood
waiting for me. "Hey," I tried to sound happy, but she is no fool
when it comes to my many masks. She knew that it was as
fake
as it could get. Looking at her closer now than I guess I had all week I could
see she looked seriously worried and scared, "Payton, I miss you. We
really should talk. Promise me you'll call this weekend and talk to me...Please."
I nodded in return as she handed me a note squeezing my hand lightly in the
exchanged then turned toward Seth who was waiting for her by her car.

When I
got home I walked straight to my room hearing John grumble sarcastically from
the couch as I passed him, "Great Payton is home... now my day is
complete." I never turned until I reached my room. I walked straight to my
bed and sat down still holding Casey’s note in my hand. As I unfolded it I wondered
if I should read it or wait. I knew it was going to force me to feel something and
I still didn’t want to feel anything. Staring at it for a moment I finished
unfolding it and began reading...

Payton,

Before you
go any further I need you to know I love you so much, you’re the sister I never
had and the best friend anyone could ask for. My heart is breaking for you. I
have seen you walk these halls at school all week lost. You have become a shell
of yourself. You look exhausted and miserable. I know you haven't slept and by
the looks of it eaten in days. I am terrified that you are losing yourself. You
can't let this happen I know he has hurt you and you are starting to believe
when he tells you that it is your fault your mother left. Don't let him win
Payton. Your life can be better if we just talk to someone we can get help. I
know you worry about where you will end up if you turn him in but we will
figure it out. Please!!! I really am scared Payton, so worried that you are
going to do something to hurt yourself or to provoke him just to end it. You
are an amazing person with such a big heart and he is breaking you. He is
winning. You’re letting him break you. He is a Bastard that doesn't deserve to
have you continue to protect him. I need you around Payton you can’t avoid me
and push me away. No matter how hard you push I will not let you go. Dylan is
worried to I had to practically lock him in the house to keep him from coming
over to your house throughout this week. He wants to talk to you. It is weird
but he has actually been tolerable this week and very concerned about you. He
comes to my room every night asking me how you are. Please call me I know your
grounded but I also know that Johns spends a lot of time over the weekend in
the bars and you can sneak a call to me at least.

Don’t let
him destroy the Payton I know and love.

Love You
Always,

Casey

With
tears in my eyes I folded the note back up and tucked it into my school bag. I
lied back onto the bed and dosed off. I woke to a loud crash. When I opened my
bedroom door there was another crash and I then realized that John was throwing
the figurines mom had left on the shelves in the living room against the wall
breaking them into pieces. I backed away and back down the hallway inching back
into my room closing the door lightly behind me. I curled up on the floor in
the corner on the other side of my bed and stayed there until morning.

Glancing
at the clock it was 7:48 am on Saturday. I was thirsty and by the sounds of it
he was passed out somewhere and it seemed safe. I went out into the living room
seeing the mess that John had left after his temper tantrum I decided to clean
it as quickly as possible and then get me and my drink back to my room before
he woke up. I got the porcelain shards cleaned as best as possible without
running the vacuum for fear of waking him. I was about to pour myself a glass
of milk when from right behind me I heard John smack the countertop startling
me and then causing me to drop the gallon of milk onto the floor spilling onto
the linoleum. I hurried to grab it before too much spilt and was struck in the
center of the back by
Johns
fist. The pain shot
through me and felt as if it exploded out my chest. All the breath within my
lungs disappeared. I fell to the floor and gasped for any air I could retrieve.
John from behind yelled, "You stupid little bitch, can you do anything
right? Clean this fucking mess up and get the hell out of here I am tired of
seeing your face every day. Why have you been here so much anyway?" He
grabbed me by the back of the shirt and lifted me up quickly. He had kept ahold
of my shirt as he dragged me to the front door and pushed me out onto the front
porch. I turned still slightly hunched over just looking at him with
questioning eyes. "Just leave, get the hell outta here," he said with
no emotion before turning and shutting the door behind him. I stood on the edge
of the porch trying so hard to fill my lungs with air the shock of what had
just happened starting to sink in I leaned back against the railing crying
silently. Before giving John a chance to open the door and find me still
standing there I began walking down the road toward town shoeless and still in
my pajamas.

