Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (31 page)

Most difficulties encountered with anal intercourse can be alleviated by proceeding slowly and patiently, focusing on the sensuous and practical aspects, overcoming unrealistic expectations, and assertively communicating feelings and preferences. But what if you're doing all these things and anal intercourse is still uncomfortable? Ask yourself once again if you really want to receive anal intercourse. People have a remarkable capacity to fool themselves. Particularly those caught in the Nice Person Syndrome, or those who have been traumatized in the past, may find it challenging to distinguish external pressures from their own desires. Perhaps a talk with a close, supportive friend or therapist-someone with no personal investment in your decision-can help you to clarify where you stand.

If you reaffirm your desire to be able to enjoy anal intercourse, the next step is to re-evaluate the approach you've followed thus far. Have you spent sufficient time exploring on your own? Many people don't take the self-exploration process seriously because their attention is totally focused on the goal of receiving intercourse. Sometimes unsuccessful attempts at anal intercourse are actually beneficial, because they compel a person to reconsider what they've been doing in the self-discovery department. Only then may they be ready to drop their urgency about intercourse and return to other forms of anal pleasure in a more authentic way.

If, however, you're truly in touch with your anus and rectum and able to enjoy anal touch with both yourself and a partner, but you just can't seem to relax for penetration, then it's important to consider whether intercourse has negative symbolic significance for you. For a great many people, intercoursevaginal or anal, given or received-is infused with the imagery of dominance and submission. Could it be that you're uncomfortable or confused about the dynamics of power as expressed in your sexual relationships or fantasies? Understanding the messy complexities of eroticized power is our focus in the next chapter.

The only relationships in which the intricacies of power can be easily ignored are those in which clear roles are rigidly adhered to by both partners. One person dominates and the other submits; it's automatic. Although many relationships are structured this way, very few couples are truly satisfied with their inflexibility. Even those who consistently gravitate toward one role or another eventually want the freedom to step outside of their assigned position once in a while.

Many people are reluctant to look at power in their erotic relationships because they think of it as primarily destructive, manipulative, or coercive. Yet it's crucial to recognize that honestly grappling with power can be highly beneficial. In order to take a creative, self-affirming stand in the world, we must feel that our desires, decisions, and actions will have some effect. People who think of power solely in its negative manifestations often adopt a role that psychologist Rollo May calls "pseudo-innocence"-an unwillingness to leave behind the naivete of childhood and confront a world of conflicting wills (May, 1972). Functioning effectively in adult relationships requires a realization that we're all capable of using power both creatively and destructively. Those who pretend to be aloof from the untidy complexities of power, typically end up hurting other people or being hurt themselves because they don't take responsibility for their actions and reactions.

Others refuse to examine how power is expressed in their romantic love relationships because they view love and power as fundamentally incompatible. But Rollo May warns, "When love and power are seen as opposites, `love' tends to be the abject surrender of one partner and the subtle (or not so subtle) domination by the other. Missing are the firmness of assertion, the structure and the sense of dignity that guard the rights of each of the partners" (May, 1972).

Another manifestation of pseudo-innocence is an unwillingness to examine the role of power exchanges in our sex lives. Delving into the interplay of power and eroticism is particularly important for anal explorers because, in the public imagination at least, anal intercourse is intricately linked with images of dominance and submission. The purpose of this chapter is to stimulate thinking and discussion about the multitude of ways in which anal eroticism can be positively or negative intertwined with power dynamics in our relationships, fantasies, and erotic styles.

SYMBOLS OF POWER

VIRTUALLY ANY physical characteristic or personality trait can be a symbol through which one person invests power in or withdraws power from another. Although it's not a very romantic idea, we all use one or more of these symbols as a kind of currency to position ourselves relative to our partners, whether casual or committed. Most of us try to compensate for our perceived weaknesses by playing up our strengths, sometimes with such subtlety that we don't even know we're doing it. But others deliberately emphasize their vulnerabilities; they prefer to see their partners as stronger. Complicating things all the more is the fact that partners' perceptions of each other's assets and liabilities can be radically at odds.

There are both risks and benefits involved in making this process more conscious. It can be disturbing to see that genuine caring may coexist with less lofty motives. Yet opening our eyes to the inner workings of interpersonal power dynamics can clear the way for more honest relationships with fewer covert manipulations. In addition, becoming conversant in the symbolic language of power can make it possible to use this language deliberately for erotic enrichment. Consider first some of the more common symbols and sources of power.

APPEARANCE. Though beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, every social group has its paragons of attractiveness. In modern times the mass media have spawned an unparalleled homogeneity of ideal physical types. Many people, maybe most, consciously or unconsciously place themselves and others on a hierarchy of desirability. One's place on a hierarchy (as perceived by oneself and others whose opinions are valued) contributes to one's confidence, or lack of it, in the sexual marketplace. Of course, everyone has appearance preferences, some more narrowly defined than others. This selectivity helps to intensify our erotic response to favored characteristics. However, when we use physical appearance as the primary means of assigning overall worth to ourselves and others ("looksism") we set the stage for considerable conflict and suffering.

At its worst, looksism terrorizes a person and literally determines the power dynamics of a relationship. Some people attempt to move up the appearance ladder by attracting someone whom they see as more desirable than themselves. They think, "If I can only get someone this beautiful to want me I'll feel better about myself." If, however, their self-worth depends on winning affection from or possessing the prized object, they'll gradually give up their own power. Such people can't simply enjoy another person's appearance. Instead, they use it as just another painful opportunity to feel inferior. Ambivalence toward the partner, self-protective muscular tension, and seething resentment are the likely results-hardly a recipe for a positive relationship or good sex.

Some people who demean themselves in this way find it difficult to be the recipients of sexual pleasure, anal or otherwise, because they're locked into the role of servicing the "more desirable" other. Quite a few clients have consulted me precisely because they wanted to receive anal intercourse on demand-not for any enjoyment of their own, but solely as a bid to hold a partner's interest. Some succeeded, but most became more constricted and wary than ever, often with their anal muscles expressing the unspoken rage that springs from denigrating their own worth.

Keep in mind that it's natural to feel that the object of our desire is more beautiful than ourselves. After all, our most powerful attractions are typically reserved for those who appear to have something special that we lack and therefore want to "import." This is why attraction often goes hand in hand with a certain amount of envy. But hopefully we also believe that we have something of value to "export."*
One-sided attractions may generate intense longing and wistful fascination, but they're ultimately unfulfilling. It's the give-and-take, the uncertainty, the juxtaposition of possibility and risk that makes our attractions prime motivators in the erotic adventure.

AGE. Obvious and subtle differences in appearance, experience, values and perceptions resulting from a significant age discrepancy can provide some of the contrast conducive to passionate desire. However, because of our culture's tendency to assign overall worth based on age-"ageism"-youth can easily become a source of power and status. Men of all sexual orientations are more likely than women to place youthfulness on their lists of sought-after qualities. It's commonly believed that sexual desirability increases throughout a person's 20s and 30s and begins to deteriorate sometime during the 40s or 50s. Many people start worrying about aging much earlier. Others are most strongly attracted to more mature people.

It's very difficult not to be affected by what our society teaches us to expect as we age: more responsibilities, less fun, less sex, less attention from others, and therefore less power. To some extent, the life process runs counter to these negative expectations. With age can come greater knowledge of and comfort with oneself, hopefully a degree of financial security, and a heightened capacity for genuine intimacy. For the perceptive man or woman, passing years also bring a clarity of values, an ability to distinguish the truly important from the trivial. But for many, these rewards never quite make up for the losses.