All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart) (5 page)

Later
that night we were all sitting in the living room and I caught Dylan staring at
me a few times but when I made eye contact he would quickly look away. It left
me puzzled, had I done something wrong? Was I that bad at kissing? When Casey
and I went to bed that night I started feeling really self-conscious.
"Payton I am here if you need to talk. You seem really quiet, listen I
know people are talking but don’t let them get the best of you. Hell with
them." I had to smile how was I so lucky to have Casey in my life, "It
really isn't that Case I could care less about those people." Still not
convinced she said, "Talk to me Payton don’t shut me out, we can't do that
again you have to keep talking through your feelings and don't keep bottling
them up....." I interrupted her ongoing ramble, "Dylan kissed
me..." I paused a few seconds letting her take it in before continuing,
"Today right before you and Carter came in and it wasn't just a quick
little kiss. It was a Mind Blowing, give it all you have let me make love to
your mouth kiss," for a second she looked a little ill. Then she swallowed
hard and responded, "That's why you looked like you were in a state of
shock when I came home today. So did he say anything?" I shook my head and
continued, “He seemed so into it I mean he initiated the whole thing not that I
am complaining at all because frankly you know that I have fantasized about it
forever, but he pulled away quickly when the door jiggled and he heard you guys
coming in. Then during the movie a couple times he was looking at me but once I
made eye contact he looked away so fast. I think maybe I did something
wrong." Casey made a couple gag noises in response to what she had just
heard followed by a little giggle, "He is my brother and I can't believe
that I am having this conversation about him, but first you didn’t do anything
wrong he is just probably a bit shocked by it all, kind of like you are and he
isn’t sure how to approach it give him a little time. Who knows maybe he thinks
if I find out I'll be mad or something." We laid there next to one another
and just to get her going I gave her a few details regarding the kiss and how
amazing her brother is with his tongue she covered her ears and threatened me
with bodily harm if I continued with any others details. We both laughed for a
while making a few more comments back and forth and then I started to fall
asleep but not before I heard Casey whisper, "I love that sound...your
laugh I'm really glad it's back." I smiled and reached over as we locked
pinkies and I responded, "Me to Casey, Me too." That night I fell asleep
with sweet memories of Dylan lips on mine.

After a
few days had passed I was really feeling strange around Dylan. He hadn't yet
talked to me. He would find ways to avoid me he started spending a lot of time
staying busy with friends and school…really anything that would keep him away
from me. I constantly had a feeling of insecurity. Casey was really frustrated
that the kiss between us even happened because as she puts it now...'There is a
huge elephant in the room that she can’t say anything about'. I felt really out
of place constantly. I found myself hiding out mostly making the chances of
bumping into him during a midnight trip to the kitchen impossible. During the
next week things began to happen. Charges were placed and filed on both John
and also Roger the man who had attacked me. Apparently Roger had a previous
record of sexual assault and was placed in jail to serve time again. A
restraining order was in effect on John and for once I felt safe from him.
About a week later John was picked up leaving a bar for DUI, after punching an
officer and striking another one with a pipe he had retrieved from the bed of
his truck then trying to flee on foot he was placed in jail and now will
definitely serve time.

He
couldn’t touch me!

Casey was
spending a lot of time lately with Seth he felt left out...Poor Guy. Carter and
I spent time playing video games I became really good at a number of war games
and could really hold my own on NBA games. School had become easier people
stopped talking about me after stories stopped appearing in the paper about the
whole situation. They found other things to talk about. I buried myself in
homework most evenings in between video games and helping with my share of the
chores Karen left for us to do. I didn't mind helping in any way I could, Karen
offered me a real home and the fear of abuse was gone. I never found myself
looking over my shoulder.

Winter
activities were approaching and the weather was changing fast. Karen took me
and Casey shopping often, I always felt horrible about her buying me things.
She insisted that she get me a cell phone added to her plan. I had never had a
cell phone before. I started dressing more like a girl and feeling better about
myself. I actually started doing my hair and wearing makeup. Even if I was trying
to get Dylan to pay attention to me more I still felt better walking into a
room and having people actually notice me. For the first time in my life I
actually started to feel like I belonged.

