Always with You (WIth You Trilogy) (27 page)

“And you’d have to sit on the front row,” he continued. “It would be very distracting.”

“What’s the point of me being there if I’m going to distract you?” I shook my head in amusement.

“That’s the
whole
point,” he said as if it was obvious. “I’d have to call you into my office afterwards for being a naughty girl and distracting the teacher.”

“Oh,” I managed, cheeks burning.

“I’d have to teach you a different lesson. One that includes your perky little ass cheeks and a wooden ruler,” he grinned, squeezing my behind for emphasis.

I burst into laughter. “That sounds like cheesy porn.”

“You watch porn?” Jason grinned, his eyes lighting up.

“No… well… yes, I mean…” I trailed off, burying my face in his chest to hide my flaming cheeks.

“No you don’t,” Jason chuckled, tilting my face up to meet his eyes. “This needs explaining.”

“I’ve never watched porn,” I grumbled, embarrassed that he was making me explain. “But I have seven brothers. I’ve caught them watching it a few times and then they used to
watch that stupid show ‘Badly Dubbed Porn’ sometimes. I think they used to forget I was there because they’re so noisy and I was kind of quiet.”

“Oh god, that show was awful. Hilarious but awful. How old were you?” Jason recoiled, looking disgusted.

“Like sixteen or seventeen, I think,” I frowned.

“Oh, that’s not so bad. It was only soft-core porn from the eighties if I remember rightly.” He looked relieved.

“It was still gross. They always sent me up to my room when they realised I was there.”

“I should hope so,” he laughed.

“Okay, this conversation is over. My brothers and porn are not things I want to talk about at the same time,” I cringed.

“Fair enough,” he relented. “But we’
re definitely doing the teacher student thing.”

“Okay,” I agreed with red cheeks. I wasn’t going to say no. I was already pretty turned on by the idea.

I offered Jason the option of going out for dinner or getting some food and cooking up something at his flat. I wanted to spend the night at his flat, in his space, so that he was more comfortable. He chose the home cooked meal so we picked up some vegetables and a butcher’s steak for Jason. We laughed and joked as we navigated around the aisles of the supermarket.

It was great seeing Jason in such a good mood. I hoped it meant that my plans for the day were on track. If I had my way, by the end of the night Jason would never doubt our relationship ever again. We were rock solid and it was time he realised that.

Friday
, 11th October 2013

We stripped off, safely ensconced in
Jason’s bedroom. We’d tidied up the mess from the break-in together and, aside from the shattered photo frame, you couldn’t tell anything untoward had happened.

Whilst Jason got settled in his bed, I gr
abbed the box from my rucksack and took a deep breath. I was so ready for this. Jason knew every atom of my being, I had nothing to hide from him. No matter what he was holding back, I loved him and always would. I needed him to trust that.

“What you doing?” Jason frowned, pushing up onto his elbows to see me better.

“Getting these,” I smiled, holding up the small box of chocolates he’d given me on our anniversary.

Jason groaned and flopped down onto the bed. “I was seriously hoping you’d forgotten,” he grumbled.

“I’d never forget anything where you’re concerned,” I answered honestly.

“Jamie, we’re having such a nice day. I don’t want it to end like this, can’t we wait?” He pleaded. Normally
, I couldn’t say no when he pouted like that but he was asking for the wrong reasons.

“Jason, you can’t keep putting this off. I love you more than anything and nothing will change that. You need to believe me. I know you’ve let me in more than anyone but there are still parts of you that you’re hiding from me. I want to love you as completely as you love me and I can’t do that if you don’t give me all of you.”

“I hate that you can be so cute whilst you’re torturing me,” he grumbled.

I smiled at how
adorable he looked when he sulked. “Is that you’re way of telling me you’ll answer my questions?” I asked hopefully.

“I have to,” he pouted. “I promised. One condition though.”

“There are always conditions,” I fake sighed.

“You always like my conditions,” he grinned, his confidence returning somewhat.

“I do,” I conceded.

“I need to hold you for a while first,” he pleaded, his face cautious.

“I like this condition,” I grinned, letting him pull me down onto him so I was lying on top of him chest-to-chest, skin-to-skin.

“Told you,” he mumbled sullenly, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. He sighed deeply and locked his arms around me. I could feel his heart beating faster than normal and would have done anything to take away his worry.

I gently traced circles on his shoulders as he held me, trying to put him at ease. He did relax fractionally but he was definitely not calm by any means.

“Okay,” he whispered after several long minutes. “Fire at will.”

