Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (34 page)

Most of the people I've worked with either don't want to feel dominated during anal sex or else have mixed feelings about it. For them, submissiveness isn't necessarily conducive to anal enjoyment and may even be completely antithetical to it. Men in particular may be concerned about their own feelings and fantasies of dominance when they're on top during anal or vaginal intercourse. For them, the thought of having the tables turned causes an instant protective spasm of their anal muscles.

For many it's not the submissiveness or receptivity per se that are troubling, but rather the belief that allowing oneself to be anally penetrated is, by its very nature, demeaning and humiliating. Some women, and even more men, associate anal penetration with rape. Denying such unappealing associations isn't a helpful strategy because it simply drives the troubling ideas further underground where their inhibiting influence is at its worst. Again and again I've noticed that those who muster the courage to voice their most secret and embarrassing concerns are usually the ones who find workable resolutions.

For some, the answer is to disconnect anal intercourse from themes of dominance and submission altogether, and enjoy it instead as an expression of sensuality, playfulness, adventure, intimacy, trust or passionate exchange. For others, resolution comes in the form of accepting the troubling images, embracing rather than rejecting them, or possibly even transforming them into aphrodisiacs. The key here is to learn to see oneself not as the victim of dominance, but rather its master.

Some of those who become very tense whenever anal intercourse is attempted express a fear of being dominated precisely because the idea excites them tremendously in fantasy-including, perhaps, the humiliation aspect. Usually they're relieved to discover that people regularly have fantasies they have no intention of acting out. Obviously, making a clear distinction between fantasy and action makes it easier to define what one does and doesn't want to do with a partner. In some instances, though, fantasies of anal submission will eventually be acted out, not because they have to be, but because this is what the person genuinely desires.

Even those who might normally enjoy a sense of submission during anal sex are likely to avoid it like the plague if they feel controlled or manipulated in the rest of their lives. This is another reason why assessing the power dynamics in a relationship is so important. While there are a few people who long to be dominated in all spheres of life, most of us accumulate resentment when the balance of power is consistently and unfairly skewed toward our partners. For couples with large power discrepancies, anal enjoyment-and possibly sex in general-may need to be set aside until a more equitable arrangement is found. In most cases the search for a new alignment begins when the less powerful partner rises up and asserts that the statue quo simply cannot continue.

For those who'd like to include anal intercourse in dominance-submission styles of interaction, especially in heavier BDSM scenes, special precautions are required to optimize the pleasure and minimize the risk. The first priority is to recommit to your no-pain-ever-pledge, which may be difficult for those who enjoy super intense sensations at the pleasure-pain boundary. It's true that a relaxed and healthy anus and rectum can handle fairly vigorous and deep stimulation-but not the kind that actually hurts. Those who are aroused by being pushed beyond their comfort zone should confine body stress experiments to surface areas that can be readily monitored for tissue damage, and where recovery occurs much more easily if irritations or bruises do result. Keep in mind that anal-rectal tears (fissures) are extremely painful, slow to heal, and prone to infection.

Gay men often face extra complications in working out the power dynamics of anal intercourse, beginning with the fact that both are potentially able to give as well as receive it. We know from surveys that many gays enjoy it both ways, sometimes fluctuating in their desire to be tops, bottoms, or neither-depending on the situation or the partner. Others identify themselves exclusively as tops or bottoms and don't want to experiment, or have and only like it one way.

Sadly, some male couples are drawn into ongoing battles over who should be the inserter and who the receiver. These conflicts can spring from preferential incompatibilities, as when both partners prefer the same role. But contests over anal intercourse can be highly symbolic, as when either believes that the top holds the upper hand or that the bottom is, by definition, less manly. In one study, most gay men said that the inserter was more masculine. Interestingly, in couples where both partners were forceful, outgoing, and aggressive, there was more anal sex and sex in general (Blumstein and Schwartz, 1983).

