Always and Forever (6 page)

“You must be cold. Here, wear this.” He eagerly removes his
grey hoodie that he was wearing and offers it to me. He mistook my trembling
for me being cold but there’s no way I’m going to say no to wearing an item of
his clothing. I smile at him appreciatively and decide to let him believe that
I was cold. A little white lie won’t hurt anyone.

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m ok.” He winks at me
reassuringly, causing my stomach to fill with tiny little butterflies.

I relish the warmth that I feel as I slip Jake’s hoodie
over my head. It’s far too big for me, it practically swallows me whole.

“Maybe I’ll grow into it.” I say playfully.

“I hope not ‘cause you look really, really cute in that
thing.” His eyes rake over me once more, a flash of hunger behind them that
stirs something deep inside of me, something which has remained still and
untouched until this moment.

I used to think that men as gorgeous as Jake were also
accompanied by arrogance and conceit. Clearly I was wrong, unless Jake really
is the only exception.

“Thank you.” I murmur timidly. I’m not used to any man
desiring me and yes, I might be naïve in many things but even I can recognise a
man’s attraction when it’s right in front of me.

We start to walk again and I try to rid my mind of the
worrying thoughts about my mum and how frantic she will be wondering where I
am.

“You never answered my question, do you have a boyfriend?”
He persists.

Wow, he really won’t let this drop.

“No, I’m single.”

“That’s good, really good.” He grins at me with a hint of
flirtation plays on his lips, drawing my attention to them.

“I never knew guys went supermarket shopping.” I nod my
head towards the shopping bags he’s carrying.

“Oh, I normally don’t but my mum somehow forgot to make
sure she had any food in this week so I had to make a last minute trip to the
shop for some groceries.”

I’m sure I could detect a hint of bitterness in his voice
when he spoke about his mum but I decide to ignore it and not question him any
further.

“What were you listening to on your iPod? You seemed deep
in thought when I barged into you. Again, I’m sorry about that.” He nudges me
gently with his shoulder and I realise that I already love it when he makes any
excuse to touch me.

“Nothing you would have heard of.”

“Oh, yeah? Try me.” He says confidently.

“Ok, have you ever heard of the composer Ludovico Einaudi?”

He wears a blank expression, making it apparent that he has
no idea who I’m talking about.

“See? I didn’t think so.” I say smugly.

“Is classical music what you like?” He asks.

“Yeah, sometimes. It helps me to relax.”

“I can understand that, we all need our own escape from
things.”

I glance up at him and see that he’s deep in thought about
something, the pain behind his eyes gives him away and I wonder what might have
happened to him in his past to have caused him so much sadness. Some people
wear their unhappiness like an invisible cloak, only those who have suffered
can see it, they recognise the weight of it and they recognise the burden that
another is carrying upon their shoulders.

Happiness isn’t always a straight forward choice, sometimes
it isn’t a choice at all. Otherwise the whole damn world would be happy. Some
people have to work a little harder for their peace.

His piercing eyes suddenly switch to mine; they infiltrate
my mind as though they’re making their way into my soul. It’s like he can see
right through me, past all of the pretence and the insolent behaviour I’ve shown
him all night. He can see the real me and I’m not sure if I like it.

 “So do you have any plans tonight, Jake?” I ask,
wanting to divert our conversation away from things which are so complex. I
have three thousand two hundred and twenty one issues. Jake doesn’t need to
know any one of them.

“Well, I usually work on Friday nights but I had tonight
off, no doubt there’s a party going on somewhere but I just can’t seem to get
myself interested in going to any of them, not anymore.” He sighs and rakes his
hand through his hair, he seems lost and the sadness that he keeps concealed
rises to the surface once more.

“How old are you?” I blurt out.

“I’m twenty-two, you?”

“That rhymes.” I chuckle at my lame joke and watch his lips
twitch in amusement.

“Seriously, how old are you?” He asks with a hint of
concern to be heard in his tone.

“Don’t worry; I’m not as young as I look. I’m twenty.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say you look that young, you’re
innocent and that might constitute for people believing that you’re younger
than you are.”

“Great.” I say sarcastically.

“No, I mean it as a compliment, I didn’t mean to sound
rude.” He says apologetically.

“It’s ok.” I reassure him.

“A girl’s virtue and innocence is underrated. I for one will
never make that mistake again.”

I frown at him, wondering what he means and who he’s
referring to. I stop walking and we come to a standstill. We’re nearly at my
house and I can’t allow him to come the rest of the way with me.

“I really need to get going. My mum will be really worried
about me.”

