And The Beat Goes On (8 page)

“I can imagine.”

I looked at my hands in my lap and listened to the silence at our table. I didn’t know why I told him that. I hardly talked about my past with anyone. In our short time together, I already told him everything about me—everything important at least.

What did that mean?

Chapter Eleven

♬

Jeremy Clearwater

I excused myself to the restroom, but didn’t go anywhere near it. Instead, I went to the roof and inhaled the fresh evening air. I needed a moment to think.

Athena was a dead-end. I’d never get what I wanted out of her. She wanted something more, a meaningful relationship with a man she could trust.

And she deserved that.

But that wasn’t me. I couldn’t give her what she needed. I was selfish, rude, cold, superficial—a real asshole. That meant I’d have to give her up.

But I didn’t want to.

I’d only known her for three weeks and I was obsessed with her. I hadn’t had sex with anyone in that amount of time either—which was a record for me. I had pneumonia a few years ago and that put me on bed rest for two weeks. But now I was perfectly well but I hadn’t gotten any.

What did that mean?

Where do I go from here? Should I walk back inside and cut our date short? Should I waste any more of her time and mine when this wasn’t going where I wanted? I could just tell her the truth…

She would hate
me, say I’m like every other guy she’s been with. Then she’d be hurt and hopeless. Every man in her life always let her down. I didn’t want to be another one…

Then what do I do? I could finish the date then leave her alone. I could push her away. And carry on with my life like I never met her. I could find a new girl and bring her back to my apartment tonight.

But did I want that? I don’t know…

Why was this confusing?

I paced the roof until my time was up. If I didn’t go back down there, she would assume something was wrong. And I didn’t want her to think I had any bathroom problems…

I returned to the secluded table and took my seat. “I apologize. My manager had a few bookkeeping questions.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “I was afraid you weren’t coming back.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know…”

I think I did know why. And it broke my heart. “Can I ask you something about your mom?”

“You can ask me anything.”

What? I could?
“Really?”

“I have nothing to hide. My life isn’t full of secrets. I’m really not that interesting.”

You’re the most interesting girl in the world.
  “Why did she pass away?”

“Cancer,” she said simply.

“What kind?”
Please don’t say breast cancer or ovarian.
That was genetic and I didn’t want her to have a likelihood of getting the same disease. I wanted Athena to be healthy and happy forever.
Because I cared about her…

“Skin. My mother was a reporter so she was outside a lot. It was sudden. After she was diagnosed, she was with us for a week. Then she was gone.” Athena drank from her water and avoided my gaze. She seemed to be okay with her mother’s death on the outside, but I knew it still killed her on the inside.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. Her life was shorter than expected, but she lived a lifetime’s worth. She was beautiful, funny, and caring. She supported my interest in the arts, and she was the only supporter I had in the family. When she was gone, so was my dream.”

God, she was breaking my heart. How did someone so full of joy have such a horrific life? I seriously doubted her father even cared about her.
“What about your brother? Are you close with him?”

“No,” she said sadly. “He came to my apartment a month ago. I thought he wanted to spend time with me, but all he wanted was money.” She sighed. “I should have known.”

I was starting to hate her family.
“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve said that many times. You don’t need to keep saying it.” Her voice was weaker than a moment before.

“But I am sorry,” I said gently.

“I know.”

The waiter interrupted the somber atmosphere. He brought our dishes and refilled our wine before he left. Now I wasn’t hungry. I was in pain over Athena. It reminded me of my sister. Every time she wasn’t good enough for our parents, it broke my heart. I hated seeing the pain on her face. It hurt me a million times more.

It was no different with Athena. Every pain she felt moved into me, stinging my nerves and squeezing my organs. I was constantly uncomfortable with the knowledge of her life.

My success was largely attributed to being selfish. I had a goal in mind and I didn’t let anyone get in my way. It didn’t matter what their situation was. If they were in my way, I moved them. I wasn’t a compassionate guy. But with Athena I was.

And that scared me.

I watched her eat her food gracefully, her posture perfect and her manners elegant. Her small mouth had a perfect curve to it. I fantasized how her lips felt against mine. Just touching her hand made me excited.
How would her kiss feel? A million times stronger, I’m sure.

I wasn’t interested in kissing. I like to get to the point. I rolled the condom on and got down to business. But that’s all I could think about with Athena. Was she a good kisser? Would she let me kiss her? I imagined running my hands through her hair while my lips massaged hers. Her skin was smooth and soft.

I stopped the thoughts before they got out of control.

“I want to know something about you,” she said.

“You can ask me anything,” I blurted.
Did I just say that? What the hell was I thinking?

She finished her plate then pushed it aside. “Why aren’t you close with your parents?”

She got right to the point. But I did the same thing to her. Every question I asked her was extremely personal, something you only told a good friend, if that. Maybe I should have just asked what her favorite color was. “My father left me and my sister when I was three.”

The hurt shined in her eyes. “I’m so sorry…”

“I know.”
I know exactly how you feel.

“So you don’t know him?”

“He came back into my life when I became an adult. He asked for another chance. I’ve made a few mistakes in my life and I was given the opportunity to right those wrongs. I decided to pay that forward.”

“So, you have
a relationship with him now?”

“Somewhat.”

“What does that mean?” she asked quietly.

“He’s…not very supportive of my sister. She’s wanted to be a musician her entire like. Basically, my dad thinks it’s the dumbest thing in the world.”

