All New People (3 page)

Emma
      Myron does other things in the off-season.

Charlie
      Like what?

Emma
      Myron's the island's drug dealer.

Charlie
      Your parents must be so proud.

Myron
      I prefer ‘Purveyor of Distractions'. I'm kinda like Ricardo Montalban from
Fantasy Island
; except I've yet to find a dwarf that'll yell ‘Da plane, Da plane!' (
In normal voice, not an impression of Hervé.
)

Charlie
      OK, listen to me. I have a gun in the other room. And if you people don't get up off that couch and get the fuck out of here right now, I'm gonna go in there and when I come back out, I'm gonna blow your fucking heads off!

Emma
      Myron? What are your vibes telling you about this latest outburst?

Myron
      They're telling me his gun's probably orange and says ‘Super Soaker' on the side.

Emma
      Why would you want to kill your friends?

Charlie
      You think we're friends?!

Emma
      I think Myron and I might be the only friends you've got. There isn't exactly a line out the door of people trying to stop you from turning yourself into a human piñata. Isn't that right, Myron?

Myron
      Now he's got a gun. I think he's just trying to get into your undies by weaving some kinda
Bonnie and Clyde
crime caper. I think, she caught you trying to dangle yourself and you thought, ‘Hey, I might as well go out with a bang . . .' So all of a sudden you're a killer on the run. I call it bullshit, I think you just wanna get in her pants by titillating her with fancy tales of stealing her all sorts of diamonds and bonds . . .

Charlie
      Bonds?

Myron
      Whatever they steal from banks these days . . .

Charlie
      I think it's still cash.

Myron
      In
Beverly Hills Cop
they stole bonds.

Emma
      I really just want a Green Card. Can you steal me that, Charlie? I'll be Bonnie to your Clyde if I could just have a bloody Green Card.

The action on stage freezes. A scrim lowers. A pre-shot film flickers to life. We are inside one of the pods of the ‘London Eye' Ferris wheel.
Emma
stands across from
Badger
,
a tough-looking British man.

Badger
      What a fucking atrocity.

Emma
      I think it's kind of nice.

Badger
      It's a fucking disaster. Thank God it'll all be consigned to the dump the second this millennium bollocks is over with.

Beat.

Badger
      Hand me the envelope.

She does.

Badger
      It'll be done on Monday; the day before he's scheduled to be paroled. You need to leave the country. No contact with anyone you know.

Emma
      I can't even call my dad? I have to say goodbye . . .

Badger
      Never again. No email, not even a post card.

Emma
      Is that it then?

Badger
      There is one more thing. Clementine Thomas nicknamed ‘Emma' by her mother, Annabelle, who died of breast cancer when her only daughter was barely eight years old. Your only surviving relative is your father, Russel, who tends bar at the Lion's Head pub in Camden. He roots for Tottenham Hotspur and likes to feed the ducks in Regent's Park after church on Sunday morning.

Emma
      How do you know all this? What's your point?

Badger
      We never met. You've never seen me. If you
do
ever see me again, it's because you fucked up. You done something wrong. And I'll slit your father's fucking throat
with a Samurai sword I won at auction without raising my pulse even one half a beat for the minute. You get all that?

Emma
      Yes.

Badger
(
he sings sweetly
)      Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, dear sweet darling, Clementine.

Beat. They see a plane flying out of Heathrow in the distance.

Badger
      Put your tray table up, Emma Thomas, we're about to get going . . .

The scrim rises up, lights up on stage.

Charlie
      You can't steal a Green Card.

Myron
      You could if you put the right team together.

Charlie
      What?

Myron
      You know those movies where they have to assemble the right team and everyone has their specialty and in the end it all works out because they each did their part?

Charlie
      Yeah.

Myron
      Well I'll bet if you put the right team together you could steal Emma a Green Card.

Emma
      Ooh, please put a team together, Charlie. I wanna follow the American dream and collect unemployment.

Charlie
      I am not a thief!

Emma
      ‘You can be anything you wanna be'; that's what Dad always said.

Charlie
      I don't know anything about putting a team of thieves together. I've never stolen anything in my life. (
Beat
.) I'm a fighter pilot for the U.S. Air Force.

Silence.

Myron
      Come on.      
Emma
Really?

Charlie
      I fly the F-22 Raptor for the Air Force! I've flown over two hundred sorties over Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm a fighter pilot. I'm not a fucking thief.

Myron
      Wow. That's a whole nother level. Do you mind if I use that one?

Charlie
      It's not a fucking pickup line, asshole. You're really starting to piss me off.

Myron
      You just don't strike me as a fighter pilot. You're a little too . . . Jewy.

Charlie
      That makes absolutely no sense. The Israeli Air Force is the second best air force in the world. I imagine there's probably a few Jews flying their planes. I'm not a liar.

Emma
      Well technically you did lie about owning this house.

