Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (16 page)

As a sense of influence over your anal muscles increases, you'll quite easily be able to insert two fingers at a time, or even three if you'd like. The key is to continue using the same unhurried, pressure-free approach. If you happen to push beyond your comfort zone, your anus will let you know with an obvious contraction. Gently back off or let go a little. No judgments.

Spend a few minutes as regularly as possible doing this simple exercise. Why not make it a part of daily bathing or showering routine? This way you're more likely to do it. In addition, developing and maintaining the habit of exploring your anus for a few moments each day will help promote a lifetime of anal wellness.

For a more dramatic effect, especially if you're discovering that your anal/ pelvic muscles is one of your tension zones, spend extra time exploring your anus in the shower, but don't stop there. Develop the routine of "checking in" with your anus many times throughout the day. Stop what you're doing and tune into whatever sensations you notice in your anus. Take a few deep breaths, clench your anal/pelvic muscles, and then release them on the exhale. It takes disciplined intention to make this happen consistently. But the growing sense of openness and vitality in your pelvis may astound you.

Try a variation of this method the next you feel the urge for a bowel movement. Remember, if you have learned to ignore these natural urges, your first challenge is to detect the signals that your body is ready to defecate. As soon as you feel the urge, go to the bathroom. Once on the toilet, breathe deeply and picture your anal muscles letting go. Allow the muscles of your colon and rectum to expel the feces reflexively and effortlessly-no straining whatsoever. If nothing happens, don't push. Simply leave the bathroom and return again when your body signals its readiness.

RESPONSE

ExPLORING INSIDE your anus can be a turning point in your desire for anal enjoyment and well-being. But keep in mind that if your anus has been abused in the past, whether through painful sexual experiences or straining during bowel movements, it may take your anus a while to trust the presence of your finger. Patience invites release, whereas forcing generates tension.

Once inside your anal canal, even a little, you'll probably encounter new sensations. Some will be pleasurable, while others may feel rather strange. When you experience a new sensation, you may automatically assume that it's uncomfortable and want to quit. This, of course, is exactly what to do if you really do feel discomfort. But take a moment to ask yourself, "Is this new sensation actually uncomfortable, or just different?" If it's merely unfamiliar, but not especially uncomfortable, then you can leave your finger inside for a while as you relax and familiarize yourself with the new feeling.

Exploring your anal canal sometimes triggers memories and pent-up emotions. Of course, you may also recall positive moments of anal pleasure, such as a particularly relieving bowel movement or memorable experiences of touch. But if you've had negative anal experiences in the past-anal medical problems, pelvic pain, or unwanted anal intercourse, for example-then leisurely finger insertions may remind you of what you'd probably rather forget. Ultimately you'll do yourself an important service by paying close attention to any and all feelings or memories, whether positive or negative. An open examination of your personal truth can, as they say, make you free. It helps if you write your responses in your journal after each session, or at least sit back quietly and think about them.

Also pay attention to any signs of resistance, such as forgetting to do the exercises, rarely finding the time, or doing something else when you had intended to touch your anus. There are always legitimate and understandable fears behind strong avoidance, fears which need to be brought to light and honored.

Beth made this important discovery:

I've been having a heck of a time getting anywhere near my anus until the other day when I was just sitting there and it struck me like an `aha' kind of thing. I suddenly realized I feel exactly the same way about my anus that I used to feel about my vagina during my period, like I have a disgusting and shameful wound, or that it's sick or diseased, or God knows what; it's certainly not rational. It's just not right to put my finger into an open wound-way too yucky. I guess all these years I've been waiting for my anus to heal or something. After I thought about this connection for a while, I actually tried my finger and it went in pretty easily. I can't say I'm exactly thrilled about it but this is embarrassing-I was relieved to find no blood.

Pete's recollection was quite different:

I've always hated fingers in my ass. Every time a guy has tried to put his finger anywhere near there I've braced myself to get fucked any minute. My asshole reacts the same way to my own finger. It's like I'm getting ready to be raped. I now can see I've been more or less raped several times but I just silently went along with it. No wonder my ass is so clenched; it's an angry fist. And, you know, I don't blame it one bit.

As you saw in the last chapter, your anus has a memory, in the sense that it expresses your personal history. However, most people find that the anus does not hold a grudge. Instead, it will respond to a new situation if you patiently and compassionately give it a chance. Once your anal muscles start to respond to your own caring touch, progress is usually rapid. You can then begin to "train" your internal sphincter, not with intimidation, but with understanding. Under coercion of any kind, your anus will automatically assume its instinctive protective posture.

Learning a more natural approach to bowel movements can also increase your capacity for anal pleasure and dramatically reduce the negative effects of chronic straining. To the extent that you usually push your way through a bowel movement, undoing this habit will require special attention. A wellfunctioning rectal reflex, a diet rich in fiber, and reduced sphincter tension should result in bowel movements being completed within a few minutes. The need for a lot more time strongly suggests that your natural responses are still inhibited.

Modifying the ways in which you have bowel movements can be more complex than you might expect. For instance, rigid toilet training can be a source of great embarrassment, fear and anger. This is especially true when parents believe that anal muscular control can only be fostered by threats of ridicule and coercion. Actually, there's no reason why anal control shouldn't occur as automatically as walking and talking. Depending on your experiences as a child, you may find that the reduction of anal over-control, and a return to a more natural elimination pattern, brings with it a rush of unexpected feelings. Many people find themselves spontaneously crying when they first experience the cleansing release of an unforced bowel movement. There's often anger too: "Goddamn her," said Meg, referring to her mother. "It's so easy! Why did she have to make it such a humiliating ordeal?"

It's not unusual to remember distant parental warnings or instances of "accidents" if anal control was not strictly maintained. If this is true for you, it may take a while to relinquish completely the conviction that chronic anal tension is the price that one must pay for controlling feces. It may require repeated reminding that excess tension serves no useful purpose at all. The innate tone of healthy muscles is all that is needed for effortless anal control.

Although it often sounds silly to people at first, almost all my clients report that a quiet sense of natural pleasure accompanies relaxed bowel movements-those in which the body's finely-tuned system of elimination is allowed to function properly. This discovery, of course, is not silly at all. Similar pleasure experiences usually accompany the optimal functioning of any body system. Put simply, bodily health is intrinsically pleasurable, and an overall good feeling lingers.

Now that you've absorbed a significant amount of information about the anal area and conducted some first-hand experiments, I hope that your comfort level is rising noticeably. If so, now may be an appropriate time to consider the erotic potentials of your anus and how-or whether-you want to develop them.

SEXUAL RESPONSE AND THE ANUS

Sexual responses are highly individual. The details of what excites you, the private and shared meaning of your turn-ons, and a host of other conditions determine whether a particular sexual experience is fulfilling. Yet in spite of the ultra-personal nature of eros, many of your physiological responses are also experienced by most other people. After all, our capacities for arousal and orgasm are part of our most basic human heritage.