All Messed Up: Windy City Kink, Book 2 (21 page)

“We had fun,” she continued, trying to keep her tone gentle, even though she knew each word was a potential knife. “In the airport. In the hotel. In California. But it was just a crazy one-week adventure. That was all I wanted. A chance to feel those things again, to take a risk, feel the rush, knowing that the consequences were pretty minimal. Because we both agreed on it. Once we got back to Chicago, it was supposed to be done. Right?”

He continued to gaze at her and as his arms slackened around her, she slid off his lap and stood. Weakness slid down her legs though, and she hoped she could keep standing.

Finally, he said, “Right.” He lifted his chin, his mouth a straight line, his eyes dark. “You’re right.” He gave his head a little shake. “Of course you’re right. Wow.” Then he gave a short laugh. “Sorry, Mallory. Didn’t mean to cause you more stress.” He got up and reached for his jacket and slung it on. He paused. “All right then. Sure you’re feeling okay?”

No. God no. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever felt worse. “Yeah, I’m fine. Now I know what these panic attacks are, they’re not actually so bad. They pass. I’m fine.”

“Okay. Good.” He moved to the door. “Take care then.”

He paused with his hand on the knob and she swore she felt her heart cracking, like stepping on a frozen puddle, cracks radiating from the center puncture, freezing pain spreading all through her body like shards of ice were streaming through her veins.

He turned to look at her. “You think I made you do all those crazy things,” he said, eyes steady on her. “You need to do some serious thinking about that, Mal. Because I did not make you do any damn thing that you didn’t want to do. You loved it all. You need to own that.”

Her eyes went wide and she watched him walk out.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Joe left Mallory’s building and blindly got into his truck. He sat there for a long time before he turned the key in the ignition and put it into gear to drive home, trying to think, but really just feeling.

He’d gotten good at turning off the feelings, something he’d practiced his whole life. But this time it was nearly impossible. It was also nearly impossible for him to recognize what he was feeling, since he’d never really let himself feel things before. All he knew was, it hurt like a motherfucker.

Thinking about the things Mallory’d told him, her crazy guilt over what she’d done in high school, fourteen fucking years ago, for fuck’s sake, the burden she’d carried ever since, made his gut churn and burn. She’d sounded…afraid. So afraid of going back. Of making mistakes.

Life wasn’t life unless you made mistakes.

She thought he was a mistake. That fucking hurt too.

But then his years of practice kicked in and he fought the feelings back. So she didn’t want anything to do with him. So what. He would never beg for love or attention. After years of hoping for that from his father, after years being kicked in the teeth and rejected at every turn, he would never do that again. So he hadn’t been about to stand there in front of Mallory and beg her to let him in. Tell her she was being stupid not to give them a shot.

She wasn’t stupid. But she was fucked up.

And since he didn’t give a shit about anything, he was going to leave her to her fucked-up life and get on with his own fucked-up life.

He found himself driving back to his buddy Kevin’s place. He had no idea if the others were still there, the game long over, probably pizza and beer consumed and gone. But he couldn’t go home and be alone.

He parked on the street in front of Kevin’s place. The lights were all on, and he recognized Beamer’s car. So he at least was still there.

He rapped on the door and entered without waiting for someone to answer. Inside, he heard the television and voices and turned to the open living area that occupied one side of the main floor of the house. Yeah, there was Kevin, slouched in an armchair, beer in hand, looking about as happy as Joe felt. Kevin had been moody as hell lately.

Beamer was in another chair and on the couch were Kevin’s roommate Sasha and her boyfriend Jack. They all looked up at him as he walked in.

“You’re back,” Beamer said. “What the fuck, man?”

Joe shrugged off his jacket again and hung it on a coat rack near the door. “Crisis averted.”

“Dude. You were gone for hours.”

“Yeah, but it’s all good now. The chick I met on the way to Los Angeles was having a little problem, but it’s taken care of.”

They all stared at him.

“Mallory?” Sasha asked.

“Yeah. Got more beer?”

“Fridge. Help yourself,” Kevin said.

He did so.

“There’s pizza too,” Sasha called to him. “If you’re hungry.”

“I ate. But thanks.” He popped the top of the bottle and took a long pull as he walked back to the living room and threw himself into the last empty chair.

“You met her on the plane to L.A.?” Sasha continued.

“Yeah.”

“They shared a hotel room when their flight got cancelled,” Beamer said with an evil grin.

“Joe!” Sasha was sitting up straight. “What’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing. As of now. We met, we fucked, we’re done.”

He saw Sasha’s mouth drop open and her forehead crease, and he felt a pinch in his gut. Now he was being an asshole.

“She’s a nice girl,” Sasha said slowly.

“You know her?” Beamer asked, eyes wide.

“Not that well, but yeah. We went to hip hop classes together. Once, a bunch of us went out for drinks. Then I got too busy to go.” She fixed her gaze on Joe.

