Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (33 page)

EROTICIZING POWER

THOSE WHO can enjoyably insert penis-size objects into their rectums in private, but are unable to receive intercourse with a partner even though they want it, typically discover that power inequities like those I've just described are breeding resentment and muscular tension, and are downright anti-erotic. Similarly, unpleasant and unwanted feelings of being dominated, controlled, or demeaned are almost always incompatible with anal pleasure.

But the role of power in erotic life is paradoxical. Just as destructive skirmishes for control can wreak havoc on a couple's sex life, many men and women of all sexual orientations discover that deliberately fantasizing or consensually acting out scenarios of dominance and submission can have unmistakable aphrodisiac effects. There's no doubt about it: The messy complexities of power can either be turn-offs or turn-ons. Anal explorers need to be aware of these contradictory possibilities and discover which expressions of power, if any, might enhance their pleasure, and which are likely to get in the way.

The degree of interplay between eros and power stretches out over a wide continuum, ranging from subtle to extreme. At one end of the spectrum are nearly universal images of male-female intercourse in which at least some degree of dominance is expected on the part of men with a corresponding submissiveness for women. I would venture to say that most people's ideas about sexual interactions, particularly intercourse, involve a top who initiates, choreographs, and directs, and a bottom who responds, yields, and surrenders.

Simple top-bottom exchanges are aspects of everyday sexuality. Contrasting yet complementary roles can positively energize an encounter or fantasy for everyone involved. And it's a mistake to assume that tops are winners of the game and bottoms the losers. Actually, when both partners are enthusiastically involved each feels validated and empowered, no matter which role they play. Tops experience the passionate surrender of their partners as compelling evidence of their own irresistible erotic allure. Similarly, bottoms interpret the focused desire of tops as signs of their own desirability.

Another big advantage for bottoms is appearing not to be responsible for what happens-"I couldn't help myself; he or she made me do it." Relinquishing responsibility to a more powerful other can be a useful method for getting around the lingering effects of guilt and anti-sexual training.

Although many men and women automatically reenact gender-based power roles in most or all of their sexual encounters, this predictability can become routine and boring. Consequently, adventurous lovers often get a charge out of reversing their usual roles. Many men long to surrender to a dominant other, just as some women wish to cast aside their feminine restraint and feel the rush of someone yielding to them without reservation.

When I analyzed over 1,000 anonymously written stories of peak erotic encounters and fantasies in preparation for my book, The Erotic Mind, enthusiastic descriptions of various power scenarios were the third most common type after longing and anticipation and violating prohibitions. But I also discovered that top-bottom roles are usually more complex than they appear on the surface, often to the point where it's difficult or impossible to pinpoint who's really in control.

Peter, a construction worker in his mid-30s, told a tale that captures this ambiguity perfectly:

I had just stepped out of the shower when she rang the bell. I wrapped a towel around my waist, invited her in and followed her to the couch. I felt excited and vulnerable to be nearly naked while she was fully clothed. Tension was rising.

She said, "If you're not careful I'm going to rip off that towel." I liked her taking control, but I played it cool (I knew I was driving her wild). Soon she did rip off my towel. I was totally naked and she was still fully dressed. There was something completely unnatural about this but also very satisfying.

She took total control and did something completely out of character. She turned me on my belly, draped me over the couch, stuck her finger up my asshole and masturbated me with her hand. It was as if my whole body became a giant penis and she was massaging the whole thing, inside and out. After orgasm, I shivered and twitched for ten or fifteen minutes while we held each other. I can't remember ever feeling more alive than I did that night!

On the surface she's in control, no doubt about it. But notice how he's anything but passive. He actively stokes her excitement, first by seductively presenting himself half-naked, and then by acting nonchalant, goading her into aggressive action. There's is a graceful dance in which erotic power flows both ways, escalating as their interaction evolves. It's the fluidity of their exchange that allows Peter to experience the surrender through which he is unforgettably vitalized and enriched.

BDSM. At some point along the continuum of eroticized power-no one can say exactly where-we enter into the "kinkier" realm where we wish to focus and exaggerate the power dimension in search of a more intense sexual charge. BDSM is the popular term for is a wide range of erotic interests revolving around power. "BD" stands for bondage and discipline, "DS" refers to dominance and submission, and SM means sadomasochism.

As you might imagine, the umbrella term BDSM covers a huge variety of behaviors and fantasies in which power roles are deliberately played out in stylized psychodramas called "scenes." Participants, known as "players," often use props, equipment, or costumes for dramatic effect-which underscores BDSM's inherent theatricality. So important are the props and costumes-such as the dominatrix's spiked heels, black stockings, garter belts, and whips-that the props themselves can become fetish objects embodying tremendous erotic power. For instance, the look, smell, and texture of leather is so ubiquitous in BDSM that it is often called the "leather scene."

The overriding purpose of BDSM is the creation of high levels of erotic intensity between the participants, or within oneself during fantasy. In some extended scenes, players actually achieve altered states of consciousness, sometimes with mystical or spiritual overtones, that can last for days.

Bondage and discipline (BD) involves consensual restraint with ropes, or with paraphernalia such as straps, handcuffs, collars, leashes, or cages-all intended to spotlight the utter helplessness of the bottom and the total control of the top. Once restrained, the bottom either passively submits or struggles and squirms while the top "inflicts" overwhelming pleasures. Sometimes a blindfold, mask or hood is used for visual deprivation and to focus awareness on the other senses.