Charlie
      Kevin O'Donnell and I went to college together. I told him I'm going through a hard time. I wanted to be alone, so he said I could come here.

Emma
      To kill yourself.

Charlie
      He doesn't know about that part. He's got more money than anybody I know and so he can afford to do his friend a favor.

Myron
      Well the place is just sitting here . . .

Charlie
      What?

Myron
      What I mean is . . . the house is just sitting here. It's the off-season.

Emma
      Myron, don't minimize Kevin's favor.

Myron
      I'm not minimizing his favor. It was very nice of him to let you off yourself in his beach house. But it's not like he's really given you anything at a loss to himself . . . What I mean is, he hasn't paid for anything.

Emma
      Heat . . .

Myron
      Yes, he's given you heat.

The doorbell rings. They all freeze.

Emma
      Oh fuck! The Goldbergs!

Charlie
      Jesus Christ.

Emma
      Wait, there's no car . . . Myron, did you tell anyone you were coming here?

Myron
      I didn't tell anyone, but I mean . . . people know I'm here.

Charlie
      How?

Myron
      Cause I got the fire truck parked outside.

Charlie
      You parked the fucking fire truck in front of the house?

Myron
      Well when I pulled up I didn't exactly expect
this
little fiesta did I?? I thought I was just dropping off some Canadian anti-depressants for ‘tea and crumpets' over there.

Emma
      For the record, they're not Canadian anti-depressants. I would never outsource my happiness to that glorified colony. They're produced here by the free and the brave.

The doorbell rings again.
Charlie
tries to see who it is.

Charlie
      Who the fuck is out there?!

Myron
removes a tube of glue and begins to inhale it loudly through his nose.

Charlie
      Are you huffing glue?!

Myron
      Yes I am; glue calms me. Now why don't you go open door number one and see what we've won. I'm hoping it's a dining set!

Emma
opens the door. There stands
Kim
.
She is twenty-two and stunning. They all stare. She looks at
Myron
in his uniform.

Emma
      Hello.

Kim
      Is there a fire?

Myron
is dumbfounded by her beauty.

Myron
      Uhhh . . . not anymore. I put it out.

Kim
      Oh. Thank God. I'm looking for Charlie Bloom.

Charlie
      I'm Charlie.

Kim
      Is everything OK?

Charlie
      Yes, everything's fine. I'm sorry, but who are you? How did you know I was here?

Kim
      Kevin O'Donnell sent me from New York City.

Charlie
      To do what?

Kim
      To cheer you up. He said you were down in the dumps. I'm a present. I'm yours for the night.

Myron
      Oh my God we've won a prostitute.

Kim
      I'm not a prostitute, I'm an escort.

Myron
      And I'm not a fireman, I'm a pressurized water courier. Come on inside. It's freezing out.

Charlie
      Wait . . .

She comes in the room.
Myron
closes the door and brings her into the room.

Kim
      It smells like glue.

Myron
      We were making a collage.

Kim
      Fun; I love crafts. Hi, I'm Kim.

Myron
      I'm Myron Dunlap, Chief of the Long Beach Island Fire Department and personal concierge to all VIP's from the neighboring island of Manhattan.

Kim
      Nice to meet you.

Charlie
      You're the chief of the fire department?

Myron
      Yes. Why are you so surprised?

Charlie
      Because you obviously have a drug problem!

Myron
      Doesn't really feel like a problem to me.

Emma
      Hello, I'm Emma. Welcome to our humble abode.

Kim
      Cool. I like your accent.

Emma
      Thanks, I made it myself.

Myron
      Can I offer you a drink?

Charlie
      No.

Kim
      Sure, tequila's fine. Do you guys have any cocaine?

Charlie
      Oh, Jesus.

Myron
      I like the way you enter a party, young Kimberly. Allow me to send a quick text . . .

Emma
      Get some nitrous-oxide and a bag of Cheetos too.

Myron
takes out his phone and types a text.

Charlie
      No, no, no, no. Stop taking your coat off. Look, I don't know how to say this nicely, but . . .

Get the fuck out! We are not having a party! Look . . . ma'am . . .

Kim
      Kim.

Charlie
      Kim. I'm really sorry, but I feel like there's been a misunderstanding. I can see what Kevin was trying to do. And he means well. But I'm not really in the mood to . . .

Kim
      You don't think I'm pretty?

Myron
     
I
think you're very pretty.

Kim
      Thank you.

Charlie
      What? No, you're very attractive. It's just that . . .

Emma
      Charlie's having an off day; he's not really in the mood to be . . . escorted.

Kim
      Well we don't have to really go anywhere. We can just sit here and talk if you want. Kevin bought me out for the whole night.

Charlie
      Look. It's not you, I'm just – I'm going through kind of a tough time right now. I'm actually trying to remove the guests I currently have, so it seems a bit counter-intuitive to be inviting new ones in.