“I know how that is…”

“It makes me dislike him. My loyalty is to my sister, not him. He favors me because I’m successful. But does that really mean anything? If I was a bum would he take the love away…?” The thought haunted me every night. Would people care about me if I
was a nobody? Would they still have my back? I had a small number of people who I knew cared for me for who I was. Outside that circle, those people were limited.

“I’m sure he’d still love you, Mr. Clearwater.”

I hated being called Jeremy outside my close friends and my sister. It irritated me when people didn’t pay me that respect. But I didn’t like it when Athena said that. She was different. “Call me Jeremy.”

“Jeremy? That’s your first name?”

I nodded.

She smiled. “I like it.”

“Thank you. But your name is better.”

She placed her hand on mine. Like being electrocuted, the signal flashed up my arm and went to my brain. Desire ignited inside me. I wanted her in an emotional and physical way. It was hard not to stare at her perfect features and not feel that way.

I pulled away before I fantasized about kissing her again. I was never a gentleman, but I was doing even worse right now. And since she was classy and had good morals, I felt even worse for having such sinister thoughts.

“Where did you grow up?”
she asked

“Born and raised in London.”

“Do you like it here?”

“I’ve never lived anywhere else so I have nothing to compare it to. But I do like Southern California in America.”

“I’ve never been. When did you go?”

“A few months ago,” I said. “My sister lives there now.”

“Oh. That must be hard.”

“It is.” I didn’t want to elaborate. It made me sad we were so far apart. She asked me to move there and I gave it some serious thought. I had the luxury of living anywhere in the world. I didn’t necessarily have to stay in London.

She and I discussed parliament, the new tax to fund foreign aid, music, and television.

“I’m dying to see Cornelius. It’s only playing for a few weeks.”

“We should go.”
Damn, I shouldn’t have said that.

“That would be fun.” She had a tint to her cheeks.

When we were finished with dinner, we returned to my car. My driver waited for our arrival then drove us to her apartment. Sitting next to her was getting harder. I had the urge to grab her hand, place my arm over her shoulders, and even kiss her. And if she were any other girl, I’d do it.

But Athena was different.

I walked her to her door then stood there awkwardly.

She tucked a strand of brown hair behind her ear. It was thick and lustrous, probably from her Greek heritage. I wanted to touch it, to feel how soft it was. But I kept my hands to myself.

She didn’t reach for her keys in her purse. I wondered what she was waiting for.

“Thank you for dinner,” she said.

“Of course. I hope you liked the food.”

“Very much so.” Her chin was tilted up, her gaze directed on me. Her eyes were a brighter shade of green. It reminded me of the grass on the first day of spring. The heat brought out the chlorophyll of the stems. Flowers bloomed alongside it. The faint smell of the summer season came to my mind, then fall and winter. But in every change of weather, she was still there.

Why was I thinking this…?

I had no future with this girl. I really liked her, but we were from different worlds. She was smart and beautiful. Any man would be lucky to have her and make her his wife. Even when she aged, she’d still be gorgeous. I’d never change my ways. I would always be the sick and broken man that I was. I wish things were different but they would never be.

I had to let her go.

“Good night.” She stepped toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

I was surprised by the sudden affection. After I regained my thoughts, I automatically wrapped my arms around her. Her head was just below my chin, and I indulged myself with her scent. Her face was pressed to my chest. She took a deep breath then released the air from her lungs.

She didn’t have any intention of letting go and neither did
I. We stood together in the hall, just holding each other.

I’ve never done this before.

Athena moved slightly from side to side, almost dancing with me. My hand moved to her upper back. I shook for a moment before I moved higher and touched her hair. My fingers felt the warmth of her neck. I left it there, feeling her in an intimate way.

I never cuddled, snuggled—none of that bullshit. But I liked doing this with her. I should go and leave her alone, but I couldn’t leave just yet. I could stay here for a while and feel her against my chest. There was nothing wrong with that. Tomorrow, I would move on and try to forget her. But right now, I was with her. And I intended to treasure that.

♫

Leaving Athena was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I knew our relationship was over when I left her apartment, and that made it agonizing. I had to move on and forget about Athena. If I couldn’t give her what she needed, I had to bow out. She’d already been hurt enough in her life. If I had any respect for her, I should leave her alone. So I would.

I didn’t call her or return to her apartment for the following days. I’m sure my disappearance would give her the hint. But I did check my phone, hoping she’d text or call me.

Please call me.

I forced myself not to think about it. Athena was no longer in my life.

I searched for the next woman to bring to my bed. I went to a bar just down the stre
et so I wouldn’t have to walk far. While I sat in my usual booth, I looked at the talent. There were a few pretty girls, nothing amazing.

I kept thinking about Athena.

I pushed her to the back of my mind and picked a random girl. I had to get this over with. I was horny as hell and I’ve been masturbating like crazy. I needed the real thing—a warm body under me.

I approached her then leaned against the counter. But as soon as I was near her, I felt the guilt rise inside me. The warm feeling was gone. I compared the awkwardness to the happy sensation I felt when I was holding Athena. I didn’t want to thrust into a girl I didn’t know. I wanted to hold Athena again. That would give me much more satisfaction.

The girl waited for me to speak, her eyes wide. “Hi…”

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. This didn’t feel right…I was off my game. I was too depressed to go through with it. “I was just leaving.” Her eyes drew up and she watched me go. I left the bar then walked back to my house, Athena’s face in my mind.