Joe tried to shake it off. “Sorry, Sash. But that was basically what happened.” He shrugged. “No big deal.”

“No,” she murmured. “No big deal. That’s why you just chugged that beer back faster than a kid at his first kegger.”

He held up the empty bottle. Huh. She was right.

“Also why you rushed out of here because something was wrong with her,” she added. She eyed him appraisingly.

“So, how about those Bears?” Joe said. It was a feeble attempt to change the subject but it worked, mainly because the guys didn’t want to dig too deep into his shit, even though they all clearly suspected something was wrong. Sasha, on the other hand, kept looking at him. Chicks always wanted to talk shit out, but that wasn’t how he rolled.

“So I’m looking for a new roommate,” Kevin threw out a while later.

Joe looked at Sasha and lifted his eyebrows. She smiled and glanced at Jack. “I’m moving in with Jack.”

This was about as surprising as a sunrise. “That’s great,” he said with a real smile for them. They were obviously tight and Joe knew Sasha already practically lived at Jack’s place, from what Kevin said. He looked at Kev. “What are you going to do about that?”

Kevin shrugged.

“What about Emma?” he asked.

Jack made a strangled-sounding noise. Kevin’s mouth tightened and he slumped lower in his chair. “Eh. Not sure we’re ready for that.”

Jack apparently wasn’t enthusiastic about his little sister moving in with a guy. Or was it because it was Kevin? There was something odd between Jack and Kevin. Kevin said he liked Jack and was happy for Sasha, but there was always a faint undercurrent of tension when they were both in the same room. It wasn’t as if they hated each other, it was more like…well, Jack apparently was pretty protective, not just of Emma but also Sasha, that was just the way he was. Joe got that, hell yeah, so maybe that’s what it was. Big brother looking out for sis.

“Kevin.” Sasha spoke up reprovingly. “You’re crazy about her.”

Kevin shifted in his chair, glancing at Jack, then back at the TV. “Uh.”

Apparently, he didn’t want to talk about this with Emma’s brother there.

Joe was struck with something. “I know someone who needs a new place to live.”

“Yeah?”

He eyed Kevin. “You up for another female roommate?”

Kevin shrugged. “I guess. Not sure if a chick would want to move in with a strange dude she’s never met though.”

“A male roommate would be good for her,” Joe said, liking the idea more. “And Sasha can vouch for you. It’s Mallory’s best friend. I can ask her.” Which meant he’d have to contact Mallory again. Whatever. He could do that.

“Okay. Thanks.”

Beamer left soon as he had to work in the morning, then Jack and Sasha went upstairs to her room.

“I should go too,” Joe said but didn’t move out of his chair. “Back to work tomorrow.”

“You okay, dude?” Kevin asked.

Joe eyed him. “You’re asking me? You’re the one sitting there staring into space half the day.”

Kevin sighed.

“Problem with Emma? I got the feeling you didn’t want to talk about her with her brother there.”

“No shit.” Kevin rubbed his forehead. “Things have been kind of up and down with Emma, but if Jack thinks I’m doing anything to hurt her, he’ll beat me to a bloody pulp. You know he’s a black belt in Aikido?”

“Yeah. Heard that. But you’re no puny wimp.” Kevin worked out. He was tall and lean but well-muscled.

“Yeah, but I’m no black belt. Anyway. Appreciate that he’s trying to let us work through things, but…”

“What’s going on?”

Kevin stared into space again. “It’s not her. It’s me.”

Joe laughed. “At least you’re taking responsibility. Afraid of commitment?” Kevin had no trouble attracting chicks. Good-looking guy, he worked out, dressed well, had a successful career as an architect…and that was the surface stuff. Joe also knew Kevin was a decent guy, loyal as fuck to his buddies, with a great sense of humor. He tended to be a bit reserved, to keep parts of himself very private, with everyone, which Joe had no issues with, but chicks didn’t dig that. When they were into a guy, they wanted into every piece of his life and his head. But his question was serious. Was it a fear of commitment that kept Kev from having any long-term relationships with the women he dated?

Kevin took his time answering. “Yeah. I guess that’s it.”

“Sasha seems to think you’re really into Emma.”

“She’s amazing.”

“Then what’s the issue?”

“Fuck.” Kevin tipped his head back. “Do you tell chicks everything about yourself?”

“Uh…what do you mean?”

“I mean, do you tell them all your dark dirty secrets?”

“I don’t have any dark dirty secrets. Oh wait. Apparently I do.” Christ. This news that his father wasn’t really his father would probably count.

Kevin frowned at him. “What?”

Joe stared at his feet, legs stretched out in front of him. “I just found out a dark dirty secret. Just before I went to California.”

Kevin straightened. “What, man?”

Joe sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“C’mon, the longer you make me wait, the more my imagination is running wild. You got a kid somewhere you didn’t know about?”

