As I Am (19 page)

“Yeah. It’s cool, isn’t it?”

“There’s a word for that. Would you like to know it?” she asks with a big smile.

“I would
love
to know the word for that,” I answer with an equally huge smile.

“Psithurism
: the sound of the wind through the trees. Doesn’t it
sound
like that’s what it means?” Margaret clasps her hands to hear chest and bounces once on her toes.

“It does. It’s a beautiful sounding word.”

“Margaret! C’mon! We’re going to address envelopes with our information and divide them up. That way we’re all set to write each other when we get home!” Shockingly enough, it’s Paisley who has come to beg Margaret to go inside. My heart swells a little as I remember that first day. Paisley was so unkind, but to see her with Margaret now is to watch her with a sister.

Margaret looks at me apologetically, not wanting to rush off from our conversation. “Go!” I tell her. “Go have fun! I’ll see you later. And be sure to save one of those envelopes for me, ok
ay!” I love that the Fellows make them do a snail-mail project like this. It happens few and far between, but when it does, it’s one of my favorite things to get an actual letter in the mail from my mom.

Margaret
hugs me again and is dragged inside by Paisley, both laughing with every step.

“
Looks like someone is still living up to being the middle-schooler whisperer.” Miller saunters up to me, kissing me sweetly on the cheek. I feel the blood rush to my face and turn my face a little to hide it. I know the newness is going to wear off, but I hope it doesn’t happen too fast. I really like the nervous butterflies he gives me.

“Well, this is the extent of my skills, and after Sunday I won’t be using them on anyone,” I tell him with
fake laugh. It’s hard to believe the summer is almost over. The kids leave on Sunday and then the rest of us are gone by Wednesday. In many ways, the summer went by in a blur. Time also seemed to stand still during some of the most awful moments of my life. At the end, though, I know I’m coming out ahead.

Still, it’
s hard to hide my sadness of what awaits me over the next few days. Saying goodbye to the kids is always hard, and of course, my friends. But this summer, I have to say goodbye to Miller, too. We live so far away from each other. I can’t expect him to pick up and move, and even though I would love to move to Georgia and go to SCAD, there’s no way Dad would let me do that. Also, it seems pretty presumptuous of me to even be thinking about that. My chest begins to ache and I look at the ground, unable to bring myself to look at Miller.

“Hey,” he says, lifting my chin. “Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad,” I lie.

“I don’t want you to worry about us.” Miller runs his thumb across my chin gently, soothingly. “We’ll figure it out.”
Is he assuming that’s what I, the girl, would be concerned about, or has he actually thought about this, too? The latter leaves a warm feeling in my chest.

“You’re always so sure of things. I don’t have a clue what that’s like,” I admit.

“You’ll get there. I promise.” Miller’s smile has a way of piercing into me, filling what feels like a hopeless situation with infinite amounts of promise.

“Well, if Miller Conrad says I’ll get there, then I guess I’ll get there,” I say, mirroring his smile.
Being with Miller is like a breath of fresh air.

“
That’s my girl.” Miller takes me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “So, I finished that poem. It took me a little longer than I had planned, but it’s done and I want to share it with you.”

“That’d be so great! I would love to read it!” I tell him with excitement.

“Oh, you’re not going to read it.
I’m
going to read it to
you
,” he says, raising his eyebrows.

“Oooh! My very own, private poetry reading. I’m honored.”
I teasingly poke Miller’s side, invoking a knee-jerk, ticklish reaction. “Looks like I found your Achilles heel!” I laugh.

“Keep it up if you want me to find yours, too!” I pull away from him before he can find out just how ticklish I am, but he grabs my arm and yanks me back to him, my body slamming into his. I’m suddenly overcome with nervousness about how hard I may have pounded into him.

“I have to go, Miller,” I say quietly as I step away.

“Don’t do that, Kinley.”

“Do what? I’m not doing anything.”

“We were just messing around.” He reaches for me but I’ve stepped more than an arm’s length away.

“I’m not … I know that … It’s cool,” I stammer.

Miller won’t let it go and he closes the gap between us. “Then why are you pulling away from me?”

I don’t know how to say the words I want to say to him. I’ve never been so honest with anyone about my fears or the chatter that rings in my head. He’s not going to give up, so I guess I better figure out how to say … something.