John had
actually spent some real quality time with my old Camry after he was released
from jail that first night I left. He removed all the wheels and used a sledge
hammer to break out all the windows, headlights and Tail lights. He then used a
spray can to decorate it all up with some real catchy phrases. "You little
whore", "Rot in Hell", "Little Bitch"...etc. and then
dumped rotting garbage throughout the entire thing. Needless to say that to fix
everything he had damaged it would have cost more than what it was worth. I was
able to get some things from the house and the case worker was waiting for the
paperwork to be completed to allow me to get the rest even though I was pretty
sure after John's Camry Masterpiece there really wasn’t going to be much I
would be able to get. I decided to get a job to be able to buy my own things
and stop Karen from trying to make up for what my parents had done to me in my
life. I knew it wouldn't completely stop her from buying me things but at least
I could try to cut it back a little. I got a part time job at a Cafe serving coffee.
It was a relaxing little place ran by an older couple. People would bring a
good book order a cup of coffee and relax. The owners Mr. and Mrs. Martin were
so friendly and relaxed. I actually looked forward to going in after school and
seeing them. Casey would drop me off after school on most nights or I would use
Karen’s car when she didn’t need it.

The
winter dance at school was coming up and I really wasn't as hyped up as Casey and
most of the other girls were about it. The guy that I would have loved to go
with is now the same guy who is ignoring me and regrets our first kiss. I
really hadn’t planned on even going. Of course Casey wasn't having that I was
going or she wasn't! Seth was a little aggravated about that decision so I
figured I would make it easier on him and tag along as a third wheel. That was
the story of my life...the outsider.

I was
sitting in study hall last period on a Friday and my phone vibrated in my bag.
I checked the text message of course from Casey "TODD IS GOING TO ASK YOU
TO THE DANCE!!!" I stared at the screen for a minute before replying

"How
do you know?"

Almost
immediately she responded, "He told Seth 2day at lunch...we can
double!!!"

"K"
was all I could think to say.

It would
be nice to actually have a date instead of feeling like a tag along with Casey
and Seth. But I couldn’t help it that my heart still sank when I thought about
the fact that the guy I would be dancing with wouldn't be Dylan. After school I
walked to Casey’s car waiting for my ride to work. I could see Todd, Casey and
Seth were approaching as I leaned against the passenger side.

Casey
grinning from ear to ear walked up and smiled at me as her and Seth said their
goodbyes. Todd walked around the front of the car and then leaned against the
door with me he lightly
nudge
my shoulder with his,
"How do you stand that, it looks like they're
gonna
swallow each other." I laughed pulling away from the car now that it was
unlock to get ready to leave when Todd quickly said, "Hey Payton, um I was
wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the dance me...I wasn't really going to
go but then when I found out that you'd be going I thought maybe we could go
together." He was beginning to ramble and to save him from continue any
further I responded by saying, "Sure why not."

Casey
dropped me off at work and told me she would be back at 8:30 pm to get me. Work
went pretty fast. I cleaned up after we closed at 8 and told Mr. Martin I was
leaving when I walked out front I looked around for Casey's car and then that's
when I saw him. Dylan was sitting in his truck waiting, looking at me threw the
opened window. My heart skipped a beat, my mouth became dry and for a second I
actually felt like my legs were made of concrete. I wasn’t sure I could move,
he hadn't said more than two words for almost two months and now here he was
picking me up. My eyes connected with his and he smiled. I took a deep breath
and walked over to his truck. After I got in he looked at me still smiling,
"Hi." That was it really after we kissed and then he ignored me for
months that’s all I get. Smiling in return but not replying he started the
truck and we drove home in silence.