Discipline rituals, with or without bondage, involve the strategic use of punishments in the context of power-infused roles such as parent-child, teacher-student, or prisoner-guard. The basic story line is that the bottom is caught or confesses to being bad or disobedient and must be taught a lesson with verbal reprimands and possibly a good spanking or whipping. Some clever tops drive their bottoms completely wild by depriving them of the punishment they crave. Disciplinary actions tend to be rather mild, done more for show than anything else. But some discipline enthusiasts like it rough.

Sadomasochism (SM) refers to the enjoyment of inflicting and/or receiving pain, either physical, psychological, or both. Physical pain is induced by slapping, scratching, biting, pinching, tickling, spanking, body piercing, dripping hot wax and, in the most extreme instances, flagellation and beating. Skillful players aren't going for pure pain; for most that would be anti-erotic. The challenge is to find the point where pleasure blurs into pain, so that the two become synergistic and exquisitely intense. Concentrated stimulation near the pleasure-pain boundary releases a flood of endorphins and other brain chemicals which lead to a distinct high. For those who enjoy this sort of thing, body stress and ecstasy become one. As they coax their bottoms toward the pleasure-pain nexus, experienced tops gradually apply greater stimulation in fluctuating steps, escalating in tandem with the bottom's tolerance and desire.

Psychological pain typically takes the form of stylized humiliation, embarrassment or degradation. Depending on specific arrangements made by the players or preferred by a fantasizer, the bottom eagerly obeys orders to grovel at the top's feet, relishes the opportunity to be a sex slave, or even begs for insults. But curiously, what looks like torment and cruelty to an outside observer is, to the satisfied sexual masochist, an uplifting gift of affirmation and love. Another common reaction to a successful humiliation scene is a feeling of pride at being able to endure and derive pleasure from indignities that would be an anathema to most.

The allure of SM is rooted in its many paradoxes: Pain is transformed into pleasure; tops are granted power and status by their bottoms, and vice versa; the right kind of punishment can be the greatest reward; total submission becomes a path to liberation; celebrating dark, uncivilized impulses can be a springboard to transcendence.*
None of this makes logical sense, which is probably one reason for the predominant view in psychology that enjoying SM is a symptom of psychopathology. Popular ideas that SM enthusiasts are inherently angrier, crueler, more self-hating, or in deeper psychic conflict than others, don't stand up to scientific scrutiny-of which there has been far too little.

One significant study gave seven standard psychological tests to 32 selfidentified BDSM practitioners. Virtually all the scores fell within published norms for the general population, except the BDSM group scored somewhat higher on "narcissism" and "nonspecific dissociative symptoms." (Connolly, 2006). Narcissism suggests a self-focus, but it's difficult to say what the latter category means. In general, dissociation is the ability to separate oneself from unpleasant situations.

In my experience as a therapist, people who respond to BDSM are as different from one another as they are from those who prefer more conventional sex. Strong inclinations toward eroticizing power can be readily found among severely disturbed and exceptionally high-functioning individuals-and everywhere in between.

Of course, one's level of psychological health influences whether their activities promote pleasure or cause harm. Certain players are prone to taking unnecessary and unwise risks. For example, some act out scenes without setting up clear agreements about the limits and parameters of the encounter, including a "safe word" for the bottom to signal an actual desire to stop, since in BDSM scenes "no" and "don't" so often mean "yes" and "don't you dare stop." Unfortunately, some bottoms have trouble setting boundaries and some tops have trouble respecting them. A few even allow themselves to be tied up by total strangers and may be badly mistreated by sociopaths who couldn't care less about consent and respect. And too often heavy drug use undermines the awareness necessary for healthful erotic play.

It must also be said that some BDSM enthusiasts are decidedly not uplifted by their scenes and fantasies. I've worked with quite a number of men and women whose chronic feelings of worthlessness were only reinforced and perpetuated by their sexual behavior. I believe that it's human nature to weave longstanding psychic wounds and unfinished emotional business symbolically into our erotic adventures in search of healing and mastery over our pain. Fulfilling sexual experiences and fantasies, with or without a strong power dimension, often transform distress into passion and undoubtedly can promote healing and growth. But our turn-ons can also turn against us if we find ourselves compulsively reenacting old wounds and traumas, merely confirming our helplessness and selfloathing, and receiving little or nothing of value in return. All complex and potentially rewarding human endeavors are like this: they can either enrich or undermine our well-being. It all depends what we do with them.

BDSM scenes of any type or intensity can be freely explored in fantasy. Quite appropriately, most of us grant ourselves a wider range of sexual possibilities in fantasy than in actual behavior. Consenting partners can experiment with milder forms of BDSM in real life with little more than a brief preparatory discussion and perhaps a few props. Those who wish to explore heavier scenes require much more guidance in learning the ropes, so to speak. One sign of the popularity of BDSM is the unprecedented
proliferation of popular books on the subject.*
The Web is also packed with sites about every imaginable unconventional interest. You can find a list of such sites in the "References & Resources" section (under the websites heading) near the end of this book. For the serious BDSM explorer, however, there's no substitute for an experienced mentor.

POWER AND ANAL INTERCOURSE

SINCE RECEIVING anal penetration is commonly viewed as a quintessential expression of sexual submission, it comes as no surprise that many people want to surrender to a dominant other, at least to a certain extent, when they receive anal intercourse; they're very clear about it. In fact, some can be remarkably aggressive in arranging encounters that fulfill this need. For these people, playing a bottom role doesn't result in anal tension. On the contrary, the excitement of feeling sexually overpowered may even be a prerequisite for maximum anal relaxation and sensitivity.