I keep my head down, watching my feet as I shuffle them. “I’m working on the chatter, but
, I’m still aware of … my size.” Oh my God. I can’t believe I just said those words … out loud … to Miller. I must
really
be changing.

“What are you talking about?” Miller’s face scrunches together in confusion.

“Miller. C’mon. I know I’m not … I mean, I don’t want to be Addison, but I’m fully aware that I don’t look like her,” I say, waving my hand from my shoulder down my body.

“What does that mean?” he asks, still looking confused by my statement.
“You’re pointing to your body, so I’m assuming this has something to do with that.”

“Are you really that clueless? You can’t tell me that you haven’t assessed my body
in some way,” I say with a disbelieving tone.

“I have
definitely
assessed your body, Kinley,” he says with a sexy smirk.

“You
are
clueless.”

“What do you want me to say? Are you trying to get me to say something
that makes me an ass like Cal? You want me to compare you to your sister?” Miller takes both of my hands in his and tugs me a step closer to him. “I think you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I could compare you to any other girl here, but it wouldn’t be fair to any of them because none of them have your heart. None of them have your soul. When I look at you, touch you, kiss you … it’s your heart and soul that I’m seeing, touching, kissing. You could be a nine-foot-tall hunchback for all I care. Lucky for me your outsides are as gorgeous as your insides.”

“You have this way with words, you know that, right?” I say, stepping into his embrace.

“Yeah.”

“Thanks,” I sigh.

“I could stand here like this all day, but I’ve gotta get back. I was just running up here to grab a few bottles of water. I’ll see you at dinner and then let’s go over to the embankment for your
private poetry reading
,” Miller says with a posh tone.

I snap my fingers in applause. “I can’t wait!”

Miller kisses my cheek again and darts into the dining hall. I follow him in, deciding that I should really catch Margaret and her roomies making such amazing memories. What started out as a reluctant summer camp adventure, turned into a life-changing experience … for both of us. The expressions that alternate between elation and sadness are priceless. I want these girls to look back and see what an amazing experience this summer was. And even if they never see these girls again, they’ll know that their lives were forever changed by them.

I hope that isn’t the case for me and Miller. The idea of never seeing him again is heartbreaking. But, if that’s how our story goes, I can say with the utmost confidence that my life was forever changed by him.

Dear God, please don’t let that be how our story goes.

The alarm clock bell rings through the camp and the kids in the dining hall working on crafts scurry outside to meet up with friends who have been rock climbing, swimming, hiking, and involved in all the various and sundry activities around the camp. The volume outside the dining hall increases like thundering hooves of horses nearing the yard.

There’s about an hour and a half before dinner, so I help Amy and Tiffany clear the area of the paper and stamping paraphernalia. I don’t look at Tiffany directly, or speak even a syllable to her, although I see her watching me from the corner of her eye, and she addresses me a few times in a small and quiet voice. I have no idea what I could possibly say to her, and I’m having a hard time even connecting with her on this work-related task. It’s been days and she still hasn’t approached me with an apology for how she allowed Cal to participate in Addy’s plan. She knew about it and just went along and that makes her just as guilty as the other two.

I’ve been operating in a kind of stealth mode every time I go back to The Lodge.
I’m avoiding Addison. After what she did to me she’s the one who should be avoiding me, but she’s not. After her last half-ass apology I determined that it was going to take some drastic behavior on my part to get the point across to Addy that I’m not the same girl I was before. Or, at least, I’m trying not to be that girl. In the meantime, I’m sorting through how to deal with Addy. It might seem mean or cruel or an overreaction on my part, but until I figure that out, I don’t think I can be around her. I’m afraid I’ll fall back under her spell and be right back where I was before: unsure of myself and making decisions based on what Addy thinks is best for me.

My stealthy moves have been thwarted when I open the door to my room and find Addy sitting on my bed. She’s ambushed me and I have nowhere to turn. I pretend she’s not there and move int
o the room to put my camera away.

“Please talk to me, Kinley,” she says as I turn back toward the door. He voice is weak and sad. I’ve never heard this voice come out of Addison’s mouth before. I turn back to her and see that her face is pale and her eyes are a little dark. She hasn’t been sleeping well, and she’s definitely been crying.