“You should have said something; you could have phoned her
and let her know you were going to be a bit late.”

“Yeah I could, if I had a phone.”

“What? You don’t have a mobile?” He looks incredulous.

“That’s right.”

“So, how am I supposed to get in touch with you?” He seems
really worried and dare I say… disappointed?

“Jake, I don’t think that will be possible.”

“No. You don’t mean that. I have to see you again,
Bethany.”

“Why? I’ve not exactly been polite and friendly to you. Why
would you want a repeat of this evening?”

He stares at me in disbelief.

“You really don’t get this, do you? Bethany, I want to see
you again because I know that if I don’t I’ll hate myself for the rest of my
life for letting you walk away from me tonight.” His sombre eyes bore into
mine, searching them for an indication of what I might say next.

“Ok.” I nod, giving my consent.

 I can hardly believe that I’ve agreed to see him
again. This is madness, absolute madness.

He exhales with relief and delights me with one of his
breathtaking smiles. Hi eyes are shining and bright. What on earth does he want
in me?

“So how am I supposed to contact you if you don’t have a
phone?”

“Jake, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. You’re right, without
a mobile we can’t even arrange to see one another.”  

“No! Please don’t change your mind. Its ok, we don’t need
one another’s number. I can pick you up at your house. That will work.” He
suggests hopefully.

I vehemently shake my head. That would be impossible.

“No, that’s complicated, we can’t do that.” I say
desperately.

“Ok, its fine, Bethany, whatever you want. You name a place
and a time and I’ll be here.”

“Next Friday, in the same spot and at the same time.”

“And you mean it, you’ll be here? You swear to me?” He asks
me doubtfully, closing the gap between us and gazing intently into my eyes.

“Yes, I promise you I’ll be here, Jake.”

“And I can’t see you before then? Before next Friday?” He
beseeches me hopefully.

“No, I’m sorry it’s just not possible.”

The only night my father leaves the house is on a Friday,
there’s no opportunity for me to see Jake before then.

 “I really want to give you my number, just in case
you get a chance to get in touch with me.”

He searches in his pocket for his phone but I stop him,
placing my hand over his own.

“I won’t be able to call you. I know it sounds weird but
you’ve just got to trust me on this. Next week is all that I can offer.”

“Ok. I guess I’ll have to wait. It’s going to drive me
crazy waiting until then but what else can I do?” He smiles at me weakly and I
will myself to ignore the pang of guilt that I feel when I notice his
disappointment.

“Jake, I really need to go and you can’t walk me to my
door. I have to say goodbye here.”

“Bethany, don’t do this.” He begs me.

“I have to go!” I turn away from him and race off into the
darkness. God knows how long I’ve been gone; mum will be out of her mind with
worry. What the hell am I going to tell her? How will I explain how late I am?

Before I round the corner to my house I look behind me and
see Jake is still standing where I left him. His posture is tense and uneasy,
making me wonder if he doubts my promise to him about being here next week. He
really doesn’t need to worry, I’m certain that until that night all I’ll be
able to think about is seeing him again and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
Nothing and no one could even try and stop me.

My heart is beating really fast as I stand outside my front
door, fighting with myself over the decision to go on inside. I’ve been trying
to think up a decent excuse to tell mum, I need a reason for me being so
terribly late and so far I’ve come up with nothing.

 I know that she’ll be beside herself wondering where
I am and I should be feeling guilty for all of the worry I’ve caused her but
the truth is… I’m not sorry. This evening was magical and life changing for me,
it’s a night I’m certain I’ll never forget. I guess I’m just not ready to say
goodbye to it yet. I know that the second I step inside this house that’s
exactly what I’ll have to do. I’ll have to pretend that this didn’t happen;
I’ll have to act like Jake doesn’t exist and that’s the last thing in the world
I want to do.

I nervously lick my lips, running my fingers through my
tangled hair. I’ve got to go inside; I can’t stand out here all night. Mum
deserves an explanation. I just wish I could think of one!

Mum instantly appears in the hallway as soon as I open the
front door. One glance in her direction and I know that I’ve done a terrible
thing. She looks awful; I can’t even begin to imagine how anxious she must have
been when I didn’t return home straight away. I wish that I could tell her the
truth but I know that it’s just not possible. She wouldn’t understand and I
can’t guarantee that she won’t say anything to my father.

Something has changed inside of me and I just know that
I’ll never be the same again. I’m not looking forward to what I have to do
next. I have to lie to her, I’m going to have to use the situation and manipulate
her to get what I want. I never wanted to be like him, the last thing I want to
do is deceive her but I’ve got no choice. This is the only way.

