Anything But Love (19 page)

C
HAPTER
S
IXTEEN

I
t would be nice if you got a two-bedroom apartment,” his mother said. “For when you have guests.”

Ben spread cream cheese on his bagel. He was at his parents’ Upper East Side apartment for a goodbye-and-good-luck breakfast before heading to the airport.

“We’ll see what I can afford. How often are you planning to visit me?”

“Do I need to remind you that you’re our only child?”

“Uh-huh. So, a couple times a year?”

She glared at him and he held out his hands. “I’m teasing. You guys will be welcome whenever you come.”

The truth was, he was going to miss his parents a lot more than he’d ever let on.

“I still don’t understand why you’re going,” his mother said plaintively.

“Because I want to make a difference in people’s lives,” he explained patiently. “This program in Chicago will reach a lot of at-risk kids, and I’d like to be a part of it.”

They’d had this conversation on a regular basis ever since he’d told his parents about the new job. His mother was nothing if not persistent, and she didn’t respond well to the “asked and answered” objection to a line of questioning.

“But you’re already making a difference. You make a difference here. I thought you loved your job.”

“I do. That’s not the point.”

His mother glanced at his father, who was consuming lox and capers in a detached manner with his eyes on his
Wall Street Journal
. “Feel free to jump in anytime, Seth.”

“If Ben wants to go to Chicago, he can go to Chicago.” He turned a page. “Horrible winters, though.”

Abandoning her husband as an ally, his mother turned back to him with a sigh. “I thought Jessica might give you a reason to stay. After you went to Bermuda with her I was sure you’d come back a couple. I still can’t believe nothing happened between you.”

They’d had this conversation before, too, a week or so after he came back. But that time, he’d been ready for his mother’s questions and his guard had been up.

This time, he wasn’t ready.

He could feel his face flushing a deep red. His jaw tensed and he gripped the knife in his right hand with so much intensity that his knuckles turned white.

He couldn’t meet his mother’s eyes. Hoping that her eagle-eyed gaze had, for once, been looking elsewhere, he took a deep breath and forced himself to relax.

“Benjamin Taggart!”

So much for hoping.

“Look, Mom. Whatever you’re thinking, just—”

She rapped her knuckles sharply on the table in front of him. “Did something happen between you and Jessica? Yes or no.”

He opened his mouth to deny it. But then, unexpectedly, all the fight went out of him.

“Yeah,” he said, slumping back in his chair. “It did.”

Silence.

He waited for his mother to say something. To ask something. To demand further information.

But the first person who spoke was his father.

“Ben. Do you mean to say that you’re involved with Jessica Bullock?”

His mother, as surprised as he was, turned her head to stare at her husband. “Seth! You don’t have a problem with Jessica, do you? She’s a lovely girl.”

His father frowned. “I know she’s a lovely girl. That’s precisely my point. She’s been through enough without Ben hurting her, too.”

That stung. “I would never hurt Jessica. I—” He stopped.

Now his mother was staring at him. “Oh my goodness. I don’t believe it.”

He looked at her warily. “What?”

“You’re in love with her. You’re in love with Jessica Bullock.”

He started to deny it, but once again the denial stuck in his throat.

He threw up his hands in defeat.

“Okay, fine. You want to hear me say it? I’m in love with Jessica. Madly, passionately, head-over-heels in love with her. But her life is here and I’m moving to Chicago, so there’s no happily-ever-after to this story.”

He fully expected his mother to launch into a rebuttal of biblical proportions. But once again, it was his father who spoke.

“Listen to me, Son.” His father closed his paper and folded it, laying it down on the table and leaning toward him. “I stopped giving you advice a long time ago. You made it clear from the age of five that you don’t want or need it. All your life you’ve trusted your instincts and followed your heart, and it’s worked out okay.”

For his father that was high praise.

“You chose the career you wanted, and I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished. But the one thing you’ve never done is make your own happiness a priority. And you know what? That’s a mistake. You want to help kids, right? You want to make a difference. Well, if I’ve learned anything in life it’s this. The best way to help other people is to be happy yourself. And if you have a chance to do that here in New York, you’d be crazy to pass it up. Jessica’s a girl in a million, and you know what I think? I think you’ve been in love with her for years.” He paused for a moment. “You’ll always do the work you love, Ben. You’ll find a way to help kids whether you’re here or in Chicago. But if you think you’ll find another woman like Jessica someplace else, you’re sadly mistaken.”

His father hadn’t made a speech that long in years.

Ben scrubbed at his face with his hands. “You think I don’t know that? But Jessica’s the one I’m thinking about. She’s going through a lot right now. If I change my mind about the Chicago job and stay here because of her, she’ll feel responsible for that decision. That puts a hell of a lot of pressure on her.”

His father spoke again. “A woman who can show up at her wedding reception after her fiancé leaves her for another man has the balls—metaphorically speaking—to handle pressure. Don’t underestimate her, Ben. And don’t make this decision because of what you think she can or can’t deal with. That part’s up to her. Make this decision the way you’ve always made your decisions. With your heart.”