“I don’t know what to say to you, Addy,” I say to her, intentionally making my voice sound strong so she knows how resilient I am now.

“I’m so, so sorry
. I really thought that if you had the kind of boost in your confidence that being with Cal would give you tha
t
‒
‒
”

I cut her off before she rambles into her pathetic excuse for reasoning.

“Just stop. Every time you open mouth your delusions of reality become clearer. You have yet to fully understand what you did to me. Not just with this whole thing with Cal, but everything. You, and Christine, have been telling me my whole life that I’m not good enough because I don’t look like you. And even when Christine took me to the doctor over and over again about my weight, the doctor repeatedly told her that my weight was fine for me. But that never mattered to either of you because all you cared about was how I made you look.”

“That’s not true, Kinley! I just wanted you to be happy.” Addy begins to tear up and I’m taken back for a second. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry.

“If you really wanted that, you should have asked me what would make me happy instead of deciding for me.” I watch Addison’s expression turn from desperation to defeat. I can only hope that she’s somehow beginning to understand. “You would have found out that all it would take for me to be truly happy, is your unconditional love. But you couldn’t get past your own selfishness to see that. Now the damage is done, and I’m not sure if it can be repaired.”

Addison moves toward the door
, rubbing her left arm. Her head is down but I can see that her eyes are wet. Normally I would feel badly about Addy being upset, but not this time. If anything, I’m glad she’s upset, distraught even. It’s the only sign I have that Addy might actually be letting the words I’m saying sink in. Hope sparks inside me as a tear rolls down her face, and what once seemed like an impossibility might actually come within reach. There may actually come a day when Addison looks at me and doesn’t worry about how she’s going to explain our differences. One day she might look at me and actually see me.

Butterflies swarm my stomach so much that I can hardly eat dinner. That’s saying a lot because it’s lasagna night and Tammy in the kitchen has the most amazing recipe. She makes it once a week and tonight will be the last night. I should check with her before I leave to see if there
are any leftovers that she can freeze for me.

If Miller would stop looking at me with that crooked, mischievous smile I might be able to actually eat. He’s got this look in his eye and I know it’s about the poem he’s going to share with me tonight. I have one of those girly, gut
-instinct feelings that the poem is about me, or at least about us. I’m elated and freaked out at the same time. It seems like, overnight, everything I ever wanted is beginning to happen. I just want to make sure my response to him is perfect.

“You okay?” Miller asks. He gives my knee a little squeeze and I think I might faint. Any other moment would be fine, but not while I’m trying to catch the butterflies. His touch distracted me and all the fluttering bugs just escaped the net I was neatly collecting them in.

“I’m great!” I tell him with a smile. It’s not a lie. I really am great … a great big ball of excited nerves.

“Cool. I’ve got to run back to The Lodge and get a couple of things. I’
ll meet you at the embankment in about thirty?”

“That’s perfect,” I tell him as he stands.

“Okay. Don’t be late!” he says in feigned chastisement. I shrug and give him a coy look. Shaking his head with a smirk, he clears his dishes and heads for the door.

“Better late than never,” Amy says.

“I believe you were told that Cal was totally wrong for you. Now, who could have told you that?” Matthew rests his chin on his fist and searches the air with rolled eyes.

“I think I may have said that,” Carrie says.

“Oh! Me too!” Bridget adds.

“Yes, yes, yes. I get it! I got it!”
I laugh, but the smile fades as I remember that there are only a few days left at Lake Hollis. “But I won’t have it in a few days. We’ll all be gone before you know it, and what happens then?”

“Have you talked about it?” Matthew asks.

“No, and I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to say anything to scare him off. I mean, what if this is a summer thing for him and that’s it?” I contemplate this and dread begins to rise in me. I swallow hard as I rub the back of my neck.

“This is
not
a summer thing for him, Kinley,” Bridget says as she reaches across the table and clutches my hand in hers. “A guy doesn’t do the things Miller has done for a fling.”

I take a deep breath, working to let Bridget’s words break through the voices in my head telling me different.
She’s right. What guy wakes a girl up to watch the sunrise with him? Who in their right mind would get involved with a girl with as much drama going on in her life as me? He told me he wanted me to choose him. If he was looking for a fling, Addy was right there, ready and willing.

