Always with You (WIth You Trilogy) (24 page)

“Jelly, what the fuck are you doing?” Ian half-laughed
, half-snapped, taking a step back and raising his palms up to me.

Although I was surprised by Ian’s placating response, it wasn’t enough. I took a step closer and continued my assault on his torso. Through my tears of anger and relief I could see the vague look of confusion on Ian’s face as he wrapped his arms around me, effectively stopping my blows by trapping my arms between us.

With my arms restrained and his heart most definitely beating against me, I let the tears run freely.

“What the hell were you thinking?” I bawled against his chest. “You could have been killed!”

Ian tilted his head down to meet my gaze and gawked back at me. If I hadn’t wanted to beat the crap out of him, I would have been amused at the sight of my normally verbose brother rendered speechless.

“You should have called the police!” I shouted through my sniffles before he had chance to regain his voice. “It’s
their
job to go chasing after bad guys. You could have
died
, Ian.”

He kept his arms around me and held me tight to his chest, letting me sob out the rest of my fear and frustration. “Are you finished now?” He smirked.

“No,” I snapped. “Why have you got a gun? Don’t you know how dangerous that is. You shouldn’t be-”

“Enough, Jelly,” Ian cut me off with his stern, soldier voice.

I clamped my mouth shut and glared at him as he released me. He sat on the sofa and gestured for me to sit next to him. I did so grudgingly, making sure there was a fair amount of space between us.

Doesn’t he understand?
It was bad enough knowing that he put his life on the line in his job. We didn’t need him doing it when he was off duty. We’d lost both parents, we couldn’t lose Ian as well. I couldn’t lose any of them. They were my family, warts and all, I loved them.

“Jelly, Xander and I have more training between the two of us than the entire West Yorkshire police force combined. What could they have done that we couldn’t?” He stared at me, demanding an answer.

I didn’t give a reply because I didn’t have one. My best response was that it would have been somebody else’s life in danger and I knew Ian would never want somebody risking themself for him unless absolutely necessary.

“I have a gun because I always carry one,
Jelly. I know what I’m doing. I have a firearms certificate and everything’s above board.”

I glared at him because I didn’t have a comeback. I was still angry at him and my reasons for being so seemed to be slipping away against my will.

“You’re a violent little thing, you know that?” Ian chuckled, pulling me into a strong hug.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed in defeat after a few seconds of battling with myself. “You scared me.”

“Don’t worry, Jellybean. I’m bulletproof,” he grinned a cocky grin.

“You’re not bulletproof, Ian,” I sniffled, placing my hand on his chest where I knew his scar was.
The only kind of bulletproof Ian was, was proof that he’d had a bullet go through him.

“I’m still breathing, Jellybean. That’s one-nil to me.”

I laughed despite myself because his self-assured smirk lightened the mood and took my tension away. He was alive and he’d just been doing what he considered his duty as big brother, and protector of all he deemed precious. I couldn’t really be mad at him for that.

Jason made a few calls to get the insurance company updated and organise somebody to come fix the door and window. We couldn’t leave until they were done so Jason went to fetch fish and chips (minus the fish for me) and Ian set up the DVD player with ‘Gremlins’.

“You still like this one?” He smirked at me.

“Bright light! Bright light!” I responded in my best Gizmo voice.

Ian laughed and even Xander’s eyes lit up with amusement.

“Not quite as good as it sounded when you were a toddler but close enough,” Ian chuckled.

After our late lunch, Xander stood and nodded his head at Ian, exchanging something with their silent glances.

“I’ll be off then,” Xander nodded, turning to face me.

“You’re going?” My smile dropped.

He nodded and grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair.

“Like, proper going?”

He nodded again and I pouted.

“Um…” I started, not sure what to say.

Xander smirked, probably amused at my ‘um’. I couldn’t think of a snarky response to his smirk so instead I just wrapped my arms around him in a super tight hug. His sarcastic smirks and minimalist responses may have been as annoying as hell but I knew that he had a heart of gold. His actions spoke louder than
his lack of words and I was really going to miss having somebody to verbally spar with.