Ben dropped his hands to his sides. “But how do I know if I’m following my heart or just being selfish?”

“Now, that’s always been one of your problems,” his mother said.

He frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

“There’s a kind of humility in being selfish once in a while. A kind of humility you could use.” She folded her arms. “You’ve never wanted to admit you might need something you couldn’t provide for yourself. You’ve set out to save the whole darn world—the kids you teach, and now the whole city of Chicago. You’re the one who fixes other people—not the one who needs to be fixed. You help other people to be happy without thinking about yourself.” She shook her head. “It takes humility to recognize that you might need someone else. That you’re not the same person without them. And it takes courage to go after your own happiness.”

She pushed her chair back and got to her feet. “There’s something I need to get for you, Ben. No matter what you decide, it’s something I want you to have.”

He left soon afterward, noticing that time was running a little short. If he wanted to make his plane he needed to take a taxi back to his apartment, grab his bags, and get to the airport.

But instead of hailing a cab, he stood on the sidewalk in front of his parents’ building and thought.

He was only two blocks from Central Park. After a moment, he turned west and started to walk.

All the arrangements had been made. His apartment was sublet, his friend would be expecting him at the Chicago airport in a few hours, and his new job would begin in a few weeks. Was he really going to blow all that up to make a play for a woman who might not want him?

Of course, he’d never hesitated to blow things up in the past if he thought it was the right thing to do. So why was he hesitating now?

There was only one explanation. One reason he was tempted to play it safe for the first time in his life.

Because he was afraid.

He wasn’t sure what he was scared of. That Jessica would reject him, or that she wouldn’t? That things between them wouldn’t work out? That he couldn’t be what she needed? That he would let her down?

Probably all of it.

But when you’re faced with a fear, you have two choices: play it safe or jump off a cliff.

Ben stopped walking so abruptly that a man on a bicycle had to swerve to avoid him.

He loved Jessica. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

And if he had to jump off a cliff to make that happen, then that’s what he would do.

C
HAPTER
S
EVENTEEN

L
ooking around Tom and Everett’s reception hall, Jessica had a sudden moment of déjà vu.

Two months had gone by since the wedding day that wasn’t, arguably the lowest point in her life. There had been times that day she’d worried she’d never recover. When the idea of a hopeful future—even just facing her friends and family again—had seemed impossible. The wedding she’d planned had been a stage show gone horribly wrong, an illusion exposed. A beautiful exterior with nothing inside . . . just like her.

Now here she was at another event—one that couldn’t have been more different. This event meant something. And she was here, not as an empty image she was desperate to project, but as herself.

A lot of the same people were present: friends, family, acquaintances. But her relationships with those people were more honest now, even if they were more difficult.

When her parents had shown up today, the sight of them had brought tears to her eyes.

Two months ago she’d felt empty, weak, humiliated, shattered. Now she felt strong and purposeful. Hopeful. Alive.

Or at least, she did until Tom came over to the table she was sharing with Vicki and Kate. Jessica had hoped that Simone would be there, too, but she was in Ireland—having what sounded like an incredible adventure with a sexy British director.

Tom kissed her on the cheek. “I would’ve asked you to be my best man if we’d had a formal wedding. Instead, I hope you’ll give a toast later on. Will you?”

A twinge of anxiety tightened her belly. “I don’t know, Tom. You know I don’t like speaking in public. I’m afraid I’ll just embarrass you.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“What do you mean?”

“Unless you actually burn the place down, I can promise you won’t embarrass me as much as I embarrassed you at our wedding. You do remember that, don’t you?”

She found herself grinning. “I have a vague recollection.”

“Okay, then. What do you say? It would really mean a lot to Everett and me,” he added more seriously.

How could she say no?

“All right,” she said. “I’ll give a short toast.”

He kissed her on the cheek again. “Thanks, Jessica.”

Two months ago, it felt like her life had ended. Now here she was joking with Tom about that disastrous wedding day and celebrating the true love in his life.

Celebrating who he really was.

But though she was genuinely happy for Tom, there was an ache behind her breastbone that hadn’t gone away since Ben left last night. In spite of the joyful celebration all around her, the fact that she was surrounded by friends and family that she could, finally, meet on honest terms, there was something missing.

The man she loved.

But she had to let him go. Didn’t she? His future was in Chicago, and she wanted good things for him as fiercely as he wanted them for her.

She wouldn’t ask him to change who he was, or to abandon the life he’d chosen. Because he would never, ever ask that of her.

She was tempted to partake of liquid courage before the toasts began, but she found to her surprise that she didn’t really need it. When it was her turn to speak, she hadn’t yet touched her champagne.

“I’ve known Tom for half my life, and he’s one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I don’t know Everett nearly as well, but he gave me a job when I needed one, so I’m sort of obligated to say I like him, too.” A ripple of laughter from the audience. “Some of you were here the last time the three of us participated in a wedding. I’m here to tell you that after this one, your gifts won’t be returned.” Another laugh.

Okay, this wasn’t so bad. She was starting to feel almost confident.