Joe choked out a laugh. “No.”

“STD?”

“No!” Joe paused. “Okay, I guess I’m gonna tell you guys at some point. I found out my mom had an affair with another man and got pregnant by him.”

Kevin frowned.

“Yeah. Me. The man I grew up calling Dad is not my biological father.”

Kevin’s eyes rounded. “Shit, man. Are you serious?”

“Yep.” He exhaled sharply. “My biological father lives in Long Beach. That’s why I went to California. I went to see him.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah. And it didn’t go so well. He wasn’t real thrilled to discover a son he never knew existed.”

“He never knew?” Joe heard the incredulity in Kevin’s voice.

“Mom never told him.”

“Holy shit,” Kev said again. He sank back into the chair, hands on the armrests. “Wow. You okay?”

“Hell yeah.” He made a face. “Whatever. Shit happens.”

“Sure, man. Sure.” Kev shook his head slowly. “So…that explains a lot about your relationship with your old man.”

“Yeah.”

“He was always so hard on you. None of us could ever figure it out. Bugged the hell out of me.”

Joe nodded slowly, a little astonished at this. He’d never talked a lot about this to his friends. But they’d noticed. And they’d been pissed off on his behalf. “Really?”

“Fuck yeah. Your dad’s an asshole. I mean…the dad you thought was your dad…you know what I mean. Fuck.”

“I know what you mean.”

“No offense, but we could never figure out why he was such a douche to you, and yet your brothers got away with everything.”

They had noticed. Joe’s chest tightened. “Yup, that was the way it was. I couldn’t figure it out either. Fucking made me nuts, trying to figure out what I’d done that had made him hate me so much.”

“Not your fault, dude. Holy shit, not your fault.” Kevin was now staring at him as if he’d just realized the secret to world peace. “That’s really messed up.”

“Fuck yeah. I know.” Joe sighed. “Haven’t even talked to my dad or my brothers, or even my mom much since I found out.”

“How did you find out?”

Joe told him the story about his grandma with Alzheimer’s.

“Wow.” Kevin shook his head. “That’s unbelievable. The truth comes out.”

“Yeah. Mom knew I was going to California. I talked to her when I got back. She wanted to know how Tim was. Tim, my biological father,” he added in explanation. “Like she still cares or something.”

There was a long moment of silence, then Kevin said, “Dude. Don’t judge. You can’t judge someone till you’ve been in their shoes.”

“So they say.” He shook his head. “I’m trying not to, but fuck, man, she cheated on my dad. And Tim said she was the ‘love of his life’.” Joe emphasized the words. Then he closed his eyes. What the hell did he know about love? “Anyway. As for your question—do I tell chicks about that? Since I just found out, I—” He stopped short. “I—”

“What?”

“I told Mallory,” he admitted. “When we were in California.”

“I thought she was just a fuck. And you’re done.”

“Ha. Very funny.” He narrowed his eyes at Kev. “What dark dirty secrets are you keeping from Emma?”

Kevin’s face shuttered. “Never said I was.”

“Yeah, you pretty much did.”

“Just stuff. You know. Personal shit you don’t tell everyone.”

“Well.” Joe looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I’m one to give advice. Kind of like that saying—if you can’t be a good example then you’ll have to be a horrible warning. After what happened with Zoe.”

“You kept stuff from her?”

“Not secrets. Not like that. But she told me when she dumped me that I kept parts of myself closed off. She felt like she couldn’t get inside me. Couldn’t tell what I was really feeling. And…” He shrugged. “She was right. I never wanted to let on when stuff bugged me. Stuff with my dad. Anything, really. She claimed she didn’t know if I even really cared about her.”

And then he went very still. He’d just done the same thing with Mallory. Didn’t want to let on how much her words had hurt him. Pretended he didn’t care. And she too would never know how he really felt about her. Shit.

He sat for a few minutes pondering that, a sick feeling in his gut, then gave his head a shake. “So…you don’t spill your guts about everything on the first date. Or even the second. But if it’s serious, I guess you both start sharing shit that you wouldn’t tell others.” He returned his gaze to Kevin. “You two have been going out awhile now. What…six months?”

“Almost. We broke up for a while.”

“Yeah. You never really said what that was about.”

“Eh. Stuff with her brother interfering. We got that sorted out, but…” He scrubbed a hand over the top of his head. “I dunno. I’m just spewing bullshit. Look, I gotta hit the hay.”

“Yeah. Me too. Shoulda left an hour ago. But, for what it’s worth, I really like Emma. You two seem good together. Like she’s into you too. Maybe it’s worth sharing a couple of dirty secrets.”

“What if she can’t handle them?”

Joe stood, squinting at his buddy, a straight-up, decent, loyal, hard-working guy. “Dude. There’s no fucking way your secrets can be that bad.” He slapped a hand on Kev’s shoulder and headed for the door. “Just tell her.”