As I got
closer to town my breathing became a little easier. I thought about stopping at
one of the houses along the country road and calling Casey to come get me but I
just kept walking. I finally had reached the edge of town and then I heard it
approaching...John’s truck. He veered off the road in front of me and came to a
screeching stop. He leaned over to open up the passenger door and yelled in my
direction, "Get in the truck!" I looked at him and for the first time
thought about running as I looked around and then back at him thinking there
was really no place to go. "Now," he screamed. I walked to his truck
and climbed in closing the door behind me I knew at that moment that I had just
made one of the biggest mistakes. He said nothing the drive home he just kept
squeezing the steering wheel and then releasing as if to taunt me with what he
was planning. I was terrified I should have ran, screamed anything instead of
getting into the truck. When we pulled in the drive he got out and walked
around to the passenger side yanking the door open and grabbing me by my hair.
He pulled me out so hard I actually think it took a few seconds for me to feel
anything but the pain from him pulling my hair. Once he had drug me through the
door of the house he slammed me against the refrigerator looking at me. He
brought his hand up quickly slapping me across the face hard, he leaned in then
spitting in my face as her slurred, "Clean up your fucking mess you nasty
little bitch." He let go of me and walked out the front door. I stood
there terrified to move not sure if it was over or if he was just preparing for
more. I heard his truck start up and back down the drive squealing his tires as
he drove toward town. I cleaned up the mess as quickly as possible and then
rushed toward my room. I had then made up my mind of what I would do next. I
was going to leave for good.

           
I started throwing my things into a bag as fast as I could just the main things
I needed which were kind of easy considering I really did not have much. My
last gift from anyone besides Casey was on my 11th birthday a month before my
mother left. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed but I opened my window and
leaned out placing the bag outside on the ground just below I may need to make
a fast get away and I would have to hide the bag. Then I closed my window again
as I heard the truck and shortly after the front door. I began to shake
wondering if he was going to come back to my room and start again. I listened
closely for a few minutes realizing that I heard more than just John’s voice
and found he was not alone. That gave me a little more comfort at least maybe
he would stay busy and leave me alone.

I sat on
the floor against the wall on the other side of my bed and prayed silently that
he stayed busy with his company. It was beginning to get dark out and I was
waiting for silence so then it would be safe to get the phone. I could call
Casey to meet me somewhere and help me get out of here. Time seemed to drag on
forever. They were getting really loud I couldn’t determine how many people
were actually there. I opened the door just barely to peek and see what the
chances were for me to snatch the phone unnoticed. Panicking after seeing a man
walk passed my door quickly making eye contact with me. I shut the door again
deciding to wait it out. Time ticked by slowly I looked at the clock and
realized it was now 11:31 pm, wondering just how long drunks could last. I must
have dosed off sitting there waiting because I woke again looking at the clock
it was 4:18 am. Listening I heard complete silence. They had giving out
apparently or left. There was no way I could wake Casey up this early I thought
to myself I will wait and give her time to sleep. I climbed up into my bed
without bothering to cover up. I curled over on my side and I fell back to
sleep.

The
weight on my chest was horrible, my legs felt so heavy. I felt as if no matter
how hard I tried I couldn’t move. The smell, it was an extreme horrible strong
aroma of Liquor so close...it was that moment in the darkness I realized I was
not alone. He was there and on top of me pinning me to the bed.

I began
to struggle against the weight of him. I tried to move, tried to free myself from
this trap. The more I struggled the harder he pushed my arms and legs into the
mattress. "Lay Still Sweetheart, I promise I'll be gentle. You’re
gonna
love this almost as much as me." The words came
out it a slurred mess but I then realized this was not John it was some
stranger. The guy from the hallway earlier some random guy John brought back to
get drunk with. He was so heavy I couldn’t get free from his hold, I began to
panic. His mouth was on my neck and he was running his hand up and down my body
as he held my wrists with the other above my head. I began to cry pleading that
he stop. "
Shh
," He whispered, "Just
lay still you sweet thing and I promise I will make you feel...mmm so good. You
have such a sweet little body." I felt the vomit raise in my throat, the constricting
feeling in my chest as the panicking started to get worse. What was I going to
do, how could I stop this full grown man from attacking me. "You smell so
sweet…damn your making my mouth water," he started running his tongue down
my neck breathing hard in my ear. Every time he spoke or touched me I felt like
I was going to vomit.  He slid his hand up my waist pausing to squeeze my
hip then slowly sliding his hand up under the bottom of my shirt. I cried out,
"Please stop...don’t do this please." Hoping that somewhere within
himself he could find the wrong in this and just let me go. He kept going until
his hand was over my breast he lightly squeezed and at the same time, whispered
in my ear, "now those are some sweet little
titties
...”
Before I knew it he was jumping up off me and hollering, "What the heck...
ahh
," I had thrown up all over him. I took it as the
opportunity to run. Once I hit the front door I didn’t stop I ran until I
reached an old shed along the road and hid there next to it quietly listening
for any movement. Any sign that he had followed or that John had woken up to
also come after me.