“Okay, my hug quota is filled,” he grunted gruffly, his eyes twinkling with the kindness hidden between the tough façade. “Who you going to piss off when I’m gone?” The smirk was back.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll find someone,” I glanced at Ian who looked on in amusement.

Xander nodded and made for the door after shaking Jason’s hand.

“Xander?” I called out and he stopped to look back at me. “Thank you. For everything.”

With one more nod
, he left through the newly hung door.

Tuesday, 8th October 2013

“Jelly,” Ian beckoned me over once we arrived back at my flat.

I didn’t really feel safe sleeping at
Jason’s that night and there’d be more room for Ian since Bradley and Eric had both gone home for reading week.

“Come have a chat with me.”

I followed him up to my room, curious as to what he wanted to talk to me about. It occurred to me that I hadn’t really seen any retribution for lashing out at him earlier that evening. I’d basically attacked him and he’d done nothing. He’d just stood there and taken it and the idea of being punished for it made me shiver slightly with fear. I knew he’d promised not to hurt me but I’d not really done anything to test his restraint until now.

“I’m really sorry, Ian,” I blurted out as soon as the bedroom door closed behind us and we were alone.

“What are you sorry for, Jellybean?” He studied me quizzically.

“For hurting you,” I mumbled, eyes locked on my feet.
If he tried to hurt me, I wasn’t going to take it but I’d attacked him and the least I could do was be contrite and respectful.

Ian took a step closer and I resisted the urge to take one back. He took my chin between his
thumb and forefinger and forced me to meet his gaze.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Jelly. You were scared and upset. I get it,” he smiled kindly, chucking me under the chin. “And the notion of you hurting me is kind of hilarious.” His cocky smirk had me laughing again and I relaxed as I realised he wasn’t mad at me.

“What did you want to talk to me about then?” I asked, sitting down next to him on the bed when he motioned for me to do so.

“I had a lot of time to think while I was away,” he started, looking straight to the door opposite us. “And I need to apologise again.”

“Why?” I frowned.

“Because I haven’t done it enough. I never will.”

“Ian, I-”

“Quiet,” he shook his head, dismissing my protests. “You’re my baby sister and I love you. I’ve
let you down. Let all of you down. I’m going to make it up to you, I swear.

I fucking hated seeing you with Jason at first. It’s still not a walk in the park.
To me, you’ll always be that little kid who tried really hard not to show how scared she was when she watched Scooby Doo.”

I chuckled at the knowledge that I’d neve
r really fooled my big brother but my heart weighed heavy knowing that Ian didn’t understand that he was well and truly forgiven.

“I owe Jason though. Because it took seeing the way he treats you for me to realise how badly we treat
ed you. I see the way you light up when he makes you smile. It kills me that I’d not seen that light in your eyes for so many years before. I was so focussed on keeping you safe and alive that I didn’t let you really live. I realise now that I treated you differently because you were all I had left of Mum and I couldn’t have handled it if something happened to you.

I never ever wanted you hurt you. The thought makes me sick.
But I know I’ve hurt you in more ways than one. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, Jelly. I don’t want that. I want you to know that I’m going to make it right. I swear.”

I could see the sincerity in his face. I knew he meant every word. Ian had only raised his hand to me a handful of times in his life and I’d hit him way more times than that only a few hours previously. Every time he’d done it, I’d seen the confusion and pain in his face.

In all reality, he was a confused young man forced into an unpleasant situation and a backbreaking load of responsibility and he’d handled it the only way he knew how. Threats and military discipline had worked fine with most of my brothers, most of the time, because they mostly gave as good as they got. I’d never stood a chance though. I understood that now. Part of me always thought I deserved it and even if I hadn’t, I’d never been physically matched to them.

“Ian. You don’t need to make anything right with me,” I said seriously. “I wasn’t the only one affected by the way things sometimes were at home. This family has been hurting for nineteen years but I think we’re starting to heal now. We never would have had the opportunity without what you did for us. We cracked but we never broke beyond repair because you held us together.

