Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (27 page)

The suggestions made here are for a particular kind of encounter that is slow, relaxed, and sometimes accompanied by discussion. Not every encounter will or should be like this. However, it's good to bring a little structure to an encounter-with your own creative variations. The basic principle is that by deliberately focusing on things that don't come naturally, you can integrate these skills into your repertoire of comfortable behaviors. For instance, usually you won't speak very much unless a specific request would enhance your pleasure-or you like to talk dirty. You won't necessarily want to go slow or to take turns all the time, either. But it's good to be able to lie back once in a while without having to do anything.

Obviously, not all the potentials inherent in these communicative touching experiences can be realized in one session, or two, or even ten. Erotic communication is both a skill and an art; there's always room for refinement. Yet those who repeatedly try these experiences almost universally report a greater sense of freedom, a reduction of performance anxiety, and heightened feelings of intimacy.

As always, those who have the most difficulty doing these things, who find them threatening or silly, are usually the ones who most need to do them. Some feel that talking and planning takes all of the mystery out of sex. This concern is primarily based on a fear of sexual communication. An authentic sense of sexual mystery-which involves venturing beyond the predictableis actually enhanced by full communication. People who rarely talk about nitty-gritty sexual details are often following a scripted approach to sex from which all genuine mystery has been carefully extracted.

THE NICE PERSON SYNDROME

SOME OF us are strongly influenced by a destructive pattern called the Nice Person Syndrome, which distorts or totally blocks effective communication. The Nice Person Syndrome is an exaggerated role adopted during childhood as a means of getting approval and affection; in some families, it's a strategy for survival. Nice People try to be good boys and good girls at all costs. They're steeped too soon and too heavily in the values of unselfishness, cooperation, and pleasing others. They grow up inclined to defer to the wishes of others and to put their own desires in second place, or ignore them altogether.

I use the word Nice (capital N) to describe adults who still act like good boys and girls. Such people are often highly intuitive, but they use their sensitivity mostly for the purpose of discerning what's expected of them. They have a profound need to be liked and will violate, if necessary, their own integrity for even the possibility of love and affection. Ironically, they usually are accepted and well-liked, but they're not satisfied because they know they've withheld important dimensions of their true selves. As a result, Nice People often live in fear that nobody will ever really love them-including their imperfections and blemishes. They're convinced they must be perfect, yet they're constantly and painfully aware that they're not. Not surprisingly, they often exhibit bodily signs-including anal tension-of an unrelenting inner conflict.

Nice People operate on the basis of one central conviction: The only way to get what I need, or to avoid trouble, is to not upset anyone. They're usually very good at getting what they want without asking for it, but there's always something missing. Spontaneity is difficult since each interpersonal exchange is, in a sense, a performance. Keeping up the image requires constant vigilance, since all "bad" qualities-such as anger, selfishness, or competitiveness-must either be squelched, denied, or re-channeled in such a way that they at least appear nice.

I've deliberately presented a somewhat exaggerated characterization. But in it you may be able to see aspects of yourself. If so, I suggest that you look more closely at the negative effects this pattern is having on your relationships and sexuality. The impact of the Nice Person Syndrome is typically heightened in the presence of a significant other. This helps explain why some men and women can feel very relaxed and safe when they're alone, but tense up when they're with someone. In fact, people who have trouble sharing anal pleasure with a partner when they can easily give it to themselves often discover that playing Nice is getting in the way.

Nice People have trouble making straightforward requests. Instead, they tend to be manipulative, maybe dropping a few hints or else giving what they, in fact, want to get. One of my clients expressed his strategy for getting what he wanted from people as "nicing them into submission." Nice People believe that if they're just good enough, others will eventually discern what they want and give it to them. When this doesn't happen, they're hurt. They would feel angry too-but that's not Nice.

Nice People are usually "rescuers" who gravitate toward taking care of others. We rescue somebody each time we withhold or distort our true feelings to avoid hurting or upsetting the other person. We do the same thing when we go along with something when we really don't want to. What we usually don't realize is that in rescuing others, we treat them as helpless victims who can't take care of themselves. Rescuing, except in instances when someone genuinely needs help, is actually a subtle put-down.

Because Nice People have trouble expressing their desires, they tend to infuse potentially pleasurable situations with obligation and duty. After launching a sexual encounter, they may feel compelled to go through with it to the bitter end. This is one reason why making requests and taking breaks is especially important, although at times exceedingly difficult.

All of the experiences suggested here can help you become more cooperatively selfish. Non-manipulative communication is the only way to remain simultaneously in full contact with yourself and your partner. Obviously, if you tune out your partner, touching can become an exercise in alienation. What many fail to recognize is that if you ignore your own desires and feelings, then you have very little to share. But if you maintain a rich connection with your partner and yourself, you'll become a more sensuous and enthusiastic lover. In fact, finding this balance is the essence of intimacy.