She opened her mouth to continue, but there was an interruption. The door to the function room opened and Ben Taggart walked in.

For a moment she couldn’t believe her eyes. He was supposed to be on a plane to Chicago. Like, right now.

Goose bumps swept over her skin. They stared at each other across the room as though no one else were there, and in that moment Jessica had an epiphany.

She took a deep breath and let it out. Then she lifted her chin and went on with her toast.

“Tom and I have a lot in common—both good things and bad. We haven’t always been brave, and we haven’t always been honest. But both of us have been blessed with people in our lives who
are
brave and honest. People who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves.”

She looked down at Tom and Everett. “These two found each other in a world that hasn’t made it easy. I admire them both more than I can say.” She held up her champagne flute. “Please raise your glasses to the adorable couple.”

“To the adorable couple!” the crowd called out, and everybody drank.

Then Jessica cleared her throat. “That pretty much takes care of my toast. But with Tom and Everett’s permission, there’s something else I’d like to say.”

Not everyone had noticed Ben standing at the back of the room, but Tom had. He looked from her to Ben and back again, and a smile spread across his face.

“Go for it, Jess.”

Warmth flooded through her. Standing up in front of all these people—friends, family, acquaintances, strangers—she had another moment of déjà vu.

Two months ago she’d faced a crowd like this. But this time, she didn’t feel trapped and powerless and afraid of herself.

She felt strong and free and clear-sighted. And for the first time in her life, she knew exactly what she wanted to say.

“Maybe Tom and I would have figured things out on our own—eventually. But luckily for us, we didn’t have to. Tom had Everett, who loved him so much he crashed a wedding to stop him from making a terrible mistake. And I have someone, too. A man named Ben Taggart.”

At that point, the people in the room who hadn’t noticed the new arrival swiveled their heads to see who she was looking at.

Ben didn’t seem to be aware of them. He was staring at her like she was the only person in the room.

The only person in the world.

“I love you,” she said. “You might not have a savior complex, but you did save me. You helped me know myself and believe in myself. That’s always been your gift. It’s what makes you such an amazing teacher—and such an amazing man.” She took a breath. “I’ve never felt like I have much to give. My love, my courage, my strength . . . it all feels like a work in progress. But even though my heart seems small when I compare it to yours, it’s the only one I have. And it’s yours, Ben. It’s yours forever.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, as Ben crossed the space between them, everyone in the room began to clap and cheer.

The cheering grew louder when he took her in his arms and kissed her. Under the cover of the applause he murmured in her ear, “Do you think they’ll mind if I take you away for a little while? As long as I promise to bring you back?”

“Who cares what anyone else thinks?” she asked blithely. “Let’s go.” She smiled at Tom. “We’ll be back,” she said.

Tom waved his hand. “Take your time.”

She grabbed Ben by the hand and led him out of the room. There was a velvet-covered bench in the hallway and she pulled him down onto it.

He slid his hands into her hair, gazing into her eyes.

She basked in the joy of being with him. “I thought you were on your way to Chicago.”

“I changed my mind.” He took a deep breath. “You’re my soul mate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jess—right here in New York City.” He grinned at her. “And after your speech, I know you feel the same way. You said you love me in front of a roomful of people. You made a spectacle of yourself.”

“I know. But it’s just one of the many things I’ve done lately that I never thought I’d do.”

Ben started to say something, and then he blinked. “Damn! I almost forgot.”

“Forgot what?”

He reached into his pocket. “I never thought I’d do anything both of my parents wanted me to do. But it turns out I was wrong, because they think I should do this. And they gave me something to help the cause. It belonged to my great-grandmother on my mother’s side.”

He pulled a ring box from his pocket and opened it. A vintage Edwardian-cut diamond winked at her, brilliant against a black velvet background.

Jessica stared at it for a long moment.

“If you’re going all traditional on me, you should get down on one knee,” she said, trying to sound sassy and failing miserably.

“I’m only doing this because I worship you,” he said, sliding off the bench and kneeling at her feet. “Not because I’m traditional.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “You can’t worship me.
I
worship
you
.”

He took her hands in his and kissed them. “Say yes, Jessica. Say yes and let me put this ring on your finger. Then we can plan a wedding . . . and a honeymoon.”

She pulled her hands from his, but only so she could wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Another one, huh?”

He smiled up at her, his face so dear and so beloved that she never wanted to look at anything else. “Is that a yes?” he asked.

She started to answer and hiccupped.

“I didn’t quite catch that,” Ben said gravely.

Now she was laughing and crying at the same time. “Yes, darn you. Yes, yes, yes!”

“ ‘Yes, darn you.’ Is that really what you want to go with? The story we tell our grandkids?”

“They’ll think it’s adorable. Are you going to put that on me, or what?”

He slid the ring onto her finger. “So about that honeymoon. Do you have any ideas?”

Her tears were still falling, and she couldn’t stop smiling. “Yes, actually. What about you?”

“I think anyplace we go together will be paradise. But I do have one particular spot in mind.”

“Bermuda?”

“Bermuda.”

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you, too.”