“Bethany, where on earth have you been? I’ve been worried
sick. I was about to phone the police, I thought something terrible must have
happened to you.” She’s trembling and her voice is unsteady. I can clearly see
that I’ve put her through hell this evening.

“I’m sorry, Mum. I completely lost track of time.”

“Where have you been?” She persists.

“Do you remember Amy who I used to go school with? We were
friends for a little while in our final year and she came over a couple of
times. Well, I bumped into her on my way home from the shop and we got talking.
I ended up going back to her place with her. I only planned on staying for a
few minutes but I completely lost track of time. As soon as I realised how late
it was I raced back home as quick as I could. I’m really sorry if I worried
you.” I make sure I look her right in the face. I can’t afford for her to
become suspicious. If I’m going to do this then I have to do it properly. I
need to be convincing.

“And that’s where you’ve been all this time? I’ve been
going out of mind thinking of all of the worst case scenarios that might have
happened. I thought you’d been abducted. I was seconds away from calling 999
and reporting you missing. Do you have any idea how useless I felt stuck here?
I’ve never been so scared in all my life. How could you have been so
thoughtless?” Her eyes are filled with tears and I know that underneath her
accusatory tone I’ve really hurt her.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you but I’ve
already explained what happened.”

“If your father knew that I allowed you to go out at this
time of night he would kill me.” She whispers, the colour drains from her face
at just the thought.

“And that’s why he doesn’t need to know, not now, not ever.
There’s no point in angering him Mum. I don’t want you to get in trouble
because of me. It was my fault, not yours and you shouldn’t be expected to take
the blame.” I hate myself for doing this to her. It feels like blackmail and
it’s not something that I ever envisioned myself doing to her. If only there
was any other way. Unfortunately, there isn’t.

 “I suppose the main thing is that you’re home and
safe.” She acquiesces reluctantly.

I hug her briefly, despising the way that she remains still
and lifeless. I know I’ve let her down and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to
make it up to her.

Handing her the milk she so desperately needed, I turn away
and head on up the stairs. I pause on the final step as though I’ve just
remembered something. This has to seem like it’s no big deal.

“I’m meeting up with Amy again next Friday. I’ll be going
over to her place so you don’t need to worry. I really enjoyed catching up with
her tonight and we both agreed that we should make more of an effort to stay in
touch.”

 “Bethany, you can’t be serious. You know that’s out
of the question, your father will never allow it.”

“And that’s why we’re not going to tell him.” I stare at
her, making sure I don’t blink or seem uncertain.

“You want me to keep this from him?” She asks
disbelievingly, the quivering in her voice pull at my heart strings, nearly
tipping me over the edge.

“Mum, I’m twenty years old and I have no social life
whatsoever. Surely I’m entitled to at least one friend? Dad goes out every
Friday evening and he arrives home at exactly the same time every week. I’ll
only be out of the house for an hour at the most. I’ll make sure that there’s
plenty of time before he arrives home. I really don’t think this request is
unreasonable.”

“Your father came home early just last week and that could
easily happen again. Don’t you remember what happened the last time we deceived
him? I can’t believe that you risk that again.”

I freeze at the top of the stairs. I feel like all of the
air has just been kicked out of my lungs. We
never
speak about that
time. It’s too painful for the both of us and I can’t believe that she would
mention it now. It makes my blood turn cold just to think about it.

“End of discussion, Mum.” I reply coldly.

I close my bedroom door behind me and sit down on my bed.
The fear that’s coursing through my veins is overwhelming. I haven’t allowed
myself to think about the last time I got caught in a lie to my father. The
memory of it is so vivid, it’s as though it just happened. I shake my head,
desperately trying to rid my mind of such gruesome thoughts. It happened six
years ago and I’m still unable to forget.

 I hear the front door close shortly after I came
upstairs and I know he’s home. I know mum won’t mention anything about tonight
to him. She wouldn’t dare, she already knows what the consequences would be for
something like this. I’m aware of how selfish this is of me to ask her to lie
for me but I don’t have a choice. I need to ignore risks that are involved and
how dangerous all of this is. I have to see Jake again and this is my only
chance.

I lie in bed later on, gazing
up at the twinkling stars in the sky. For the first time in a long while I feel
hopeful. Something has changed and I don’t know if that change will be life
altering or not but something’s different. Things will no longer be the way
that they were before and this in itself is frightening. I feel exhilarated and
nervous all at the same time. I feel awake, alert and so alive. My final
thought before I eventually fall asleep is of him and the moment when I will
get to see him again, as soon as that happens I’ll know all of this is worth
it.