RIMMING (ANALINGUS)

ONE FORM of anal stimulation that you and your partner may wish to discuss is oral-anal stimulation, technically called analingus but popularly known as "rimming," "rim job," or, more recently, "tossing the salad." Because the lips, tongue, and anal opening are all highly sensitive and potentially erogenous, it isn't surprising that many people enjoy bringing them into intimate contact. Rimming involves kissing or licking the anal area. Occasionally the tongue is partially inserted into the anal canal and moved in-and-out or in a circular motion. Some people have a strong, perhaps even exclusive preference for either rimming or being rimmed. Others enjoy both, either taking turns or else experimenting with positions that allow simultaneous rimming. But for many, such positions are too awkward to be enjoyable.

Of all forms of anal stimulation, rimming is most likely to trigger strong revulsion and disgust. Most of us learned early in life that when something is dirty we should definitely avoid putting it in or near our mouths. For this reason, partners would be wise to avoid pressuring each other into rimming. If someone is uncomfortable with it, even the thought of rimming can be a complete turn-off.

Those who decide to explore rimming usually want to try it during or immediately after showering or bathing. This can lower discomfort with the odors commonly found in the anal area and also greatly reduce the possibility of encountering feces. There are a some people, however, who find anal odors highly arousing. For these people, washing actually reduces the excitement.

Frequently, those who are squeamish about rimming feel the same about being rimmed. Others enjoy being rimmed even though they would never consider rimming their partner. Sometimes rimming is a part of dominance-submission role playing. Here the rimmer is seen as the submissive "bottom" and the one rimmed is the dominant "top." For some, the notion that rimming is degrading and humiliating heightens their turn-on. Others don't want to feel degraded and, therefore, won't enjoy rimming unless and until they view it as pleasurable rather than subservient.

Unfortunately for those who enjoy rimming, there are health risks to be considered, such as contracting diseases like hepatitis A*
and intestinal parasites, if the receiver is infected. When someone has one of these diseases, the responsible pathogens may be lurking even in tiny amounts of feces, where they might be ingested during rimming.

Theoretically, rimming could be a potential pathway for HIV transmission. An HIV-infected rimmee might, for example, have some anal bleeding, perhaps due to a hemorrhoid, fissure (cut or tear), or abrasion. In addition, the rimmer would also need to have bleeding in the mouth to open up the possibility of blood-blood transmission. This is obviously an unlikely convergence which has rarely, if ever, actually occurred. According to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation (www.sfaf.org), rimming "...poses very minimal risk for HIV transmission." We should keep our HIV concerns focused squarely on not sharing needles for drugs, and never having anal or vaginal intercourse without a condom unless in a committed, monogamous relationship in which both partners have tested negative for HIV.

Those who want to experiment with rimming should read Appendix A to learn about hepatitis A and the intestinal infections that actually can pose a risk, and then adopt a safer-rimming policy that makes sense to you. For example, thorough washing substantially reduces the risk of infection, as does limiting the number of partners with whom one practices rimming. One way to do this is to reserve rimming for non-casual interactions, where discussions about health and preparation are presumably easier.

An effective, but not very popular, means of eliminating the risk of infection is to use a barrier such as a "dental dam" (a small latex sheet available at some sex toy shops) or a piece of plastic wrap. Some creative rimmers cut a non-lubricated condom or latex glove into workable shapes that facilitate protected tongue insertion.

The risks of rimming for healthy, monogamous couples is extremely low. It's not zero, though, because a person can have an asymptomatic intestinal infection without realizing it. Also keep in mind that engaging in oral-vaginal contact after unprotected rimming might cause a vaginal infection-although here, too, thoroughly washing the anus makes a big difference.

While reading up on the latest recommendations about rimming, I couldn't help but notice a tendency to exaggerate the severity of its health risks, almost to the point of hysteria, in some instances. I've even read that particles of infected feces can't be washed away. Frankly, this is ridiculous. If you've ever had toilet paper break while wiping, I'm sure you had no trouble washing the poop off your finger in very short order. True, the anus has nooks and crannies that require a bit more effort to clean thoroughly, but it's not difficult to do. It seems to me that the anal taboo often brings an emotional charge to this subject that is neither helpful not scientific. The risks are real, but rimming is simply not a significant public heath problem.

Those who are dealing with anal medical problems such as hemorrhoids, fissures, or other irritations generally don't want to be rimmed, nor should they. Gentle anal massage, however, can sooth discomfort and even assist with healing. Also keep in mind that the process of slowly washing and touching a partner's anus can tell you a lot about how healthy their anus is.

Thinking about and discussing these issues may not be entertaining conversation. You might be tempted to ignore the entire subject of rimming. However, virtually all of my clients discover that discussing the risks and pleasures of rimming-along with other erotic options-helps them to be less anxious about sex in general because they know what they're comfortable with and what they're not. This knowledge frees them to fully enjoy whatever they choose to do.