Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1) (21 page)

“I think you can, and I think maybe you should.”
 

I set my coffee cup down and stand up and start to pace around the room. Admitting to myself that I may not be dominant is one thing, but admitting to two girls, two women that I have the upmost respect for, hardly seems like the appropriate way of dealing with my submission. “I don’t want to seem weak.”
 

“Stop right there.” His voice is stern, his dominance evident, and I stop pacing and turn to look at him. His eyes are hard, his features tight. “Submission is not weakness, Aryn. In fact, it is the opposite of that. Weak and submissive are two words that do not and should never go together. What makes you think that they would receive you as weak?”
 

His words, his tone, have made me feel very small, scolded almost, and I don’t answer him right away. “Because I’m a man.”
 

Derek snorts. “And that has what to do with the price of tea in China?” He shakes his head in exasperation. “There are plenty of male submissives. In fact, there are almost as many, if not more men who submit than there are women. Submission isn’t about your gender, it isn’t about what you have between your legs. Submission is about who you are as a person, about the need to willingly surrender yourself to someone, to let them take control and give you the power to let it all go. Submission is about an unwavering desire to please and to be pleased. It is so much more than who you are physically, it’s what you are mentally.”
 

His words sink in, sliding through me like the blood pumping in my veins.

“It takes a very strong person to submit to someone else. Whether it is for sexual pleasure or lifestyle gratification. Regardless, willingly surrendering yourself to someone takes more balls than being the one to cradle and cherish the gift being offered.” He stands up, placing his hands in his pockets as he too starts to pace. “I don’t get very personal with people about my relationships, but one of the reasons that Cotah and I are a Master/slave couple is because I am unwilling and incapable of handing my submission to someone. Incapable of letting someone else hold the reins of my life. There are many submissive men. You met Mistress Milena last night. Did you meet Avalon?”
 

I shake my head. “She was working him over.”
 

He nods goes back to pacing. “Avalon is a perfect example of men, like me, giving up their power. Avalon, when not in the club, is one of the richest men I know.” He gives me a very pointed look. “And believe me, I rival his income, but he’s a lot like me. He owns multiple companies across different continents and he is constantly on the move, working his ass off for his companies and his release-”
 

“Is his submission,” I finish.
 

He looks at me with a smile on his face. “He has the ability to let it all go, to hand it all over to his Mistress when he walks in the door of The Box. Not many people are capable of doing that and I’m one of them. I am incapable of doing it which is why I made the worst possible submissive ever.”
 

“You were a submissive?”
 

He smiles at me. “I was. You don’t get a publicly respected Master title without first completing the training. Well,” he snorts, “It’s not like karate or anything, but most Masters have earned their titles, have trained, have properly stepped through the stages of a BDSM lifestyle. Now that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t walk into a different club as Master, but most veterans will call your bluff pretty quickly. Also, clubs vet their clientele. Often times that vetting includes discussing you with other clubs before admission.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, we got off track, but you get the idea. Willing to submit does not make you weak. It does not make you any less of a man, in fact, in my eyes, it would make you more of a man.”
 

“How do I change that perception?”
 

He looks at me, expectant. “What perception?”

“Um, mine. It’s been put out there that I was a Top.”
 

 
Derek stops his pacing and levels me with a stare. “You just change, you find someone willing to take you under their wing, and train you, teach you. You find other subs to befriend and talk to. No one at the club, especially at the club, is going to judge you for switching. In fact, you’d be surprised how many people do. When Dex first talked to you about coming out here, he didn’t really know how else to explain things to you, so all he had to give you was from a Dominant’s perspective. What you saw last night, what we’ve talked about, that has given you the chance to see it from the other side. There is nothing wrong with switching sides.”
 

“Is that what Caden sees in me?”
 

He snorts. “Caden is,” he takes a deep breath, “Caden is someone who sees a challenge, and when he sees it, he wants it, and when he wants it he will stop at nothing to have it.”
 

“So he has his sights on me?”
 

He rocks on his feet from heel to toe and back again. “You could say that.”
 

“But I’m not gay,” I say sternly.
 

Derek snorts again. “Neither is he.”
 

“So then why…” I don’t bother to finish the question. Derek already answered it. Caden sees me as a challenge, something to conquer, something to have bowed down before him and I’m definitely not that kind of guy. “What about Mistress Milena?”
 

Derek smiles at me. “She is a handful, but she’s good at what she does.”
 

“She was eyeballing me pretty good last night. I guess that also plays into your theory too, doesn’t it?” It all makes perfect sense now. If Derek can see it, Mistress Milena can too.
 

Derek just nods.

THIRTY

AFTER MY TALK with Derek, I spend a good portion of the day arguing with him in my head. Despite all the obvious signs that I appear to be a submissive, something about the idea just doesn’t sit right with me. Sure, it turns me on, but I cannot imagine myself kneeling before a woman. I’ve never been one to take much from them, except for the things that I want, but to ‘bow’ to one is just something I can’t seem to wrap my head around.
 

A little later in the day, the girls wanted to go shopping and Derek insisted that I be the one to take them. I argued with him about it because he seemed to think spending time with the two of them would give me a chance to discuss the newly discovered information, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. It’s one thing to admit it to myself, but to two women whom I respect immensely and who I fear will see me as weak is a huge, impossible, pill to swallow.
 

So I did my duty, watched them, watched out for them and let them have their fun while I hung back in the background and they did their thing.
 

The next day was worse. I was so exhausted from my lack of sleep the night before that all I managed to do was plop down in bed and pass out. At least that gave me some peace from the turmoil roaming around inside of me. But it was short-lived when I started to once again dream about Caden topping me and it shot me awake.
 