I took a deep breath. I had the distinct impression that I was in a position to hurt Jason greatly and that was the last thing I wanted. I was terribly afraid that I’d ask the wrong question.

“What does your tattoo mean to you?” I asked, staring at the beautifu
l piece of art etched on his peck.

“Right in at the deep end why don’t you,” he sighed.

I pressed kisses to the tattoo and kept quiet, giving him time to form an answer. He’d always dodged the question when I’d asked him before.

“It’s Maori tribal art,” he answered quietly after a while. “Each symbol has a different meaning. This one,” he pointed to a hook-like symbol. “Is
a hei matau, it’s a symbol of strength, luck, and determination.”

I traced it with my finger and kissed each hook within reach.

“These ones,” he pointed to a series of circular swirls. “Each is a koru. They symbolise new life and growth.”

Again, I kissed and traced each one, treating them as the precious art they were to me.

“These,” he pointed to a series of symbols that looked vaguely like swans. “Each is a manaia, a mythological creature which is supposed to ward off intruders.”

“And this, of course, is a heart,” he joked
half-heartedly. “Care to speculate as to the meaning?”

“I’d rather you tell me,” I answered, pressing kisses to the heart.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “The heart was to remind me that it’s just an organ, tissue and muscle. There is no capacity to love in an organ. Its function is to keep us alive, even when doing so is sometimes cruel.” He swallowed and held me closer to him. “The koru was for the new beginning I made when I took Benji away from it all. The manaia is to keep evil away and as a reminder never to give somebody power over me again. The hei matau was to keep me strong in doing so.

In combination, they’
re a reminder of where I come from and I got them with the sole intention of never, ever loving anybody because I thought love was a weakness. It was love and eventually fear that kept my Mum with my Dad. It was love that let her stand by him when he did what he did. I never wanted to fall in love.”

A painful silence fell over us as I absorbed his words. Jason’s voice had been so sad as he spoke, so broken. I felt almost guilty, as though I’d tricked him
into falling in love with me.

“I sort of wish I’d guessed at the tattoos now,” I mumbled solemnly.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Jason choked, his arms still forming an iron grip around me.

“Because you were wrong about them.”

“How could I be wrong about my own tattoos,” he laughed bitterly.

“Because
you’re a man of the sciences and I’m a woman of the arts. Science has concrete answers. There’s right, and wrong, and very little in between. You draw your conclusions from facts whilst art is open to interpretation. Your tattoos are art and therefore I’m more qualified to understand them than you are.

Strength, determination, new beginnings, warding off evil, your heart. These are the symbols you chose to permanently mark yourself with. They may have held a specific meaning for you at the time but meanings change over time. Language and symbols change all around us. The swastika
, for example, was originally a symbol of goodness.

To me, the heart is a symbol of the thing that keeps you alive. Your strength and determination kept you going through a horrifying childhood. You are a strong and determined person. It’s one of the things I love about you. The many, many things.

A new beginning is what you gave yourself and Ben, and you pretty much saved both your lives in doing so. It’s also what we are. We’re a new beginning, something new for both you and me. Something beautiful.

As for warding off evil and intruders. Well, so far we’ve done pretty well at keeping our new beginning safe from all evil, a few
snafus aside.”

I drew in a deep breath and held it as I waited for him to respond. I’d pretty much rambled but it had to be said. I don’t know what he was expecting in revealing that
he’d basically seen himself as cold-hearted and incapable of love but it definitely wasn’t something I’d stop loving him over.

“I’m sorry,” he grunted. “Did you just try and redefine my tattoos?”

I let out the breath I’d been holding and smiled, tilting my head to look up at him. “Not try,” I shook my head. “I think you’ll find I
did
redefine them.”

“You’re very sexy when you’re a know-it-all,” he grinned, kissing me on the forehead.

“Why thank you,” I smirked. “You really didn’t want to fall in love?” I asked more tentatively.

“No,” he shook his head with a grimace. “You have to understand, baby. I didn’t know what real love was until I met you. I thought it was something that fed ugliness.”

“That’s awful,” I frowned. “I wish you’d never had to think that.”

“Remember when I went away for a week last year?” He prompted, catching me off guard.

“Yeah,” I frowned. “To see solar experts, right?”

“Right, sort of,” he frowned. “I did have to see them but I could have done it over the internet via Skype.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Jamie, I was fucking terrified by us. I’m fairly sure I was already falling in love with you
and it scared me beyond belief.”

