Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (23 page)

When men get caught up in fears of homosexuality, they may be ignoring an even more primal fear: the dread of being viewed by oneself and others as unmanly and effeminate. Most men try to suppress or restrain the softer, receptive aspects of themselves. They fear their masculinity will be compromised and thus their overall worth diminished. This is why men who are called sissies often adopt exaggerated masculine behavior as a compensation. Among men, homophobia could just as well be called "femiphobia"-an irrational fear and devaluation of femininity. Femiphobia is a manifestation of the sexism which still pervades our culture, in spite of the improving economic and political status of women.

In such an environment, it is little wonder that receptivity to anal stimulation, with its physiologic similarity to vaginal receptivity, provides fertile ground for femiphobia. Although there is nothing inherently feminine about enjoying rectal stimulation, men who subconsciously or overtly believe such a connection exists are unlikely to give up this conviction easily. If a man wants to enjoy rectal insertion, gradually he must come to realize that embracing his femininity-if that's what receiving anal stimulation means to him-does not constitute a loss of masculinity. On the contrary, the ability to relax, to receive, to voluntarily surrender control is a psychological and interpersonal asset, not a loss.*

Many of my male clients, whatever their sexual orientation, have found that experimentation with rectal stimulation can be a symbolic way of becoming more at ease with receptive feelings. Sometimes this occurs without any conscious intention, as it did for Burt, who presented a super-masculine persona. Although he claimed to be a sexual adventurer who wanted to be adept at all forms of pleasure, at each new level of anal exploration he grew increasingly ambivalent. While he enjoyed the sensations of anal touch he also resisted it fiercely. He especially resisted rectal simulation because of its association with intercourse, which he definitely didn't want, fearing that he might be "contaminated" by femininity. This is what he discovered:

I was trying to get my wife's vibrator in my rectum (it amazes me I would even try) and boy was I trying, pushing like I do with almost everything. The harder I tried, the tighter I got. Finally I just let go and it slid right in. Liz [his wife] says I became receptive. Anyhow, it worked. I now have some idea of what receptivity, submissiveness-whatever you want to call it-feels like. Pretty good, I'd have to say, but still not sure if it's for me.

Others deliberately set out to develop a receptive frame of mind before even attempting rectal stimulation. Many men quickly discover that their subjective state determines both the ease with which they receive objects into the rectum and the extent of their enjoyment. Initially, however, the pleasure of receptivity is often overshadowed by femiphobia.

The fact that so many of us worry about gender roles and expectations isn't surprising. After all, at birth the first thing anyone ever wants to know is our gender. Then an extended training process ensues in which we learn how to walk, sit, gesture, talk, feel, and think in accordance with our assigned roles. Girls, and especially boys, who stray very far from the norm are ostracized and often teased ruthlessly.

It seems that in every culture where data is available, tremendous effort goes into exaggerating gender distinctions in every imaginable way. And yet generation after generation we keep this up, regardless of the havoc it causes. Sexologist C. A. Tripp (1987) argues convincingly that the central purpose of artificial gender distinctions is to maintain a certain distance between the sexes which he believes serves to intensify erotic attraction and excitement.*

Whether or not you buy Tripp's theory, you certainly know from your own experience the power of gender-based expectations. For most men, being sexually penetrated may seem like the ultimate repudiation of their masculinity. So don't be surprised if the seemingly simple act of sliding an object through the anal opening and into the rectum sets off deep psychological reverberations.

For women, rectal play is more likely to reactivate commitments to the virtues of chastity and virginity, along with fears of being seen as amoral, depraved, lascivious, promiscuous whores. Jan explained, "Deep down I believe that anal sex is kinky and twisted, something a prostitute might do, definitely not for nice girls like me. Mom would never approve."

It's not unusual for today's liberated women to insist that they're openminded about sex-which, of course, many are. Yet within more than a few open minds, a silent inner battle is being waged between opposing emotional extremes-it's the virgins against the sluts. It's better to let both sides have their say in a conscious dialogue. Centuries of gender stereotyping cannot easily be swept away.

MISSING THE TABOO

THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK I've primarily addressed the negative aspects of the anal taboo, how it alienates us from ourselves and limits or destroys our capacity for pleasure. But in erotic life there's always another side to the story. In my book about the psychology of sexual desire and arousal, The Erotic Mind, I describe an in-depth analysis I conducted of peak erotic encounters and fantasies-the hottest and most memorable ones. In almost 40% of these peak turn-ons, the thrill of breaking the rules and flaunting taboos was a major aphrodisiac. I call the process through which prohibitions are transformed into erotic fuel the "Naughtiness Factor," and it tends to be an especially important aspect of eroticism for those who grew up steeped in anti-sexual messages and warnings.*

Now that you've come this far in your self-exploration, the anal taboo is hopefully loosening some of its grip, which is very good news indeed. But as anal sexuality feels more acceptable and less forbidden, you may begin to sense a reduction in certain kinds of raunchy excitation. For more than a few, this decreased arousal is so pronounced that they almost yearn for the "good old days" when anal sex was secret, sleazy, and sinful.

