Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (13 page)

RESPONSE

THESE MINDFUL. self-observation experiments-simply watching without judgment-may sound so undramatic, maybe even silly, that you may be tempted to neglect them. But make no mistake about it, these could well be the most important experiments you will conduct. If you expect to enjoy your anus during sensual or sexual activities and ignore it the rest of the time, you probably won't get very far-especially if your anus is a chronic tension zone.

If you do take time to observe your anus in a variety of different moods and situations, you can learn a tremendous amount. First, you'll notice that your anus does get tense-probably very tense-when you're upset, angry, or afraid. It is important to realize that this will happen no matter how familiar you become with your anus, or how relaxed your anus typically is. To expect your anus not to get tense under stressful circumstances is to expect your body to abandon part of its basic mechanism for meeting danger.

What if you don't feel particularly upset or afraid and your anus is still tense? One possibility is that you are really having strong feelings but denying them. Your body doesn't lie or rationalize. Maybe your anus is expressing something of which you need to be aware. This is what Jane discovered:

My boyfriend and I were having one of our `discussions' the other night. He doesn't like to fight and neither do I. So we discuss. For some reason, I couldn't deny that my anus was tight, real tight-so tight it was hurting. And I realized I was furious. I wanted to strangle him! He was making me so mad but we were just discussing. Well, I decided I was going to express my real feelings-to hell with discussing. We were both scared and upset but we survived. And my anus felt much more relaxed afterwards.

People like Jane, who hate to get angry, often have an angry body. Your anus can tell you things about your emotions-kind of an early warning system-especially when you're trying to avoid them.

Maybe you're not holding back emotions yet you're still tense. Then there's a good chance that your anus is one of your chronic tension zones. Perhaps you've collected old hurts or anger from the past and stored them in your anus. Or maybe you've learned to keep your anus tight to prevent yourself from feeling too much pleasure. You don't have to uncover all the reasons in order to start changing. The key is simply to observe your anus. As you pay more attention you'll gradually release that festering bundle of tension and become more relaxed and open.

This release doesn't usually happen all at once, although it is quite possible to feel the good feelings associated with relaxed muscles after just a few moments of paying attention and deep breathing. This will motivate you to go on. For a while, perhaps a long while, your anus will revert to its familiar tense state. If your anus has been a chronic tension zone, you've developed a predilection that will require considerable time and attention to modify. And keep in mind that pressure or coercion of any kind only multiplies the tension.

If you're a person who struggles with things, who sees a problem and wants immediately to tackle it, you may find this a frustrating situation. In fact, your tendency to struggle and push yourself may be a central reason why your anus is so tight to begin with. For strugglers everything has the flavor of battle and their anuses are always prepared for a confrontation. Maybe you don't see yourself as a struggler, but rather a perfectionist. It may sound a little better but the dynamics are the same. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but if you demand a perfectly relaxed anus tomorrow, then you'll probably never have one. If your anus feels just a little more relaxed now than it did yesterday, you're doing just fine. Even if your anus isn't any more relaxed, but you're a little more aware that it's not, you're still on the right track.

If your anus is relatively relaxed except in certain stressful situations, consider yourself lucky. At least you don't need to grapple with an entrenched muscular pattern . Nonetheless, you can still benefit from considering what, exactly, your relaxed anus feels like. Feeling nothing in your anus doesn't mean you're relaxed-quite the contrary. When relaxed your anus will feel pleasantly alive and healthy. If you're not enjoying these sensations, or if you're not as in tune with your anus as with other parts of your body, then you have much to gain from continuing the self-observation.

Depending on the extent to which your anus has become a repository for excess tension, several factors may make changing the situation difficult. The first is the prohibition against anal awareness and pleasure, which is rampant in our society. Then there's the widespread belief, especially among men, that anal exploration is a sign of homosexuality and thus to be carefully avoided (more on this in Chapter 10).

Yet another factor can cause you to avoid anal awareness: If your anus has been ultra tense for a very long time, the first thing you may notice is how much it hurts. If this happens to you, it's important to pay attention to your anal pain in spite of an inclination to tune it out. Take warm baths. Breathe deeply. Stroke your anus gently. And soon your pain will subside. If it doesn't, or if you suspect a medical problem, find a good physician and get a checkup.