“You’re right. You’re right. I have to take what I know about Miller and respond accordingly. He’s been nothing but amazing and it wouldn’t be in his nature for us to mean nothing to him. Thank you. I’m working on being able to talk myself off the ledge, but in the meantime, I’m glad you guys are here.
I better get going if I’m going to meet him in time,” I say. I stand and Pete stands with me.

“Let me help you with that,” he offers.

“Thanks, Pete!” I pat him on the shoulder as he moves past me and I follow him toward the trash and bussing bins.

“Hey, Kinley
, before you leave,” Pete says, catching me by the elbow. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

He hesitates for a moment. “I’ve always known you were awesome. Everyone at that table knows you’re awesome. Miller knows you’re awesome. But … none of it matters if you don’t know how awesome you are.” I smile sweetly at Pete. It’s so nice to hear someone tell me that they think I’m great without there being a caveat of what I could do to be better. “I guess it’s okay for me to tell you this now, and I only tell you because I want you to know that the understanding of how remarkable you are didn’t start this summer … but … I kind of had a thing for you last summer.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” I’m shocked. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Pete was into me last summer, or ever for that matter.

“I tried to tell you, but you were pretty clueless. And, it was clear you were preoccupied with being your sister’s lackie. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“So, like I said, I’m not trying to make this weird or anything. We’re great friends now and I hope that never changes. I just wanted you to know that long before your epiphany and subsequent escape from the clutches of your sister, your awesomeness was evident. I’m really happy to see you embracing it, because I know if you do, Miller’s not going anywhere. But, if for some bizarro reason he does, I won’t be far behind … That is, after I kick his ass.” Pete wraps his arms around me and all the butterflies I had been trying desperately to capture earlier have fled. His words have infiltrated my heart and mind and something in me is eager to embrace them.

“Thank you for that. It means a lot to me.” I push myself to my toes and kiss Pete on the cheek. “And
… if you ever have to kick Miller’s ass, I’ll be waiting for you.”

“It’s important that you know the truth about who you are, Kinley. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” A tight-lipped smile appears on Pete’s face.

“I probably wouldn’t have listened to you last summer. I’m beginning to believe that even the crappiest moments in our lives lead us to something better.” I hug Pete again and leave him in the dining hall as I step out and make my way toward the embankment. A stupid grin is plastered on my face as Pete’s words sing in my head and I chant “I’m awesome” to myself over and over. I try to think of all those positive affirmations that float across social media that I always dismissed as trendy or trite. Now it seems that some of them may actually have some life application benefits to them.

Rounding the corner to the back side of the dining hall
, I find those three wretched boys who messed with Margaret. They’re huddled together again and I actually feel a twinge of joy at what I’m hoping I’m about to do.

“Hello again, boys,” I say to them in a sing-song voice.

“Oh crap!” one of them says. I still only know Chad’s name because he’s Brandon’s little brother, but I haven’t bothered to remember the other boys’ names.

“Hand it over.” They know exactly what I’m talking about
, as my statement is a reminder that I said if I found them out with that book again, it would become mine.

“You can’t take the book,” Chad says. Fear coats his tone and my intrigue about the book resurfaces. I had forgotten all about it amidst everything that went on with Addy
, but now that it’s about to be in my hot little hands, I’m as curious as I had been before.

“You can have it back in a few days when you leave. Or maybe I should just tell Brandon you got caught with it?” I threaten.

“NO!” they all say at once.

“Fine. But you can’t look in it. You’re not part of the, uh, club, so you can’t look in it.” Chad chokes out his directive.

“Go. All of you. Go spend your free time this evening doing something productive.” I wave my hand and shoo them away. They scurry around the corner and I continue making my way to the embankment.

I’m
more than moderately interested in this secret book that these boys have been so enthralled with. What did Cal call their little club again? The … The … The League. That’s right. The League. It sounds so much more distinguished than Cal’s “boys learning how to get some and become men” explanation. I continue walking in the direction of the embankment while I mindlessly flip through the book, curious as to what nuggets of wisdom fill its pages.

Journal of The League, Vol. VI.
It’s a journal? And this is the sixth volume? Oh, wait. That’s right. I heard Brandon say that Cal’s entry was the hottest one in here. If fourteen-year-old boys have been keeping this journal, how hot could any of these entries be? I laugh to myself at the anticipation of the epic awkwardness I’m about to read.