Some people feel the first hints of waning intensity when they get out the hand mirror and have a look with the lights on, or when they use their finger to gather information about the anal sphincters. Usually the significance of breaking down the anal taboo becomes fully clear about now-when you've learned enough to focus on the erotic potentials of anal-rectal stimulation. Marc expressed his dilemma, "When it comes to pure lust, frankly, the fantasy of anal sex was hotter when it was dirty. The down side was that I couldn't relax and enjoy it the way I do now. It pisses me off to think I might have to choose between excitement and comfort."

Similar dilemmas are commonplace in the paradoxical world of eros. The lustiest fantasies and encounters aren't necessarily the calmest. On the contrary, a certain amount of tension and uncertainty, including some anxiety and guilt, often serve as excitement intensifiers. If you feel torn about the anal taboo-both hating and missing it-the first thing to do is to realize that your situation is completely understandable considering the pervasiveness of the anal taboo, as well as the normal dynamics of erotic life, where conflicts and contrasts are regularly fuel for passion.

You have two fundamental ways to go. One option is to cultivate alternative forms of arousal that can only be found beyond the limits imposed by a taboo. Sensuality reaches its zenith, for example, when all ambivalence has been transcended and you totally immerse yourself in the delights of the moment. Similarly, anal-rectal touch is most likely to lead to a profound communion with oneself or another when the last vestiges of prohibition fade into obscurity. These dimensions of arousal don't necessarily unleash the same raw, lusty kick as a scene of violational intrigue, but their rewards are deeply moving nonetheless.

Another option for those who crave the thrill of the forbidden is to imagine or pretend that you're being raunchy or wicked, even though you're really not. Countless people use this technique all the time, sometimes without fully realizing it, to add an extra spark to sex. It can be quite effective to act as if you're still fighting against a taboo long after the battle has been won. The challenge here is to disconnect the titillation of naughtiness from genuine disgust, muscular tension, and other enemies of satisfaction. For instance, some people find excitement in the idea of shocking an imaginary prude or offended moralist. They appreciate their own comfort all the more in contrast to the image of disapproving others. And let's face it, no one who's aroused by the Naughtiness Factor needs to worry that anal eroticism will ever become completely mainstream or conventional; that's simply not going to happen.

DRUGS AND ANAL PLEASURE

PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS looked for substances that can alter their sexual experiences in some desired way. Sought-after effects include an increase in sexual desire, relaxation or suppression of inhibitions, and sensory intensification. Today, recreational drug use prior to or during sex-whether alone or with a partner-is at least as widespread as it was in the freewheeling 1970s during the peak of the sexual revolution.

It isn't surprising that some anal enthusiasts have experimented with chemicals specifically to enhance their enjoyment of the anus and rectum. Similarly, those who want to enjoy anal stimulation, but find it difficult to relax, sometimes seek chemical help. Finally, men and women who are grappling with-or avoiding-one or more of the complex issues we've just been discussing, may consider drugs a shortcut for calming or forgetting about distressing inner conflicts.

Anal relaxation or sensual enhancement claims are made for five types of popular drugs: (1) alcohol and other depressants, (2) marijuana, (3) cocaine and other stimulants, (5) other "club drugs," and (4) volatile nitrites. All except alcohol are illegal, and all have a variety of negative side-effects, some potentially serious, when over-used. Anyone who aspires to optimal anal pleasure and health and who might, or already does, use any of these drugs is wise to become informed about them, especially how each affects anal relaxation and awareness.

ALCOHOL AND OTHER DEPRESSANTS. Because alcohol depresses the central nervous system, and because it's legal and readily available, it is by far the most popular drug for lowering anxieties and inhibitions prior to sex. Other drugs, such as barbiturates, are almost identical to alcohol in their effects. In fact, a person who develops a tolerance for alcohol will simultaneously develop tolerance for barbiturates.

Barbiturates have been mostly replaced by anti-anxiety drugs and minor tranquilizers, especially benzodiazepines ("benzos") such as the well-known brands Xanax, Valium°, and Ativan°. These drugs are more popular for sex than barbiturates because doctors are more willing to prescribe them and because they can calm anxieties and inhibitions with less drowsiness than barbiturates. Benzodiazepines also have mild muscle-relaxing qualities which, in some instances, may reduce anal tension slightly.

Alcohol and other depressants typically have calming effects-although some people are clearly energized by them, especially at lower doses. Central nervous system depressants are primarily used as a prelude to anal and other sexual activities because of their ability to reduce inhibitions. Luckily, the inhibition-reducing and anti-anxiety effects of all depressants reach their peak, for most people, at relatively low doses, such as one or two cocktails or glasses of wine.

At higher doses, these drugs have a sedating effect, and reduce our sensitivity to touch; they may disrupt sexual functioning or significantly impair our judgment. Obviously, none of these side effects is conducive to sexual fulfillment, regardless of whether the anus is involved. Combining alcohol and other depressants is especially risky because each intensifies the effects of the other, often unpredictably.

Users of any depressants should also be aware that tolerance for these drugs develops fairly rapidly, so that increasingly larger doses are needed to obtain the same effect.*
This characteristic gives these drugs a relatively high potential for habituation and addiction. And because heavy use of any depressant with anal stimulation decreases awareness of pain, the user can be deprived of the bodily messages necessary to guard against anal damage, especially when vigorous internal stimulation is practiced.