We’re all adults now, we’re still going to make mistakes, we’re human. I know you’ll keep us in line if things get really bad but remember that we need you as a brother more than we need you as a platoon leader, Ian.”

“Platoon leader?” He grumbled. “Wrong military, Jelly.”

“You know what I mean,” I grinned. I knew he was just avoiding the reality of what I’d said with his grumbling but I also knew he’d heard me. Ian rarely missed anything. I just hoped he would take my words to heart. The way things used to be had kept me from being myself for so long and I didn’t want that to be true for the others as well.

“You’re a good kid,” he grinned after a while. “Must
have done something right at least.”

“Allowing me chocolate cereal on weekends, I reckon,” I smirked, grinning as he visibly relaxed.

“That was Mum’s rule, not mine,” he sobered and then chuckled as his eyes glazed over with visions of the past. “Me and Karl snuck a box of Coco Pops into our room when we were kids and we had to share it with Craig because he found us. Would have gotten away with it as well if we’d thought to wipe the evidence off his hands.”

I laughed with bittersweet amusement. It was always hard for me to imagine Ian as a kid because
, even as a teenager, he’d always been a parent figure to me. It was even harder to imagine the mother I’d never known. It was because of her I knew that it was possible to love somebody I’d never even met. I loved her for giving me my brothers and for making them into the men they were. I loved her for the way she loved my Dad so thoroughly that he was a shell of himself without her.

“I wish I’d known her,” I said sadly.

“She would have loved you so much,” Ian returned my sad smile. “You remind me of her. More now than ever. You have her spark. I wish Mum and Dad had gotten the chance to get to know you like I do. They’d be as proud as I am.”

“You’re going to make me cry, stop it,” I scolded him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Sorry,” he smirked. “I love you, Jellybean.”

“I love you too, Ian,” I smiled. He’d said it twice in ten minutes and it meant so much to me. His love and approval were the closest thing I’d ever have to the acceptance of the parents I’d never know.

“Come on, soppy git,” he nudged me with his shoulder. “Let’s go downstairs before your boyfriend starts bitching at me.”

I laughed and followed him
down the stairs to where Jason was sat on the sofa with Adam. Jason slapped his palms against his thighs in an invite for me to sit on his lap. Ian rolled his eyes as I obliged but he was definitely smiling a little.

“Your hands move even a
millimetre north or south and I’ll remove them for you,” Ian grunted once Jason hooked his hand around my waist.

“Like this?” Jason grinned, starting to move his hand upwards.

“Jason,” I grabbed his hand with a laugh, locking it in place at my waist. I knew he was only winding Ian up but it wasn’t really fair on him.

Ian shook his head and threw a pillow in our general direction
, much to Adam’s amusement. It had been a long day but I was feeling buzzed after my chat with Ian. Seeing him joke around with Jason made me feel so complete. Like the two biggest parts of my life finally merging.

“Adam,” Ian
interjected, pulling me away from my happy musings. “Matt tells me you’re spending Christmas at ours.”

“I…” Adam hedged, his eyes flicking sideways to me in an obvious display of nerves.

“Bring Toblerone,” Ian continued, not giving him chance to reply. “And lots of it.”

“Toblerone?” Adam raised an eyebrow in complete bewilderment.

“Yeah and maybe some gob stoppers.”

Adam
just looked at him in confusion before turning to face me in the hope of some sort of explanation.

“Toblerones are the only kind of food the twins eat slowly
,” I explained with a grin.

“They’re like kids at Christmas,” Ian added.

“It helps keep them quiet. The gobstoppers are for back-up,” I laughed.

“The twins are awesome,” Adam chuckled.

“They have their moments,” Ian smirked.

“I just wish they’d get girlfriends,” I sighed. “They’re getting old.” I quickly added an “-er” to the end of that when Ian shot me a scowl.

“Just because you’re going through a romantic phase doesn’t mean you need to infect the rest of us,” Ian said with a wicked grin.