Luckily though, it was later in the morning and I’d managed to get a decent night’s sleep anyway.
 

My peace was short-lived when I found out from Dex that they would be returning to the club tonight and he thought I should come along.
 

I don’t want to put myself back in that vulnerable position of being there, but then again I want to be there to disprove Derek’s theory that I am a submissive and more importantly, that Caden is interested in me.
 

After a long back and forth battle with myself, I get dressed and go with them.
 

We enter the club in the same manner as before, but tonight Ash isn’t manning the check-in podium and I’m disappointed.

We haven’t talked much since the last time I was here. Not without effort, though. Either she was working or I was working and we just didn’t connect. I’ll admit that I wondered a couple times if my lack of interest has anything to do with what Derek said about me.
 

Tonight I am determined not to let it get to me. I am determined more than anything to just simply pay attention to Derek and Dex while they work Cotah and Raine.
 

My determination is blown to bits when Caden escorts Ashley over to one of the crosses. I don’t know that I would have paid much attention to it except for the fact that Ash has her hands bound in front over her. She is topless and gorgeous as sin in her black boy shorts.
 

Caden is shirtless, wearing only a pair of leather pants and black boots, much like my own.
 

Seeing him topless is something to behold. His chest is chiseled, defined and he puts me to shame in the working out department. Shirtless he looks like a menace not to be messed with. He’s tall and appears totally in control.

He secures Ashley’s hands to the cuffs on the cross. Caden is gentle with her. His fingers trace down each arm in a gentle, comforting caress and Ashley’s cheeks turn a soft pink.
 

Caden repeats the process with the other arm and when he reaches her side, the other hand joins him as he slides them down over her hips, down her thighs and then he coaxes her to open her legs for him and she does. His gentle touch continues as he secures her ankles to the cross with the same softness.
 

Once she is secure, he glides his hands back up her body and she shivers. Caden presses his back against hers, giving her the comfort of knowing he’s there and she melts into him. He is whispering in her ear and while I can’t hear what he is saying, it has a very visible calming effect on her.
 

Jealousy slices through me like razorblades in my blood. Cutting me open, exposing me.
 

Sensing this, in some uncanny way, Caden turns toward me, pinning me with a glare that has my knees shaking and weak, ready to buckle under my weight. I take a step back in an attempt to balance myself and a wicked little smirk spreads over Caden’s lips and I shiver.
 

He whispers something to Ashley and she nods.
 

Caden raises his hand and gestures for me to approach. I close my eyes, attempting to dispel the compulsion to do as he has asked. Realizing that I can’t stop myself, I take a step forward, a step toward them, and I open my eyes. Caden’s smile has returned, but the look in his eyes is commanding me forward, making me move in a way I hadn’t expected. Solidifying everything that Derek has been saying.
 

I. Am. A. Submissive.
 

What would happen next would alter me forever. Alter me in a way that I could have never imagined possible.
 

I approach him, but I cannot find it in myself to acknowledge him. Despite the fact that I know I could royally piss him off, I simply cannot give him that satisfaction. Not today.
 

“Would you like to help Ash?” Caden’s voice has a soft, seductive tone to it that sends my blood racing through my veins.
 

I nod.

Caden’s smile grows impossibly larger as he steps back from Ashley’s body and she shivers at the loss of contact. “Go around to the other side of the cross, facing her. Comfort her.”
 

I nod my understanding and I sidestep Caden and walk around the cross. Ash’s eyes are on me and she smiles. Her smile is so sweet and welcoming that I can’t help but smile back at her.
 

“Kiss him.” Caden’s voice is dripping with pure command and she raises her chin toward me and I smile because the restraints have her in a position that even though she’s been ordered to do it, she can’t obey, not without my help. My eyes dart to Caden who chuckles silently but nods.
 

I lean down and kiss Ash hard. Her breathing hitches and she moans as my tongue slides in along hers. Her eyes close and my eyes go to Caden who is standing there watching us. For the briefest of moments, his dominance falls as he enjoys the sight before him. I close my eyes and deepen the kiss with Ash and she moans again.
 

Then her breathing turns from steady to short bursts and the sound of leather on skin fills my ears. I pull back.
 

“I didn’t tell you to stop,” Caden admonishes with his eyes pinned on me and I shiver as I catch sight of the flogger he is wielding along her backside. She groans with each hit. I lick my lips and take her mouth with mine once again but I can’t help watching Caden. I am doing my best attempt to make him jealous and failing miserably.
 

My cock grows hard with each flick of her tongue, each lick of the flogger, and groan that escapes Ashley’s mouth.
 

The flogger cracks hard against her backside and she pulls back, screaming and breathing through the pain Caden has inflicted on her.
 

Caden’s eyes grow angry because she’s stopped kissing me and in an attempt to help calm her, I slide my fingers into her hair. Reminding her that I too am here to help hold her and she settles into my touch. Caden resumes his flogging of her backside and every fifth or sixth strike, Ashley rattles her bindings and I hold her tighter to my lips. If she really wanted to pull away, she could. Her cries of pain are swallowed by my kisses and quickly turn to moans.
 

The smell of polish on the cross quickly fades and the sweet scent of her arousal begins to assault my nose. I inhale deeply and I open my eyes to find Caden’s eyes are on me. Realizing what I’m smelling, he stops his flogging and steps forward, pressing his backside to Ash and grabbing a hold of her hair. He pulls her head back and away from my lips.
 

“You sweet little slut,” he growls as he takes over her lips with his and my cock jumps as he possesses her in a way that drives the jealousy right back through my veins. “What would you rather have? My whip or his cock?” Caden asks Ash and she shivers violently.