All New People (8 page)

Charlie
      I know a joke.

Emma
      You do? Well let's have it.

Charlie
      God, I haven't told a joke in a long time.

Emma
      Well go for it. No judgements . . .

Charlie
      What's the last thing you wanna hear right after you have sex with Willy Nelson?

Emma
      What?

Charlie
      ‘I'm not Willy Nelson.'

Emma
and
Kim
laugh.
Charlie
smiles.
Emma
puts her arm around
Charlie
.
She passes him the joint. He smokes it.
Myron
looks on possessively.

Emma
      You know you really are cute. When I first saw you hanging there I didn't notice. But you really are. If you don't go through with it, maybe we could go out sometime. And then one day we could fall in love and have a zillion little babies together. And every single one of them will have big, beautiful, blue passports. That's what we all want isn't it?

Charlie
      Passports?

Emma
      No. Someone to love. And it's such a fleeting thing to pin all of our happiness on isn't it? It's like trying to build a house of cards on the back of a squirrel.

Myron
      You've got a lot of nerve, Emma.

Emma
      Excuse me?

Myron
      Doing this right in front of me when you know how I feel about you?

Emma
      Oh please don't start this now. We're all having such a good time.

Myron
      You know what, just be honest with me for once and for all: why am
I
not worthy of your love?

Emma
      You are worthy of my friendship, Myron. I enjoy you. I appreciate you. But for the last time, I cannot love you.

Myron
      Do you think I'm ugly?

Emma
      No, not at all.

Myron
      I make you laugh, I loan you money, I hold you when you cry, I . . .

Emma
      There's no recipe for love. You don't just go ‘this plus this plus this equals love'; it doesn't work like that. It's there or it's not. Is that the only reason you're nice to me? To win me over?

Myron
      I'm nice to you because I am completely in love with you. And I might just be the
only
person who will ever love you. (
Beat.
) You're damaged goods.

Emma
      Maybe you're right, maybe you are the only person in the world who will ever love me. That would be sad, but maybe that's just what I've been dealt. But I do not love you. And will not. You need to let it go. So for the last time: move on! (
Beat
.) Now, I think we should all go around the room and each say something nice about Charlie on his special day. I'll go first. Raise your glasses.

Only
Emma
and
Kim
raise their glasses.

Emma
      To Charlie, what can I say? As long as I've known you, you've had your ups and you've had your downs. I can tell you that this night has become a hell of a lot more fun than it ever would have been if it was just another night of me and old Myron drinking down at the firehouse. So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm so glad you came down here to Long Beach Island to kill yourself so that I could stop you long enough to tell you that you seem like a very lovely boy. And I can sense that you're very kind . . . even though you may or may not have killed some people . . . we all have our faults. I, for instance, am a sucker for chocolate. Anyway, that's it. Happy birthday. Kim?

Kim
      Well, when I first saw you I was really looking forward to fucking you because a lot of the guys that I have to sleep with look like Larry King. But you're really cute. Plus I love soldiers, let alone a fighter pilot, that would be so hot to sleep with you and pretend I'm an Iraqi farmer and you got shot down behind enemy lines and I take you to like my barn or whatever and blow you till you're strong enough to fly us both away to one of those islands with over-water huts. Anyway . . . coke makes me horny, so I hope you change your mind. Amen.

Charlie
      Amen.

Emma
      Myron?

Myron
does another line of coke.

Emma
      Myron, stop sulking. You're being a big baby. Come on! A toast.

Myron
      To Charlie . . . the first fighter pilot I've ever met. You're a brave soul, my friend. May you live long enough to realize that you matter. May your neck remain untangled, your feet gravity-bound to our imperfect planet long enough to discover that you are not alone. For even in your lonesome existence, there is love, there is compassion, there is a genuine desire on behalf of these kind strangers to see you discover something that makes your life worth living. Charlie.

Emma
      That was so beautiful.

Kim
      Wow, that was pretty.

Charlie
      Thank you.

Emma
      Cheers.

Myron
drinks his full drink.

Myron
      Now . . . I think we should all go around the room and tell Charlie about the darkest moment in our own lives, so he won't feel so alone in his sadness. Emma, why don't you go first? Why don't you tell Charlie the reason you can't go back to London?

Emma
stares daggers at
Myron
.

Emma
      What are you doing?

Myron
      I just think he might benefit from your story.

Emma
      How dare you? Are you that fucked up? Are you really that fucking pissed that you're gonna break my trust in you?

Myron
      We've all got our skeletons. I just think if you really wanna help Charlie as much as you've advertised, you might consider sharing some of your own pain.

Charlie
      I really don't want to know.

Emma
      You're doing this because I won't marry you. You know how badly I need to stay in this country, but even that's not enough to feign a marriage to you; because you're disgusting.

Myron
      We don't have anything but an exercise ball to give you for your birthday, Charlie. So I thought we might give you the gift of knowing that you're not alone. Emma claims to wanna save your life. Well if she really wants to help you, I think she should share a piece of
her
life. Something that happened to
her
. . .

Charlie
      I don't need anything for my birthday.