I stop flipping on a random page and read.

Seth P.

Sarah’s boobs were small, but that’s ok because at least she let me touch them, not like that other girl. Her boobs were really big. I wish I could have touched
hers.

Oh my gosh! Is that was this is about? Boob touching?

Knowing how confident Cal is now, I flip through the journal trying to find his entry. I can only imagine how awkward he was at fourteen. There can’t be that many Cals, although it might be a popular name at a place like Westchester Academy. It takes me a minute to find it, but only because the book is pretty thick. I stop walking when I find his name so I can read his entry.

Cal H.

It was a really hot day so Kara was wearing a thin, cotton shirt with buttons, and short shorts that showed off her legs. She has nice legs. Her boobs aren’t too big, but they still felt good. At first she didn’t want to let me touch her, but after I unbuttoned her top she seemed ok. I kissed her and she fought back a little. I had her up against the tree and she couldn’t move. When I put my hand down her pants she told me to stop, but I know she really wanted it. Her body shook after I rubbed her so I know she liked it. She cried a little bit after, but sometimes girls do that because they get all emotional about stuff.

I scan the rest of the entry and see words like “moist” and “slick.” I can’t even bring myself to read the context they’re in. What kind of perverted kid was he? I feel so bad for that girl.

I suddenly feel the blood drain from my face. I do the calculation of how long ago Cal was here as a camper, and reality hits me like a Mac truck. Miller and Cal are the same age. Cal was only here one summer. Miller’s sister Kara was a year younger than him so … But Kara’s a popular name, right? I mean, it could be a different Kara. Oh my God! Please don’t let this be Miller’s sister, Kara. Please be a different Kara.

I close the book and white-knuckle it in my hands. My heart races as the words that I read roll around in my head like one of those
impossible labyrinth mazes looking for a way out. My eyes dart from tree to tree looking for some kind of rationale. How could he do that to her? And all in the name of building his ego?

“Kinley.” I turn around when I hear Cal say my name. He’s standing there, his fists in balls at his side. He steps closer and I can see the vein on his neck pulsating
quickly as he eyes the book clutched in my hands. The boys must have gone back and told Cal that I took the book from them. He was pretty adamant about no one seeing it when I overheard him with Brandon. “I need you to give me to journal.”

He
doesn’t even look like the same person to me anymore. His face is hard and pained, and desperation fills his eyes. I was slowly getting over my disgust with him, but now I’m completely repulsed by his presence. “You can have your book back, but I already know what you did. I read every gross word of it.”

“Leave it alone, Kinley,” he warns.

“I will not leave it alone. You raped that girl.” Disdain drips from my lips as visions of Kara’s fearful face permeate my mind.

“I did
not
rape her,” he says defensively.

“Technically, maybe not.
But you violated her in ways that are just as damaging. It appears this is another decision you made without any regard for how it would affect the other person. Did you get off, too? Was there no room left on the page for you to detail your own selfis
h
‒
‒
”

“It’s not true!” he shouts, cutting me off.

“I read the whole things, Cal. Every creepy word you wrote!”

“I
t’s a lie,” he says, his voice quieter now.

“So it didn’t happen?”
I question him suspiciously.

“No, it did. It just wasn’t me.”

“You’re not making sense. Did it happen or not?” I think he’s just trying to confuse me so I’ll give up, but that’s not going to happen. “If it wasn’t you, why would you write this?”

“
Kinley, please. I’m not proud of what happened that night and I really just want you to let it go.” Cal’s shoulders are slumped now, and his face is growing pale.

“Do you have any idea who that girl was?”

“Her name was Kara,” he answers softly.

“
Her name was Kara Conrad. She was Miller’s sister,” I say, certain that the more I examine the scenario the more it will become clear that she was, in fact, Miller’s sister. The coincidence is too great. Cal looks at me, shocked by my statement. “And when she got home from camp, she killed herself. I can only assume it was her last attempt at numbing the pain of what you did to her.”

Cal drops to his knees and shoves his face in his hands.
“It’s my fault. I should have stopped him,” I hear Cal say through the muffling of his hands.

“You should have stopped who?” I ask.