Amos Gets Married

Duncan—Dunc—Culpepper sat on the ground in his front yard with his back against the porch. He was watching his best friend for life, Amos Binder, pace up and down the sidewalk.

“The school nurse said Melissa would be okay, Amos.”

“I know what she said, but did you see the size of that goose egg on her forehead?”

“It’ll go down. How did it happen, anyway?”

Amos stopped pacing and dropped to the ground beside him. “I was on my way to science class. Mrs. Leach said we were going to be dissecting earthworms, and I was thinking
about all those poor little worms that were about to lose their lives.”

“What do earthworms have to do with you knocking down Melissa Hansen?”

“Don’t you ever wonder about some of the defenseless creatures we slice up in science lab? You know, like does it hurt and stuff?”

“Amos.”

“Some of those worms could have families. We could be chopping up someone’s mother or grandmother, or—”

“Amos! What happened to Melissa?”

“Like I said. I was thinking about the worms when I heard the pay phone ring outside the nurse’s office.”

“So?”

“So I figured since Melissa knows I have to pass the nurse’s office on my way to science class, she was calling to talk to me. She probably wanted to see how my day was going and talk about the worms and things like that.”

Dunc nodded. He knew Amos was crazy in love with Melissa Hansen and that he had this strange idea she might actually call him someday. She had never called him
in her entire life and gave no indication that she ever would. In fact, Melissa gave no indication that she knew Amos existed as a life-form. But that didn’t stop Amos from hoping.

“Anyway,” Amos continued, “I was in a real hurry to get to the phone, on account of she likes me to get it on that all-important first ring and everything. So I crawled up on Jerk Jergin’s back and yelled for everybody to make way. I knew they would move because Jerk’s a pretty good-sized kid.”

Dunc nodded again. “He should be. He’s been in the same grade for the last six years. I heard a rumor that he has a wife, two kids, and an after-school job at the steel mill.”

“That’s why I chose him,” Amos said. “But it didn’t quite work the way I planned.”

“What happened?”

“I think I must have caught Jerk a little off guard. He pulled me up over the top of his head and wadded me up into a ball. Then he sort of punted me to the end of the hall. That’s when I hit Melissa. It wasn’t her on the phone after all.” Amos stood up
and started pacing again. “It was awful. I slammed her face into a bank of lockers. She’ll probably never forgive me.”

“Try not to worry, Amos. The nurse said Melissa was unconscious for a few minutes and doesn’t remember anything that happened.”

“Somebody is bound to tell her, and then she’ll probably want to cancel our date.”

“Amos, you know you don’t have a date with Melissa.”

“I don’t yet. But I was planning on asking her to the Winter Harvest Dance.”

“Amos, it’s spring. Early spring. The Winter Harvest Dance isn’t until next year.”

“I know, but I wanted to give her plenty of time to think about it.”

Dunc stood and stretched. “I better get started on my homework.” He picked up the newspaper on his way into the house.

Amos followed him. The screen door banged shut behind him. “You can’t do homework now! I’m having a crisis!”

Dunc headed for the kitchen. “I’m having a peanut butter and jelly.”

“How can you eat or do homework at a time like this?”

Dunc carefully wiped the peanut butter off the knife, rinsed it, and put it away. “The way I see it, you really don’t have a problem.”

Amos stared at him. “No problem? Melissa may never speak to me again.”

“That’s what I mean. She’s never spoken to you before, so you haven’t lost anything.”

Amos sighed. “Maybe I should go over and apologize.”

Dunc shook his head. “She’s probably resting. And besides, there’s still a chance she doesn’t know it was you. If I were you, I’d wait until social studies class tomorrow and see if she acts different or anything.”

“I don’t know …”

“Trust me.”

“You
had
to say that. Every time you say that, something goes wrong.”

Dunc ignored him. “Are you doing your homework over here?”

“I don’t have any homework.”

“What about the essay Mrs. Wormwood gave us on the family? We’re supposed to do five pages.”

Amos waved his hand. “Oh, that. I’ll do it during passing period tomorrow.”

“You can’t do a five-page paper in five minutes—while you’re walking.”

“Why not?”

Dunc sighed. “Come on. I’ll help you write your paper.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Where’s your homework?” Dunc pedaled his bike close to Amos so he could hear.

“It’s in my back pocket.”

“You put a five-page report in your back pocket?”

Amos nodded. “It was a tight fit, but I kept folding and stuffing until it all went in.” He stood on the pedals to show Dunc the bulge in his back pocket.

“Did it ever occur to you that you might get a better grade if your report wasn’t all crumpled up?”

Amos shook his head. “You don’t understand teachers. You have to try and think like them. If you were a teacher and you
came to a paper with no wrinkles, in perfect condition, with my name on it, what would you think?”

“That someone else did it.”

“Bingo!”

Dunc coasted for a few feet. “Still, you should make an effort …”

Amos wasn’t listening. They were passing Melissa’s house. He always rode by slowly in hopes that he might catch a glimpse of her.

They were almost to the end of the block when he saw her. She was standing at the window. Her long golden hair was blowing in the wind.

“Look, Dunc! There she is.”

“Watch where you’re going, Amos! You nearly ran into me.”

“Isn’t she beautiful?”

“I guess. If you don’t count that ugly purple bruise and the bandage on her forehead.” Dunc pedaled up ahead. “We’re going to be late for school if you don’t come on.”

Amos was about to turn and follow, when the most unthinkable thing in the whole world happened.

Melissa looked down from the window—and waved.

Amos was stunned. He stared until he lost control of his bike and rammed a fire hydrant. When Dunc came back for him, Amos was on the ground wearing the front wheel of his bicycle around his neck.

“Are you okay?”

“She loves me!”

Dunc pulled the wheel off of Amos’s head and put it back on the front of the bike. He stood on the frame and tried to straighten it. “I don’t know if you can ride it. You may have to push it to school.” He looked at Amos. “Can you walk?”

“Walk? I can fly! Melissa waved at me.”

Dunc glanced at Melissa’s house. He didn’t see anyone. He looked back at Amos, who was sitting on the ground with an absurd grin on his face. “You’re imagining things again.”

“No, really.” Amos pointed at the house. “She stood at that window, looked right at me, and waved.”

Dunc studied the window. The curtains were flapping in the breeze. “I’m sure it was
an optical illusion. Come on, we’re going to miss first period.”