Emma
      I am not a fucking exhibit! You know you really are a fucking asshole, Myron. You really are. You're a selfish, self-serving alcoholic! How about that? Why don't you tell Charlie some of your secrets? Give him
that
present. Maybe you could tell him the real reason you were fired from that high school? Why don't you be his friend and share your miserable fucking life.

Myron
      OK, I'll go first. I was fired from being a teacher for doing drugs with my kids at a high school cast party. Emma, your turn.

Emma
      I don't want a turn.

Charlie
      Why are you doing this? Don't do it for me.

Myron
      Well, if you're not gonna tell them, I guess I'll have to . . .

Kim
      Myron back the fuck off!

Emma
      Why are you doing this to me?

Myron
      For Charlie; it's his present . . .

Charlie
      I don't want a present, Myron.

Myron
      Charlie, Emma left England . . .

Emma
      You gave me your word. You swore on your life.

Myron
      Emma left England because . . .

Charlie
      Stop it! Don't say another fucking word.

Myron
      Emma left England . . .

Emma
      Fine I'll say it. I left because I was raped. OK. I was raped by a piece of shit like you.

Kim
      Just leave her alone!

Myron
      But that's not the whole story is it, Emma?

Emma
      Myron, I'm begging you.

Myron
      There's an epilogue.

Emma
      I can love you, I'm sorry, I promise I will love you.

Myron
      Her rapist was about to get out for good behavior. So jolly old Emma had him killed. They found him in the prison yard with a sharpened toothbrush handle in his heart.

Beat.

Ta-da! We all have pain, Charlie.

Myron
violently pulls down the noose from where it is attached to the ceiling.
Charlie
rushes over to stop him. The cord brings down a chunk of ceiling with it, leaving a small hole in the roof. For a moment they all stare at it as the dust settles.

Kim
      Oh, my God. You put a hole in the roof. Kevin's gonna be sooooo pissed.

Myron
      You know all my favorite movies end with a twist, Charlie. Maybe your twist is that you found something to live for on your thirty-fifth birthday moments before you were about to kill yourself, you found some company. Wouldn't that be a twist?

Myron
exits.

Charlie
      Everything's gonna be OK.

Emma
      Is it? (
Beat.
) America, the Beautiful . . . Amber waves of grain and all that. (
Sings.
)
God shed his grace on thee . . .
When's God gonna shed his grace on
me
, Charlie? When's
that
gonna happen? Because it's been a really long time since anyone's told me that everything was gonna be OK and I was able to believe them.

Charlie
crosses to her. She looks up at him.

Charlie
      Well what if it's just for tonight? (
Beat
.) What if we say: just for tonight . . . everything's gonna be OK?

A few beats of silence.

Kim
      You know I used to work at this phone sex place. And there was this awesome old black woman who went by the name,
Sensation
. She was amazing; she could keep those horny bastards on the phone longer than any of us. Anyway one day I was crying in one of the bathroom stalls about something and I'm in a super bad mood and feeling sorry for myself and all of a sudden, Sensation opens the door to the stall and she says, ‘Hey, Princess . . .' I went by Princess back then. ‘Hey, Princess,' she says, ‘in a hundred years, there'll be all new people.' And I swear I think about that almost everyday. (
Beat.
) I never got to give you
my
present, birthday boy. It was my turn, but the roof fell in. I'm gonna play you one of my songs. It's one of my new ones.

Kim
sits on the couch with her ukulele.
Myron
watches through the windows as he smokes on the front porch.

Kim
(
sings
)

When there's nothing I can say to make things better
I sling my arm around your shoulder like a sweater
Try to bear some of the burden that you're wearing
But I can't seem to lift you

A very light snow begins to fall through the hole in the roof that Myron created when he ripped down the noose.

We'll rally, rally
We'll rally around you
We'll rally, rally around you

Myron
stares at them through the window.

Kim
      It's snowing. It's snowing in the house.

Charlie
      You know I didn't write a suicide note . . . because I had no one to write it to.

Emma
      It's nice isn't it, Charlie . . . it's nice to be with friends on your birthday.

Blackout
.

The song
‘The Buzzards of Bourbon Street' by Gaelic Storm
(or something like it) returns at full volume.

Zach Braff
's feature film writing and directorial debut,
Garden State
, premiered at the 2004 Sundance Film Festival and earned him a coveted nomination for the Writers' Guild of America Award for Best Original Screenplay. The film also earned him an Independent Spirit Award for Best First Feature as well as a nomination for Best First Screenplay. In addition, Braff was awarded Best Directorial Debut by the National Board of Review, ‘Breakthrough Director' by the Hollywood Film Festival and ‘Most Promising Filmmaker' by the Chicago Film Critics Association.

Braff recently starred in the independent film
High Cost of Living
for director Deborah Chow, and will next direct the feature
Swingles
. Braff was nominated for a 2005 Primetime Emmy Award and a 2005, 2006 and 2007 Golden Globe award for his portrayal of Dr John ‘J.D.' Dorian in NBC's comedy
Scrubs
.