Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (35 page)

Every now and then use a hand mirror to give yourself an anal selfexamination, especially if you're feeling any discomfort. Minor irritations as well as more serious medical problems can often be detected visually more readily than by any other means. Looking at your anus periodically can also alert you if everyday stress is accumulating in your anal muscles. If you notice the tight, reddish, or puffy look of excess tension, make a special effort to spend more time relaxing, perhaps with the help of warm baths and deep breathing. During particularly stressful times, it may be best to avoid anal intercourse and focus instead on gentle external stroking of your anus.

One of my favorite recommendations deserves repeating here: Nothing can promote long-term awareness and relaxation more effectively than developing the habit of sensitively inserting a finger into your anus for a minute or two every time you shower or bathe. Once your fingertip is inside, use it to feel both of your anal sphincter muscles. Briefly contract these muscles against your finger as you inhale and then release them as you exhale. Complete the routine by briefly massaging inside your anus with a gentle, circular motion. Incorporating this habit into your daily routine has the effect of "resetting" your anal muscles to a reasonably relaxed state, and thus avoiding the gradual accumulation of tension.

WHO, WHEN, AND How

ONCE YOU'RE comfortable sharing anal pleasure with a partner you have many new choices to contemplate. With whom do you feel comfortable including your anus in erotic activities? What sorts of stimulation do you wish to include or exclude from your repertoire? And how will you express your desires within the specific circumstances of each encounter?

Most people who follow the approach to mutual exploration described in Chapters 11 and 12 are open to including at least some forms of anal stimulation with intimate partners, particularly when they've successfully cultivated trust, rapport and the ability to communicate honestly. Those who aren't currently involved in such a partnership usually feel that they, too, will want to experience anal stimulation with intimates in the future.

Of course, some people don't want to restrict their sexual activities to intimate partners, or aren't exactly sure what they want. During my original research a large majority of gay and bisexual men, close to half of straight men, and about a quarter of straight and lesbian women engaged in casual sex at least occasionally. One impact of the AIDS epidemic has been to reduce the frequency and modify the types of casual sex practiced by most groups, especially gay and bisexual men. Yet casual sex is still quite common and readily available, especially on the Internet. A key challenge for those who enjoy recreational sex is to decide what forms of anal stimulation, if any, will be a part these encounters.

For those considering anal stimulation with casual partners, a good place to start is with very low risk activities such as external anal touching or insertion of a finger or object. It's important, however, to make sure the partner's fingernails are smooth before allowing finger insertion. Generally, people are more apt to enjoy finger or object insertion if they're prepared to say "enough" at any time. The partner's response to such a request is a good indication of whether he or she can be trusted. If your requests aren't immediately honored, or if the partner applies pressure to proceed anyway, I suggest that you discontinue anal experimentation with this person.

Those who enjoy anal penetration express a wide range of attitudes about the conditions under which they're willing to try it. Among my research participants, well over half-including those who enjoyed other forms of casual sex-considered it unlikely that they would ever feel sufficiently secure with a casual partner to receive anal intercourse. The feelings expressed by Don, a gay man in his 30s, are representative of those who feel this way:

I like sex for pure fun and I don't always need to know the person to get into it. Even if I have no intention of seeing the person again I can still enjoy momentary pleasure with them. When it's over, it's over. But with other people I want it to lead somewhere. For me sex can either be intimate or not. It all depends on the situation and how we feel about each other. Frankly, I can enjoy oral sex or mutual masturbation with just about anybody I'm attracted to. And I always like lots of touching, affection, and body contact, even with a complete stranger.

But to me there's something much more intimate and personal about anal sex. I hardly ever feel comfortable with that when I first meet somebody. I have to trust the person and feel close to him and want to know him and have him know me. At first I thought this was a little weird `cause I know lots of guys who get fucked and it's no big deal. But that's not me-something I've finally come to accept. I just tell the guy I don't fuck until I get to know him better. If somebody can't accept that, too bad. I no longer think it's my duty to satisfy everyone.

Other men and women feel quite differently than Don. They view anal intercourse as no more or less intimate than any other sexual activity. Naturally, they're more inclined to include it in casual encounters. Even so, many avoid it anyway in the interest of safety. Some are willing to consider it as long as strict condom use is explicitly agreed upon ahead of time. Receivers are wise to reach down periodically and check with their fingers that the condom is still in place. As an added precaution, some seek an agreement that their partners won't ejaculate inside of them even though they're wearing a condom.