“It’s not a phase, Ian,” I snapped, aiming my constantly improving Carter-glare at him. I could feel the stiffening of Jason’s body around me and I knew he hadn’t taken kindly to Ian’s insinuation. It bothered me that Jason would even react to that.
He knows how much I love him.

“Easy, Reed,” Ian chuckled, his eyes scanning Jason’s tense expression. “You’d have to be an idiot not to notice that my little sister’s head over heels for you. In which case
, I’m going to have to get her into a different university because you’re meant to be getting your PhD here.”

Jason relaxed beneath me, pu
lling me a little closer to him so that my back was firmly planted against the ever-calming presence of his broad chest.

“Going to be so cool to say my boyfriend has a PhD,” I cooed, wanting to Jason to accept Ian’s apology for what it was and move past it.

“PhD,” Adam shook his head with a sigh. “You act like a lovesick idiot around Jamie, it’s easy to forget you’re a genius.”

I laughed at the cheeky smile on his face but what he was saying was true. Not the lovesick idiot part. Jason
really was extremely clever, that much was obvious in the way he studied the minute details in everything, the way he was able to pick up things that other people missed. He never rubbed it in anyone’s face though. It was easy to forget that he was so sharp minded.

“Pfft… Renewable energy systems, right?” Ian prompted. The prompt was just a
courtesy; Ian never forgot anything.

Jason just nodded and
swept my hair to one side so he could kiss the corner of my jawbone, right below my ear.

“So you just play with potato batteries and solar powered calculators?” Ian goaded.

“If I tell you what I’m working with are you actually going to listen?” Jason retorted with a chuckle.

Ian just raised a sarcastic eyebrow in Jason’s dire
ction but there was a sparkle of curiosity in his eyes.

“
I got my bachelors in Natural Sciences at Cambridge, focussing on Chemistry with Engineering as my double major. I came to Leeds to get my masters in Electrical Engineering and Renewable Energy Systems. My doctoral thesis is focussed on a combination of nanostructured photovoltaics, thermal and kinetic energy, and the potential for the use of the three in portable batteries,” Jason said, sounding almost bored.

I got the impression he was trying to act like it wasn’t important but that Ian’s approval somehow meant something to him.

“Lot of big words for a guy that can’t tell when a girl is madly in love with him,” Ian chuckled, winking in my direction.

“He knows,” I grinned. “He just needs reminding sometimes.”

“Yeah, well,” Ian shook his head with a wry smile. “Just remind him when I’m not around, thanks.”

“Roger that,” I conceded
with a chuckle.

“You understand all those big words, Jellybean?” Ian teased.

“All the ones with five letters or less,” I admitted with a grin. “But I know he sounded very good saying them. I still don’t get what photographing volcanoes has to do with it though.”

Adam laughed and Jason’s chuckle vibrated through his chest and into my back.
I was struggling to get the blush off my face remembering back to our e-mail chat about photovoltaics and where it had led.

“Are you sure you guys don’t mind me coming to yours for Christmas? I don’t wanna be in the way,” Adam asked once we’d settled down again. His usual happy grin was absent and I felt bad seeing him nervously chewing on his bottom lip.

“You’re part of the family now, Collins,” Ian grinned. “Don’t try and get out of it or you’ll be on sprout duty.”

“I’ve neve
r tried sprouts,” Adam shrugged and for some reason that made me horribly depressed.

Adam
was one of my best friends. He’d once selflessly risked himself for me and I knew he’d do it again in a heartbeat. How somebody as beautiful, inside and out, as Adam had never found a loving family to accept him was beyond me. Missing out on sprouts may not have sounded like any sort of punishment but sprouts and Christmas traditions went hand in hand.

We avoid them like the plague until Christmas just to put the compulsory three on our plates, slather them with whatever sauce or gravy is available and practically swallow them whole so we don’t
taste them. Missing out on sprouts meant missing out on Christmas dinner. Missing out on Christmas dinner meant missing out on crackers, stupid hats, and appallingly bad jokes. Adam deserved to live through all that.