Increased awareness of your anal muscles and their response to emotions may be a catalyst for a global evaluation of the effects of stress on your body. If you don't already have one, consider developing a stress reduction program. Ideally, this should include at least a half-hour of vigorous physical exercise such as jogging, brisk walking, swimming, bicycling or dancing several times a week. Research suggests that simple activities like gardening or climbing steps instead of taking the elevator can make a big difference. Body-building activities are fine, but they don't result in the sustained heart rate required for optimum stress reduction. The benefits of exercise for de-stressing will be even more noticeable if you add at least one fifteen-minute period daily for practicing the relaxation technique of your choice.*

As you pay more attention to your anus throughout the day, see how it reflects and influences your emotions, and learn to release some of the tension collected there, you can turn your attention to what happens to your anal muscles when you're in a sexual situation. One enlightening approach is to recall certain experiences from the past. In the context of your present awareness, the past can be re-experienced from a fresh perspective. Don't worry if you haven't had any anal experiences to remember. You can easily use your imagination to guide you through the exercise.

EXPERIENCE 11

FIND A PRIVATE, QUIET PLACE to sit comfortably, wearing loose-fitting clothes or none at all. Close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly as you become increasingly attuned to your anus. The pace of your awareness doesn't matter. Simply notice how your anus feels at this moment in time. You might want to place your finger on your anus to help you focus. Gently stroking your anus also helps.

Now recall at least one sexual encounter where a partner made any kind of tactile contact with your anus. Remember the specific behaviors and feelings in as much detail as possible. If a sexual partner has never touched your anus, imagine what it might be like if he or she did.

See if you can recall or imagine this experience from the standpoint of how your anus responded to being touched by a partner. Were you afraid, apprehensive, open, excited? Return your attention to the present and see how your anus is feeling right now. Has it tensed up a little, or is it still relaxed? If you notice any increase in tension, take a few deep breaths until it is relaxed again.

Next, recall or imagine a sexual experience where your partner inserted a finger into your anus. What did you feel as your partner's finger entered your anus? Did your anal sphincters tighten up or let go? Did you feel safe or insecure? Were the sensations pleasant or uncomfortable? When you are ready, return to the present and notice your anus. If you notice tension, breathe until you're relaxed once more.

Now recall or imagine a time a partner wanted to have, or actually had, anal intercourse with you. Go over every detail in your mind. If you don't ever want to receive anal intercourse or find the idea distasteful, then there's no need to picture it unless you're curious. Fantasizing about something doesn't necessarily mean you want to do it. On the other hand, if you've had more than one experience with anal intercourse, recall those you enjoyed as well as those you didn't. Remember them as your anus remembers them. Return to your anus in the present and see how it feels. Write your reactions in your journal while they're still fresh.

RESPONSE

THE KEY TO THIS EXERCISE is to re-experience past or imagined events while remaining aware of your anus now. One thing you'll discover is that your body remembers; memories, both pleasant and painful, are retained physically as well as in your mentally. This is why suppressing memories of painful anal experiences will not relieve the tension. Only new, more positive experiences can do that.

With this in mind, ask yourself what factors contributed to any uncomfortable anal experiences you've had or imagined. Obviously, these are the things you will want to prevent from occurring in the future. Here are some common responses. Do any have a bearing on your experiences?

• I didn't know what was going on. My partner just tried it without telling me what he or she was doing.

• I didn't know anything about anal sex and felt that it was dangerous, dirty or perverted.

• My partner was insensitive and rough.

• I was afraid to say "no."

• I put my partner's pleasure ahead of my own comfort.

• I felt vulnerable, like I was being violated or used.

• I was angry but afraid to let it show.

• I felt I should be able to do it and didn't want to say that I was afraid.

• Anal pain hit me by surprise.

As you consider the effects of these and other factors on your anal muscles, you'll realize that during every negative experience you were essentially out of communication with, or not taking care of, your anus. To be in communication with your anus is to listen and respond to the neuromuscular messages it gives you.

Often awareness is the missing link in unpleasant anal experiences. Maybe you didn't realize how tense your anus was-until you felt the discomfort. It is common for people to be aware that their anuses are tense but to decide (or let their partner decide) to go ahead anyway. Here the missing link is action, not taking concrete steps to protect yourself.

I always ask people how they would have liked their painful anal experiences to have been different. Usually the response is something like, "I wish I could have just relaxed and enjoyed it!" This is understandable enough but let's take a closer look. Here's a loose but probably accurate translation: "I wish my anus had felt differently than it actually did so that I wouldn't have had to deal with it." Fantasizing ideal, magical solutions to anal discomfort is often part of the problem. Whenever you expect your anus to accept stimulation whether it feels good or not, you generate enormous inner conflict. If you leave your anus to fend for itself it will struggle valiantly by clenching more and more fiercely-until you get the message.