More than a few are torn by mixed feelings. On one hand, they like the fantasy of casual anal intercourse, but in actual practice they don't enjoy it. Follow-up interviews indicate that some research participants continued to feel conflicted about this for months, or even longer. Eventually, though, most became more accepting of their need for safety and comfort, and recognized the fact that enjoying something in fantasy can be very different than trying it in real life. Paradoxically, those who became most comfortable saying "no" discovered that their willingness to say "yes" simultaneously increased.

When it comes to anal play in a dating situation, the most common questions are how and when to initiate it. Of course, some people are ready to jump in right away and don't hesitate to ask for it directly or to broach the subject non-verbally, perhaps by touching the partner's anus and observing the response, positioning or moving their bodies to invite anal attention, or placing condoms and lubrication conspicuously next to the bed. These approaches are particularly prevalent among gay men because of widespread acceptance of anal sex as an erotic option. Nonetheless, these unspoken strategies can backfire when they trigger anxiety in an unprepared partner.

Many gay men, along with most opposite sex couples and lesbians, require a bit more comfort-building groundwork before initiating anal sex in a dating situation. Some discussion ahead of time can provide vital information about what you each require to assure a pleasurable experience. Such discussions aren't necessarily easy, though, which is why some partners choose to wait until something happens spontaneously. The trouble is that spontaneous anal experimentation may go poorly, making future attempts unnecessarily difficult. You might want to review the section "Choosing a Partner" in Chapter 12 for ideas on how to create optimal conditions for anal experimentation. If you're currently very comfortable with anal sexuality, some of the suggestions may seem unnecessarily detailed and cautious. If so, modify them to better suit where you are now.

As you can see, there is quite a range of possibilities. As you go about discovering which are best for you, you'll undoubtedly discover that the level of enjoyment you receive has relatively little to do with which choices you make. A far more important factor is your willingness to be assertive about whatever it is that works for you.

AGING AND ANAL PLEASURE

ONE OF THE FEW certainties of life, besides the proverbial death and taxes, is that our bodies change as we age and that some of these changes inevitably effect our sexuality. Although hardly anyone is thrilled about getting older, most of us adapt reasonably well to a slowing of our sexual responses, an increasing susceptibility to health problems, and the realization that our bodies are drifting further away from the ideals of youthful perfection that permeate our culture.

As we lose beauty and stamina, we hopefully gain self-knowledge born of experience and a deepening zest for sensuality. Many older lovers put far less emphasis on performance and prowess, concentrating instead on the simple joys of touch and affection. Concerns about technique tend to take a back seat to richer and more varied expressions of eros.

Although erotic experimentation is typically a preoccupation of the young, they by no means hold a corner on the market. I'm regularly struck by how true this is of anal exploration. I've worked with a much higher proportion of under-50 explorers and I must say they bring a special determination to the adventure. In more than a few cases, however, their motivation springs primarily from an urge to be sexually versatile rather than an enjoyment of the process. By contrast, the older men and women I've worked with, as well as the dozens who write me regularly, typically infuse their descriptions of each new discovery with genuine delight; the goal rarely overshadows the process.

Aging need not be an impediment to anal pleasure. But everything I've said about the importance of awareness and self-care goes double for older explorers. Already sensitive tissues can become more delicate over time. Muscles that haven't been exercised regularly lose some or even most of their tone and elasticity. The prevalence of medical problems such as hemorrhoids and constipation increases with age. And a smorgasbord of aches and pains, even those far removed from the anal area, can make it difficult to find comfortable positions for anal viewing and touching.

The good news is that older men and women have the most to gain from maintaining anal awareness and relaxation-because the health benefits tend to be obvious, sometimes dramatic, and relatively easy to obtain. Many older anal explorers initially follow my program to heal their symptoms and only later-as a positive side effect-stumble upon erotic and sensuous potentials they never expected to find.

More commonly than you might think, older lovers can be highly enthusiastic and adventurous about all forms of anal stimulation, including intercourse. For example, one couple in their 70s wrote to thank me for writing this book and then went on to say:

You've shown us a new opportunity we've been missing out on all of our lives. But we're making up for lost time, I'll tell you that. The other day Betty licked me to a fairly full erection and before I knew it she greased me up, sat over me, and slid me inside of her. I was shocked at how relaxed she was. Then she used her ass muscles to stroke me to the best orgasm I've had in years. I swear I don't know how the old gal learns these things.

With a bight pink pen, Betty added, "I'm not telling! But in case you didn't notice, Bob, you weren't the only one having orgasms."

Bob and Betty are by no means unusual. I have the impression, though, that the majority of older couples who enjoy anal play appreciate giving and/ or receiving anal massage with a finger, perhaps in conjunction with manual or oral genital stimulation, and don't necessarily care about penetration. Whatever they may do, one lesson is clear: We're never too young to begin preparing for those golden years-or to old to learn a few new tricks.