One partner may be comfortable receiving anal intercourse while the other isn't. Sometimes this is perfectly acceptable for both, sometimes not. Or neither may be comfortable with anal sex, but one wants to experiment while the other is reluctant. The greatest pitfall for discordant couples is resorting to demands, threats, or putdowns. Partners who genuinely wish to expand their sexual repertoire can only do so in a spirit of collaboration, combined with a respect for inevitable differences. When intercourse is a symbol of power, one or both may insist on "equality"-inserting half the time, receiving half the time-as a matter of principle rather than preference. But all too often, the enjoyment of anal play becomes secondary or non-existent until the underlying power struggle is addressed.

Straight couples are by no means immune to similar conflicts over sexual role preferences. Having a penis indicates maleness, but not necessarily the desire to be the "top" sexually. More men than you might think long to be anally stimulated by girlfriends or wives, some of whom are quite willing to do it. But many straight women still feel that a guy who enjoys anal receptivity isn't a "real" man, so they lose attraction.

Although some lesbian partners thoroughly enjoy anal intercourse with a strap-on dildo, most don't or have never tried it. However, this doesn't mean that lesbians are spared from the untidy intricacies of sex and power. Erotic enjoyment of top-bottom roles is by no means confined to insertive sexual acts, but can be played out whenever one partner is aroused by taking the lead and the other finds excitement through surrender. Top-bottom scenarios are first and foremost a state of mind; particular behaviors are secondary. That said, the fact that lesbian sex tends to be less intercourse-oriented, and thus less dictated by predetermined gender stereotypes, seems to make it a bit easier for lesbian couples to experiment with various forms of anal play, if they're so inclined.

An ongoing controversy among lesbians-especially older ones who were deeply involved in early feminism-is over the legitimacy of "butch" and "femme" roles, both in and out of bed. Some lesbians want nothing to do with the butch-femme dichotomy-actually a continuum-because they see it as reenacting heterosexist stereotypes. Others find the contrasting energies to be a huge turn-on, including many who intellectually disapprove of such things.

Nowadays, increasing numbers of lesbians are openly celebrating the full range of erotic options, with or without BDSM role playing as an erotic intensifier. For some, claiming the right to be an enthusiastic top is a useful (and fun) antidote to early gender socialization that can easily confine a woman's sexual options to waiting, responding, or resisting. At the same time, the desire to be courted and desired by a persistent other-as traditionally feminine as it may seem-will never go out of style.

I've heard quite a few straight people say that they envy the ability of gays and lesbians to free themselves from rigid sex roles and to experiment with unconventional erotic styles. But this freedom usually doesn't come easily. Whereas straights have the option of taking their assigned gender roles for granted and having sex "by the book," gays and lesbians must grapple with an array of choices that can be as daunting confusing as they are liberating. Yet it's clear to me that any man or woman, regardless of sexual orientation, can expand his or her choices considerably by becoming more conscious of the infinite interactions between eros and power.

To some extent, the answers to these questions will come clearly into focus only as you live them. Yet consciously thinking about a few key areas can start you off in the right direction.

STAYING IN TOUCH

MUCH OF this book has been devoted to the development of self-awareness and relaxation. Unfortunately, once some people learn how to share anal pleasure with others, they stop looking at and touching their anuses privately. If you make this mistake you'll miss out on a variety of simple pleasures that can enhance the quality of your life. But even more is at stake. Ignoring the private aspects of anal enjoyment can lead to a gradual reduction of anal awareness and a recurrence of muscular constriction. This is especially true for those with a history of chronic anal tension. Conversely, if you build anal self-pleasuring and exploration into your life, you're far more likely to become increasingly comfortable with anal sexuality as time passes.

Do yourself a big favor by regularly exercising your pelvic muscles in order to preserve their tone, elasticity and sensitivity (see Chapter 5). You can also promote optimal anal and intestinal health by regularly consuming foods rich in fiber, especially whole grains and plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. It's difficult to get enough fiber from a normal diet, so it's not a bad idea to take extra each day. I suggest natural psyllium, available in easy-to-take capsules. Metamucil® is the best-known brand, but cheaper generics work just as well. It's equally important to avoid straining during bowel movements, relaying instead on your body's natural rhythms and signals. These are health-conscious habits that will serve you well for the rest of your life.