“Sorry?” I apologised
uncertainly with a small smile.

“You should be,” he smirked. “I almost lost my mind.” He took a deep breath and tucked my head back under his chin. “I needed the time away. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you about it. You have to see it from my side though, baby. I’d sort of accepted that something was happening between us and then I had to try and come to terms with those bruises on your beautiful skin.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I was basically entering a relationship with a woman who would let a man treat her like that.”

Just like his mother
. I cringed as I realised the similarities Jason must have drawn. It was not a pleasant picture.

“I’m so sorry, Jason. That never occurred to me. I was weak then. You’ve made me stronger. I would never put up with that now. If anyone ever tried to hurt me, I wouldn’t just take it anymore.”

“I know, Jamie. I know how strong you are,” he sighed. “But… at the time it was really hard to get my head round. I figured I’d give myself a week away and get my thoughts in order. I was going to keep contact to a minimum but I missed you like hell.”

“And then we e-mailed,” I blushed.

“I loved those e-mails,” he chuckled, the vibrations coursing through my own chest.

“Me too,” I whispered.

“I could see that you were braver than I thought. You pushed yourself to do something new. You pushed yourself because you trusted me. I could see that you were stronger than I gave you credit for. That strength gave me hope that I could help you see what was going on around you. I could save you from being like my Mum.”

“Oh, Jason,” I
cringed. I felt awful that he’d felt the need to save me but I couldn’t deny that he’d done just that. I hadn’t realised I needed saving but the idea of things returning to how they’d been before I met him was horrifying to me. I couldn’t understand how I’d put up with it. So instead of crying or arguing my case, I said the only thing that needed to be said. “Thank you.”

“You’re not mad at me?” He asked in surprise.

“Why would I be mad at you?” I frowned.

“I lied to you,” he said, shame lining his face.

“You did,” I admitted. “I’d rather you didn’t do it again but I understand why you did it, Jason, and it worked out for the best.”

I felt him relax underneath me and realised that we’d gotten past the worst of what he was worried about telling me. Now that I knew what he’d been holding back, I was almost angry at him for being so ridiculous. It didn’t even seem important. It gave me insight into why he was who he was, and why he’d been wary of our relationship in the beginning, but it didn’t change anything.

“Are you mad at me?” I prompted.

“Why?” He frowned.

“For making you fall in love with me,” I grinned, although I sort of wanted to know the answer.

“Of course not, little squirrel,” Jason chuckled. “If I hadn’t met you, I would have gone my whole life with the distorted image of love I got from my parents. I wouldn’t exchange the way you make me feel for all the money in the world.”

“Me neither,” I smiled back at him, shuffling up so I could kiss him properly.

“You need to eat at least two thirds of those chocolates after all that,” Jason grinned, pulling the box closer and balancing it on my naked back so that he could feed me from it.

I smiled and let him press the delicious truffles into my mouth, nipping playfully at his fingers between each one.

I had one more question I needed to ask and I was dreading this one more than anything because it was the only one I feared could change things between us.

“Last truffle,” he smiled, holding it in front of my mouth.

“Last question then,” I tried to smile but failed miserably.

Jason frowned and tensed up again. He obviously thought we were done. He nodded curtly in a gesture for me to continue and I lowered my gaze so I wouldn’t have to meet his eyes as I spoke.

“Do you want children one day?” I asked timidly, studying the details of his tattoos.

Jason sighed deeply. “Jamie… I…” He hedged, replacing his iron grip around me. “No. I don’t”

“Definitely not?” I managed, my heart painfully tight in my chest. I wanted children more than anything. It was insanely important to me.

“No,” he answered curtly.

“Why not?” I prompted, afraid to hear his answer.

This was huge. I knew Jason was the only man I’d ever want but could I give up one of the major dreams of my future for him?

“Jamie, my Dad abused women and children and my Mum was to weak and pathetic to stand up to him and protect us. I don’t come from good stock. I won’t risk bringing people like them into the world, nor will I risk turning into my father.”

I could tell he’d made up his mind on this and wasn’t that just ridiculous?

“For a smart man, you’re very stupid, you know that?” I shook my head, cupping his face to force his gaze to mine.

“
First off, you and Ben are both wonderful and you come from the same genetic stock. Are you also saying you don’t think Ben should have kids?” I continued without letting him answer. “There is absolutely zero risk of you becoming like your father, Jason. Aside from DNA, you have nothing in common. You protect me and cherish me in ways I never thought possible. There is no possible way that somebody like you could ever turn into somebody like him.”