Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (25 page)

Keep in mind that healthy recreational drug use requires that the drug primarily be used to enhance experiences. This is possible only when the person can also enjoy that experience without the drug. If a person believes that a certain drug is required for the full enjoyment of anal eroticism (or anything else), then he or she has become dependent. Dependency of this type, reinforced over time, is highly likely to be detrimental to one's enjoyment of sex as well as to one's overall well-being.

If you find yourself using more than moderate amounts of a drug or using it more than occasionally when you explore anal eroticism, then you're probably looking for a chemical solution to inhibitions that can be more safely and effectively reduced through gentle, persistent self-exploration.

Once you become fully at ease with anal eroticism, you'll be in a much better position to decide which recreational drugs, if any, you'd feel comfortable using, in what quantity, how often, and under what circumstances. Take the time to gather much more information than I have presented here about any drug you might consider using or are already using. Even though research on the effects and risks of most drugs is far from conclusive, it's still possible to weigh potential risks against likely benefits and structure one's drug use to keep the risks to a minimum.*

Drug use that is primarily motivated by a desire to reduce anal pain is virtually always unwise. Anal pain that accompanies the insertion of an object into the rectum signals the need for relaxation or indicates a medical problem. It isn't helpful, and may be extremely damaging, to try to deaden anal pain chemically. Therefore, never apply over-the-counter local anesthetics, cocaine, or any other sensation-reducing agent to the anus. Pleasure and numbness are inherently incompatible.

Coping effectively with the complexities of recreational drugs, feces, homophobia, gender roles, and the paradoxical effects of the taboo takes considerable awareness, courage, and persistence-all built on a fundamental desire to act in the most self-affirming ways possible.

Receiving anal stimulation from another is very similar to giving it to yourself; either experience is best in the context of a positive, non-threatening relationship. So far you've cultivated a "relationship" with your own anus and rectum. But you may not yet be equally comfortable with a partner. This chapter is devoted to building such a relationship. Our goal will be to combine verbal and tactile communication into a seamless tapestry of respectful connection between you and your partner. Unfortunately, many people neglect verbal communication the moment they begin touching. They forget that both aspects of communication are essential for deeply satisfying interactions.

The key is to develop or refine crucial skills, including the ability to make and receive explicit requests, to experiment playfully without pressure or demand, and to ask for and receive explicit verbal feedback. Obviously, these skills are useful not only for anal exploration, but for all forms of shared enjoyment.

Almost any form of anal-rectal stimulation with a partner can be part of your experimentation at this point, with one exception-intercourse, our focus in the next chapter. Believe me, putting intercourse aside for now will serve you well. Many couples make the error of jumping into intercourse without adequate anal touching first. Far too often the result is a negative or painful experience which can easily be avoided by taking it one step at a time.

CHOOSING A PARTNER

WHO WOULD YoU like to accompany you on this adventure? If you're in a monogamous relationship the choice is obvious. If you're in a primary but non-monogamous relationship, chances are you'll want your primary partner to participate with you. However, if you've received a clear message from your partner that he or she has no interest whatsoever in anal exploration, then you'll need to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of asking someone else. Maybe you've already been talking with another sex partner about your selfexploration and have found them to be more interested and supportive. On the other hand, you may not know anyone like this, in which case you'll want to consider whether cultivating an outside involvement is a good idea.*

Choosing a non-primary partner for anal experimentation may very well threaten your primary relationship, but not necessarily because of the sex. Actually, many non-monogamous couples learn to cope with outside sexual contacts with a minimum of turmoil. A far more serious threat arises if the secondary relationship becomes more communicative, and thus more intimate, than the primary one.

For those who are dating but not seriously involved, or for those not seeing anyone, focusing on several questions can help you identify a potential partner either now or in the future: In what kind of relationship would you expect to feel most open to experimentation, even if some of it is awkward? Do you want to be "in love"? For some this is a must because they're gloriously uninhibited when caught up in the unbridled intensity of romantic passion. For others the vulnerability of high romance is an inhibiting factor because the emotional stakes are so high. In addition, during early romance the starry-eyed partners are often convinced that communication about sex is superfluous because they're so magically attuned.

I've also known people who've found it easier to be adventurous with an ongoing sexual friend-what some people call a "fuck buddy"-because they share an informal, relaxed rapport unencumbered by the intensity and expectations of a romantic attachment. Others don't want a sex buddy but derive a similar sense of freedom from dating two or more people at once.

Some people are understandably upset when they're ready for anal exploration with a partner but they don't yet have one, perhaps not even any prospects. Needless to say, those who long for a relationship experience sadness and frustration at times; feeling a new level of openness can make the sting of loneliness all the more poignant.

If you're in these circumstances, about all you can do is make yourself as emotionally available as possible, identify ways in which you might be holding yourself back, vigorously reject the common misperception that single people are somehow inferior, and by all means be patient. Remind yourself that the selfexploration you do now can enhance the joy of future intimate connections. Relationships are often at their sweetest following an extended dry spell.

A more recent option is called "sexological bodywork," and for some it's an ideal choice. Famed body worker and sexologist Joseph Kramer developed an intensive training program to help experienced, certified bodyworkers learn how to use their touch skills to help clients resolve sexual problems or expand their capacity for pleasure. The basic setup is just like any professional massage: The client lies on a massage table in a comfortable state of undress, and receives touch from the body worker, but never gives it. But unlike traditional massage therapists, sexological body workers are comfortable talking with their clients about sex, and the touch may include all areas of the body, including the genitals and anus, if comfortable. Everything they do is thoroughly explained and discussed first. The goal is to learn how to relax and receive, and to use breathing as a powerful tool for becoming more attuned to one's body and less focused on thoughts.

In California, sexological body workers are certified by the state, which gives them a high level of legitimacy. But trained body workers of this kind are available in many places. Some are not only experienced working with individuals, but also work with couples, guiding and coaching them in touching each other. If you're curious, look into it. **

Once you've selected a suitable partner, the next step is to present a clear proposal for what you have in mind, and why you think it would be beneficial to try it. If you've kept this person up to date on your private activities and he or she has been encouraging, then your request will likely be greeted with enthusiasm. Planning time and defining a few basic ground rules may be about all you'll need to do.

Typically, however, the transition to shared anal exploration requires one more ingredient: opening or expanding a dialogue about each other's feelings, wants, and hopes. Be sure that both of you bring up any reticence, worries, or concerns you have, even if they're difficult to talk about. The main goal is to reach a mutual understanding of what each of you requires for the most comfortable experience possible. Use a consensus approach-don't try anything unless you both genuinely want to.

Reluctance, wherever you may find it, is usually a sign of fear, one the most difficult emotions to articulate. Intimate self-disclosure and some gentle probing may be necessary to uncover what a person is truly concerned about. But once acknowledged, many concerns are easy to take care of. For instance, worries about encountering feces can be addressed by agreeing to take a shower or bath together beforehand. Anticipated awkwardness with the unfamiliar may result in thoughts such as, "I'm not sure I can do it right," or, "what if I freak out halfway through?" A mutual understanding that you're both entering new territory, that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to respond, and that you'll stop the moment either of you asks, all go a long way toward building a sense of security.