After coming
to a stop in the driveway I grabbed the handle to get out and he reached out to
place his hand on my arm. With the contact my heart raced I wasn’t sure what to
say, what not to say, how to act...anything. "Payton wait," he
removed his hand from my arm as quickly as he had placed it on me. I turned my
head slightly toward him my body still slanted outward. I just looked at him
waiting for him to continue. He placed his hands on his steering wheel and
squeezed. He looked out toward the house as if he was trying to figure out what
to say. I had butterflies, maybe he was going to tell me he loved me and that
he had for so long just wasn't sure how to tell me....maybe just maybe for once
someone could love me the way I loved them..., just maybe. He took a deep
breath and then crushed my hopes. "Payton, I never should have kissed that
day in the kitchen it was wrong of me. Your only 17 and your my sisters best
friend. It was a mistake, I am so embarrassed that....." I cut him off I
couldn’t take anymore I was on the verge of losing it. I had to get out of here
and quickly. I held up my hand as to wave it off, "Wow Dylan seriously,
don’t
worry about it honestly it was no big deal." I
slid out of the truck and went for the house I never looked back I went straight
for the bathroom, turned on the shower, after climbing in I sat down on the
floor as the water hit my body and face. I cried silently for what must have
been too long. Casey knocked on the door bringing me back to reality.
"Payton are you okay? You've been in there awhile," I looked down at
my hands and saw they were wrinkled and then I noticed the water had started to
cool. "Yeah, I'll be right out,” I yelled back to her as I washed my hair
and body quickly. Climbing out of the shower I dried off and wrapped a towel
around my body. I rushed out of the door as Dylan was coming down the hallway.
I didn’t want him to see that I was crying. "Did you save any hot
water?" he said with a little laugh. Casey hollered at Carter to stop
being a pest from down the hall which caused me to look up and then he seen my
face. Dylan gripped both of my shoulders looking very concerned he said,
"Payton are you okay," slightly bending at the knees to be closer to
my level. "I’m fine really" saying in response and I practically ran
to Casey’s room and shut the door behind me.

One look
at my face and Casey knew something had happened. "What happened, what’d
he say to you? I was wondering why he volunteered to pick you up from work.
What did he do?" She demanded standing up from her bed and reaching for
the door handle. I stopped her quickly, "Case stop please just stop. It
was me I thought it was more than it really was. I thought the kiss meant
something but it didn't it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing that he
wishes he could take back." I walked over to the bed still wrapped in the
towel and I sat on the edge looking up at her she finally joined me on the bed.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders leaning her head in to rest against
mine, "Payton he's an idiot, a jerk. How could he not see how wonderful
you are, how lucky he would be to have you. It's his loss honey, he doesn't
deserve you." She kept her hold on me as I cried a little longer. How
could I be so stupid to think that Dylan would actually be interested in a high
school girl!

I made a
decision that night I was no longer going to live in the past I was going to
move forward and leave it all behind. The saddest part about that decision was
that also meant leaving behind Dylan and the feelings I have had for him for
the last four and a half years maybe even longer. I had to except that I was
just not someone he could feel that way about in return. I went to sleep that
night with a promise made to myself to stop allowing people to hurt me. To
start living!

Saturday
morning Casey and I had decided to invite over Todd and Seth to watch movies.
Karen had made plans with some friends and was going to be gone most of the day
and then had to work this evening. Carter went to spend the night with a friend
and Dylan was still in bed. The guys had decided to come over about one. Casey
ordered pizza to be delivered. We were sitting in the kitchen talking about the
fact that we had let Seth and Todd pick out the movies on the way over worrying
if we were about to be subjected to a day of murder and gore. We both looked up
to see Dylan stumbling into the kitchen still half asleep. He was wearing a
pair of shorts and his hair was still tousled and sticking up from sleeping. He
rubbed his eyes yawned and went straight to the refrigerator. As he turned
around after grabbing the gallon of milk and setting it on the counter he
looked me straight in the eyes. He smiled of course the sexy little grin that
gets me every time. I looked at Casey quickly and she could tell without even
asking that I was instantly nervous and anxious in his presence. In her own way
she decided to push some buttons, "There’s pizza on the way, mom told me
to order four. You can only have one though," she said to him with a
snotty like smirk. He looked at her squinting still from just getting up,
"So what, now you and Payton are eating like a couple of guys or
what?" She looked at me winked and then replied with, "No actually we
have a couple of hunky guys coming over to share them with us." After
looking at me and then back to Casey still looking for an answer without asking
who these guys were..."Seth and Payton's date to the winter dance and
future boyfriend Todd. He really likes her and I think he may actually make it
official today.” She turned back to me saying, "You know that he’s liked
you since like freshman year right. He went on and on the other day in
chemistry about how pretty you are and that you make him so nervous. I think it
is so cute." Dylan finished pouring his milk, put the remaining back into
the fridge and left the room. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I demanded
looking straight at Casey. She shrugged stood up from the table leaned over
really close to me and stated, "Make him jealous Payton. Act like you
could care less about him…that what happened is the last thing on your mind...
believe
me!" She walked from the room to answer the now
ringing doorbell.