The next morning is Saturday and I wake up wondering if
what happened last night has all just been a crazy dream. I start to believe
that Jake is just a figment of my imagination, a desperate attempt to create
some sort of excitement for myself and I’ve now gone and taken it too far by actually
believing my own illusions.

 I take my morning shower, get dressed and head
downstairs. I’m all prepared to battle it out with mum if I have to about next
Friday. I don’t care what it takes I’m going to see Jake again, regardless of
what I have to do to make it happen.

“Good morning, Mum.” I say cheerfully, entering the
kitchen.

“Morning, Bethany. Did you sleep well?” The optimistic
expression on her face is forced but besides that she seems relatively normal.
I was half expecting another turbulent discussion similar to the one we had
last night about me going out next Friday.

I know the lie I told about my old school friend Amy wasn’t
the best that I could come up with but I couldn’t think of anything else. Mum
met her on a couple of occasions so I know she would partly believe my reason
for being so late home.

“I slept ok, you?”

“Not really.” She replies softly, making me feel guilty for
putting this amount of pressure on her. I can imagine she was tossing and
turning all night worrying about everything.

“Mum, I don’t want to get into an argument with you but I
want you to know that I haven’t changed my mind about meeting Amy next week.”

“I understand what you’re saying, Bethany. I’ve been
thinking about what you said and I do see where you’re coming from. It’s nice
that you’ve met up with an old friend again but I’m not at all comfortable with
you sneaking out behind your Dad’s back. I can’t even begin to think about what
he’d do if he ever found out.” She wrings her hands together anxiously; the desperation
on her face makes me feel unbelievably cruel. She’s about to crack and it
hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.

“I need some sort of social life and there’s no way that
Dad will allow me to see Amy again. This is the only way.” I argue.

“I’m not promising anything, Bethany. We’ll have to just
wait and see.”

I nod my head in agreement,
knowing that this is the best compromise we can make… for now.

After breakfast we head over to gran’s house like we do
every Saturday. I’m desperate to get her on her own and tell her all about
Jake. I know she’ll support me meeting someone who I’m really interested in but
I’m not so sure if she’ll approve  of my plan to meet up with him again
next week. I hardly know him and it will mean me lying to my mum about where
I’m really going. She wants me to experience adventure but will she see this
idea as me being reckless and dangerous? I really don’t want her to make me
feel bad about seeing Jake. I feel guilty enough as it is and I want her to be
excited for me, I need someone to share this with. In the grand scheme of
things what happened last night might not be terribly eventful but to me, it
was extraordinary.

I consider waiting to tell gran about Jake until I see him
again. There’s no point in troubling her with something that might not end up
being a big deal. Gran can be extremely protective over me and if she thinks
that I’m putting myself in a threatening situation then she may just tell my
mum the truth. I realise that I can’t take the risk and decide not to say
anything to her. I’ll see how it goes with Jake next Friday and then I’ll
confide in gran.

Throughout our visit I can feel her eyes on me the entire
time. I keep catching her looking at me with a curious expression on her face.
I swear she can read me like a book. She knows something’s different about me
and she’s trying to figure out what it is.  

A big part of me is dying to tell her about Jake and
everything that happened last night but the truth is I’m just not ready to part
with my secret yet. This is the first time in my life that I’ve kept anything
private and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I can. This secret is
mine. It belongs to me and I have to admit that I really like having this one
thing that nobody else in my world knows about.

My days in the bookstore are unbelievably boring and this
week in particular goes by really, really slowly. Only a handful of customers
come in to the store and the majority of them don’t even buy anything.

 My thoughts are completely preoccupied with Jake. I
constantly wonder what he’s doing and if he’s thought of me since last Friday.
Today is Wednesday ad it’s already been five days since I last seen him. I
start to consider the possibility that he might have already forgotten all
about me.

He could be laughing about me with all of his friends;
they’re probably laughing their heads off hearing about the pathetic girl he
convinced to meet up with him again next Friday night. God, all of this could
be some sick joke to him. All of them might turn up in two days time to catch a
glimpse of me standing there waiting for him to show up. The whole thing makes
me tremble with humiliation.

I start to second-guess myself
and seriously think about not going on Friday. I should probably stay at home
and save myself from the embarrassment. The internal debating with goes on and
on until I finally decide to give myself a break from my constant worrying. I
can’t predict what will happen, Jake might not turn up but I know for certain
that I will. Regardless of my own insecurities and loathsome doubts I’m
absolutely determined to see him again. Nothing and no one will stand in my
way, not even myself.